Thank you for all the great information and clarifying the Exposure. Will be learning more as I read the book.

That information was really good. Thanks again. Someone tell me, about detachment and how its accomplished.

I am not sure what you mean by detachment.
Are you talking about you , detaching from him?

It might have been to another forum I browsed. I read a few posts and they talked about detachment, I think it was emotional, I'm assuming for emotional survival. I try to detach myself emotionally but it's so darn hard. My head is swirling in the "why's??" and all the pictures of them living together. It's really hard and probably sounds lame.

Trying,

First off, to you. Some of your comments very much concern me as to the safety of yourself and your children. You dismiss him throwing a chair or punching a wall as not abusive. Frightening your family with such behavior is abusive in my book. I don't know if that behavior is common or was a one time thing, but that combined with his anger and drinking would make me very hesitant to have him in the house especially since you have children.

Putting that aside, if he wants to see his kids and they want to see their dad, fine. But lay down the law that you aren't going to put up with him making fun of you in front of your kids in your own home no less. That's just F-ed up.

Sounds like he is POed that you weren't begging and pleading for him to come home and that his friends have pretty much written him off in light of his decisions. Hopefully that will work in your favor to knock some sense into him because he obviously expected all sorts of drama. Stay strong. Is he open to any sort of counseling or is everything still your fault?

NO he is not open to counseling, he says don't try to Dr. Phil him. HE admitted to my daughter a few weeks ago when she confronted him that he made wrong decisions and things are his fault but when he emails me things are my fault, especially in the financial area. Since this whole thing started he ended up getting demoted at work since his sales were low so our finances took a big hit plus he takes money for himself. I can't figure out why he is so angry if this is what he wanted and he's so darn happy. Yes most friends dropped him off the earth and he made comments to daughter that none of his friends call him. Duh they are here supporting your family. I heard he has reached out to contact a few mutual friends from church. Don't know how to take that. I did tell him about 3 weeks ago that he can no longer visit the kids here because I feel like he is putting me under a microscope and what he says to the kids so he agreed. Its just strange the things he says and does now. Total opposite of the guy I was married to.

Counselling is a waste of time with an active wayward. He is angry because the "whole world" is against him by not bending over backwards to support him and his OW. Since you are his wife, it obviously must be you who convinced everyone to turn on him so of course it's your fault!

Sweetie, this is typical wayward crap. They ALL act this way. There's nothing you can do to control it. You can only control your own actions. I know it's easier said than done. Study the plans, figure out where you are and where you want to be and how you can use MB principals in your situation. They will help you. They could save your M as well, but they will help YOU for sure.

It will be interesting to see what sort of response he gets from the church friends should you be privy to that info. I think deep down he knows he messed up royally and is angry that his life sucks right now (in his eyes) and people aren't giving him the kind of attention he is looking for or validating his actions. He can't control you, he can't control his job, he can't control his friends. The only person who is perhaps showing him any sort "caring" is the OW and she has no standards. He's miserable with her. The fog may thin out soon if he realizes he still has the same "problems" he had living at her house and now has to deal with the OW's baggage as well.

It sounds to me like you have good instincts. To detach is to preserve the love/relationship you had. As you know by now- your WH is acting like he's on drugs and MOST of the contact you have now will be negative. You do not want to tear things up worse, you want to preserve his relationship with kids (well- I mean you don't want to make it worse if you can help it) His relationship with them is out of your control- but as their mom you want the best for them in the long run.

So plan B is a good way to give yourself time to regroup.
I don't know if you can plan A with a WS who is living with OW. I think there are a lot of signs that show your WS is confused- he just may need time to realize what he will loose if he continues.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU. Please keep reading- try not to "tear him up" at this time- it will only tear you up. I will pray for you.
BC

I never tear him up though he tears me up. I have told him I forgive him and do not judge him. I make no contact unless its financial and wish I didn't have to do that. I try to go as long as possible with out contact. Now that my 9 year old son wants to visit with him I may have to see him a lot more as my son is in football. I really don't want to but do not want to miss my son's game. Since this whole thing anytime I have seen him I get so extremely nervous in my own skin. It's crazy. I don't even know how to act or what to say or to even say hello. Any advice on what to do to if we see each other at son's game? I'd really like to avoid him because he's not the man I knew, he seems crazy.

I never tear him up though he tears me up. I have told him I forgive him and do not judge him. I make no contact unless its financial and wish I didn't have to do that. I try to go as long as possible with out contact. Now that my 9 year old son wants to visit with him I may have to see him a lot more as my son is in football. I really don't want to but do not want to miss my son's game. Since this whole thing anytime I have seen him I get so extremely nervous in my own skin. It's crazy. I don't even know how to act or what to say or to even say hello. Any advice on what to do to if we see each other at son's game? I'd really like to avoid him because he's not the man I knew, he seems crazy.

I tried to the get book a few days ago and its sold out-i guess that's a good and bad thing- so I have to go into a neighboring city today they have one on hold for me.

I've been reading up on the forums about Plan B. Can you still have a Plan B when they have moved in with the OW and are really angry, blame you for everything and have mentioned nothing about ever wanting to come back home or even wanting their marriage? I mean moving in with OW kinda says I don't want you or the marriage correct??

Hello Trying,

You said


I just want you to know that my WH moved in with OW July 07, I continued Plan A til Christmas then gave him my Plan B letter. WH ended the A July 08 and came home the beginning of Aug.

It took a lot longer than I would have liked but moving in with the OW doesn't have to mean that he is never coming home.

