First, let me say this site has been a huge resource. I truly appreciate it.

My wife and I have been married for 9.5 years. We have 2 kids 8 and 5. About a month ago she took the kids with her to her sisters house (out of state) and attended her 20th high school reunion. I was not at all worried about her doing anything. Well, a few days after she returned, she was acting strangely, she told me she felt alive during the reconnecting with her old friends and that she had a great time. Something was different and I could tell. She had created a Facebook account (something she never woul have done before)and was chatting on it with a girlfriend she reconnected with every night, if not they were talking every night on the phone. I guessed at her password and checked out her Facebook acct. On the surface all was innocent enough, until I came across a chat conversation she had with her girlfriend. Well, she apparently, while drunk, had fooled around with this guy at the reunion. Based on what I read it was a kiss or makeout session or something to that effect. The kicker was that she expressed the desire for more at the time.

This shocked me to say the least, I immediately called her on it and was unbelieveably hurt and disappointed. She felt tremendous guilt and immediately got us in to Marriage Counseling. We, so far have been to 2 sessions. In the sessions it was determined by the counselor that I had a fear of abandonment which has, in her words, caused me to react to this like it was an affair or sex, which it was not. There have been a few flair up where I have overreacted to situations. It has been 5 weeks and I am still so hurt. She has had no contact with the guy she kissed, as far as she has said. But she is now hurt at how I have treated her in the aftermath of all of this. I have been so hurt by all of this. I feel like I am losing my wife, because she now wants time to try and come to grips with some things herself.

We had a relatively normal marriage, whatever that means. We both work full time, have 2 kids in school and life had started to overtake our relationship. We were spending less quality time together, because most nights we were both just so tired.

I really don't want to lose my wife and family, I want to work it out. But there has been very little that has come from her. I have been reading and working on the issues that were outlined by the counselor and have noticed a slight improvement. She, right now is very distant. I try and talk to her and she just says she needs some time and space to collect herself. Lately we have been getting along better, but the elephant is still in the room.

Obviously we have both contributed to what happend, but right now I feel like I am the one working on healing more than she is.

I should mention that this is her second marriage and in her first, there was physical abuse involved. Never would I hurt her in any way, but part of me thinks that her reaction to my anger is bringing her back to bad places in her past.

I feel like I am in a catch 22, when I try and talk to her, I push her away, when I give her space it seems to help her, but I feel left out in the cold.

Does anyone out ther have any insight that might help me in this extremely difficult time?

Thank you.

1st thing ... you need to INSIST on a new MC.

We had a MC that tried to tell me that my WW didn't technically have an affair, because there was no intercourse ... much as in your situation. I KNEW BETTER ... and after that session, we never returned to him.

MOST MC's are IGNORANT about infidelity. After we learned a few of the basic principles, we were much better off working on our issues ourselves. I doubt I will ever seek the advice of a MC again ... as a rule, they are simply CLUELESS.

Hi CC,

I am so sorry that you find yourself here. That said, it is a very good place to learn to recover your marriage and get great support and advice. First of all, your feelings are totally normal. Whatever happened at that reunion has caused your W to withdraw from you and the M counselor that she has chosen has empowered her by minimizing what she did and villifying you for your reaction. You need to ditch him. Can you afford marriage coaching from the Harleys? That would be your best bet to save your M.

Read everything on this site and order the books. You have caught this early but how it is handled will determine whether or not your M survives and you heal properly from this betrayal. Your WW is obviously bored with your M. Why didn't you go to this reunion?

The pros will be along soon with help and advice. Please listen to them. We have all been through this and learned much on our journey.

God's Blessings,

Say

I did not go to the reunion because I had started a new job within the last 6 months and did not have any vacation time.

I really do not know how to procede here. I want her to realize the extent she has hurt our relationship but her silence and her desire for some space to breath is just making my mind fester with thoughts.

I am going to give the MC 1 more chance to see where this procedes. If I end up being the punching bag again, I am done. I understand some of the MC's points and admit that I have overreacted in certain circumstances, but I just don't understand what a proportional response to this situation would be.

Very, very confused and this situation seem to dominate my daily thoughts.

What did you do?

You need to dump that MC ASAP. Your wife makes out with another man and your anger/hurt is because you have abandonment issues? :twobyfour:

A desire for space to breathe is standard WS fogspeak for "I want space to explore a relationship with OP without you around to make me feel guilty." Do not agree to space. What you need is 15 hours a week doing fun things with no relationship talk. Be the man she fell in love with! Read up on plan A and everything else you can find here. Order the books. Read other peoples stories on these forums. You can start at the beginning of some of these threads and see exactly how yours will end if you give her that space.

Expect her to rewrite your marital history and put all of the blame on you. This site and these boards will do you more good than ten years of marital counseling. Since she agreed to counseling, suggest coaching with the Harleys. They are like going to an oncologist when you have cancer. Her feelings for this OM are a cancer.

Your current MC will help her to destroy your M. If you must go back to him ask if he is familiar with MB principles. I actually got ours to read SAA and HNHN but one e-mail between myself and Steve Harley did more good than a dozen counseling visits with him. If you can't afford the Harleys, borrow the cash.

