Gdar, this is where Alanon helps. The truth is the truth whether H acknowledges it aloud or not.

Gdar, you're not alone. There are many here whose spuses deny, deny, deny. I encourage you to look up rltraveled threads. Or search on "polygraph", and I think you'll find a lot of relevant threads. Because that's what works with your situation. I'm glad you're over here, with the veterans. I have so much hope for you. It took some time to gather the stength to act on this and other things that you've known for some time. I'm very proud of you, and happy for your kids that they have you to defend your family.

((Gdar)))I am so sorry you are here. You have already been getting some very good advice but I just wanted to welcome you to MB.

My H also had an EA. When I discovered the phone calls and TMs, my H also tried to tell me it was just a "friendship". When I exposed it and any time we discussed it, I called it what it was: an emotional affair. And I stated that the relationship was a threat to our marriage. You do not need to argue these things with him but just state it as if it is fact regardless of his response.

That being said, your H's total denial of having any feelings for her despite your discovery of the poem and songs says to me that perhaps he desperately wants things to continue on the way they have been without any interference from you (he wants to continue seeing OW at work).

Please be aware that each time they have contact, it endangers your M...each time they have contact, it lessens your chances of having a successful R. This is not the same as other hardships you face in a M. A's are an addiction and continued contact allows the fantasy to flourish. My H once defogged fully agreed that he was addicted to OW and now tells me I saved him from himself by exposing and by having a NC boundary. You are taking a huge risk with him coninuing at his job...not only for your M but for your emotional well-being.

Lastly, I hope you will reconsider your exposure plan. You have some great people posting to you that can really help you get your exposure ducks in a row and a good exposure is the best tool you have for bursting your H and his OW's fantasy bubble...that's the most important thing you can do right now, over and above MC.

Good luck.

Thank you for the vote of confidence, Ears. You have always been a source of encouragement for me and I appreciate it.

So, update. Last night was our 1st counseling session.

We like our counselor - he will be a good fit for us. He is our age, has a calming nature, doesnt do all of the talking or make us talk - he guides us. Stops us if it gets off track, puts us back where we need to be. He remains focused. Gave us 2 small "homework projects" that are not lame or overwhelming.

Here is the thing, though. I didnt expose the EA. I didnt bring it up. I was planning on it, but that hour goes by WHIP fast!! I wanted to set the ground work for HOW we got to the place we are now - and that has been 2.5 solid years of a cycle we cant break. So, we dicussed the cycle and the issues surrounding what brought us to counseling BEFORE I even discovered the EA. My H was surprised I didnt bring it up, but I am comfortable with the work we did do, and it lays it out for the next session (in 5 days) to be about the EA.

It went well. He did NOT put on aires, he was real - he was himself. I could tell that the counselor really put him at ease and we both felt safe. We walked out much happier than we thought we would be. I can see it in his eyes, the remorse, the determination to make this right with us. I know he loves me. I know we both share a part in how we got to this place. We dont blame the other. He knows I will not accept his past behaviors and I will not let him off the hook. I told him exactly what I will be bringing up next Wednesday.

I have started my "good list", per the counselors request. I already have 3 things on it, just from last night and this morning alone. I really hope this gets us on the right path and we STAY the course.

Now, however, as safe as I felt at the appt, I still have the tug going on about the OW. A NC has not been established, and I now everyone disagrees with me here. I also believe not every situation is exactly the same and one move doesnt garner the same result for every single marriage. I also dont want to be in denial. Tonight is his high school's first football game, and he is working it (each sporting event has to have a principal on site). Since I know that the OW's schedule on Fridays is social - to be with teachers (and used to be my H until I stopped that) to hang out, I have it stuck in my head she might attend this game to see my husband. I have no idea if they have talked, or if she knows at all he will be there, but today is their "team" project, and they will be working together all day (ugh), so I am assuming it will come up, and she will learn he will be there. I am trying to secure a sitter for the kids and then "surprise" him by showing up. I am going to pretend (I hate lying by ommission, but I have to for my sanity here) that I missed him and just wanted to catch the game with him, so I got a sitter and went. If she is there, if she is ANYWHERE NEAR HIM, I will call her out. In front of everyone. I have this vision in my head, that I show up - she is sitting next to him and I tell her calmly "go home to YOUR husband and stay the [censored] away from mine". And then take my husband home and demand that he gets her moved to a new school, or I will have him leave our home (Plan B). I DO NOT WANT him to leave. I dont want him anywhere but by my side, but if I have to, I will do it.

Stella? You usually have some good advice. I know you might not be in a good space today, but I usually do appreciate your input. I hope all is well.

I am doing a search and getting either nothing, or an error...

Gdar, I just bumped her thread for you.

If It were me, I would go to the game also.

But I would also call the counselor privately if you want and tell them about your cheaterman.(I dont know if that is a good idea)

Get a polygraph "truth test" done on your husband at the very least and bring the results to counseling.

He needs a polygraph and maybe a PI following him. I dont trust your husband at all.

The counselor said he will let us know when we speak with him seperately, but that the two of us are "one" client.

