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#2122916 09/07/08 05:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 381
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BWS71 Offline OP
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I wanted to post this and link it in my signature. I'm not expecting any responses or anything.

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On October 30th 2006 while I was deployed to Iraq my wife told me over the phone that we needed to talk about something. I could tell by her voice that it was serious but I had no idea what it could be about. The conversation that followed was the most frightening thing that has ever happened to me. Though I didn’t understand everything she said that night I did understand one thing very clearly - our marriage of then 11 years was in dire trouble. Though she couldn’t really explain why, she did make it clear that she felt we were likely headed for divorce. This was totally out of the blue. I had absolutely no idea what was going on and I was rocked. Up until that day I had thought we had if not a great marriage at least one that was above average in terms of lack of conflict and general contentment. She was totally unable to tell me why or what she felt the problem was but her conviction was unmistakable – our marriage was on it’s death bed. Though I had no clue what was going on, my one thought was to love her and hold on.

The unexpected nature of this startling revelation and the communication difficulties of being half a world apart colored everything that happened afterwards. For the next two months we danced around the brink of marital disaster. My wife tried to explain that my absence from our home had triggered a surprising amount of relief for her as she no longer had me in the house and no longer had to live up to what she felt were my expectations of her, especially when it came to maintaining our household. I never recalled making any demands on her though I began to realize that I did express criticism of her choices and behavior on occasion. I did often disapprove of her choice in television shows or how she kept the house. I often felt I carried an unfair portion of the household chores and that I had to look after her as well as the kids. While the quality of our sex life was good, the infrequency occasionally left me feeling neglected and uncared for. Sometimes I communicated my dissatisfaction with a lot of emotion but *I* certainly never thought I was overly critical of her. But for her it seemed she never knew when I was going to be moody or upset or otherwise disapprove of her as a wife and a mother. Having me gone and the relief she felt really shocked her.

I recommended we get some marriage counseling but my wife was panicked at the thought of me coming home and the return of this press of responsibility. She felt our relationship was so skewed that she would never be able to be healthy unless she broke all ties with me and started over. She wanted to approach any future relationship with me with no strings or obligations and see what happened. Such an approach sounded like a recipe for disaster to me. My suggestion that we slow down and try counseling or some other arrangement first was met with extreme emotion and resistance from her. I felt like I had no other choice than to comply. I felt like we were in a minefield and doomed no matter what we did. I reluctantly agreed to sign divorce papers and she had them notarized and sent to my base. What else could I do? I felt resisting her would be the final act of invalidation and she would leave me forever. As crazy as it felt, I believed going along with her desire to end our marriage was the only hope I had to ever be her husband again. I knew I wanted her back. Under the conditions, I felt agreeing to whatever she asked was my only hope of preserving our relationship.

As part of this perfect storm a single man from our church began showing a great deal of interest in my wife and made some inappropriate advances around this same time. Though she had no interest in an affair, the unconditional acceptance and appreciation without any expectation shown by him had a very serious impact on her. He was extremely complimentary and seemed to admire her just the way she was with no other expectations than to just be herself. For someone used to feeling never quite good enough this was very powerful. Because of her conflict avoidant nature and her desire to make others happy she agreed to progressively compromising contact and outings with him. The combination of my wife’s overactive giver and desire to not disappoint others and her underlying a sense of inadequacy in our marriage created a very dangerous situation. She realized where things were headed one night when they ended up alone watching a movie in our home and kissing on our couch. She did call things off with him the next day. Their EA was brief and relatively limited but its effect was dramatic for both of us. The fog of their relationship (unknown to me until after our reconciliation) made a difficult situation 10 times worse.

The emotional fallout from this inexplicable situation took a deep toll on me. I began having panic attacks. I’d never felt so close to a nervous breakdown. I can’t count how many total strangers saw me crying around the base. For her part I know she was just as distraught. Though I know she still loved me she was petrified to go back to what she had felt in our marriage.

One day towards the end of December 2006 while desperately searching the web I came across Harley’s website. As I started reading about LoveBusters and withdrawal and emotional affairs, the reality of our situation hit me like a ton of bricks. All at once I saw our entire situation and how it could be fixed. My attitude about our conflict changed radically. At that point I began to understand how the combination of my wife’s overactive giver and my occasional angry outbursts over my unmet needs created a slow growing cancer in our marriage. As to my lovebusting, I never imagined our negative interactions to be anything out of the ordinary. I thought our arguments were just the way married people resolve conflicts. But for her they were toxic. Now I saw my behavior for what it was – a dysfunctional and stupid attempt to get what I wanted/needed in my marriage. Not only did it not work, it created fear, resentment and emotional detachment in my wife. Those were the last things I ever wanted her to feel.

Once my attitude towards our conflict changed, once I saw and appreciated my contributions to our breakdown, my wife could feel the difference. She could tell I was finally ‘getting’ it – though she didn’t even know herself what ‘it’ was. She too began reading Harley’s site and contributing to the forums a bit. Once we understood what was happening to our marriage and why and how to fix it, things turned around very quickly. I quite easily listed my LoveBusters and committed to do my best to completely avoid them. I kept track on a daily basis. Once my eyes were opened it was surprising and embarrassing how often I committed subtle DJs against my wife in an effort to control her. During that time we went through Harley’s Radical Honesty worksheet which included a discussion of her EA. The whole process was a great relief for my wife. She had never felt she could be herself in our marriage. After our RH session she felt that I finally knew and understood her and loved her all the same. The feeling of intimacy between us reached a level we’d probably never known before.

I came home the end of January 2007 and we began the difficult job of putting our new understanding and behaviors to the test. With only a few set backs we slowly began increasing our expertise in meeting each others’ needs and avoiding behaviors that depleted our love banks. The big things were relatively easy to fix. But it is surprising how stubborn some longstanding habits and instinctive behaviors can be. We’ve had to learn completely new ways of talking about and resolving our conflicts. She tells me I’m a better husband and father than ever. She too has changed in amazing and unexpected ways with very little direction from me. She understands and loves me in ways that I never imagined she would do. I’m so grateful for this site and Harley’s books. I don’t know what would have happened to our family if we hadn’t found this information. I wish we could have understood these things sooner and avoided all the crud we went through.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Joined: Sep 2003
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Thanks for posting an update BWS71! I wish you would post on General Questions II because there are so many newbies that need hope.

Thanks for your service and sorry for the many sacrifices you and your family had to make.


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