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It just never seaces to amaze me the things that the human brain can justify in the name of it's own happiness.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I’ve owned up to the fact that I married for the wrong reasons. I never fell in love with hubby. We looked good on paper. I thought the sparks, butterflies and racing hearts were stuff that teenagers felt with their first crushes…and we had a more “mature” love than that. I thought I’d eventually grow to love him. From what I’ve read and what she’s said, there has to be a spark in the beginning…that love follows a progression of steps, that infatuation stage being the first and most necessary prerequisite. Your therapist is wrong. Most therapists and marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea why a person falls in love and how to effect that in a marriage. Dr. Harley DOES. You CAN fall in love with each other if you follow Marriage Builders program. I would start first with the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love and check into a MB weekend. It really does work. Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal for Marriage Therapy?book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6015_fall.htmlCheck out this video by Dr Harley: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.htmlMy ideal plan is to live as roommates, save up some money of my own (ideally having him pay most of the bills during this time), and then reevaluate in a year or so. I feel so anxious as he’s said he needs me to start talking about how we’re going to move forward with improving our R, but I’ve told him I need to focus on my issues first…that I can’t give him what I don’t have for myself, etc. I guess I need to tell him I’m trying to figure out if I want to stay in this R or not…but I am anxious of what will happen. It sounds like he is willing to work on the marriage so what is the problem? Why not work on it? Is there more to this than meets the eye? Are you seeing some other OM? You say you want a good marriage, your H says he is willing, so what is the REAL OBSTACLE? Your mythological believe that there had to have been a "spark?" That is nonsense. I think even if we both improved upon eliminating each others LBs and started filling each others ENs, that it still wouldn’t be what we wanted since the “spark” was never there for me, Thats a myth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jul 2004
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During my H's first A he told me he "never loved me" and "only married me because I gave him an ultimatim". Sound familiar? You are so foggy sounding it is scary and your "therapist" is not helping one bit!
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Joined: Aug 2008
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If I were you I would have these discussions as frankly as possible right now. I'm not sure exactly what you should do but I made alot of mistakes on this road. I am sure that your husband needs to hear you say you are sorry, it sounds like he needs to apologize as well. If you want to see what can happen you can take a look at my thread, make sure you don't get into the same situation.
Best of Luck
Me 42 BS
Wife 41 FWW (exwife now)
Divorced 10/14/2008
S 21
D 18
D 16
S, S 13 (twins)
Grandson 8 months
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Joined: Apr 2005
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"Ideally, I want to move into the other room and try a trial separation. I feel I’ve painted myself in a corner as we just purchased a 2nd house, and it doesn’t look like we’ll be able to sell the first without losing our shirts. I’ve put $65K more than him into these 2 houses, hoping someday he’d put more towards things and our finances would be more “equal”.
My ideal plan is to live as roommates, save up some money of my own (ideally having him pay most of the bills during this time), and then reevaluate in a year or so. I feel so anxious as he’s said he needs me to start talking about how we’re going to move forward with improving our R, but I’ve told him I need to focus on my issues first…that I can’t give him what I don’t have for myself, etc. I guess I need to tell him I’m trying to figure out if I want to stay in this R or not…but I am anxious of what will happen.
I could go on and on, to further explain my situation, but I just know I can’t continue on like this anymore. I think even if we both improved upon eliminating each others LBs and started filling each others ENs, that it still wouldn’t be what we wanted since the “spark” was never there for me, and I would be searching for that kind of connection with someone else, as I did with OM. (And by “spark”, I’m not only referring to an intense and unique physical connection but an emotional one as well.)Am I correct in thinking this? I realize this site says you can "fall in love" again with your spouse, and Cuthbert said I could fall for the first time, but without that initial feeling, I don't see how it can happen. I think that spark has to be our intuition calling to us."
This post wins a PRIZE for "POST OF THE WEEK"! 
Last edited by Stellakat; 09/06/08 11:08 AM.
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Joined: Feb 2005
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I think you should do your H a favor and divorce him. that way you can pull out most of your "equity" and release him to have a real life with someone who is actually in love with him.
then you can dangle your "equity" in front of others and end up with another lowlife.
Good luck and don't forget, go for that equity.
Jerry
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Joined: Feb 2008
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whatislove,
Before you move into another bedroom ask him if he wants out. You might be surprised. From everything you have posted his actions are not of someone wanting a divorce. He might have been angry about the check but what he is still angry about is your EA. That does not excuse his continued verbal abuse. You have to be firm that you will not tolerate that. Are both of you seeing a counselor? It sounds like you are the only one going. If you do ultimately end the marriage don't disguise your split as a separation. He deserves to know you want out. Let him decide if he wants to stay until both of you are more financially stable.
Last edited by Brooke28; 09/07/08 12:13 PM. Reason: correct spelling
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