I have been married for 17 years and together for 22. We have 3 children together. Happily married. Four years ago my spouce found a letter that I wrote, at age 17, prior to us getting together, about a sexual encounter I had. It was pretty explicit. I wrote the letter back then and I put it away in my "keepsake" box. It certainly wasn't for any one else to see or read. The letter was destroyed the evening it was discovered. Things have never been the same since and more so in the past 1.5 years. We fight constantly about this letter and sex. He feels he had been cheated on and that I must harbor feelings for this person because I chose to put the letter in the keepsake box and keep it. I don't deny that I wrote the letter or kept it. This is not the issue. The issue is weather or not I intentionally intended to keep such a grotesque letter and bring it into our marriage for some self serving purpose as he accuses me of. The keepsake box was not in hiding. He just decided to open it up one evening. He feels that I am in denial and try to defend why I had kept this letter for so many years. I never revisited the keepsake for the sake of rekindling these past feelings or wonder about "what if". He feels now that I just settled for him because I was unable to "land" this person I wrote about in the letter (or any of the other guys I had been with). I was 17 years old at the time. I was a stupid and inexperienced teenager! He brings up my past quite often these days as I had several sexual experiences prior to my spouce and I getting together. He says he feels he just doesn't compare now to the other men I had in my life (as a teenager). Our sex drives are very different and he equates sex/making love as my expression of love for him. His love language is physical contact. He strongly feels because of my past sexual experiences that this must be the reason for my low sex drive and sexual desire for HIM. Prior to getting married we did have a very sexual relationship and early on into our marriage. So the story goes...we had three children, our lives are busy, I am older and wiser now and know that sex does not equate love. I just do not have the need or desire for sex as I once did. I have not cheated on my husband nor do I do anything to evoke suspicion. However, he does not trust me and believes my days are consumed with my past relationships (as a teenager) and how my life must be miserable because I just settled for him. He questions phone calls that come into our house, why I took so long at the grocery store, he checks my e-mails, etc. My life is pretty much consumed with our young children. So, my question is this...did I cheat on my husband? And, what can I do to repair this damage I have caused to my spouce. I did nothing intentional to hurt him and I certainly do not have alterior motives. He has said he doesn't ever believe he can or will ever forgive me for bringing this letter into our marriage. He said it took alot of work just to come to terms with my sexual past and now he finds this letter. He feels our marriage is a lie and now questions every other little "off" things during our 17 years of marriage that were never given a second thought as an issue.

married 17 years
me 40
spouce 38
children 8,5,2

You did not cheat on your husband. Your husband is being unreasonable IMO. The letter is 2 decades old and I'm assuming you haven't seen this OP either. I don't understand why he would think that something a 17 girl wrote 20 yrs ago is doom and gloom for your marriage. Sounds like he has his own issue with low self esteem. Was he a virgin when you married and/or had no idea of what your sexual experience was when you met him? Is he very religious?

ohhhh, this is a tough one. No, you did not cheat but I can see where he would be hurt that you kept the letter.

I am sure you appologized for keeping the letter but it didn't resolve things in his mind. After 4 years he is still obsessing over it and that is a huge problem. It needs to be addressed ASAP. Do you think maybe it got swept under the rug because you have been so busy with the kids?

I can relate a little to what your DH is going through. My DH had a lot more sexual experiences than I did. I waited until we were married to have intercourse but I did have physical contact with a few boyfriends before I met him. He did have intercourse with several girls before meeting me. We had "the talk" about past BF/GF when we realized things were getting very serious. Funny thing about the past. For me, I am embarrassed that I gave into sexual desires and don't hold on to those memories. But when I thought of his past I questioned his thoughts about his past. Did he have regrets? Were they fond memories? I did talk to him about my fears about how he feels about his past and he stated they are in the past for a reason. It is what it is and it brought him to a place where he met me. They (past relationships) are not even in the same planet as me. That was almost 19 years ago and I know I don't give past BF's/GF's a second thought and neither does he.

