I want to preface this with this doesn't apply to me at the current momment. But as I read through this site, I come up with more questions that either impact my marriage currently or might later down the road.

I'm getting conflicting opinions. On one hand, I hear to be completely honest with your spouse. On the other hand, I'm hearing don't tell your spouse they are getting fat/overweight/gaining weight/however else you want to word it. So what do you tell your spouse or how do you bring it up if you noticing your spouse is gaining weight and it's negatively impacting the way you view them sexually?

And if your number one love language is SF and they start to gain weight to the point they are becoming unattractive to you and it leads to you not wanting to have as much intimacy with them and therefore aren't meeting your need for SF, does the fault lie with you...the spouse...or both? Shouldn't both spouses take consideration in the way they look because they care what their partner thinks of them and how they look at them?

This was sparked by some comments on "No. Don't tell her she looks fat in that." Well, what if she asks? What if it's been burning in your mind that she has gained weight and haven't wanted to say anything? Do you wait until the 10 pounds has come, the next 10, the next 15, the next 20 until they are 100-300 pounds over weight to say something?

If her weight bothers you, then you MUST tell her this so she has an opportunity to correct it. Many guys are visually stimulated, therefore PA is an important EN. Tell her tactfully and lovingly, but do tell her! I have met people who actually fell out of love with their spouse because they were too fearful to tell the spouse. Don't let that happen..

First of all, I have been called a chauvinist pig by some. Depending on how you define that, I might be. For example, I have a joke I tell that drives women nuts; "Men live in fear of a new wife saying, 'I'm married, now I can eat.'" And from time to time, I have asked women whose husband is cheating, what they weigh. I have also asked men.

Men fall in love through their eyeballs. And women are well aware of that fact. Yet men can have an affair with a real skank because men are also attracted to being admired and fawned over. Yea, men are idiots. As has been stated here before, when men screw up, they give flowers; Women give oral sex. And yea, men do fall in love with the ability of a given woman to be good at what they do.

Women are a bit more practical when it comes to choosing mates, if not in how they go about choosing who makes babies with them.

Both men and women get turned off by grossly overweight partners. This is true even if they themselves have a beer gut from hell or flab that has turned a waist into a tire. One counter to this is; did you ever notice how many kids ugly people have made? I am not joking.

Women learn to hate golf unless they play it. Most women don't. Male obsession with recreational activities is a big turn off for women unless the guy is into fitness exercise. Then they are proud of their hunk.

Physical attractiveness is very much a part of any relationship, plus or minus, but doesn't get discussed on these pages a lot.

Larry

Personally, though it would hurt my feelings at the time, I would rather my H tell if I was gaining or losing (he isn't a fan of extremely thin women) to the point of not being attractive to him. It would be better to know now than later.

Wouldn't this be a part of O&H? I am by no means an expert or vet here...so I'm just giving you my opinion.

i agree with larry to an extent. i believe that for both men and women physical attraction is the 1st draw. but i do believe that ture love and the desire to marry comes from each meeying the others en's.

after marriage the rules seem to change. expecially as your marriage grows in years. our en's change, we change and our spouses change in those areas also.

i would say that if her PA is bpthering you then you have to speak up. BUT you must do it with tenderness and kindness.

befor eyou speak up you also have to consider other factors in your life.

for example. my w was quite the 10 (imho) when we married. she quickly became preg and had 2 children in 2 yrs. one born 5/17/81 and the second born 5/22/82. so her body had taken some natural changes from almost 22 straight months of preg.

i didn't love her less or even allow her new body to turn my head in any way, shape or form. you see in my eyes she had given up something that she valued very much to give me 2 beautiful children and multiply the love i never knew i had in me.

no win her eyes she became slightly depressed about not being the knockout she had grown used to. yes she did know how beautiful she was befor ethe kids and had a hard time whem she looked into the mirror after child birth.

when she was stuggling with these emotions is when i would try and encourage her to let's us go workout.

but now after almost 30 yrs and 4 bearing 4 more children i still love her even tho she is not nearly that same 23 yo i married. yet then again when i look in the mirror i am not that same 27 yo she married either.

i gues i look at it as we match

bottom line is if it is bothering you then you have to have compassion and talk with her about it. or maybe just invite her to do something with you to get her started on a healthier life style. maybe some walks on the beach, a bike ride, take her to a ball room dancing cless, "walking" a round of golf, etc. things that you can do as a couple that will get her excercising and having fun and time together at the same time.

I must say this is depressing to read first thing on a Sunday morning when you are north of 40. I guess I won't be finding love without some expensive alterations.