God's Blessings,

Say

Hey CC, how are you? Hope you return.

Thanks for asking how I am doing. It means a lot to have this resource. To be honest, I don't quite know how I am doing. We had a good weekend together, had some friends over, bbq and the whole deal. I felt like a human being for the first time in a while. My wife and I have been getting along a bit better, at least on the surface. We don't spend too much time talking about our situation and at times I am ok with this. A little "normalcy" and time sometimes makes me see the forest through the trees.
I know that she has had no contact at all with the OM and I know that at least in her own way, she is making efforts. I do feel a bit alone at times. There is very little affection and since D-Day there has been nothing remotely close to sex. We are sleeping in the same bed, but you could park a Buick between us. It was 6 weeks yesterday that I discovered this and it still manages to dominate my thoughts. Not so much the act itself, but the progression. I want us both to make efforts to move ahead, I want a better relationship. I think we are at a weird stage in this process. She has seen me flip out over this several times, never anything close to physically but, I would just loose it and I have said some hurtful things. We have both done our fair share of apologizing during the last 6 weeks and she has assured me that she loves me and wants this to work out. It absolutely amazes me how someone can change so much in so little time.

As far as the MC goes, we have not seen her in a few weeks, due to my hectic work schedule. We have an appt. this Friday together. I know one of the issues that she has is wanting to connect with these old girlfriends she met up with during her reunion. She has stated that it is very important to her to be able to do this. As well as re-connect with some friends she has close to home. Throughout our marriage until this point I have always told her to go out to dinner with her friends, go hang out with this one, why don't you call that one. However when I wanted to do things they were accompanied by guilt. I would say " Do you mind if I go see so and so for a while tonight" and I would get the answer..."I guess so". Now, she thinks I am intimidated by her friends that she is making, she thinks that I feel that they pose a threat to me. I have told her that they don't, but I still relate all of our situation to this reunion she went to. I also know that she only talks to this one friend that she reconnected with about our relationship problems. I can't expect her not to, but sometimes I feel that it is unfair because this person does not know me, she does not know our history and she does not know our kids. Weird situation, I am not threatened and I don't care who she becomes friends with, but she appears to be using this as a crutch and I guess that is what bothers me.

I get really confused and don't know how to act sometimes, this woman is without a doubt, the love of my life. There are so many things I wish she would do, but I can't force the issue. I want her to know that I am here for her and I want her to be there for me. It doesn't have to be serious talk all the time, but some small acts of affection, a smile, I don't know. The idea that this happend to us still shocks me, I want to wake up from this bad dream.

Thsi is a HUGE red flag

You should insist on NC with these people as a condition of marriage. Your wife needs to realize she changed the rules.




Your wife should not be talking to someone else about your marriage condition.

Another red flag

She should not have contact with anyone who may have contact with OM.

Your wife does not yet get her betrayal!

I hear what you are saying loud and clear. I have had flags popping up throughout this whole process. I do know that there has been no contact with this guy. Her friend that she talks to told her from day 1 that she whould not be a go between in this scenario. I know this not because my W told me but because I have been monitoring "things". I hate doing it because it makes me feel like I am spying, but when your trust is broken, you have to do what you have to do.

I have been reading other's stories on this board throughout the past week or so and studying things as much as possible. So amazing the strength of people. I admire that.

I think we both reached our breaking point about 3 weeks ago. To answer the earlier question "What did you do?", I overheard her having a conversation with her friend about the reunion, nothing in particular, she was just laughing and carrying on. The conversation took place while I was having a really hard time. I was in our room just writing in a journal I started and I was just really emotional and upset. Hearing her mention this reunion and laughing while she had no idea I was upset just added fuel to the fire. When she got off of the phone, we argued and I told her how I was feeling. I was mean. I was throwing daggers. Something that is completely unlike me. I am normally a very even tempered person and have no temper to speak of. I find myself getting upset most times she goes off and does her own thing now. Wether it's a phone conversation or online. She isn't putting in the effort that would seem to indicate progress. Maybe I expect to much. Maybe I am being egocentric. There are certainly things in her life that she has had to deal with that I have not. Her x-husband put her in the hospital (15 yrs ago)and I really don't think she has ever dealt with the physically abusive nature of her 1st marriage. She has stated to me that when I get mad it reminds her of that situation. Talk about a dagger. I really don't know what she expects of me right now, to be perfectly honest, I don't know if she expects anything. She wants a truce (she says) she wants to work on the M (she says), but words without action mean nothing to me right now. I guess my problem right now is that I don't know what is going on between her ears. I have asked, but I get very little. Part of it is her not wanting to see me hurt more and part of it is that I just think she really just doesn't know what she wants.

This sounds awful, but what can I do? how do I proceed here? I have been trying to be positive (something I never had to work at doing before) I am trying to keep the peace and I am trying not to overreact to things. I don't even know how to act when I am around her most of the time, I feel like I am sitting beside a stranger. Just a stranger I am in love with and have been married to for 9.5 years. A stranger that is a good mother to our kids. It is so weird. And it is so daunting.