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That’s what I’m hearing about all the time now(MC sessions) is how could I have a RA. To have a RA you have to have had an original A. Now we are to the point where the RA was the big deal, not the original A. This is coupled w/ jealousy by FWW and the like. I would have thought dismissing the RA would be the most sensible approach for a FWW to take, rather than acting like it trumps the original A. ie Two wrongs don’t make a right, but in this case it helps because now both parties SHOULD want to forget the whole thing. I think waywards don’t like RAs because it PROVES that they(secondary betrayed) have no direct responsibility for the RA and hence the original BS had no responsibility for the original A. This crushes their BLAME GAME they espouse.
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**EDIT**
Last edited by Revera; 09/02/08 04:17 PM.
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A RA does not trump the first. The WS brought infidelity into the marriage and even though a RA is ALWAYS wrong...it is certainly understandable given the tremendous harm caused to the BS.
I would say that your MC is most likely useless. Most are.
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Well, I think that RAs are childish little hissy fits that immature people have. Or...maybe its jealousy that their WS got some strange and they want their piece too.  I cannot fathom why someone jumps in the pig sty with the rutting pigs (as Mel so lovingly puts it) and start getting all stinky and smelly and muddy themselves. I mean really...who is going to jump in a stinkin pig sty...and shout out to their WS..."I'll show you...take that...and this...guess this shows you what for...huh?" Comical....but childish and immature. Makes me think they BOTH have no business being married. But hey...that's just me. :crosseyedcrazy: committed
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Well, I think that RAs are childish little hissy fits that immature people have. Or...maybe its jealousy that their WS got some strange and they want their piece too. I cannot fathom why someone jumps in the pig sty with the rutting pigs (as Mel so lovingly puts it) and start getting all stinky and smelly and muddy themselves. I mean really...who is going to jump in a stinkin pig sty...and shout out to their WS..."I'll show you...take that...and this...guess this shows you what for...huh?" Comical....but childish and immature. Makes me think they BOTH have no business being married. But hey...that's just me. :crosseyedcrazy: committed Very well put!
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I mean really...who is going to jump in a stinkin pig sty...and shout out to their WS..."I'll show you...take that...and this...guess this shows you what for...huh?" Perhaps someone that is so wounded by their spouses betrayal that they act out in a fashion that would have been foreign to them prior to the affair. If the act of betrayal truly hurts anywhere near being raped, it certainly is understandable. People that have been sexually assaulted or those that have dealt with affairs could be dealing with PTSD which easily could result in acting our sexually. It has NOTHING to do with maturity in most cases and everything to do with the injury they are dealing with.
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**EDIT**
Last edited by Revera; 09/02/08 04:17 PM.
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Do intentions matter when it comes to affairs? Say for example the original WS somewhat feel into the affair, fought it off for a while, didn't want to hurt the BS, and all that jazz. The RA takes place purey because the secondary WS wants to hurt orignal WS to let he/she know how it feels. Perhaps sees the orignal affiar as an oppurtunity for a free pass.
I wouldn't agree that one trumps the other in this case, but that's an arguement I could somewhat understand.
Me 38
Divorced 8/09
DS 10,6
DD 4
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When I've considered a RA, it was never to "get back at my spouse". My intent would've been to keep it a secret forever.
My motivation would've been to have fun of my own, and to do a little first-hand research into what makes affairs so appealing.
Divorced
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They(RA) are more appealing than A, especially if you’re fairly certain that you can get away w/ it. Ie Free Pass. This makes it even more seductive and there is little to no guilt/shame. At least w/ the A, you’d assume a large dose of guilt/shame. I wouldn’t call it childish necessarily. It also serves as proof that the WS is willing to take one right in the gut for what they did.