Anyway, back to the original question. I am not, nor have ever been overweight so I might not have the sensitivies down. But being overweight is bad for your health. Could you not approach it from this angle? Rather than scaring her into thinking you'll stop loving her if she doesn't lose weight, let her know how important it is to you that she remain healthy. You can take it beyond words as well. Make dinner for her - and make sure it's a healthy, nutritious dinner. You can encourage her to exercise - take walks together etc. Play an active part in your spouse's weight loss/maintenance rather than stand back looking at her wishing she were different.

To the OP personally I have struggled with my weight all my life, so needless to say after the babies were born I was an unhealthy weight. Personally I do not see anyway you can confront your spouse about your concerns about the extra pounds that will not come across a hurtful. My advise is just do it, do not wait the bigger she or he gets the harder it will be to take off and longer. this is the way my husband did it, he said it once and only once and said it as we passed each other on the stairs. Honey he said " When do you plan on taking off the baby weight"? Well I was floored I said it took nine months to put on it will take nine months to take off" End of discussion... Well I took off the weight and later said remember when you said that to me he could not remember, ( but women have built in tape recorders and remember all) Also its good to have a plan, if she starts to cry or throw things at you say, "hey maybe we could join a gym? Maybe we should get rid of all the junk food, you know that stuff will kill you, set a goal and tell her that the new season fashions will be coming out and boy would I like to see you in a hot sexy dress for the Christmas party'. Like I said there is no easy way no matter what she will be hurt or angry but this is for her health too not just to make her eye candy, you want her to live a long life and excess weight takes years off your life. Good luck, I feel for you.

I agree.

My best male friend has a wife that really let herself go. He has talked to her about it in the kindest fashion and all she does is PRETEND to get offended so that she doesn't have to drop the bon-bons. They haven't had sex in a year plus...and will certainly wind up divorced if things don't change. This is somewhat typical of the response that I have seen in more than a few women.

This is truly one area where the man doesn't often win. But, that doesn't mean he shouldn't try.

doesn't work...it should...but it doesn't.

Dr. Harley talks about this in HNHN in Chapter 8 - An Attractive Spouse. This tends to be a need of men more than women, but to quote a paragraph from the chapter:

"A man with a need for an attractive spouse feels good whenver he looks at his attractive wife. In fact, that's what emotional needs are all about. When one of his emotional needs is met he feels fulfilled, and when it's not met he feels frustrated. It may sound immature or superficial, but I've found that most men have a need for an attractive wife. They do not appreciate a woman for her inner qualities alone. They also appreciate the way she looks."

Maybe give her the book to read....

Tell her....or him.

I would rather tell my wife that she looks "fat" in something rather than having her friends snickering about it behind her back.

Sometimes it's not so much that they are "fat" looking as the clothes they are trying to fit into are a size or two too small. It can be a good excuse to take her or him shopping for some new duds.

Hey, guys would love a smaller waist line too. The older I get the harder it is to maintain.

Rather than making it your spouses problem to solve, try doing something about it together. I find it rare that ONLY one spouse is truly at their ideal weight or shape. Start doing physical activities together, change eating habits, get off the couch.

It's a sensitive subject for both genders. I feel that if it's an issue then deal with it earlier rather than later when it's going to be much more difficult to effect significant weight loss results. It's a lot easier to lose 10lbs than it is to lose 20.

"Does thi make me look fat?"

No honey, it's the two quarts of Ben & Jerry's that you ate this week that do that!

Tell him/her. It's unfair to resent a spouse for something that you are keeping secret--this is how the affair mentality begins, IMO--taking away from your intimacy.

Let them know that you are not physically attracted to them, and that you WANT to be. Also, be REALISTIC about what you are asking for. If you want your spouse to look like they did 20 years ago, it's just not possible in most cases. In a woman's case, having babies can change the shape of your body and how you carry weight. To expect six-pack abs on a woman who works all day long, then tends to the family all night long is a bit much.

Be as specific as possible about what you desire, and be willing to take over extra duties around the house to help your spouse focus and achieve the weight loss.

I know from experience that it took a great deal of extra work to prepare meals and to fit in exercise while trying to maintain giving to the other EN's of my WH, working a full time job and being a parent.

Let them know that you are not physically attracted to them, and that you WANT to be.

It should never even get this far if a couple communicate effectively. Nip it in the budd early.

If we allow our spouse to gain unattractive amounts of weight without comment then we hold some accountability.

Ah, yes, so true, but it happens, and probably quite often, that couples do NOT communicate these very touchy subjects. We learn as we go.

