NOREGRETS - BRAVO _ BRAVO BRAVO -

I am glad that someone else shares some of my views on this board - I was starting to feel isolated.

WHAT?




So, the fact that your husband continues to screw a little on the side doesn't deter your plans. WOW. Well, goodie for you...but please, yours is NOT an example to be help up to BS.

:RollieEyes:







It sounds like submission to me. Next thing you know the three of you will be in bed together.

"So, the fact that your husband continues to screw a little on the side doesn't deter your plans. WOW. Well, goodie for you...but please, yours is NOT an example to be help up to BS."

Why be inflamatory - YOU have no idea what her H is doing. Why pass a DJ on to someone when you have NO clue?

"It sounds like submission to me. Next thing you know the three of you will be in bed together."

Another ridiculous comment.

It is comments like these that keep people like her from posting on this board, comments like these might actually drive people away from Marriage Building -

I think that too many people forget about the MB principles when there is an affair.

Why do the basic concepts of MBing have to be
tossed out the window when an affair is present? Why does there appear to be a double standard?

The double standard sort of in validates the standard. "Follow the advice of MBing as it will work - Except, do not follow the advice of MBing in certain circumstances" -

I am sure that this point has been discussed before so if there is a good thread then please post the link.

Could you elaborate please? I don't quite understand this statement.

I appreciate all the different opinions to my 1st post of Lies After D-Day. My situation is very serious now. He lied about so many important things to me the first few months after (my D-Day was March 2008) exposure. Now when I ask him the same questions there are different answers. Yes, it would be easy just to not ask anything and MOVE ON. And I know people who never wanted to know ANYTHING about the WS A.

I guess this is my problem.....there is a part of me that DOES NOT want to stay with him and may be looking for a reason not to so I try to catch him in lies. I didn't really realize it until last night.

The intentional, premeditated decisions he made to be with her for over one year makes me sick. He knew what he was doing day after day after day. It's a heck of a lot to forgive and move on.

And the crap about "She made me feel happy and alive" I can't get out of my head. WHO WANTS TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING SOMEONE ELSE FEEL HAPPY AND ALIVE - what a burden to carry everyday. A person is NOT supposed to depend on someone else in life to make them happy. Be happy because your alive and live in the U.S. and we are free.

A part of me looks at him now and the images of him and the OW I cannot get out of my head no matter WHAT I do. D would shatter my kids lives.

I resent the fact that he wants me to hurry up and heal. If he really cared, he would give me the time I need. And that includes sex. If the BS STILL has images of WS and OW in her head why would he want her to have sex with him. Because he's selfish.

I HAVE THE POWER.

:crosseyedcrazy:

Read her post again...I think you are missing some real issues.

If not, oh well...I will post as I see fit.

I have to agree with MoDaisy. I asked the same questions about their specific sex acts, and WW gave answers. My jaw dropped. OM is an experienced bad boy, and had her in all the positions, within all bodily orifices. Their sessions would continue often for 5 hours nonstop. My WW, it turns out is a natural in that department. According to WW, they both admitted to each other it was the best sex either have ever had.

Needless to say, this news was pretty traumatic for me for a while. When I would see WW nude, images would flash in my mind of the two of them screwing. It took a long time to learn to block those images out. Her stories also made me feel pretty inadequate for awhile, as well. So, be careful what you wish for.

The questions more important to me was when and how the affair ended. In my case, WW claimed A had just fizzled out. While she sent a NC letter, I still wanted to know the details of how it ended beforehand, just to assure myself that the ending wasn't temporary (as several prior attempts at ending it had been) and there was little chance of flairing up again.

Thank you MoDaisy for your support. And yes you are right....it is precisely comments like those from Med that kept me from posting.

He thinks I am just submitting...very wrong. Anyone that knows me knows that there is no boss in my marriage. Maybe that is why I am able to work through this better than some. Our equality is what makes me treat him like an adult rather than like a child.I never actually had an affair 15 years ago, but was pretty close. He knows me and recognized it before it went too far. He asked me basically the same questions I asked him, but even simpler. Do you love me? Are you staying? Obviously I do and obviously I did.

