VL

Hang in there tight, VL!!

We are here for you as much as we can be. I had the same deal, didn't want to, but had to file for protection.

Take care,

Charlotte

Hey Charlotte, good to hear from you again - thanks so much - it will be tough but I do need to stay dark.

But we are scheduled to appear to court next week because he's been liquidating our assets. I was told by a friend of his that he was buying time all this time pretending to work on us but reality he was hiding $$$$ from me. And told me to file for "D" to protect myself. He was never honest with me with $$$$ ever since the A started.

I'm trying to be optimistic about this PB phase but I think he wants out anyways. So we'll see - I told my lawyer I want to drag this out anyways and I'm not in a hurry.

You were in a similar situation?

Yes. He was siphoning money from our account and had really lame excuses for it. It was getting so bad there wasn't money for bills and I couldn't borrow any more from my Mom, she was strapped as it was.

So I found my attorney (Shiny) two days after I gave OWH the evidence, thanks to folks here for both: pushing me to give OWH the evidence THAT VERY DAY (because I wanted to wait a couple more days) AND for finding Shiny (another poster had him for her divorce case.)

Before we got him served, though, I had to do a lot of manuevering to get what money was left in there. It was really kind of comical, (the race to the bank! LOL!) the next day after the check went through on direct deposit.

I hope your WH doesn't bring his GF to court. Mine did. Everyone was pretty disgusted by that, so be prepared. She was supposed to be there anyway because I had her and OWH subpoenaed. So she shows up with WH-Gray. I felt so bad for OWH! Worse than I felt for me.

I held it together until I got home and then I had some vodka so I didn't give a crap for a while. Until the headache the next day. I finally got rid of the vodka in January. Decided I wasn't going to let THEM turn me into an alcoholic.

Mine differs from yours in that I gave Gray the PBL on December 15th, about 3 weeks or so after the temporary hearing.

And it was going great until the judge ordered us to work together so now B is broken. Couldn't do much about that, though. I'll be going dark again, though.

Well, sorry to ramble on and on!!!

Have a nice night,

Charlotte

He is right, this will be worked out by him ending the affair or divorce-there you go.

Does you attorney know about planB? From what I have seen around here (maybe ask Dancing Machine) you might want to explain why you won't communicate with your WH. Make sure you have a visitation plan in place and a plan for kid emergency communication. You don't want to seem unreasonable to the judge.

Do we need to talk about WHY plan B so you know why to not break plan B?

And what can you do to keep from obsessing about WH. I planted gardens, lots and lots of them!

I'm afraid my case is similar to Charlotte - the OW is single but my H is spending $$$ like crazy on her, his bicycle toys, wrote her a check for $2,500. I gave all these evidence to my lawyer. The judge might subpoena her too.

I gave him the PBL after he moved out. One day he decided to get up early and took his stuff and left. He didn't even have the courtesy to say anything to me or to my daughters.

And how he wants to talk blah blah, blah and text me again today saying that we need some level of communication - we need to work through it. Heck he never wanted to communicate before.

My attorney doesn't know about PB. He's all business like-doesn't show any emotion. The judge may ordered us to communicate so I will not have a choice.

My PB may not work at all - I don't know what's going to happen.

You should ask your attorney to have her subpoenaed. That's what scared the bejeebers out of Gray and Slag. She was SO afraid she would be questioned on the stand that he folded and agreed to everything Shiny asked for and I was blessed with great financial support to get caught up on bills and able to help the kids, too.


That's just:


The WS's almost always test BS's resolve after receiving a PBL. Don't fall for it. Stay dark.


I wish you had mine. He cares about people. I think that should be a requirement for becoming an attorney, especially one that specializes in divorce and family law. I don't think the judge will order you to communicate, besides, even if he/she does, there are ways to communicate without doing so directly...outlined in your PBL.

Hang in there!

Charlotte

THAT was one of the most AWESOME things I have ever read from a person who is being betrayed and treated as if they are worth so little. I hope you get him back. It seems the worst guys are ALWAYS the guys that their spouse fights to get back......but only YOU have to love him. I really wish you only the best of luck.

I know this is blasphamous but I always doubted the validity of Plan A, is seemed.....I don't know kinda like a bribe....and I don't think I've ever read about a person who got a spouse to stay with plan A IF the WS still wanted to be with the other "person". It seems MOST WS come back to partners who play hardball, I think because IN MOST cases the OP TRUE COLORS come out and the spouse runs back to undo the damage after realizing the mistake.

But anyways, really, good luck, I feel for you.

OW being subpoenaed was a slam dunk in my divorce. I know you don't want a D, but if WH insists on it, make sure you get a good one.

Terribly tacky, but maybe a good sign that he still has a bit of conscience and knows he can't justify this action to his children

DO NOT RESPOND!!!

Don't sound defeatist, hope for the best.


That is why I asked before, I think we need to talk about the two fold purpose of plan B.
1. Protecting you from the mental abuse of WH's affair
2. OW will have to meet ALL of WH's needs, no more cake eating.

PLEASE, don't communicate with him. Do you have a kid plan in place, when will he see kids, where will he pick them up, who will be the go between.

