Ok well I havent gone into great details about my OC. Back in Aug of 99 a beautiful baby girl came into this world from my A. I had given her up for adoption.

Its an open adoption I can call whenever I want to,send things, etc. The adoptive mother has kept me up to date with OC such as school, surgeries, etc... Today is her birthday. *Happy birthday baby girl* I worked early today and came home to nap. I woke up where I thought it would be to late to call and tell her happy birthday.

As DH and I were talking about it, the phone rings. Its the adoptive mom. Of coarse baby girl is suppose to be asleep.She said she tried calling me a few weeks back but I did get the message. She called to tell me that she told baby girl that she was adopted and who I was.

Im greatful its finally out there but in the same sense scared. Does that make sense?

I told the adoptive mom that I am glad she knows and it wont change who I am or anything else. And per my request at this time if baby girl wants to know about her birthfather to use DH as the source. I do not want baby girl to even know OM even though I know one day she will. Am I wrong?

It touched my heart when adoptive mom said that baby girl rec'd the card, necklace and gift card we sent. When baby girl put on the necklace and people asked who gave it to her she told them my birthmother did.

Baby girl got on the phone for a moment and told me thank you. I told her I hoped she liked it. She went on to tell me about school and so much wanted to tell her I love her. I didnt. I didnt even ask if she knew who I was. I have been known to her as an Aunt. Now Im known as her birthmother.

WOW!

(((APF & RMX)))

Hi Pretty Face; happy birthday to your little girl. It must be very difficult for you on special occasions.

Regarding your question; I think the matter about your daughter's birthfather can probably wait until later, but when and if she wants to know, I think it would be better to be honest about his identity. Otherwise, to say that your DH is her natural father implies that you are/were an intact family who chose to give her up for adoption.

I'm sure she's very happy with her adoptive family but I imagine it's a complicated, sad situation to be in.
TT

Reasons for not telling her who her B dad is, when the time comes?

Eventually as a child becomes old they will not accept facts without questions. As she did now that you were an aunt, now B mom.

The OM is not one I am proud to say is a B father when he told me to abort her. He didnt show interest at all in the pregnancy. He didnt tell anyone I was expecting. The OM, in my eyes, does not deserve to know anything about OC. OM doesnt to this day know about her except it was a baby girl born in August.


The state stood in his place to relinquish his rights. If he was concerned even an ounce he would have stood up and fought for her *which Im glad he didnt*. I will share if she asks who her real B father is. But till then I do not plan on sharing that information with her. I will not hide how she came into the picture nor my wrongs I have done in my life.

I plan to build a relationship with her based on truth and no lies. But I will stress to her who was there about 3wks into the pregnancy and who stood by me while I was sick and needed meds. Sure wasnt the OM. And as to why I view DH as her B father.

I agree with your position. I can see in your case that if D never asks, then I would consider never telling her.

PF,

As an OC I think my opinions will differ, my circumstances are not identical with DD though similar.

My biological Mother adopted me out of my first family when I was 18 months old, the intent being as others have told me to save the marriage. When my Mother died she asked for me but the request was blocked, so I never got to see her as a sapient being.

I had to find and meet my biological father and did, the biological father is the childs maker and that is a fact. He was a pious man and owned up to very little preferring to be thought of as a saint in his ethnic community, but I did know the truth about him rather than some lie my adoptive mother told me.

The truth about my origins was on the tip of my Adoptive Mothers toungh for her entire life btw, until she told me many years later.

At the very least you have to provide the child with a photograph of OM should the OM die prematurely. This is only in the case where the child wants to know. Please collect this information even if the OM is too irresponsible to do so, medical information too.

A persons life is incomplete without meeting their parents. I also met my Mothers people, six sibling, aunts, uncles and etc. Again these are real people. My biological father would give no information on his family, but I am tracking them down now.

My adoptive parents were great, their families were good, but even with all that said there is an element of fiction in our relationship. Not really sure what my last name should be.

The OC will also be half sibling with whoever the OMs children, again this is a real reationship. My biological father may have done the same thing with another woman in the area and there is a woman who might be my half-sister. I have said nothing to her, but her Aunt nearly fainted when I mentioned who my father was.

Children deserve the truth, not immediately, but ultimately, sorry if this is alot to process.

NewJersey

I hear what you are saying newjersey but I will not get a picture of OM. I do not want anything of his around me. I will not break contact just to get a picture of him for baby girl.

But when the time comes DH and I will give what info we do have on OM to OC. ONLY when shes ready. If she wants to seek him out then she can, but I will not be apart of that travel.