Have you expressed how embarrassed you are for writing the letter? Have you talked to him about his past and how he feels about past GF? I know I am a world away from the person I was at 17. If I could talk to that girl now I would have a few choice words of wisdom for her. But then again that is part of growing up isn't it?

No, no, no. I never ever had any form of contact with this person after writing that letter. My husband was aware of my past prior to us getting married. I was his first and only sexual partner. He grew up in a very religious family and is in no way now a religious person. What is IMO?

married 17 years
me 40
spouce 38
children 8,5,2

How do you address this issue again and again? We talked about it four years ago and continue to do so. I regret that I did it and said I was sorry for upsetting our marriage. I cannot believe I would write such a letter. Why must we continue to re-visit this past issue. He cannot and will not forgive me as he has said this. I said that the past is the past and it is was it is. This makes me the person that I am today. Ooooooh, that makes him even more angry! He says that I simply try to defend myself and the real reason I kept the letter. Why does he feel soooo threatened. It is as if he wants me to convince me differently of my reasons about why I wrote it in the first place and why I kept the letter. He said it must have been important enough for me to write it and then to keep it in my keepsake box. He said I was selfish when I was 17 with the sexual encounters and how it might affect my future husband....HIM. This is 22 years later!
Someone, please defend my husband!

married 17 years
w (me) 40
h 38
children 8,5,2

IMO=In my opinion

I can understand him being somewhat hurt that you kept the letter because in his mind if it didn't mean anything then why would you keep it? Most spouses want to think they are the one and only or at least that no one else even came close to mean what they mean to you. I can understand his thinking to a degree but for him to be acting this way four years later and calling your M a lie is taking it too far. Have you done anything to reassure him that he is the one and only. Have you asked him what you can do that will make him believe you? It might seem silly that you should have to be the one to ask vs asking him to come up with anything that raises red flag, but you may want to indulge him if he's that obsessed over this. You can only do so much but it's a start. You shouldn't put up with this year after year because he can't get over it either.

I don't know how you will take this, so please don't be offended as I mean no offense. Is there any possibility that your husband has done something in the recent past (such as an affair of some sort) that would cause him to focus so heavily on your "perceived" infidelity? It may be way off in left field, but it seems to me he is really blowing this out of proportion for something that happened 20 years ago. Especially his suspicion of your phone calls, errands, etc.

Unless the letter was really that explicit and perhaps he feels jealous that you never wanted to do any of those things with him? Even if that is the case, his behavior seems over the top. I know you said you are older, wiser and that sex isn't everything, but for some people it is very important and one of their emotional needs. Is it possible that much of his frustration is because his emotional need for sex isn't being met and so when he saw the letter to another man which fulfilled his need, he felt intense jealousy? That could be why he views it as cheating-you have given something of yourself (albeit 20 some years ago) to another man that he never got, or got a different version of. If this is the case, he may not see the time as something that matters. The fact is, the letter made him see you as a more sexual being than perhaps you have been with him (or at least for some time) and to him, you keeping the letter means that you are still that person but you are not that person for him. Does that make sense?

Amanda, why would you keep the letter for 22 years?? That makes absolutely no sense to ME and I can understand his concern that he is not gettng the full truth. I suspect he is hanging onto this because he does not believe you are being honest about your feelings. I have that same feeling too.

So why did you keep this letter?

Are you all in marriage counseling? If this bothers him so much, then it's something that needs to be addressed. Although he has a right to feel the way he does in a sense, I don't think your letter is really the problem, but just the only way he seems to be able to express it.

The letter is the past, and I don't think keeping it means that you would do that again if you had the chance. I have old love letters and pics of old girlfriends. They aren't because I want the past to return or that it's better then the present, just that I want to remember who I was. I'm sure my wife has the same.

Have you read about emotional needs and love busters on this site? I think that would help. It seems sex is a big need for him, and perhaps isn't feeling loved because it's not the way he wants it? I just thinnk some communication will clear this up, but a good MC can help get to the real root of the problem.