I'm only in the beginning of R and WH (hasn't earned the F yet!lol) is still going thru W. But he is home, he is accountable and has agreed NC, he is still a little reticent about the MB principles tho.

I just wanted you to not give up hope yet!



Tarnsy

T2L, I played baseball in the same league as WstbxH for the last 2 summers. Last summer OW came to the games but stayed away from the diamonds. They spoke to each other on cell phones even though they were within shouting distance . This year she came right up to the diamonds and sat on his bench.

I simply avoided them as best as I could. I didn't go near his bench this year, even though he was playing with a lot of my teammates from last year. He was not exactly cooperative - he (and she) made excuses to come near my bench occassionally. Towards the end of the season, they started getting a little bolder and started parking near my car - once right next to it. A few of my teammates regularly tailgate after the games and Wstbx and OW started lingering around later (one couple in our tailgate party works with them and I believe OW was trying to foster a friendship with her since they each lost so many friends and family due to the adultery). For the most part I held my ground though I did mess up big time on banquet night (for details see my thread in Divorced).

Anyway, it was very difficult in the beginning - I almost quit the league several times. But everybody there was very supportive of me. They all knew what happened. WstbxH tried to tell people we "grew apart" and "just broke up" but I managed to get the truth out there. The entire league knows who OW is and what she did and people would warn me on my way to the diamonds from the car that the "tramp" was here today (that's not the word I used to describe her - rather a nickname the league gave her). I did get used to it (except that last night which was just too much for me).

Go to your sons games. Tell the other parents why you aren't sitting with or speaking to your WH. Point out OW when he brings her with him. Let the gossip fly about her for a change. You will be amazed at how wonderful people are to you.

Ok I will. I also invited his family(who do not condone what he has done) and all of our church friends as well.

So are you saying I should let the church friends know too? Some of them already do but some do not. If he finds out I let ALL of them know he is gonna be really mad.

When he found out I told several of our church friends at the start of this mess he mocked me and said don't you feel stupid and embarrassed? I just said no why should I didn't do anything wrong.

When it first happened to me, I was embarrassed as well. But I was so messed up, distraught and disfunctional, I HAD to tell people. Once I started to tell, it really was easy. In fact, I almost wish I sent an email to my entire company and put a notice on the bulletin board. Not only were people supportive and helpful, they reached out to me and showed me levels of kindness I didn't know existed. There was very little gossip about my Wstbx's A because everyone knew the truth from the source - ME. It didn't take long for them to realize I WAS approachable and I would tell them straight up what happened. Wstbx's lies became more and more apparent to all. The only exception was his mother who he had begun spinning tales to long before D-day. Do you know I received Christmas cards from overseas relatives who she talks to weekly addressed to both of us??? She even visited them in October but was too ashamed to tell them what happend - because she's afraid to admit that he's lying and I'm not.

Yes he was angry. Yes, he tried to threaten me with embarrassment. And I was afraid of embarrassment, but once I realized just how great people were - it was no longer embarrassing for me but for him. It has put a tremendous strain on his and OW's relationship, which I can see even from the distance of my Plan B.

You have done nothing wrong and your friends will see this immediately. Anyone who doesn't see it has questionable morals and perhaps shouldn't be counted among your friends. You will be astonished at how many true friends you really have. Tell them. Invite them to the games. Enjoy. Let him sit off to the side with or without his OW and wallow in his own embarrassment and shame. Part of Plan A is to NOT protect your WS from the consequences of his actions.

That's funny! Because once I started exposing and popped that giant, ugly pimple-lanced the boil-blew the coop...I was ready to be the "town crier" and tell everyone!! Ha ha!! The vet, the post office, the clerk in the convenience store, the bum working the corner...

It wasn't MY ugly secret!! I had nothing to be ashamed of!! I was FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! It was FANTASTIC!!!!!

Now it's a bit calmer and I just matter-of-factly give a summary. I might give a longer version depending on who it is. There have been some instances when the person I was telling said something about revenge and I just said, no. Revenge had nothing to do with it. OWH had a right to know so he could try to save his marriage if that's what he wanted to do.

Charlotte

Thanks for the encouragement and I'm really glad reconciliation has started for you.

So your H lived with OW for a year? How did you handle that? I haven't formally done the Plan B yet. We hardly have any contact at all especially since the kids haven't wanted to see him.

How was contact for you when he lived with OW?

I just wanted to let you know that my FWH also moved in with OW. We were separated for about 5 months and during that time he lived with OW for the about a month. I actually think him moving in with OW caused the A to end faster. He got to see the reality of who she was instead of the fantasy he had in his head. He hated living in her apartment in a bad neighborhood with her kids. That experience helped make him be way more appreciative of our nice house and our darling little girl.

Oh wow. Thank you for sharing.

I sure hope that happens with me, but my husband is very stubborn and prideful-but he says that's what I act like. I try and do a self accountability to be sure that if I am I can adjust. But the more I listen to him, everything he accuses me of he actually is guilty of. Is that normal for Walk Away Spouses?

Anyways I'm not even sure if he ever gets to a place of regret he could overcome his pride and come home. He's so stubborn. A month after he moved out I saw him and he said if you want your marriage why aren't you begging me and I said I already did that after you revealed and for the 2 weeks you were here at home you rubbed it in my face and said you were here for guilt and I don't love you anymore. He wants me to beg but I just don't know that his pride could let him back. Plus at this point he hates me and is very angry. I don't know why but he does.

My H also left a beautiful house to live with OW in an apt with her son-which he doesn't really like anyone's kids but his own. Everyone says maybe this could be a good thing so reality can hit him. I hope. Your story greatly encouraged me. Anything you think could help me feel free to post.