This is my first posting so I will do my best to get this right. I have been married to my H for just over 3 yrs now and we have been together on and off for 9 yrs. We have 2 kids together ages 1 and 8. Our relationship before marriage was tough, we had a child early in the relationship and were on and off,once I knew I wanted to be w/him he couldnt settle down. Finally we got together and things have been good. We had another child and that changed it all,he was born and we started to get distant.he wouldnt show affection like he did before or talk to me much or call and then I got irritated easy and didnt want to initiate intimacy all the time. I figured he didnt make me feel wanted, ( I know thats where I was totally wrong) My H is a very hard person to talk to, he is very moody and stuborn,when he is mad you have to give him time to space (no talking) then during that time I am getting more mad cause he has just walked away and he will come back like nothing happened and I feel like we need to discuss it and clear the air. So alot of things lingered around. Then he got promoted at work and changed his duties and where he worked and hours, this hurt us cause he was always tired, stressed and never home. I have been working from home to take care of our kids, so when he got home I felt like I needed a few mins break but didnt get it. He started the new position in mid June and mid July he tells me he is leaving me, he is not in love w/me anymore and doesnt think he ever was. That same day he changed his mind and came home. But wouldnt talk about it, just acted like nothing happened. About a week goes by and he is being really short w/ me and our oldest child so I say something and he blows up and says he is leaving again. This time he left and wouldnt speak to me, he showed up to see the kids a few days after work but was cold to me and left when they went to bed. He would tell me he had nothing to say to me. I felt something else was going on and did some investigating on the phone log and found a number repeatedly day and night(since promotion) I confronted him and he admitted he was having an affair. He said he was sorry and didnt know how it happened but he regrets it and wants to make it work with us. But he needed us to change and be what we were before we got married. So he came home and I tried plan A. I gave it 110% and was all about him. It seemed to be working but the call log showed he was still contacting OW. I asked him to stop contact w/OW and he said he was confused and didnt know what he wanted so he was leaving til he cleared his mind. That lasted 4 days and he was back and said he wanted us but he didnt want to have to talk just let things happen. So I did. I let him talk when he wanted to and that was it. 3 days later I find that he was with OW that night and confront OW, she admits to being w/him for 6 wks and she was in love w/him. But would stop seeing him. He said he had feelings for her but would stop also and focus on us. She broke the promis next day and it started all over. One day he says he wants to be w/me and work on our marriage and the next he is mean and cold and distant and says his mind is messed up. He says he cant stop thinking about her, but doesnt want to leave and make a mistake if things arent what he thinks with OW.He never stopped contact with OW. So now its been 10days since he has been back and he says he cant think clear while here and is stoping contact with her and me to clear his head and decide what he wants. He says he knows he loves me and wants to be here but cant stop missing her and thinking about her. And ofcourse she is really fighting to not let him go. After saying that, he came home for the night again and was pleasant but still was leaving in morning to have space. In morning he got mad cause I had an appointment with a therapist and he didnt want me to discuss him there. I told him I made the appt for me, the day he told me he wanted a separation and then he came home that night again but I just kept the appt anyway. He got mad and left with no good bye to me or his kids. Havent heard from him all night. I wont call cause I promised I would give him space to clear his mind.
I feel like I am being played with while he figures how things will go with OW. Why is it so hard to decide? Why is he being so mean to me when I did nothing wrong and I have stuck by him through all this? What should I do now? I want to walk away so I dont get hurt but I really love him and dont want to give up on our marriage that easily. I want him to make the committment to try to work on us. Sorry this was so long, I didnt want to leave out the important details. Any advice would be appreciated.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
Much information there. Good luck to you and yours.

Thank you for the link, I had read that earlier this week and actually emailed the part about the addiction and withdraw to him because he was saying he couldnt get her out of his mind and he didnt know what was going on. He was torn and confused. But he read it and said it was exactly what he was feeling but it seemed hard to recover from. He just cant see a plan of how OW will be gone and he can fix us with out the "what if's" constantly on his mind.
My biggest issue right now is that he keeps leaving me and his family to figure things out but cant seem to leave OW. She is nasty to him, cusses him out, makes him feel guilty for what she is doing to her(cant believe he would chose his wife over her), shows up at his job and he tells me when it happens that it pushes him away from her. but then he is right back talking to her again and I am the one that suffers and gets hurt and I am the one obeying his wishes and doing what he wants. Why does he act this way towards me and not her? Will he ever make a decision? Will he decide to make our marriage priority? He told me the night before he left that OW told her that she would try to give him space so that he could work on marriage without her clouding his thoughts then if it didnt work out he was fair game. He said he believed her but then said he needed to leave here to clear his mind and see what he wants with his life. Then he leaves mad because I have an appointment with a therapist to help me get through it. Why should that make him mad? It kills me that I havent heard from him. I want to call him so bad but I feel I need to give him space. Am I doing the right thing, should I prepare for this to be over or is there still hope?

He gets mad because he knows his dirty little secret will be reveiled to someone. It is called exposure and WS get really angry when the A is exposed. When they do it in secret it doesn't seem so bad but when it is brought into the light they have to face what they are doing and realize others know.
Have you exposed the A to your family and his family?
Is the OW married and if so have you contacted her BH?
Expose ASAP and don't let your WH know you are doing it. JUST DO IT!