This all misses the point entirely. Nothing here adequately explains WHY a woman would KEEP such a letter for 22 years. This all sounds dishonest. And when someone feels they are being lied to, they don't rest until they get the truth.

When I read your first post, the obvious question came to mind: WHY DID SHE KEEP THE LETTER FOR 22 YEARS. But you never answered that question. You emitted alot of irrelevancies instead, which sent up my RED FLAGS. I am sure he had the same reaction.

I don't think he needs counseling, I think he needs HONESTY. That is the problem. I would have this very reaction if I were him.

Does your husband hold grudges normally or is this a unique situation? Does his FOO (family of origin) hold grudges? Sorry I can't defend your husband because he is being irrational. If he will not forgive you that is his choice. You shouldn't beat yourself up over this. If it comes up again state how you feel and tell him if he can never forgive you then that is his choice.

Whenever I hold on to anger I remind myself of what my sweet 6 year old told her teacher last year (when she was just 5)

Her religious education teacher talked to the kids about holding onto anger. She told them holding on to anger is like carrying around a bunch of rocks. It does no one any good and you are always aware of the rocks you are carrying.

A few days later I went into her class to help out. Her teacher pulled me aside and told me what had happened earlier that day. There were 2 kids that acted up at PE and the PE teacher told my daughter's teacher. These 2 kids were a constant disipline problem. The teacher got angry and was repremanding the 2 kids. Later my Daughter came up to her while she was sitting at her desk. DD put her hand on the teacher's shoulder and said "Mrs. Wade, you know what my RE teacher told me? Holding on to anger is like holding on to a bunch of rocks." Then Mrs. Wade said "Do you think I should put the rocks down?" My daughter said "I think that would be best." Mrs. Wade gave her a huge hug.

Ahhh from the mouths of babes.....

How is she not being honest with him?

dkd, she has not been honest about why she kept the letter.

This is supposed to be an ANSWER? That does not explain why you kept the letter for 22 years. This non "answer" sounds CAGEY and is no answer.

Oh sheesh. I am one of those women, too. I hang onto everything. I have a huge bag from highschool from all of my "notes" that were passed in class, from friends, old boyfriends. I havent read a single one in a good 10 years, but I still have it. If my H came across a letter and acted like that, I would think he was off his rocker. If it was a letter about the man I slept with before we met and I kept it on purpose, to go back and remember - then yeah, he would have a right to be upset. I do not think this is what you were doing, however, and I personally think he is overreacting a LOT and persecuting your for something that happened when you were a CHILD.

What is her reason for keeping the letter? Does she really have to have any other reason then it's the past. When I got married, I didn't destroy every record of every other person I ever dated. Granted, I don't have any letter like the one described.

Perhaps if this was revealing about her nature, but I thought her H was already aware of her sexual past. If she had insisted on keeping it even though it bothered her H, but she destroyed it when requested.

I think this is more a symptom of not meeting each others needs more then anything else.

I would have a REAL PROBLEM with a spouse who hung onto an old love letter. And apparently he does too.

My question would be: WHY DID YOU HANG ONTO THIS LETTER FOR 22 YEARS?

I would need an honest and forthright answer to that question in order to be satisfied and I have not seen one here.

Telling him he needs to shut up and take it is not likely to satisfy him. It would not satisfy ME. I would simply want an answer that did not insult my intelligence.

I'm a pack rat as well and have all sorts of stuff including love letters I received from then-BF's. I also write letters that I never send and save these. If I come across them again later, I usually toss them but for the most part I forget about them. It's rather like journaling but without a journal. The fact that this letter is still in existance after 22 years tells me that it was forgotten about and, in essence, insignificant.

Disagree 200%! The man wants to know why she kept this love letter for 22 years. Its real simple: WHY DID YOU KEEP THE LETTER FOR 22 YEARS?