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Joined: Oct 1999
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Hey All!<BR>Question: How much should one take when there is a child involved? My H has a child and still has to talk to his X. Sometimes, after visitations are over and he returns his child, he'll talk to his X(alone because I choose not to accompany him everytime) for 30min or more. To me this is exposing him and our marriage to more potential problems. Any takers on this???
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Joined: Apr 1999
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Not sure what your situation is, but do you have some reason to believe that your husband is having more than just a confersation with his X? Not sure that just talking to his X wife for 30 minuits after dropping his child off is reason to get nervous. If you are concerned then go with him when he drops the child off. <P>Good luck.
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Joined: Oct 1999
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Thanks for Responding TimJ!<BR>Well,<BR>I don't think my H is having another affair with his X. However, I do not think it's beneficial to be around anyone for extended periods of time esp. when you had an affair with that person! Dr H even has said, he believed that when children were involved, that the spouse not engaged in the affair should be the one to talk to the X. However, I do not want anything to do with his X. Also, she was my best friend! In fact, my "right hand" in my wedding! <p>[This message has been edited by VR2US (edited October 16, 1999).]
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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 6,107
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VR, <P>You have nothing in your profile, and I don't understand your story.<P>Maybe you could write it here, or update your profile. I don't understand how his ex-W is a threat (by what you've written).<P>I look forward to finding out about your story...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>
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Joined: Oct 1999
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Ok<BR>My H had an affair with my best friend! And to top that off, there is a child now. Because he has Child support it involves visitations(which is fine). My issue is when he returns his child. I think since this is his X-Mistress that he should avoid alot of face to face communications. Especially if it takes longer than 30 min to discuss(so he says) his child. One night after visitations he stayed for 2 hours talking to her about the child. I think, out respect for the our family which we're trying to save after this affair, then he should tell his X-Mistress to call him at home because it's getting too late to be over her house discussing the child!
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Joined: Aug 1999
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VR,<P>Oh yes, I understand now! Yes, I agree with you that he should have NO reason to sit for two hours and discuss!!! You are right. <P>So, I guess the first suggestion would be to talk to him about it, tell him how it makes you feel. <P>Suggest he and mother of the child email or write notes that you can read (no secrets) regarding child issues. Go with him when he returns the child - sit in the car if you have to. Let her know you still exist. Ican't see him leaving you there for even 30 minutes, and he won't need to discuss anything if he sticks to the email or notes thing. The only time he would need to have a face to face is an emergency. <P>How's that sound? <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>
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Joined: Oct 1999
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Thanks for responding Sheryl!<BR>I appreciate the advice, and I'm glad someone on the outside can see that this incident was not right! I'll start going with him more often than not.<P>By the way, we have been learning by trial and error, what will work and what will not work. So, he's stayed and talked to his X-Mistress on her porch before(just not this long). We're supposed to discuss it further tonight. Thanks again!!<p>[This message has been edited by VR2US (edited October 17, 1999).]
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Joined: Oct 1999
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VR2US, <P>I think that Sheryl had some good ideas. You might think of it as a supervised visit. Both of them need to know up-front that they are being watched and that they will be held accountable. Good luck and let us know how it goes.<BR><P>------------------<BR>7Habits (Dane)<BR>"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Einstein.<P>
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Joined: Oct 1999
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You know 7Habits,<BR>The only thing is, I do not want to feel like I have to watch them. Sometimes I really have other things to do besides go along with him to drop of his child after visitations! But, I think you're right about letting them know they're being watched. When is enough, enough? Do you think this past affair is grounds for keeping watch for the longgevity of the marriage? I really want to be secure, and trust that my H will do the right thing, and not be a babysitter! However, it does seem like something keeps coming up. My requests for my H to talk to her minimally, not at work(by telephone), aren't being met. That's why I asked, when is enough enough?!!
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VR2US,<P>I think that this situation, as most, is temporary. What I would suggest is that you and your H appraoch this with the Agreement in mind. The two of you must enthusiastically agree to a course of action. As you develop trust in each other your needs will be met and the frustration will diminish. Your trust will grow. That is what I envision. Only the two of you working together can make it a reality.<BR><P>------------------<BR>7Habits (Dane)<BR>"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." Einstein.<P>
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Joined: Oct 1999
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Thanks for all your responses!! My H has agreed to my reasonable requests concerning his visitations! So now we have a game plan, now it's just time to play fair and win.
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