PF,

In my case I have a non-biological adoptive brother who wanted to know nothing and that might also be the case with your OC. I on the other hand needed to know EVERYTHING and persued that end like the character Chillingworth in the novel the Scarlett letter.

I do understand your need for no contact, and I doubt my biological Mother would have taken me to see the good doctor either. However it sounds like you are the only responsible person left and the only one able to create the documentation needed.

I would suggest that you write down all that you know now for your OC to read at some later date, possibly making copies for the adoptive family to hold. My bio-Mother left information with my adoptive family, found only after their death.

Also did you provision a financial settlement from the OM for the OC? If invested, this step may represent the difference between a college education or not, between a good college or a community college.

Newjersey

Well ahead on that one When baby girl was born I wrote everything I knew of the OM and gave it to the adoptive family. I told them when they feel shes ready that she has had to info on OM all this time.


The OM couldnt keep a job let alone pay bills so I doubt that would be any help in baby girls life. I am not worried about her education or health at all. She very very happy and I couldnt ask for more from a great adoptive mother she has.

Baby girl knows of her half sister and brothers. My fear is that she will in future ask why I didnt keep her and yet have two younger siblings. Its probally been a month and she hasnt had any questions that adoptive mom couldnt answer. But then again shes only 9 yr old and it probally wont hit her till later on with the flooding of questions.

PF,

Just read your DH's posts, sorry I was under the false impression he was much less of a loser. I see that his loserness is an objective fact.

So I would say you have done more than enough, actually you created life from ugliness and provided someone with a child they really want unconditionally.

I hope at some time in the future the OM does humanize, no matter how unlikely, so OC will have someone she can want to acknowledge. It was a great satisfaction in my life to rediscover my biological families.

I also think your decision to adopt out was a wise one, I think it helped in my case, and despite the difficulties resulted in a better life for me.

My bio-Mother always told my siblings that I had "gone to a better place", I disappeared when they were all at school. How do your COM feel about OC?

Newjersey

They know who she is and we have pictures of her. They know she lives out of state as well.

DH and I do not hide what we have done in the past around the children and talk openly about the past so I am sure the oldest knows of how baby girl came into the picture. The other two kids are to young to understand how baby girl came in this world.

Loser is a understatement NJ, Mogrod just pulled POS-OM's background for me. 14 Pages of criminal charges.

Domestic Abuse
Domestic Abuse
Burglary
Resisting Arrest
Protective Order violation
Felony Assault
Attempted Burglary
Possesion
Burglary

He's been granted probation over and over and he's kept having it revoked.

He was sentenced to 2 years in state prison in jan/2008.

If DD(OC) wants to meet her bio-dad, it'll be supervised visitation, I don't care if its when shes a minor or a adult. I will protect her from this scum. Shes probably the only good thing he's accomplished in life.

Sounds like he's made all the wrong decisions since 1998

He is a F^&#'ing loser!!!

Thank god my wife told him to goto H3LL when he called her up 8 years ago, otherwise one of us or our kids could have been hurt by such a insane scumbag.


So MEDC, why hand out deferred adjudication for a domestic abuse charge? I don't get that at all!!

Oh, I'm sorry, he's violated a RO/Protective Order 2 times not once.

RMX,

Sorry to hear all that, you are a stand up guy to care for you wife after such a horrid choice. As for me as an OC I feel for the OC not having a biological father worth mentioning and without redeeming value of any kind. We can only hope he finds GOD in prison, or I hate say............

Meeting my biological father did provide me with a meaningful chapter in my life, to the extent he was truthful. Not sure what is there for OC in her BFs story, perhaps his relatives, but they might suck too.

Not sure when it would be right to tell OC, since nowadays people take a perverse pride in being degenerate and having syndromes and problems, and she might look up his story as a model for her life.

God Bless
NJ

I didn't understand the last part about his life being a model for hers? I don't think she'd even want to meet him when she knows he was pushing for a appointment at the abortion clinic.

RMX,

Didn't make it clear. I've noticed that some younger people today admire degeneracy and stupidity, even the term pimp has taken on a positive connotation. In that context, unfortunately, OC might see her scum bag biological father as a heroic or admirable figure.

So I would agree do all you can to cast aspersions upon his memory.

NJ

I told the adoptive mother about OM's doings and told her how I felt about that. How I do not know baby girl to know who her birthfather is atleast not at this moment. We both agreed that its best to wait off till she understands that people do wrong things and are not the best people. Till then I requested that any reference that she needs as to who her bio family is to share DH with her and her sister and brothers.

I also talked to her yesterday. I love hearing her talk and I honestly ache to see her. But that will come into place one day. I know.