I have been married for 14 years. I recently found out that my husband had an affair with a woman at his job. He says they no longer have any contact and that he loves and wants to be here with his family.(3 children) He is a good person and a really good father. I felt that after being together for so many years we had this bond and now it broken becasue he let her in. If there were problems WE should have worked them out. I feel like he put our family in jeapordy and he didnt protect me like he promised. I still love him very much and I hate myself for it and at times I hate him. That scares me. I am not saying that I was perfect but he didnt give me a chance to fix it becase he went to another woman. Now I feel like the changes I need to make are based on what he saw in another woman. He said it was only sex and he has no feelings for her. However, he says he only knows 1 way to have sex and its been that way since he started way back when. Therfore what's so special about me. I stayed bc we live in a small town, his job here is pretty high profile, and my children would have been devastated. Now everyone is happy....except me. I'm miserable. Now what?????

I'm probably not the best advice giver for you because of my own dysfunctional relationship. So this is just from my point of view. If your husband is saying it was just for sex, it might be true, especially if there was no sex in your relationship. I could certainly see that happening with me, as my wife has shut me off for a long time. If my wife were suddenly enthusiastic in bed, and stayed that way, anything I might have done in the past outside the relationship would have no relevance to me.

How is he with you otherwise? Do you spend time together, have good talks about other things?

You Chose each other as Wife and Husband....and he has proven unworthy of that title.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
^^^read this.

The Difference between Love and Hate is like skating the razor's edge of insanity.

devastated, please click on "notify" at the bottom of this post and ask the mods to move this to the infidelity section, to GENERAL QUESTIONS II. You will get lots of experienced help there. Sorry you are here.

Thank You

THERE WAS SEX IN OUR RELATIONS SHIP. WE SPEND TIME TOGETHER OTHER AND WITHT HE KIDS. LIKE I SAID HES A GOOD FATHER AND A GOOD PERSON. HE JUST HURT ME AND SEEMS UNFORGIVABLE TO ME. THE PAIN JUST WONT GO AWAY

Well, how long has it been since you found out? This pain will last about 2 years - at least that is what most of us experience.

Do they still work together? They absolutely cannot see each other ever again.

Also is he willing to write her a no contact letter?

dw,

My husband had an affair with another woman. His affair also was a "sex for the sake of sex" affair, and he says there was no emotional attachment to the OW.

I understand your anger. I have been there.

You can get past it, and you can forgive.

It takes time. It takes him and you, working together to get things working in the marriage and there are ways to make it happen.

I am living proof that it is possible. I want you to know in your heart that this pain you have right now does reduce. It does.

Right now, you probably think you're going crazy. You aren't. You are having a normal reaction to something that is devastating to you! It's normal to cry, to be angry, to feel like your emotions go from despair to anger to desperation to numbness.

Normal to feel like you are on a rollercoaster.
Normal to be triggered by stupid things like a commercial on TV, and not even know why.
Normal to feel fear, anxiety, sadness, hope, and then cry, all in under five minutes.

Normal.

You feel like your marriage, your life, has been nuked.

It has.

But here's the good news.

You have come to the right place for help.

Right now, order the book "Surviving an Affair".
Also, there's another book available out there that I read that helped me, called "After the Affair". Get your hands on a copy of at least one of these, and you can start understanding what happened, and get yourself set on the road to recovering your marriage.

Your husband needs to read them, too. He needs to understand what happened, why he did what he did, and what he needs to do to protect the marriage from future affairs and how to help YOU recover.

You two can fix this.

There is hope, and there are plans for your marriage.

Read the material on this website.

In the meantime, focus on a few things.

1. The decision to have an affair was 100% your husband's decision. You are not to blame for the affair.

2. You need to look at the state of the marriage leading up to the affair, and think about the things you might need to change regarding your behaviors in the marriage that could be improved. Look at the Emotional Needs information and begin to understand those ideas.

3. Look at the Basic Concepts, particularly Openness and Honesty, and discuss these concepts with your husband with regard to the affair. Talk about your questions about the affair and be sure you have the openness and honesty you need regarding your questions about the affair - and the OW - that you want answered.

4. Begin to consider what your "dream marriage" would look like. You need to consider what you want in a marriage, so you can set those goals.