Please remind me, do you work outside the home and how old are your children? Hugs to the kids by the way, I have young daughters, I remember the devestation they felt. I did get them some counseling, you may want to look into that.

((((VL and kids))))

What is your point exactly? She is following the plan.

My kids are 7 and 5. I don't work and I don't know a lot of people here. I have asked a friend I knew for a while to be the person to be the intermediary.

My H text me three times today and called twice. I didn't answer. He text me to ask when he can pick up the rest of his clothes. I got his spare key and drove down to his work and threw them in the back of his seat.

I also found pictures of the two of them together online - I printed them out and place them on top of his dashboard - letting him know that I knew all this time - the lies he has given me straight to my face. All the hell he has put me through - but I in return acted kindly toward him all this time and forgave him for all the things he has done to me and to our kids.

His last phone message earlier - was "I am really sorry - I want to work it out - I know I have disrespect you - please give me a call - I would like to talk to you. I want to see you and the girls - when can you meet me? Are you willing to meet me?"

I should give myself a pat on the shoulder - I have not cave in. It was nice to hear his voice on the phone but I need to do this for myself. I keep reminding myself that I am not a doormat for him anymore. Enough crying over him when he didn't care about me and had no respect for me as a person and as a wife. When he didn't care about our kids - and didn't make time or give them attention when they needed him most instead he turned his attention to this OW.

I know it's really hard - and I'm just starting on this PB time. I will see him next week when we both are due in court. He can't have his cake and eat it too anymore. I'm tired emotionally, physically and mentally.

((((((((((VL))))))))))

Good for you for staying dark!!

Stay strong!

Take care,

Charlotte

You are doing so great, this is hard but you are staying dark. Keep up the good work! Sometimes this really does result in the WS returning. And even if it doesn't, this is the best thing for your own sanity.

Sorry if I missed it, we've been busy and traveling, but did you tell us what was in your PBL? Did you include a clear path back to the marriage, what your requirements are for you to be willing to talk to him again?

OK - my H contacted me again - wanted to see the kids - I let him see them since we're due in court and I didn't want him to say to the judge that I wasn't cooperating. He wanted to talk and work things out. H said to me that he's willing to do anything and everything to work it out.

I broke it - when he told me that yes he's willing to work on our relationship. I communicated with him - sorry guys!!!!! I brought up the NCL - and he was not thrilled about it. Said to me that this is not a good time for her. He finally told me everything about her - not sure if everything is true but mentioned that she has some sort of cancer and it's not a good time. I don't know if that is even true - no offense to people who have cancer - but it's hard to believe what he said to me.

Said he didn't want to give up 14 yrs of us together. And he's willing to do everything I mentioned on the list. It's too soon - told me that he got really angry when he got served with the "D" papers. Said that he's going to get a lawyer and fight it out and I'm not going to see a single pennies.

WHy does he say one thing and turn around and tell me something else?

Sounds like a crock of [censored] to me.

You shouldna' ha' broken B.

Charlotte

I know!!!! I know!!!!! Can I still go dark after this??? NO CHANCE?????

So he's willing to do everything to restore your marriage EXCEPT give up his mistress???? :crosseyedcrazy:

I'm glad he saw the kids, you don't want to keep the kids away from their dad. BUT you don't have a mediator to do the kid swap, do you???

I would make it very clear, and I hope you plan B letter said clearly "I want the marriage, but only if there are two people in it".

How much snooping have you done on this biking message board? That might be a good place for exposure, but get feedback on this idea before you do it.

Can we firm up you plan B? I had a feeling that the kids visitation was going to be an issue for you.

When is court?

I'm not sure what the procedure for that is. Maybe you could just not communicate directly and if he complains you could tell him to refer to the PBL.

Charlotte

My mediator had to go out of town so she couldn't do it for me right now. He text me about the kids so I had to do it since court is this Thurs.

I gave him the list of things he has to met under our PBL and he said he will give me what he can do tomorrow about the "NC" with her. He is fine with everything else on the list. It is just the NC that I'm worried about it - more of a trusting issue - I don't know if he's strong enough.

He told me that if we can't come to agreement or if I don't think I can erase or get over the OW then we should go forward with the "D" proceeding.

What is there to agree about? Stop boinking the OW and then we'll talk, this is not a negotiation.

Can you get over this affair?? If he were to do everything right, which he won't, at least for awhile, can you get past this?

I'm confused. I'm still not sure what was in your PBL. He says he wants to work on the relationship? And that he agrees to everything on your list? Then why are you not welcoming him back to work on the M?

Yes if he doesn't send a NCL right away then you aren't yet in Recovery, you are in Plan A, right? But isn't that what Plan A is for, is to get him to break off contact? Yes it may be a false recovery at first, but isn't it a step in the right direction? I dunno, I could very well be wrong. But look at lildoggie's thread: she let her WH come back when he agreed to work on the marriage, he refused to write a NC letter at first so they went through a false recovery, but now they are really working to recover, and he's even on board with MB. Would that have happened without the added time in Plan A? I dunno, maybe. But in your case (if I remember correctly - sorry if I've gotten you confused with someone else) didn't you not exactly do a good Plan A?

Do you think it would help your chances if you were able to show him that you really are making some permanent positive changes?