I’m wondering, why you consider me to still be in a fog?

When I first read that statement, I felt a bit angry and thought “what the heck do you mean???”, but then wondered why I felt that way; why I had such a response.

I’d like to hear what you have to say, I’d like to learn. I feel I’ve taken responsibility for my horrible decisions, but maybe I'm missing something.

Thanks for your input; I didn’t want to TJ GForce’s thread.

Dear Bottlerocket,

Here is a paste of the post you wrote when I responded that I felt you were still in a fog:

What led to EA Unmet EN's, lack of knowledge, lack of closure with EXBF (he's who I had the EA with)

How long did you know OM for before EA 6Y; 3Y EA

What ways did you sneak around H had no access to my computer, work phone, and cell phone

Did your love for hubby diminish at this time Not only love, but respect, trust, feelings of safety.

Did you actually love OM or was it just him filling a void Both, I had unresolved young love, but as an adult didn't know if my feelings were actual love, or if I was remembering how we used to be; he definitely filled a void for me.

Did your EA develop to PA and if so after how long It did not, but probably could have had we lived closer

During the course of EA, did you realise it was an EA or did you consider it strong friendship I did not know it was an EA, but, I DID know that it was wrong, because it was something that I kept hidden.

During the course of EA did you want to stop it but found yourself addicted like a drug Nope. Looking back now, I see how it could have been like a drug, because it wasn't until many months after not contacting him that I realized what I had been doing was really, really wrong. It didn't feel so wrong at the time, even though I felt like I needed to keep it hidden.

How did you feel after EA was discovered Mine wasn't discovered in the traditional sense. I ended things and remained NC for 3-4Y before truly coming clean to my H. I came clean to him because of his own ONS, and I felt that if I was expecting transparency from him, I also needed to provide it to him.
_________________________
Me 33
H 32
DS 7

Actively recovering, learning, loving, earning a better marriage!



Bottlerocket,

The part that I was responding to was the first part of your answer:

What led to EA Unmet EN's, lack of knowledge, lack of closure with EXBF (he's who I had the EA with)

Because, Bottlerocket--

unmet needs did not lead you to have an EA. There are many ways to respond to the fact that you have unmet emotional needs other than having an EA. I don't really know what you mean by "lack of knowledge". But also, lack of closure with EXBF also did not lead to an EA. Again, there are many ways to deal with "lack of closure" and many, many times there is lack of closure with an old BF/GF. This "lack of closure does not have to lead to an EA. These are not reasons for the EA. Reasons for the EA have to do with your inability to protect your marriage and maintain proper boundaries. My FWH had an EA with an old HS girlfriend. He also had unmet emotional needs and had "lack of closure" with her. It only took him a matter of days to know that he did not have the EA because of these issues. He had the EA because he did not protect his marriage and had poor boundaries. It took us a while to figure out more detail, but we did. And it did not have anything to do with "lack of closure" or his unmet needs. I hope I am being clear with my answer. Basically, it seems like you are still pointing the finger at your H for the reasons why you had the EA. Your EA did not take place because your H was not meeting your emotional needs, nor did it take place because you had lack of closure with an old boyfriend. You have to dig deeper and protect your marriage.

I hope all is well with you and your H and I wish you the best. I was concerned that I would come across as insulting you and was concerned about that. I am glad that you were able to ask the question.

OMG, thank you so much for responding to me. This really has me conflicted.

I've been NC with OM and OM's (only because she's close contact) mother for 4yrs, as a way to protect my R. So when you said I was still in a fog, it really concerned me as I've been trying really hard to meet my H's EN's and be the woman he deserves, continue NC. I've held true to the NC. He still says I'm "rationalizing" my EA.

I was not M'd to my H when this happened, but we had a child, and were living as a M'd couple. I have not committed any kind of EA/PA while I was M'd, but still have made mistakes within our R. I wish, with all of my heart I could take them back, but we all know, that I cannot. I can just continue to attain to be the woman my H deserves. The woman I know I am.

