I'm in the midst of a break-up of a long term and very good relationship that was leading (we both thought) to marriage. I realize this isn't a coping/break-up/relationship forum, but I'd like to learn a little about the marriage-aspect and possible cause of our problems.

A brief background, her: my GF was married for quite a long time and married young. There were some very real problems in the relationship between her H and her family, and some issues about how she was treated throughout the relationship. Although she did everything she could to work things out the ending was pretty bad and very spiteful.

A background of us: we were friends for 10 months before we started dating and discovered we loved each other. It was the kind of relationship where everything seemed to just fit into place the way it should. Our relationship lasted four years without ever having any real argument or fight, never really even any raised voices.

Last year we knew things were serious and had to take the "next step". I was on the verge of proposing when she decided to break up. It wasn't for any particular reason I can cite (except perhaps things were getting really serious and she wasn't sure what she wanted). That period was as devastating for her as it was for me.

After sitting down and really talking things over - actually "communicating" - we reconciled and got back together cautiously. It wasn't long before things were better than ever, and a few months later the subject of marriage started to become a daily topic (I already decided to let her make that move when she was ready, I didn't want to push her).

Three months ago I got a long and beautiful note from her detailing her feelings. Among lots of words of love she said she was so happy we'd stayed together and, more to the point she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

For one reason or another it took nearly a month before we could have any kind of serious talk about actually getting married and any plans. I was still saving and shopping for a ring so I never did a real "proposal". Still, I can honestly say I can't imagine anyone being more happy than she and I, and it was very clear what she wanted out of the relationship at that point.

Another month went by and out of the blue she breaks up with me again. I got the "I don't think I'm ready" speech, followed by "I don't think my feelings are strong enough" and, "I've been kidding myself". There was a lot of other talk but it all leads back to the same thing with different words. It's another tearful break-up.

I'd like to think I know her pretty well. She can be stubborn sometimes but it is not her nature to say the things she'd said for so long with such intensity just for effect. It seems so unlikely that over the course of a month she went from the feeling of unending love, the want for a permanent marriage, and so many other things - to just walking away the way she did. I don't want to sound presumptuous but it's almost as if (last time and now) when things couldn't be better something bad might happen, so let's just quit.

Except for the one face to face "break up" confrontation I've only been able to speak to her once on the phone. During that conversation I picked up on something that really bothered me; I mentioned that "...we've never even fought about anything, things are so good..." She latched onto that immediately and blurted out "but you don't know we won't!"

My point: I don't think her feelings before or after this break-up were dishonest, but something happened when the reality of getting what she'd been wanting actually was coming true. Are there any opinions about whether this may be a massive case of "cold feet", or her past badly influencing what she feels now?

I do realize there could be any number of things going on here and I may never know more than what she's already said, but I'm trying to learn about this.

Thoughts?

What is her family history? What kind of relationships did she have with her parents? Any unusual events in her life?

She is scared.. Reassure her that you will be with her through the scarey parts.

Hey, Gordo...welcome to Marriage Builders.

I see two things...

One, that your beloved chooses her life from her feelings at the moment. Not a great sign, Gordo. See, we get loving feelings after we act lovingly...not in the reverse. And we can act from love even when we don't have loving feelings at the moment.

Which is why, when you take the plunge, make those vows to yourself, you say, "I know I love you because I choose to" even when you don't feel it. Feelings come back.

She reacts to her fear of intimacy and commitment...hence, reacting to her feelings. This is a recipe for a turbulent marriage...she'll treat you based on how she feels in the moment...not hold herself to acting from her own code and then seeing how her feelings follow.

Second, we all swing between two major fears---fear of intimacy (fear of losing our selves)(intimacy is knowing and being known for who we really are); and fear of abandonment. Seems to me, you can actually feel her swing between the two...her fear of marriage (committing to a lifetime of intimacy) goes up, so her loving feelings go down for that moment...then you back off, and her fear falls a great bit...pulled more toward fear of abandonment (she doesn't want to lose you, either).

You're sensitive to the swing--sounds to me like you get how to act from your convictions and your feelings follow. Remember this to consider changing your perspective about conflict...which isn't fighting...conflict connects, as well...and is often needed in relationships where one partner is frozen on the fear of intimacy side...respectful conflict can be the only way to break out of it.

LA

She lost her father when she was pretty young. Her mother is in fair health, but she does have to take care of her from time to time. Other than that she comes from a big family, and they're all very close.

Interesting perspective, all of it. Thanks.

I had a long talk with her quite awhile ago about her past. I heard about it from a family member too. Whatever fighting and arguments took place between she and her ex seemed to end with a "if you don't like it get a divorce" attitude. She lived with that for a long time and, because of her convictions, stuck it out and tried to make things work. Of course I don't know all the details but the stories to me sound like abuse, plain and simple.

Eventually she couldn't take any more and left. Even then she agreed to keep trying to work things out. She had the attitude that she took a vow for better or worse, and she was going to do everything she could - but there obviously wasn't anything there.

That speaks volumes to me about how she sticks to her "code" rather than her feelings. Or at least she did. Maybe after she was burned in that relationship she started thinking the other way around. Reading your reply I tend to think that may be the case.

Like many of us, I try to look at everything objectively, with my heart, and with my head. That's one of the reasons this has been so difficult, knowing that she's said repeatedly that I'm the best thing that ever happened in her life, she'll never find anyone like me again, she's never been given the kind of love and caring I give, and so on. I feel the same way, and love her still - yet she walks away. I guess that was the original point of my post though



Well put. I don't know if I'll be given the opportunity, at least not easily - and I respect her far too much to push anything - but it would be nice to be able to sit down and talk about this and the questions I've posed here. She was expressive about her feelings right up until almost the very end.

sounds similar to what I'm dealing with. There is something in her closet that she will not let go of. Problem is if she doesn't want to talk there isn't a lot you can do about it. Only option is offer to try couples counseling, as a show that whatever is bothering her, is not just her problem. If she does not want to try then it's probably time to move on.