I forwarded the link to the article from pyschologytoday.com and received so much great feed back. Enjoyed the read myself thanks for sharing. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930501-000027.html

Can I ask you, why are our spouses so angry? I mean I know why they blame us, but why the lashing out on top of the blame? Its weird. We should be the ones who are angry.

Have you told all his church friends and pastors about his affair yet? Neighbours? Relatives?

He KNOWS he's doing wrong by you and he has to justify his actions to himself somehow. Anger is one of the ways he does this.

I did tell the Pastor,several church friends, a few Neighbors and our family. He cut off his 2 brothers that are not condoning this and in support of me and the children. He only talks to a few mutual friends that we know. He made a comment to my 17 year old daughter that none of his friends are calling him. I mean what does he want? What are the friends supposed to say. His brother said Im not here to judge you just to encourage you to do the right thing and return to your family. He said he didn't want to do the right thing and thats a wrong reason to return. Then eventually cussed him out and said he never wanted to talk to him again.

I don't know,its been 4 months since I found out. Trying to hold out at least to 6 months. I hear sometimes they end around 6 months. It's really hard. I'm sad quite a bit then confused then angry. Every night I go to bed and wonder how he could do this to us.

Are you sure it is his pride that is keeping you apart or is it yours? If he wants you to beg him to come home then do it! That is exactlly what I did. My H was so angry with me that he didn't even want to agree to meet with me to talk. But I convinced him by telling him that he had been the most important man in my life and that I needed to talk about what went wrong so that I could learn from MY mistakes and get closure. When he came over I basically told him everything that I now realized I did wrong and how sorry I was for everything that I had done wrong. He agreed with everything I said and then added his two cents and then added that he was happy with OW even though they had nothing. I followed him out my door and hugged him while I sobbed even though he didn't really hug me back. I did this after a good friend told me that she believed that pride had kept her mom and dad from ever getting back together and she begged me not to let MY pride stand in the way of my family. I also think it is important to point out that I did not mention anything that my H had done wrong during our marriage at that point, it was all about what I had done wrong and what I would do different from now. I know as a BS we want to talk about the A and what our WS did wrong, but I knew there would be plenty of time for that if my H decided to come home. I had to focus on what it would take to get him home. That meeting sent my H into a tailspin, up until that point he honestly thought that I did not care that he had left because I did not cry and beg him to stay. I am so glad that I decided to not let MY pride get in the way of my family.

When my husband told the family about the affair, that very day he packed up and left. The 3 days following we talked and I asked him if he would consider coming home the children begged him I said we can work on things. Offered counseling, which he says I don't want to be Dr. Phil'd as he doesn't believe in counseling. I told him let's not throw away almost 19 years without trying. Long story short he came home on the 3rd day apologized broke up with her.

During the 2 weeks after he came home(because me and the kids begged) basically told me he came home for the wrong reason-for guilt, guilt is not a reason to come home, he did not love me he made a mistake marrying me, and he did not want to do the right thing and doing the right thing is not a reason to come home, his anger was bad again and went back to the OW and lied all over again. It wasn't until I had someone follow him to get proof did he admit to going back to her.

So he wanted me to beg him back while he was back with her.All that I've read says that begging is unattractive. And my H has stated many times even in front of my daughter how strong the OW is.
I know we all have pride in one way or another but I have tried to check my self and did ask him to come home but it bit me in the face in end.

Trying:

About this:


So be stronger.

OW is living on quicksand.

You are living with children and a marriage license.

You CAN be stronger.

LG

Thank you so much. That is my goal. TryingToLetItGo, thought maybe my pride was an issue because I did not beg H back but I did at the onset and it really back fired badly. I do think at least requesting to work on things before throwing it all away is a good thing to do.

But for as much information that I have received through books and websites etc. these individuals who commit affairs are suffering somewhat from addictions and they have character flaws. That yes we were not perfect in any way but that does not license going outside the commitment of marriage. These spouses have many ways they could have gone if the marriage was bad. There's always good old communication. But I believe that in some ways it is premeditated or that they at some point believe they will do it. My H told me and my daughter that he always new he would do this he just didn't know when. Funny thing wish he woudl have let me in on that info.

I think being stronger is attractive and gives us all self respect. I think in all of this yes we want restoration but not at the cost of self respect. Self respect is attractive.

Yes! this is correct.
Do NOT beg him. We all fall into that trap at first, but they rarely come back when you beg, and even when they do, you end up walking on egg shells for months, years even, constantly bowing and scraping to their every request in order to keep him faithful.That is no way to live.