I am not going to get a PI for the simple fact that unless he is at work, he is home. We only live 4 miles from his school and we usually talk the whole time he is in the car on the way home. He does not call her or text her, when he removed her from his phone like he promised he would back in May, he did. I check the records and there has been no contact via phone. I am sure he deleted any and all email exchanges between them, however. Its a school-issued Macbook. I do not ever have concerns that he isnt where he says he is. Before I exposed, I would check up on him when he said he had to go to work on a weekend (which is pretty common). He was there, she was not. I would drop by and surprise him with lunch, or whatever - and he was doing just as he said he was. Working. I have never caught him doing anything and lying about it. We really do spent all of our spare time together, so I do not believe the EA is still continuing.

I called and asked my mom to watch the kids so I could go to the game, but she has plans. Since she sat for us last night for our session, and will continue to sit for the rest, I didnt ask her to cancel her plans. The only other sitters we have are students of H, and he is the one that has their numbers. If I ask for their number, he will know I am trying to set up a sitter tonight - and I want to catch him off guard. I dont expect to find her at the game, to be honest, but I still want to check.

How about a neighbor, friends from church, or your kids' friends' parents? You need to line this up anyhow for some date nights.

Hubby is good at arranging date nights, and we always hire students we trust (that he has mentored), so he has their #s, I dont. I should, though - so I can surprise him with a date night instead of the other way around.

My best friend's son broke his leg yesterday - bad enough to need surgery, so she is tending to him. My other best friend is out of town. We dont know any of the neighbors well enough (but one, but they just had their 3 rd child and are busy themsleves, not to mention the H is the ex football coach of my H's school, so I dont want to give him a heads up, either).

I am thinking, I am thinking!!

ETA: I could take the baby in the front carrier, then that narrows down just needing a sitter for the 2.5 yr old. Taking her with is not an option. He would spot us coming a mile away, and give him enough time to move away from her if she is there, kwim?

If your mom knew what was up, would she take the 2 year old with her?

why do you have to make a big secret about going to the game?

I think you are continuing a bad pattern for your M, where you are planning to show up as a surprise, and you are planning to lie to him about "just showing up because you missed him". You know it is a lie, and yet you are planning to say it anyway.

If it were me - I would just tell him that you are planning to go, and you would like to sit with him. There is nothing wrong with going to support your H's school, and in fact I think that you need to find recreational activites like this two participate in.

and you can simply say something like:
1. I would like to go to the game tonight, and sit with you. I know you think I am being silly, but I would like to be sitting right next to you, if any woman get to thinking that they would like to get their hands on my H!!

Or

2. I would like to start doing things with you. I don't want to stay at home while you go out to social functions any more. I am planning to go to the football game tonight. where shall I meet you?

Do not ask him if it is ok for you to go. tell him you are going.


Just me, but I think it is best to be up front with him.

I also wonder if you could take your kids with you? I know the baby is awfully young, but I spent many years taking my own kids to football games. pack along a few toys. I would imagine that a lot of your H's students will help you entertain the kids.

She knows why I want to go. She told me she had plans already. Taking a 2.5 yr old with her wouldnt work (especially not that close to bed time). Maybe she will cancel and do it, but I dont know - so I need to get going on back up plan.

Its not a big plan, but her and her LOSER boyfriend go out to dinner every Fri night. I dont allow any of my kids around this guy - he isnt allowed in my home, isnt allowed anywhere NEAR me. They have been together for 16 years - my mom left my dad for him (dad is an alcoholic who never paid an ounce of attention to my mom or I). He proceeded to cheat on her for the first FIVE years they were together, and she always went back. Swindles her out of money, she always goes back. Mooched off of her, lives in her house when its convenient, and she always goes back.

So no, I wont put my 2.5 yr old in a position to be around that tool.

Wow, sorry. I totally unloaded. LOL

Oh, I completely agree with you, and have done this in the past. This isnt social for him, this is his night to "work" the game for discipline. Not a shock that he busts at least 5 kids a game for drinking/drug use.

I completely understand what you are saying, yes! We attend the local university games together every year - we have had season tickets for our entire relationship. We do those together socially.

This, however - for my peace of mind. I need to show up and surprise him and NOT see this woman sitting by him. I need that. I dont feel that she will be there, but because of the poem I found (that is 5 months old), I still have a small voice in my head saying that she will make her way to this game to be with him (she pursued him).

I was having this issue, too. I don't think ANY situation benefits from being dishonest, even for reasons such as this. Well, I take that back. I believe in hiring a PI and not telling him. But I don't believe in actually saying a lie about why you're showing up. It only puts you in shade territory, too.

Understood. BTDT. Explains a lot, btw.

Hmmm, what if its half a lie? LOL I DO want to see him and spend time with him at the game! I think hiring a PI is lying by ommission, so I dont see the difference.

About what?

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean it in a mean way. I mean the way our moms chose men who don't respect us helps me understand why we picked men that wouldn't respect us. Not when we got them, anyhow. Good thing there is a plan here to recreate that mutual love and respect where we lost it before. I think you'll correct me if I'm wrong about you. But my H didn't expect to have to negotiate a win-win, expected me to go along even when he knew I didn't want to.