I said "lack of knowledge", because I am "one step down" from being a certified counselor. I blame (in portion) my lack of knowledge of my EA on my immaturity, my inability to communicate productively with my BF/now H, my insecurity, my lack of understanding what (specifically) EA's are. What I did is not who I was/who I am. I feel, had I been more informed, I would have been able to recognize it for what it was, and corrected the problem.

Please, if I'm still in a fog, let me know, because I don't want to be. I want to be the woman I know I am. I am not my mistakes, I am better than that.

I wholly agree with you, I had the EA because of my own inability to protect my R and maintain proper boundaries. Bounderies is/are something that both my H and I had to learn about the hard/difficult/immaginiably horrific way...


I'm just so concerned that I'm stuck on something. My BF (now H thinks I'm justifying, and that is so not what I'm trying to do) If you see something I do not, please let me know...

Thank you, again. I really appreciate your input.


Here's our timeline:

I've known my BF/H since I was 15, got together at 23YO

Cheated on my BF 1mos into our R, I had my "reasons"; no excuses, it was completely my responsibility.

FWanderingGF/BFGF 2001-2004 off & on EA w/old BF (phone & computer)

FBBF/FWanderingBF 2000/2001 3mos PA w/OW

My NC 5/2004 (I initiated NC because I was 100% committed to our R, and I had already completely disrespected BF and was not going to do it anymore. I was in our R 100%, we were going to be M'd, and I believe in everything being M'd stands for)

M'd 8/2005

His ONS 9/2006

He states immediate NC 9/2006

D-Day End Sept-Beg Oct 2007

NC letters written by H: OW from 2000/2001; did not do to 2006 HO due to potential legal liabilities; one written to toxic "friend" from 2004 contact (not previously mentioned).




Maybe I shouldn't be answering some BH's/BW's because I wasn't M'd during a portion of our pain. I'm trying to help, but if I'm hindering more than I'm helping, I'll cut loose.

Both me and my H are trying so desperately to right our wrongs, to become the people we both need... and if our intense pain can help others, well...

What did your FOO have to do with your decisions? If you're truly trying to become a counselor, you shoud be able to dissect this aspect.

Hi Cat! Thank you for responding.

I'm not actively trying to become a counselor, I have my degrees, but when doing my internship realized that I am not cut out to be a counselor, because I became too emotionally involved with people; I cared too much (I worried about them, etc). (ha-ha, those pesky bounderies!) I was unable to leave work at work. So I went into another line of work where I could.

FOO has alot to do with my sh!tty decision making processes when I was younger. Dad had PA on Mom, we found out when I was 12 (supposedly it was 12yrs before that, and had already ended; was a couple of ONS's with a barfly in town). Mom kicked Dad out, and I was Mom's support system. Mom is also Bi-Polar, so I've pretty much always been an adult, and this new revelation was no different.

Mom took Dad back, my younger brother and I got to make some demands of my Dad about being around more (up to that point he spent alot of his free time at the neighborhood tavern). Looking back now, I don't remember any resolution on their part, it just went back to being the same 'ol, same 'ol, but now I actually had a present father.

When my own situation with my H's ONS came out (before I found MB, and I had exposed to my family, H's family, and our very close friends), it really stirred up alot of my parent's "stuff"; My mom wants to talk about what happened to she and dad. It's difficult, it's hard to separate my pain from her discussions. I also see so many warning signs (gaslighting, fence-sitting, probable lying), and I have issues about it, but don't know if it's something I should put my nose into or not. My mom is VERY naive, and sometimes I think she doesn't really want to know the truth. (Sorry for the tangent)


Let's see... alcoholic family, emotional abuse, cheating, psychological issues... yup, my FOO's just full of crap that has affected me.


I've tried to talk with my H about these things and how they had an impact on my cheating on him when we were BF/GF; that's when he thinks I'm trying to give him excuses. They're not excuses, there is NO excuse, but they are issues that affected me and helped me to make horrible decisions about our R. They helped me to not protect my R the way I should have.


So does anybody know about Asperger's? (sp?) Our DS was dx'd in 2006, and I really really think that if my H were to go be tested, he'd be dx'd too. I think his ONS (possibly) had something to do with that. Any input??

OMG! To see it all layed out there... we're one F'd up bunch!

I've gotta laugh or else I'll cry.