But even "to boost the ego" as a reason for an RA isn't really any different than the original WS's A in that they are likely justifying it by saying it met some need of theirs. I don't think this is the same as what MEDC is decribing (temporary insanity due to pain, post-traumatic stress syndrome or whatever). I agree that to do so for a purpose of any kind, such as to boost your ego, is somewhat premeditated.

Look, the fact of the matter is that there is an "R" attached to a RA for a reason....a reason that wouldn't even exist without the original affair.

No original affair....no "R".

Pretty plain and simple.


If I did not have a "R" attached to my ONS, and it was just an "A"...then I'd be the one at home trying to win back my W's respect, love, and admiration...but I'm not...that's her job.

Both are equal to wrongs... One does not trump over the other. Regardless if the RA is a few days or ONS. It can cause more damage then good. You will not only have to work out the one that had the orginal A but also work out the RA as well.

So, you being a FWW...if your BH had a RA (shortly after dday) you would hold him to the fire for it?

Well I realize this conversation always goes in circles, so I may as well get off the merry-go-round, but I still don't understand how becoming a cheater is an ego boost. It would make me feel horrible about myself to lower myself to the despicable behavior that destroys families. Having cold calculated revenge sex, would make me feel about as ego-boosted as one of MelodyLane's famous rutting pigs!

The family (if you have one...which I don't) was already destroyed by my cheating wife. She made the choice to do that...not me. I made the choice to get on with my life by seeing what else was out there. Decided that it wasn't for me (ONS's), but at least I took control back. How could a BS taking back control of their life be a bad thing? Of course there is the argument that there are WAY better ways to take back control of your life...but (as Medc has pointed out) at the time around dday those other ways were pretty hard to grasp.

Looks like there's a number of reasons for "revenge-affairs". Tick off any that apply

1. To punish the WS
2. To recover self-esteem
3. To see if you've still "got it"
4. To "wake-up" the WS to what they might be losing.
5. To take advantage of the situation to get some 'strange' of your own
6. To "even" the situation


I'm not sure if any of those are "right" reasons, but I suspect that if I WAS attracted to get involved in a RA, it would be for reasons 2 and 3.

Chalk me up for reasons 2, 3 and 4.

Wrong.

The original A was also INTENTIONAL infliction of harm. It doesn't matter if they didn't think they'd get caught. They did it ON PURPOSE, KNOWING how it would affect the BS if they found out.

An RA lowers one's character, no doubt. After the RA, my character would still be one notch above my FWW's, simply because she went first. That makes all the difference.



His FWW printed, laminated, and issued his license to him all on her own.

How could his RA POSSIBLY be a bigger screw-up than the original affair? How could his wife f_cking another man make his extramarital sex a bigger mistake?

The bottom line is that his RA was no worse than the original A, and his FWW deserved it. It is a fair and just punishment for what she did...and all WS DO deserve punishment, whether the BS decides to inflict it or not.

The marital vows are null and void upon the first sexual contact with another person. The contract is broken.

His RA WASN'T that bad.



Oh my, what a load of hogwash. Were you brainwashed, or did you come up with this on your own?

The original affair isn't as bad because they didn't realize the full impact of what they were doing?

You're joking, right?

First of all, there is no "slippery slope" when it comes to sex. This is a myth I'm sick of.

Besides all of the fantasizing about how great OP is going to be in bed, there is plenty of scheming, planning, lying, and deceiving from the very beginning. Why? Because they KNOW what the possible consequences are if they are caught. They KNOW their spouse would be crushed upon discovery.

You know what? MOST WS ASSUME THAT IF DISCOVERED, THE RESULT WOULD BE DIVORCE. So the WS in the original affair actually OVERESTIMATES the backlash of the affair in most cases.

As bad as things are for the BS, the WS believes the pain would be even worse than it really is.

Did you really just partially blame TV, movies, and books for the behavior of people in an affair? :RollieEyes:



The WS knew it would hurt, and they struck first.

If the RA hurts them worse, they can cry about it, file for divorce, or suck it up and accept their fair and just punishment.




This is not a religious issue. "Sin" shouldn't even enter into the debate.

Once the marital contract is broken (see above), it's not even sin.



Stop making excuses for WS's. You sound like you either are a WS yourself, or have had one chirping in your ear for far too long.

Dude

I think your problem is that you had an affair, RA, and now made yourself a WH. You did not earn the BH title but was given that.

Either way you can never go back to being just a BH. You forever will be a WH/BH. You have lost, no chose to give up the moral the moral high ground.