I do not get onto the comptuer on weekends - many of us do not - so I apologize that you get certain people posting to you for awhile, then they seem to disapper for a couple of days!

Anger: They all get angry. And you are right - we should be angry with them! I think the reason they get angry is just because things did not go the way they thought they would. I don't know if the typical WS spends much time thinking about what is going to happen when they dump their family. In their foggy brains, they think that everyone will be upset for a little while, but eventaully people will see that it is all for the best. But reality is much differnt.

My WxH actaully had the nerve to tell our boys "I am happier than I have ever been before in my life!!! Surely you guys wouldn't deny me this chance at happiness" What a jerk.
My teenage boys relayed that story to me - can you imagine how horrifed they must have been to hear that. ugh

In the beginning, my WxH said that he actually WAS happy with me - but he was HAPPIER with her. After a couple of weeks with friends and family memebers telling him that he was being an idiot, he changed his story to: "I was not happy for several years" After more time went by - his story became: "I have been miserable the entire 18 years. I have never been happy with WOF."
and at that point- his anger kicked in. he was mad at me, because other people were telling him that he was making a huge mistake - and he didn't want to hear that. The typical WS thinks that the hardest part will be getting their dirty little secret out in the open. They will tell their W they are leaving for the OW, and it will be hard that one day. The W will cry, but at last the secret will be out, and it will be such a huge relief. They will finally be free to openly screw the OW!

But in reality - telling their dirty little secret is just the beginning of their crap. It only gets worse from there. And it is all your fault.

Him living with OW does not mean your M is over. Not by a long shot. He will tell you it is over - and he will tell everyone else it is too. In his mind, your M is over. But he is acting on feelings right now, not facts, and certianly not reality.

You ask if his stubborn pride will keep him away? I would say that 90% of the BS on here have said the same thing. the answer is no. His pride will probably keep him from coming to you on bended knee with roses. But that is not how it usually happen anyway.
Usually they come back slowly, quietly. they call you to see how you are. They stop by to pick up the kids, and linger for an hour talking to you. they offer to take the kids out to dinner, and at the last minute, take you as well. After a month or so, you say something like: I think I am in recovery.

Right now, you are not yet in Plan B. So keep up a nice Plna A. You may want to remind him "H, I love you. I believe in you. I would like to have the chane to build a new, better M with you. But talkig to you while you are w/ OW is just so painful for me. I need to protect my heart, and that is why I do not call you to beg you to come home. Please understand, my heart is broken, and I need to protect it as best I can."

Okay I think I mispoke. I did not "beg" my H to come home. I told him what I knew I did wrong, I apologized for what I did wrong, and I told him what I would do different now. I let him vent (he was full of anger) and I listened to him add to what I did wrong and I agreed with him. I did tell him I loved him and wanted him to come home, but I did not plead and beg. I think what I did took a great deal of strength and my H never saw me as being weak for doing it. It was me owning up for my part in the failure of our marriage. It did take me putting aside my pride, but that took a great deal of strength and there is nothing wrong or weak in being humble.

I am positive that my H thinks I am one of the strongest women he has ever known. OW was a weak person and he hated that.

So setting your pride aside doesn't mean you are weak, it can in fact mean that you are very strong.

Oh no!! I wasn't trying to say that you had begged, I was trying to addres what another poster had said:
[quote] If he wants you to beg him to come home then do it! [/quote

Sorry that I did not communicate better.

I did not want to openly disagree with another poster, so I was kind of beting around the bush.

I think you would agree with me that in those first few days,when your life is torn apart, you would almost do anything to get your M back together quickly! But in time you start to see that you would like your M back togheter, but it needs to be on solid ground.

I am the one that said that. That is why I felt a need to clarify what I had intended to say. I have used the word beg to describe the conversation I had with my H about what I had done wrong and so on, but I realize now that beg is the wrong word.

When Trying2Live's WH told her that if she wanted her marriage why wasn't she begging him, maybe he meant something different by that. Maybe he needs to hear her own up to her part in the failure of the marriage. I know that is what my H needed to hear to start him even thinking about a future with me again.

I see what your saying and thanks for clarifying. I do understand what you mean and will continue to examine my heart on any issues and areas that I may have not met any needs.

I'm glad to see you made it.

TryingToLetItGo,
I was wondering, was there another woman in your marriage? My husband and I had been together since the 8th grade, 14 years old. One of the things he said he regretted was marrying me so young, that he never got to date other women and that he had never had sex with any other women besides me and it bothered him. It was very hard to hear that and I was heart broken. With a H telling you that kind of issue is there still a need to write a the letter in Plan B?
I sometimes think that he's not just having an affair but a Mid Life Crisis. He started dressing a lot different much younger, started listening to different music, regretting his life, trying to be real hip, exercising, getting a tan and super worried about getting a farmers tan from his arm being in the car window(I know LOL). It's like he wanted to be young. Does Mid Life Crisis count in a break down of a marriage? I'm not sure if it is MLC or just and affair or both.