5. You need to ask your husband to write a no-contact letter to the OW, and you will approve this letter and mail it yourself. Also, if the OW is married, her husband should be informed of the affair so HE has a chance to decide for himself what he wants to do with his marriage and life.


SB

I found out about about 2 months ago. I actually looked at the cell phone bill. I asked and he admitted it. Dont know if they still work together. He gets mad if we have totalk about it. Says he has no feelings for her and wont have anything to dowith her again.

We actually do have some good days sometimes. He cant handle my bad days. He thinks that i am not trying hard enough to forgive him. If i have a change of emotiong i always have to explain what he did and he doesnt understand that it doesnt just go away because you say that u are sorry.
You are so right, about feeling like I am riding a roller coaster. The least little thing can trigger a water fall.
I dont feel like he is willing to put in the time and patience.

Hi dw22

I have another book suggestion for you. It's titled "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder who is a pastor who has worked with couples recovering from A's. It has chapters for both the BS and the WS.

It might be helpful because it explains what you both may go through, and also explains how the WS can't just expect the BS to "get over it" on the WS's timing.

Hang in there-

Sorry, but he needs to get over being mad if you talk about it. He betrayed his vows and is angry? LOL, these WS's are beyond belief.

Tell him you'll work hard on forgiving him his infidelities, BUT tell him that you WILL NOT forgive him if he attempts to direct you in HOW you work out the forgiveness.

Its NOT up to him on HOW you forgive him.
Its NOT up to him on WHEN you forgive him.
Its NOT UP TO HIM ON HOW LONG it takes you to forgive him.
Its NOT up to him on WHAT YOU NEED TO DO to forgive him.
Its NOT up to him to voice ANY DISSAPPROVAL whatsoever about the course you take in order to forgive him.

The affair was all about HIS needs and HIS comfort and HIS desires.
Please don't let your attempt to forgive HIM be dictated by what HE needs to feel comfortable at this time. This time is about what YOU need. ANd he should be willing to do ANYTHING in order to help you forgive him.

Good luck.

I felt the same as you when only 2 months had passed from D-day. I loved this man and hated him at the same time. The worst days of my life were the first 3 months. I still could not believe my H would do this to me and our children. Is it worse that my H did or didn't care about OW? I dunno. Either way I look at it, it's ugly. The more the blanks got filled in the more my anger and disgust grew. All the dark thoughts I was having made me hate myself for thinking such things which then made me hate him for making me feel this way. I wanted to hold onto my H and M and at the same time hurt him and walk away.

During this time, I had no plan A or plan B. I hadn't found this MB at that time. I'm still not so sure about plan A, but...
There were times when I knew I had hurt him back and I felt sadness and pain for seeing him hurt. There were times when I hurt him back and I felt shame for WANTING to hurt him. There were times when I knew when I was hurting him and I didn't care. THAT was scary.

It will get better. The pain is so new that it seems unbelievable, but it will get easier. Take care.

FIRST OF ALL THAT YOUALL FOR COMMENTING ON MY POST. IT HELPS TO BE ABLE TO HEAR THE PERSPECTIVE AND EXPERIENCE OF OTHERS. MY MARRIAGE WASN'T PERFECT BEFORE HE HAD THE AFFAIR. I KNOW THAT THERE WERE SOME AREAS THAT I NEEDED TO IMPROVE ON. I JUST FELT LIKE HE DIDNT GIVE ME WHAT I NEEDED SO Y SHOULD I GIVE IN. BUT I NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD CHEAT. I WAS TO COMFORTABLE. I LOVED HIM. I STILL LOVE HIM AND I LOVE MY FAMILY. HOW DO I START TO MOVE ON IF I CONSTANTLY THINK ABOUT IT. SOMETIMES, WHEN HE TOUCHES ME I CRINGE BECASUE SEE HIM WITH HER IN THE SAME WAY.
I OFTEN FIND MY SELF WONDERING ABOUT DETAILS OF THIS AFFAIR AND Y HE COULDNDT STOP UNTIL HE GOT CAUGHT. I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO KNOW BUT IF I KNOW THEN I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO MOVE FORWARD. AM I GOING CRAZY?