Without the shield of the moral high ground you have left yourself open for attack for having a PA.

Some WW's will just sit there after their BH becames a WH by having a RA. They will just sit there. Man up. Take a hit for the team. This position is not required from a WW to give their BH a free pass to go and have a RA.

Some WS's can not just sit there and take it. They don't have to. Everyone feels the pain of being cheated on. Being a WS first does not make it any less painful when they become a WS/BS.

If anything having a RA makes it easier for the original WS to tell the original BS well were even now, no longer for you to rub my affair in my face any longer.

This is why some WS's encourage their BS to have a RA. Once the BS has their RA. The WS gets to say to the kettle look who's calling the pot black.

Your RA gave your WW the ammunition to fight you with. So don't be mad that she's shooting the bullets back at you.

When I was a WW, my BH and I lived seperately for over two years. During that time, he dated, had two "serious" relationships and I never considered it a RA.

Yes, it was adultery and he violated his vows (after I had completely trashed them). Yes, he had sex with many more partners than I did during our marriage (during the seperation).

But I am the one (as far as I know) that violated the original marital contract.

As a BW, I seriously doubt if my WH cared if I was rutting with everyone in the neighborhood. (I didn't, but I was in save the marriage mode, not that I would have become the neighbohood tramp regardless).

I do believe that we will each answer for our individual sins one day. But for me, his relationships during our seperation (caused by my adultery) were not deal breakers to me. I would say they made reconciliation more difficult, but I would have to admit we never reconciled since he had an affair and left within a year of our "reconciliation".

You are married until you are divorced.

By your logic, Krazy, your WW actually only screwed around on you one time, because every subsequent time, she was no longer married.

That makes no sense. For goodness sake, if you felt the marriage contract was broken, there is such a thing is divorce.

I'm appalled at the wayward mindset which thinks it's fine to screw around if you didn't do it first. It's like you were just waiting to do this fun and wonderful thing.

Seriously, I doubt you REALLY feel that way, but it almost sounds like it.

I hold him to his RA yes. If you want ask him. He goes by RMX on here. He holds himself to his RA as I do to my A.

Legally, yes. Until the proper paperwork has been processed and the proceedings are finished, you are still technically married.

But as far as the "spiritual" or "emotional" part of marriage...the part that really matters...it ends when the adultery begins.



Oh, so only once, huh? Silly me...things aren't nearly as bad as I've been making them out to be, I suppose.


The contract WAS broken. It is a fact beyond debate. Divorce is ALWAYS an option for ANYONE who is legally married.


I didn't say it was fine. I said it was fair and just punishment, should the BS choose that route. If the original WS doesn't like it, too bad. "Divorce is always an option".


I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.

I can't speak for Dude...but if my W told me "we are even now" or "don't rub my affair in my face"...her bags would be packed.


It is not the pot calling the kettle black. I did not lie, decieve, play head games, manipulate or sneak around. You can't just take one aspect (sex) form both affairs, then try to make them both equal....they are far from it.

Thank God there is someone here that realizes that THEY are to blame for ending the marriage by having an affair first. The contract of marriage is broken when one commits adultery....period.

Thank you for your honesty.

I hold myself to my RA as well...it was my choice to do it, so it's my decision to hold myslef to it.

Dis you say things to him like "you have no right to talk about my affair...you are the pot calling the kettle black?"

If you did, how did he react?

Just to clarify, I believe we are divorced due to my ex's affair. Once we started living together again and pledged to rebuild our marriage, his affair that began after that is what ended our marriage. Please see signature for the quick synopsis.

Yes, I broke original contract, but contract was "renewed" with our agreement to both return to the marriage. IMO, the affair that ended our marriage was not a RA. It was just a plain ole affair.

Once a BS has taken the FWS back, the "statute of limitations" has expired.

Sounds like a have a lot of loopholes, hmmm. But JMHO

Oh I told him the things you would kick your WW out of the house for. You know saying see what I did wasnt so bad... And we are even now... I said it every time he threw the A in my face I would throw his right back. Then he told me that he lied there was on RA and it was jsut to hurt me just as bad. It wasnt till 8 yrs about down the road he finally came clean and told me the RA did honestly happien. He told me 8 yrs later to hurt me because I wouldnt give him oral in the bedroom he told me becaue he wanted me to do what the OW did with him even if his was a ONS RA as well. Its still an A it still hurt. It opened wounds that were forgotten.

Your BS likely agreed too return to the M too soon.

I'm beginning to wonder if that is what happened in my situation. I never REALLY considered divorce, or even seperation. Maybe I should have.