The truth of my H's weight is that he is about 20 lbs overweight. He has a beer gut and a spare tire and it doesn't affect the way I feel about him one bit. It bothers him, but it doesn't bother me. However, if my weight goes up even 5 lbs my H definitly notices and he will mention it to me. I used to get really bothered by this, I would think how dare he mention my weight when he is overweight, or I would think he must be shallow if my weight could affect the way he feels about me. I have learned now that my H is a very visual person and that does not make him shallow, it simply is who he is. I pay a lot of attention to my looks now, everyday I put on make-up, do my hair, and dress in clothes that my H likes. The truth is that I am very secure in my looks and would feel perfectly comfortable without make-up, with my hair in a pony tail, and wearing comfy clothes. I take care of my looks for my H, it is one way I show him that I love him. This is something I just learned this past year and it makes me feel good to know that by looking good I make my H feel good.

I, too, had babies one right after the other. One born on 8/20/92 and the other on 8/14/93. My body took a real hit from that. I was a tiny 5'3", 108 pounds when we married in 1991.

After having DDs my weight has been a struggle, not to mention a family history of large women. Of course, they had 5 and 6 babies, not just 2.

My weight always seemed to be more a concern of mine than it was of WH's - or so he said. I wasn't grossly overweight but at 145 at the time he had an A, I was 37 pounds heavier than when we married. I asked him at the time if my weight was one of the reasons he was no longer attracted to me, he said no, that he was still attracted to me but just didn't "feel" that way anymore. :RollieEyes:

The weight had been bothering me enough that I had started going to the gym during my lunch hours with my sister. Guess what time WxH used to start the affair?

In my quest to please him more by being more attractive, I created a different void. Before I was working out, we would go to lunch together almost every day.

The only time I felt okay about working out was at noon as DDs were still in school and WH did not like me to be gone in the evenings.

He enjoyed me looking better but wasn't willing to let me have the time to do the work to get there.

I think it DOES need to be discussed. I'd rather have my feelings hurt by him mentioning my weight than have my world flipped by an A. Whoever is doing the mentioning, though, needs to be prepared to HELP and be involved in the changes needed.

Fox

My DH is over weight also and it doesn't bother me one bit. To me he is the sexiest man alive. That being said I know my Weight gain did effect his attraction to me. Back in 2005 I gained 30+ pounds due to stress and I didn't like the way I looked. I noticed a difference in the way DH acted towards me. Before the weight gain he used to grab me and kiss my neck etc. He was still very loving but there was a noticable difference. I asked him flat out if he found me less attractive because of my weight. He paused (I am sure thinking of his wording so he could be honest but not hurt my feelings) He said something along the lines of "I am attracted to you and your weight doesn't bother me but to be honest I did find you more attractive when you were thinner. I am also not happy about the way I look and that bothers me." Did it hurt hearing this? YES but it wasn't something I didn't know already. I lost weight and he was a little more resposive but his issues with the way he looks effect him. In the past 3-4 months I joined a womens boot camp that meets 3 days a week for 45 minutes. I have lost even more weight and started to see a more toned body. I still have a way to go but he is back to gropping me again.
Not only does he find me sexy but I am feeling great about looking sexy for him. It's a win win for the both of us. Now if I could just get over my one weakness.... Icecream
I know I could be farther along but it just tastes too gooood!

I had a much better outlook when I lost alot of weight after the A. I was down to 129 and felt REALLY good. Was THRILLED to wear smaller clothes and not worry about the "muffin top" over my jeans. I rode horses better as my balance was greatly improved as was my reaction time.

I just FELT really attractive - even when my WH was living with another woman.

It did wonders for my self-esteem when I would go to the store and be noticed. Guys are not very subtle, are they?

I have gained weight again since then as I have not been in the "attract WH back" mode. I was running twice a day, doing exercise DVDs at home, going to the gym at noon. Life has gotten in the way again and I haven't had the same motivation and I've been working on getting it back under control.

A boot camp sounds like fun. It would be nice to find something DDs and I could do together. I'm pretty good about meals...it's the MOVEMENT that I have trouble with sometimes.

Remembering how WONDERFUL I felt is a good motivator.

Fox

I appreciate the replies. I've seen a friends marriage go down the drain because of this issue. I had a friend that stopped feeling attractive towards his wife because she had gained some weight. As her weight increased, his desire for her decreased and eventually found himself in an affair with another woman. I asked him why he just didn't tell his wife how he felt. He said he didn't want to hurt her feelings again.

He said he had brought it up, it had made her angry and she apparently lashed back out at him by gaining even more weight more rapidly.

My wife is pregnant. So weight gain is only natural. She's made several comments about how the extra weight makes her feel bad and she can't wait for the baby to come so she can get back in the gym. I kiss her, hug her, and tell her I love her and that she's beautiful.