My marriage is not my be all, end all of my life. It is a very important part of who I am, but not what I base my entire life's happiness on. Too many people...women especially....build their entire lives around other people. Emotionally that is.

I have wanted to post so many times and say to many on here...time to pull up your big girl panties and move on! Although lack of self esteem is so many times attributed to the WS...when I see posts like "I want to die" "My life is over" I wonder who has the real self esteem issues. Like death and job loss and financial problems, an A is like a speed bump in life. You either go over it and continue down the road or you stop and someone comes up behind you and smashes you in the rear end.

I expected to be criticized...So no surprises. There is so much anger here that will be so unimportant one of these days. I applaud the ones that either get out and start new, or the ones that stick by their mate come hell or high water. But there really is no in between. Being another adult's babysitter is not the way I plan to live out the rest of my life.

Oh and btw Med...This forum is for everyone that has had experience to offer up their story. Telling me that my story or opinion is not appropriate to offer up to a BS is completely unfair. You have chosen your path and I have chosen mine. Whether anyone takes my thoughts to heart or not is their choice.

Hi LL,

I am sorry that I got us off topic from your post with my own story.

What I wanted to say to you is this...You do have every right to feel the way that you do. I think that everyone on this forum(except for the people that are not BS, but offer their opinions anyway) knows what you are feeling.

If you are having thoughts that you may not even want to give it a try, then you should definitely separate for a while.

My best friend is separated right now, not due to an A, but years of emotional abuse, and she is also waivering about even wanting to try. They are currently speaking only through a group of counseling couples at their church. This group is trying everything possible to push them back together without giving her time to heal or find out where she is emotionally. You MUST have that time if you need it.

Right now his lies are inconsequential until you decide whether you can truly recommit to the marriage and move on. Because yu will have to deal with the lies down the road if you decide to stay, but right now you might find that regardless of what you find out in the long run, you don't want to be in the marriage anymore. Everyone has a threshold....some are higher than others.

Please, please take some time to make sure that you can go back with an open heart and mind and that you truly love this person enough to commit to the pain that recovery will bring. It is not an easy road...trust me.

I must say noregrets your words....committing to the pain...ring loud in my ear. I know the pain is real and powerful, something I cannot escape weather I stay in or D. I want to have no regrets. Starting today, I am going to look after #1, which is myself for a while, take the time I need to really start the healing process and not worry about WH trying to hurry me. If he cannot deal with it, then that also speaks loud! Thank You.

Why am I here?

I want to learn how NOT to be a BS! Or a WS!

And I have a mind, and creative ideas, I like to put myself in other's shoes so I learn. If my advice is wrong, then people can ignore it.

Good for you LL! Sometimes it is all about looking out for #1. Happiness is something we all deserve, whatever road we take to get there...

You do have every right to be here Stella. I truly was asking the question without malice. Just simple curiousity.

Your opinion is just as valuable as anyone else's although I was told by Med that I shouldn't have offered up what I did to BS's...so I guess maybe my opinion is not as valuable as his.

It is wonderful that you are here to learn how not to become a BS or WS. Very forethoughtful and smart.

I will start another post (so that this thread remains on topic) entitled TO MicheleG

LynnLee,

I have read this entire thread and have read that you are now at a point of just wanting to look out for #1. But what concerns me is that I think you need to decide if looking out for #1 meands staying married or getting divorced. If it means staying married then you really need to keep in mind that some people aren't strong enough to live in hell day after day. In general men can't be happy if their wife is not happy. You mentioned in another post that it is not your responsibility to make your H happy. I think you are wrong. I think if you want to be happy then you need to make your H happy. You are right that your H make not be able to take it any longer and your M will be over. My MC said that the reason many marriages do not survive infidelity is because it takes an average of two years to recover and many people are not strong enough to last the two years. If you know your H is at his limits then give him a break.