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I mean really...who is going to jump in a stinkin pig sty...and shout out to their WS..."I'll show you...take that...and this...guess this shows you what for...huh?" Perhaps someone that is so wounded by their spouses betrayal that they act out in a fashion that would have been foreign to them prior to the affair. If the act of betrayal truly hurts anywhere near being raped, it certainly is understandable. People that have been sexually assaulted or those that have dealt with affairs could be dealing with PTSD which easily could result in acting our sexually. It has NOTHING to do with maturity in most cases and everything to do with the injury they are dealing with. So would you say then that it would be understandable for a rape victim to go out and commit rape? I don't agree. When we start making excuses for RA, then we must allow excuses for A. The WW for instance could say,"Well he emotionally abused me so due to my PTSD I went out and found an OM to help deal with it." That just doesn't work for me.
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So would you say then that it would be understandable for a rape victim to go out and commit rape?
I don't agree. Huh? Is it understandable when a rape victim acts out sexually later on in life??? Sure it is. I have zero clue as to where you got this silly question. Rape is NOT acting out sexually. You say "you don't agree" as though that is what I said. I didn't.
Last edited by medc; 09/02/08 05:15 PM.
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When we start making excuses for RA, then we must allow excuses for A. says who?
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MEDC, I am saying, if an AFFAIR is understandable reaction to an AFFAIR, would RAPE be an understanable reaction to RAPE?
It was my way of saying "tit for tat" doesn't work for me. Sin is sin, no excuse. I'm sorry if I was unclear and caused confusion.
I'm one of those people who thinks no matter what might have happened to me as a child, it does not give me excuse as an adult to act out. And if my H chooses to screw around on me, it is not understandable to me that I would lower myself to his level. That would be sickening.
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See here is what I don't get. We often talk about how adultery damages our children. (Medc, you are one of the best advocates here for children and I appreciate that.)
It's hard for me to reconcile that thought, with the thought that if my H destroys my children through adultery, that it is in any way understandable that I would want to FURTHER destroy them. The opposite would be true to me. If I love my children, I want to be their one sane parent, ya know?
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Well, first off...sin is NOT sin. All sins are NOT equal. Thank you for clearing it up. "Tit for tat" is wrong...period. I said they are always WRONG...but they are understandable. It does not excuse the behavior...merely puts it in context. Just like a woman that has been abused by her husband..I don't agree that her affair is right...but I will not assign the same level of scorn against that woman as I would for someone that had a relatively normal life. I get what you are saying...but remember you are NOT speaking with a mind that has been literally altered by a traumatic event. Some people have a physiological response that results in them acting out in ways that they never would have dreamed of. To me, it puts it into perspective.
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KIR, would you assign the same level of blame to a WS if you KNEW that they were suffering from a mental problem that caused them to act in ways that were against their lifelong morals and principles? I know I would take that into account.
Some people that have suffered the trauma of infidelity do not respond as well as we would hope. Some kill themselves, others retreat into a severe depression from which they never recover...some act out in different ways.
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Well, first off...sin is NOT sin. All sins are NOT equal. I should have said "Adultery is sin, no excuse."
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Well, first off...sin is NOT sin. All sins are NOT equal. I should have said "Adultery is sin, no excuse." I agree...no excuse. But I do understand when a wounded person acts out differntly. It doesn't excuse it...it HELPS explain it.
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KIR, would you assign the same level of blame to a WS if you KNEW that they were suffering from a mental problem that caused them to act in ways that were against their lifelong morals and principles? I know I would take that into account.
Some people that have suffered the trauma of infidelity do not respond as well as we would hope. Some kill themselves, others retreat into a severe depression from which they never recover...some act out in different ways. Hmmm, I'll have to think about this. I do understand what you're getting at. But it's dangerous (IMHO) to "give an out" I'm afraid. I've heard many foggy waywards here use the excuse "He had me so mentally beat down I just didn't know what I was doing." To me, if ANYONE gets a "pass" for adultery, you're going to have a line of people wanting their pass too. This is hard for me as I am not one that wants to easily give excuses for ANY sort of bad behavior for anyone (myself included.) I like to think as adults we can overcome our propensities whether inborn, or trauma induced. It's possible I'm a bit of a hard nose!
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