I am familiar with it. It certainly beats "anger management" classes which are woefully useless.

Programs generally have at best a 50% success rate. I am skeptical about the utility of these programs as many people that were supposedly "recovered" merely learned to suppress the behaviors...that is until they blow.

JAIL is a great response...and it is 100% effective for the time of incarceration.

I would suggest that if your dad is as smart as you claim he is, it will be tough to find a program to suit his needs. Your mom will be abused as long as she tolerates his behavior.


Talk to the people at the shelter for a program in your area. It should run at least 24 weeks. Short programs do not work at all. I would suggest that your mom needs a program as well...that will yield the best results! She can learn to not take this crapp from him. He is, despite his intellect, a very weak man that is likely scared to death of her leaving him. He most likely will also respond pretty well to a concerted effort from his children.

If you wish to share your geographical area, I will happily look over the option available and give you my opinion.

This might be helpful.

http://www.libraryindex.com/pages/2066/Treatment-Male-Batterers-RECIDIVISM-RATES.html

MEDC, thank you. I quickly skimmed the link you provided, I will print it out to read it more carefully.

I found the Emerge website, which is located in Massachusetts. I was hoping it would be a nationwide program with a chapter where I live (which is Minnesota), but unfortunately it is not. the booked I have been reading (Why Does He Do That) was written by a former director of this agency.

My dad is indeed intelligent, but what makes him so difficult is his cunning and manipulative skills. Many have found him to be difficult to argue with or have a political or philosophical discussion as he is able to twist words and arguments better than most. That's why I do agree, finding him the right program or counselor will be so important, if we can get him to agree to some kind of treatmnet. He won't be willing to go to a typical batterer's program - he will feel above what he will view as the stereo-typical "wife-beater".

I believe he intellectual knows what he is doing is wrong, but he can't help himself. I also agree, anger management isn't going to help him - he doesn't have a problem with anger. He's very controlling - he wants to control everything around him - I know as he's gotten older and has retired he feels a loss of control over many areas in his life, I think that's why his control over my Mom has increased. Its at least something he can control.

I am continuing my search for resources in my area - found several shelters for women which of course is a good resource for me and my sister and my Mom, still looking for programs or counselors for him (took a break from that search to check back here. Good thing its not a busy day at work!). My sister will know a lot, too, working from within the system.

You know, this situation seems so unique and yet so not. You always think your situation is difficult - just like the situations with infidelity and adultery, right? And then you read about others going through it and you realize your not. I just want to do the best I can to help them - both of them - if they are willing. And we'll deal the best we can.

Thanks for bearing with me through my long posts - I know I write a lot.

Check for recources at any local universities...

as well as any local hospital that has a high risk labor and delivery unit...

both places with have tons of information on available resources...

that is another option
does she have a new medical doctor in the area...

if not you could research for one that is a high advocate of reconizing..treating...and intervention...

you and your sister could take her there...and tell the doctor what you know right in front of your mom....

you can also get her a secret cell phone so that she can always call someone for help...

ark

www.mcbw.org

This site looks like it has a great deal of information to help you.


If there are any issues that you wish to communicate about off the board, my email address is attached to my profile.

Thanks everyone!

Catperson - I appreciate your point of view and the insights into her thought processes.

Ark and MEDC- I will look into those resources. I do so appreciate the help! I'm off to look at that website...

LaMariposa,

Read on in that book and get your mother to read it. Towards the end, the author explains that a man is more likely to change if the woman is willing to leave.

Your mother's best hope for getting him to change is a willingness to leave. Any attempt at confrontation is a focus at getting him to change. What she needs to decide is he is treating her well or he isn't going to be with her because she will leave.

If I was 70 and married as long as she has been, it would be hard to face divorce. Let her consider separating for a minimum period of time that she decides ahead of time and telling her husband that.

I hope medc isn't too upset with my posting here because I'm all in favor of separation when there is escalation. Punching a wall is the type of stuff that preceeds punching an arm.

Cherished

That website was very helpful. I will give them a call tonight after work or tomorrow. I am also meeting with my sister for breakfast tomorrow to set a plan of action.

Thanks again everyone - I'll give an update on the plan after tomorrow morning - would love to get input.

LaMariposa,

I've been in an abusive relationship.

It's very unlikely that your mom would leave your dad. Not after this long. She has covered up for him for years, out of embarrasment, shame, humiliation, fear, and his control over her.

She believes he is the best she can do. She fears that a divorce or separation would turn the only world she knows completely upside down, that people would judge her, that her children would not understand, that her friends would "know", that

he needs her.



The biggest reason is that he needs her.


And, whether or not anyone understands this,

she loves him.



See, he needs her, and she loves him, she's been taking care of him after his blow-ups for so long............well......he needs her and she sees that underneath there


is a man that others don't see.


He really does want to be different.

And he promises to change. But there are stresses in life, and he doesn't feel well, and things make it hard for him.

And she buys each and every excuse.


She is now there for so long that, well, it is what she knows as "her life".




I was only "in" for 3 years. And it was what I "knew". It was only by a quirk of fate, a chance opening, and literally

a run for it

that set me free.


I ran.


I had no idea that where I was going was safe, and that the arms I ran to were strong or weak. I just ran.

Thank GOD He led me there, and shone His light in the direction He did that night.

He led me to my husband.


I ran.



Only, over the years, I know of only


one other


who also ran.



SB