Anyone chime in and reply.

HEy guys I also read Dr. James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. Anyone read it? I did the open the trap door with my H.

Do these spouses of our know we want reconciliation or must we say it? I assume they know we want our marriages recovered it we haven't filed for Divorce correct?

If you are going into Plan B, you need to write the letter. The letter states the conditions you require him to meet in order to return to the marriage. If he doesn't meet these conditions, why would you even want him back? Do you really want to go through more of this? Of course not. Since he's thinking with his zipper right now, you need to spell out the conditions clearly in the letter.

I did not write a letter. But I don't want Wstbx back. He's not coming back as there are no conditions that he can possibly meet.

Ok its only been 4 months since discovery but what if he's never said he wants the marriage back? He just had the affair, left, moved in with her, blamed it on me, is angry with me, does not talk with me, is living another life as a married man. Am I to assume he wants the marriage back?

Don't assume anything. Try to see the logic in this. He left. He is living with OW. For all intents and purposes, HE has checked out of the M. You can either (1) give up and divorce him or (2) make an effort to save your M. Making the effort doesn't guarantee the M will be saved, but giving up and filing for D does guarantee the end of it. So do you want to try and save it?

If so, follow the MB principles. They work. If you've Plan A'd all you can, prepare for Plan B. In Plan B, you will be protected from his anger and cruelty (yes cruelty as WS's are innately cruel). He, on the other hand, will no longer have you to meet ANY of his ENs. Believe it or not, you are probably still meeting some. If the OW can't meet ALL of them, he's going to notice something missing. Also, when living together, you cannot avoid those dull, mundane domestic issues like laundry, bills, car repairs etc., that erode fantasy land. As this happens, he will rethink what he's done and reevaluate his situation. One day that OW won't seem so special to him anymore. If he knows what conditions to meet to return, he'll have the option to choose that. And if you've avoided his anger, you may still be willing to take him back. There are a lot of "if's" here. But the alternative is definitely not.

If not, follow the MB principles anyway. They will help your personal recovery. You are hurting and need to heal.

Yes there was another woman. My H started dating her about 3 weeks before he walked out on me. She was his high school girlfriend and he had gotten back in touch with her at their 20 year reunion. I sat right next to her and talked to her the whole evening.

I also felt like my H was having a midlife crisis. Funny thing is that if he had been a single man who had started to work out and get in shape, began dressing younger, and took up new hobbies, no one would say MLC.

I actually fell like my H had a sort of mental breakdown after our talk when I told him all the things I knew I did wrong and so on. I honestly think that before that talk he thought that I did not want to be married and was not happy with him, so he just felt like he had no other choice than to move on, if he wanted to be happy. After our talk he told me that he felt like his head was in a blender. He got really angry with me for waiting months to tell him how I felt, because now other people (OW and her kids) would get hurt.

To answer your question about whether our spouses know we want to reconcile. From what I just wrote you can see that mine did not know. In fact it hurt him deeply that I was not more upset about him leaving, he really thought I did not want to be married to him anymore. Truth is I thought he would take a short break and realize how wonderful our little family is and come home. I was waiting for him to beg me to take him back and he was waiting for me to beg him to come back. Our pride almost got us divorced. I am proud to say that I was strong enough to put my pride aside and save my family.

Thanks very helpful. One more question, same topic. I have no problem doing Plan B. I think I already did Plan A when he returned home for 2 weeks after discovery. But he went back to her sometime during that 2 weeks, he couldn't handle the withdrawal. During the 2 weeks I was kind and did best i could. Watching him cry over her and saying nothing. Anyways he left went back to her.
So I'm pretty sure Plan B is in order. Have no problem with the no contact because I already hardly have no contact. Maybe 1 time a week about finances. So this is the hard part about the Plan B for me. I am totally financially dependent on him. I have been a stay at him wife and mom straight out of high school-that when were married. So I can see making arrangement for kids through friends but the money thing is hard. He still somewhat put money in the bank, i am paying bills here and he has his credit cards there. Suggestions? Talk through friends about money?

Sorry I am not a believer in Plan B. I know that if I had gone into Plan B my H would have simply continued his new life with OW. I had to show him how I was changing and what our futures would be like if we divorced, this could not be done in Plan B.