I personally would not want to know such detailed questions as have been posted on this thread. I think it is important that the person who listed those questions is not a BS and until a person becomes a BS there is just no way to fully understand how it feels.

At about 6 months into my recovery I told my H I wanted him to be open and honest with me and he was and he told me that he just didn't know how much longer he could watch me cry. He told me that he just wasn't strong enough to remain in a marriage in which he could not make his wife happy. I know him well enough to know that this was truely him being honest with me. It was not a threat it was his honest feelings. My H begged me to believe that he loved me and to please focus on today. If I ignored his honesty about his feelings and kept focusing on the lies from when he was wayward I do not think we would be married today. Sure he lied, sure he doesn't remember the lies so his answers now are different, but is he still telling lies? I saw pure shock on my H's face when months into recovery I repeated to him some of the things he said to me at dday, he honestly did not remember saying them.

Try to give your H and yourself a break. Try to focus on today and take a break from all the A talk. Try to stop your thoughts when they go there. Look at your H's actions, his actions mean a lot more than words that you are unsure of.

I think that TTLIG and I are basically on the same page. Her statement...
My H begged me to believe that he loved me and to please focus on today. If I ignored his honesty about his feelings and kept focusing on the lies from when he was wayward I do not think we would be married today.

...says volumes about whether someone is going to stay in the marriage with you or not. Even if they love you.

In looking out for #1 the hope would be that it is just to have the time to evaluate your feelings. What TTLIG said with regard to making your H happy is also true, but only after you have had some time to get in the right place to recommit. And then of course he has the same responsibility.

So much of it is about respect. Not about due diligence in finding out the nasty details, monitoring his every move and questioning his every action.

It might be a very good thing that you didn't ask too many questions at the beginning LL. Look at the stories here of how many people still can't get past the details or actually divorced because of too many details.

No one is going to win in this situation per say....you both win if you can pull it all back together. It seems to me that there is too much advice geared toward winning. Beating out the OW/OM....beating the H/W at his/her game. Showing him/her who is in control now since they obviously can't control themselves.

Evaluate, cry, listen, love...in your own space until you can get your head on right. Then decide where you want to go from there.

Well you are BOTH right because. My H came home today to tell me he was moving out because he just cannot take it anymore. He said I was not getting any better and chances are I would not because I cannot let the anger go. He said he's doing it for ME to heal and get on with my life. He said he should have left on D-Day and I would have been further along by now. He said he knows he's responsible for all my pain and hurt but he just CANNOT TAKE IT anymore.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Do you believe what your H said about why he wants to leave?

I know that most will tell you that he is still in a fog and that he is using this excuse to get what he wants right now.

Being an optimist, and a believer in love, I would like to think that he is truly so pained by what he is witnessing that he is telling the truth. Of course it is a selfish way to handle it, but probably the best for all involved right now.

You need this time to sort through things. He may leave and it may be just what you need. Or he may leave and it may be the catalyst that helps you get ready to move beyond and past the anger and into the real healing. Truly...only time will tell.

If he is a true scoundrel...you will know soon enough. I would suggest that once he leaves that you go NC. Obviously if you have financial and childcare issues, you should find an intermediary. Settle into the roles of being without each other and see if they fit. You will both be able to make better decisions.

Good luck to you LL.

If I believe what some of the people on this board say I would already be divorced. There is so much pain and hurting going on here and so much vengeful thinking. I choose to believe that he is hurting and truly so sorry for what he has done. I also believe he loves me and the kids very much.

I ask him to stay, and to please refuse me when I ask any future details about the affair. YES, yes, yes, it's the DETAILS that keep me obsessed with the anger and rage. I do not need to know ANYMORE. It's for my own good. I am NEVER going to move on if I keep hearing about the past.

Every situation is different on this board, so I have to do what I think is best for me. Thank you both again!