Hey there.

My problem is my hub I think is addicted to cyber sex. I caught him about 1.5 yrs ago, and we decided to work thru it, and he actually did work to rebuild trust etc.

Then, 2 before a cross country move to a place we knew I would have some culture shock with, I discover that he was STILL cybering. Of course, there was nothing to be done but move, but the move was very difficult given the stress on the relationship.

We've had numerous talks about his problem: at first he was all volunteering to go to marriange counselling or to restrict his computer from adult sites. Then, after we got here, we tried my giving him carte blanche - just share it with me, was the only condition. I thought we were making some progress.

Meanwhile, I am having problems adjusting to things unfamiliar to me, like giant bugs, and constant tornado warnings. We had a rough time with the remnants of gustuv and I spent a lot of time away from home in buildings I felt safer in.

Well, after days of being scared, he suddenly gets fed up with my adjustments problems and instead of trying to help me to feel safer in the wake of 600 tornado warnings, he decides I will "never" adjust, and he doesn't want to be married anymore. (we have only been here a month) He said he wanted to cyber the whole time I was away and is telling me that he stopped loving me "the right way" YEARS ago and he only now just got the "spine" to tell me.

Like, what? I swear hes been loving and caring and he really did put the effort in to try to rebuild trust the first time I caught him. Would he really do that if he didn't love me "properly"? I thought we were a team, and we made all these plans for our life together. Does ANYONE say "when I think of my future you are always in it" if they don't love someone "properly"?

I am telling him hes got a cybersex addiction problem because he gets really wigged out if you suggest he should give up his RPG website. He says today we cant go to a marriage counselor b.c they will make him give up his Internet and he knows it. He's saying, that if he has to choose between me and cyber, he's picking cyber and no longer even wants to repair the marriage. He wants to be "free" to "do his own thing" and wants to "have sex with someone else".

I guess out last convo was a sort of intervention, where I said he needs help, and I guess his anger and denial are par for the course but it still hurts really badly.

Should I just give this out? the problem is that my family i sin Canada, which could not be further from MS where we just moved. I think he needs to be away from me, but I have nowhere to go b/c we just got here and its all his family. I've told him to go away for a week to be sure, b/c I feel if I go back to canada that will be it.

Does anyone have any ideas? Thank you so much for any input.

Sorry for the double post, when I access it from the main forum page, its not there. I can only see this thread from the sidebar.

I've seen a lot of men here who have that problem - they just want to be a 12 year old again, with no one telling them what to do, no having to try to figure out how to please a woman, just getting their sex vicariously, and hang out with all the other guys. Basically, if you marry one of them, and you just replace his mother (i.e. take care of him), and let him do whatever he wants, he'll want to stay married to you. But if you try to get him to interact with you as equals, he's out the door.

Bottom line, they have to be willing to grow up and enjoy a marriage like a grown up.

Toss in an addiction, and you're against a brick wall. Addicts will literally do anything to keep from giving up their addiction.

If you're living near all his family, and you want to keep your marriage, you might consider going to talk to his parents or siblings. Tell them about the addiction and what it's done to your marriage. Ask them if they will help you deal with him.

I don't see any other way to handle this.

Lexa..

what are your issues with the cyber porn....

what is it that you don't like about it..

ark

Thank you for the replies.

As for the issue of cyber porn, I do not have an issue so long as I am not being lied to. When this first came up I gave him carte blanche to look at all the porn he wanted, even webcams, so long as I was around and aware, and preferably getting laid out of the deal also.

After the 1st catch, he never did follow through and neither did I , which I should have. This time around we actually did try it and found it fun. So it is not like I am not trying to work with him on this - I have, and it isn't good enough. He wants to do it -without- me.

I have come to realize there is a portion of himself that he is purposefully keeping from me, the portion that doesn't want to share the porn, or anything else. Further, he wants to have cybersex, chatting with other people to masturbate to, and I had to draw the line at interaction with another person.

So, of course, that is what he wants to do. I have offered to cyber with him myself, again, he seems to feel awkward sharing this side of himself with me, and doesn't want to do it. He wants to do it with strangers, marriage damned. Obviously this is some kind of intimacy problem, where he is unable to show me all of himself - he's even said he thought I might judge him, but honestly the guy's 1st experiences were with cows, and if I don't judge him for that, wtf, you know?

We are in a crisis situation right now. He was in a sort of "fight or flight" where he totally talked himself out of the marriage, where he decided he no longer loved me properly and just wants out of the marriage. Now we are in a kind of truce and carefully talking. I discovered a couple interesting things.

He seems to have had a bit of a stunted adolescence and wasn't one of those guy that had an easy time with girls as he is not traditionally attractive. His few previous relationships were totally dysfunctional and even abusive to him. He met them online (as he did me) and at least one of them would leave him at home babysitting while she ran off to the bar to cheat on him.

Yet, his "evidence" for why he doesn't love me "properly" is that he never had an urge to "cheat" or cyber in his disfunctional and abusive relationships, but he did want with me from the very beginning. I was ...WTF? I have always just loved him in a way these other women didn't and went out of my way to try to pump him up and feel valuable and sexy and manly to me.

Is it just me, but is this not a self esteem issue? He doesnt want to cheat on abusive SO, but he DOES want to cheat on the loving one?

He still says he "needs to sow wild oats" and he "wants to have sex with other people". He seems to think he can just go out and get laid, just like that, from girls he meets online. Hes not even realistic about his chances. Why would he want to anyway? what would he get out of it?

So, Is that it then? the 7 yr itch does us in b/c hes deluding himself into thinking the grass is greener? Is this something a lot of guys go through, is it something they can get over? idk, I sowed plenty of oats so I know we have chemistry and an extraordinary base of compatibility and friendship. Does he really have to blow it totally for both of us to figure this out for himself?

We've been married 5 yrs on sept 8. What a crappy anni this will be.

Oh and Ps can anyone tell me why I cant read any threads from the main board when I am logged in?

To answer I had to pull up a fav link while logged in, I just get an error otherwise.