Thank you so much for your post.....it is really helpful. I am right in that phase of hating my WH and what he did to me and is putting our family through. Sometimes when I look at him I just get disgusted because of what I know he has done. I know in my mind that these feelings will eventually fade (hopefully), but right now it seems like an impossibility and it makes me question whether I can ever get over this and be happy with him. From what I've read on this site lots of people do get through it so that makes me hopeful.

ldawk7.....
I AM GLAD I WAS ABLE TO HELP SOMEBODY.
I TOO HAVE HEARD REALLY GOOD THINGS ON THE BOARD. SO MANY OF THE POSTERS HERE ARE BOTH POSITIVED AND SUPPORTIVE. I JUST WISH I KNEW HOW TO START TO HEAL. I STILL LOVE THIS MAN SO MUCH, BUT I AM SO AFRAID OF BEING HURT, EMBARRASED AND MADE A FOOL OF AGAIN. HE SWEARS THAT HE WONT BUT RIGHT NOW THEY ARE JUST WORDS. I FIND MYSELF HURTING FOR HIM BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE HE REALLY IS TRYING. I AM SO CONFUSED. I JUST WANT TO CRY AND SCREAM!!!

devastatedwife....

I, like you, am confused, angry, yet even hopeful at times. I was like you......I knew our marriage wasn't what it was supposed to be, but he didn't seem to want any outside help. I think that was part of him having to admit that he might be part of the problem. Also, my background is in counseling believe it or not, and I think he always thought that I would "fix" everything. And everytime we had a problem that's exactly what I did.....I was the fixer who did everything and tried to counsel us through it. Only I have finally come to realize that I can't counsel him......he can't hear what he needs to hear from me. What makes this whole thing so much more painful is that he is an ordained pastor who was about to launch a church in our community. So not only has he really hurt me, but he has devasted about 20 other families as well. And to top that off, he's not willing to face them and deal with what he's done to them. It just makes me sick and ashamed of him. It's like he almost has a non-chalant attitude about it all. That is so not him and it makes me so mad. I think he just can't stand to face the full brunt of what he has done yet. But that makes me mad too because I'm so in the "you need to PAY phase". I also think that because he is a pastor, and I know the respect he has for that calling, I never thought he would cheat. I know that is so naive because so many pastors fall, but I never thought he would do it. Anyway, this is a great topic because I so hate him very much for what he has done, yet I know that if we were able to go through this program, we both could have what we've really wanted all along and it could be a great testimony to a lot of people who are involved in this. I really appreciate all the support available here and all the transparency that really makes us all feel that we are not alone in this.

I AM TERRIFIED THAT I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT. I LOVE THIS MAN. I SAID THAT I WAS WILLING TO TRY. WELL TONIGHT WE HAD TO ATTEND A WORK FUNCTION FOR HIS JOB. SHE(OW) WAS THERE (THEY WORK TOGETHER). SHE WALKED BY ME, SMILED AT ME AND SAT DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME. I HATE HIM FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS. HE SAYS THAT I HAVE TO KEEP RUBBING HIS NOOSE IN IT AND REMINDING HIM OF WHAT HE DID. HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS RUBBED IN MY FACE WHEN I HAVE TO SEE HER. WHEN I CONSTANTLY HAVE TO BE THE ONE FORGINVG AND UNDERSTANDING.
I SPENT EVERY NIGHT UP CRYING FOR HOURS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW HE COULD HURT ME LIKE THIS. I JUST WSH SOMEONE COULD MAKE ME UNDERSTAND WHY? HE SPENDS HIS TIME SLEEPING LIKE A BABY. NEVER SEEMS CONCERNED. HE ALWAYS SAYS HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE HAS TO, HE WLLL DO ANY AND EVERYTHING TO SHOW ME HOW SORRY HE IS AND HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. HE DOES NOTHING DIFFERENT. HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. NOW I HAVE NO BEST FRIEND OR HUSBAND. I DONT THING WE CAN EVER BE FRIENDS AGAIN. WE CANT MEND THE BOND THAT WAS BROKEN.WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? AM I GOING TO MAKE IT? HOW CAN I LOVE HIME SO MUCH AND HATE HIM AT THE SAME TIME?