Soolee I've been recommending that book for years and you just picked it up now? I'm so offended

Actually no Im not lonely. Iam at peace right now and thinking all of this over. I do miss him but not the attitude, silent treatments, obnoxious remarks. I miss the guy I married, not this changed person.

yes, Im thinking about future and yes it scares me and if we are able to mend it (will it be me that does it or will he participate in it) know what I mean. If he refuses counseling what choices are left? If he continues to stay at his brothers how will we do counseling, he gets home so late how would we do appts. All this is going through my mind. He is a dog, a dirty dog right now.

Money does seem to change people.
When my H's father died,his eldest brother became executor of the estate. I just cringed. It was almost $800,000. Part of it was used to care for his mother in a nursing home. But all of a sudden,his brother was traveling to Europe,driving a Lincoln,taking ski trips. And he wasn't working and neither was his wife.When I talked to my H about this,he bristled and said his brother would NEVER spend the money. I didn't want the money. I just wanted to make sure his Mother was taken care of so she didn't have to come live with us. As it was,he shipped his Mother up to us 2 weeks out of every 6 weeks. I was so upset because she had special needs and the nursing home made him sign a release saying they were not responsible for anything that happened as they were against her traveling. While I was forced to care for her,he and his wife were going on cruises,buying a huge home,buying Mercedes for both of them. His brother didn't even work and I could not believe my H and his other brother were so blindly trusting.
Sure enough,when his Mother died,he had to admit all the money was gone from "bad investments" he made.
My H and his other brother were in shock but I wasn't. I had resigned myself to the fact it was long gone before she died. He even had the nursing home "pay him back" for the time she was shipped to ME to care for.
My H and his other brother quit speaking to him. We even had to pay some of the nursing home expenses.....because he didn't. Then,he had a heart attack. He begged his brothers to come see him,to help him,to be with him. To my surprise,they turned the cold shoulder to him. Then,he died. They wouldn't even attend his funeral.
When there is a good bit of money involved,people turn into people you don't know. My H keeps saying how he should have listened to me. But his brother had such a hold over them. When they did one time ask him about the money, he put THEM on the defense,saying,"What? You don't trust me"? Then they would backpedal and say,"Oh,sure...sure we do! We were just wondering is all"! They made me sick.
Because our son is an only child,he has even had friends and family ask about OUR estate. So,we made SURE no one can get our money,explaining to our son we have an iron clad will AND he is to just tell them all the money is tied up in probate.....because hands are already trying to get some.
You don't owe your H an explanation. It's YOUR money,left to YOU. He's already living in a nice house because of it. I fear he just wants his name on the deed.....then will want to sell the house and get "his half". You say his eyes lit up when you got your inheritance. That's called GREED.

...painful.

Sometimes Numb feels like peace.

You call his bluff.

The most dangerous creation of any society is the man who has nothing to lose.
James A. Baldwin

You have nothing to lose by calling his bluff.
1. You don't sign = he diovrces you. The abuse stops.
2. You Don't sign = He goes to counseling. The abuse stops..maybe.

Marriage...needs two to work on it. It's an uphill battle on your own. Some battles are just not worth fighting. For a clear conscience, make your last stand from the heart...and let the chips fall where they may.

He can toss an ultimatum of one month and his name on your house as his parting gift...and you can let him go.
Jewelldy said it well.
Fatal Error: His name on YOUR house.

Stand up for yourself. You are in kind of a pickle,I know. You love him.....but ti sounds like he loves your money. Maybe you could use some of the money for a great vacation together. But it sounds like he wants some in his hot little hand and if he gets enough,may decide to be on his own.

I'm a slow learner, ears. lol It takes me a while to catch on.

jewelldy,

Use what money? He is making all the money. He gives me so much $$ to pay bills and run the hse groceries, etc. I have to conserve on my gas because I take a little out for that, I never fill my tank up because then that would take away from bills.
He used to deposit his whole check. For last 4 months he has cut me off. He used to deposit whole check, he has a separate account with only his name, he deposits to me what is only needed for bills and what ever is left I buy groceries,gas in my car sometimes its only 200 dollars, that There is not enough for free spending. He has me very limited. This is a result of this hse thing, it kind goes along with the renter theory. So he is kind enough to give me enough to cover bills, and some food.

I stay home alot to conserve on the gas. (hearing this you would maybe think that Iam a spender and he had to do this. I am not a spender I don't like to shop, Im not a mall hound, I don't use credit cards, i don't like debt. Daughter in law has had to buy and bring food for baby because I didn't have $$$ to buy and provide this for him, she has had to give me gas $$ to take baby to dr. appts, etc.
He says his little account is for emergencies, this is what I have been told since it started. Ha, I have seen him spend it, give it away and do as he pleases with it, he was very generous and gave me some $$ to go on weekend excursion with kids, and he has given me money to buy tenny shoes. So its obvious that it is a control thing, so I accept it, it just shows more of who he is.
This is a very big change for him, everything used to be together not anymore....................We used to pay tithes every payday but since this arrangement there is no money to pay them, so only God can see that one and thats on him not me.


Money, money, its so sad that we need it to live and survive.
Yep, Im in a pickle alright....................

[quote=catperson]Your case is a lot like mine. You might benefit from reading my thread here on EN. I've been getting amazingly good advice.


catperson,

i would like to read your thread, how to find it where do I begin to read? I still learning this posting stuff.

Just click on my name and select read posts. Or look for the thread called I Can't Talk; He Has No Problem.

Honey, he is running a game on you so big your whole town probably knows about it.

I'll put this in caps so you KNOW it's important:

HE IS EITHER HAVING AN AFFAIR AND PAYING FOR HER BILLS, OR HE IS PUTTING HIS MONEY AWAY SO HE CAN LEAVE YOU. HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE UNTIL HE HAS HALF YOUR INHERITANCE. SO HE IS BULLYING YOU AND MANIPULATING YOU.

If you don't kick him to the curb, I doubt that anyone will have any sympathy for what you end up with. It is PLAIN as day that you are being taken for a fool.

Cat,

I hear this so much, I just can't believe it, or I just don't want to accept it. I have been doing alot of complainning about him, but what about me? Maybe Im causing this, maybe its all me.

Iam so screwed up and trying to fight this thing for so long. I don't even know (even after all the advice and suggestions on this forum) where to begin to sort it all out. I am so numb and can't seem to get up and get going.Where in hell to I begin???

No hes not the type to have an affair.
here is a little secret:
When H opened that other account it was (I think) last year when all hell broke loose. Then when we came together again (so call made up)he was being honest at this time, and he shared with me that he had opened another account and was putting $$ away for savings, emergencies, vacation, getting a trust made up, etc. (all this is starting to run together and I can't remember if its last year or the year before. But anyhow it was one of those truth moments I think he still cared for me alot, so he was making an honest effort to work things out). He gave me a card in case I needed to get $$ out (this was back when he stopped depositing his whole check into joint account) so if I ran short in joint account I would have access to the other acct. to draw out $$. As time went on, I did a time or two have to draw from his acct to cover. Well, some where along the way we had a blow out again. He demanded his card back. So i gave it to him. Then after a time things got (normal???) and he gave it back to me.
Then we had another blow out down the road, and he took it away from me again (today i do not have that card). But when i did have it, we had set it up on internet (online banking. At that time I also set up using my own password(which till this day he does not know this) so I am able to pull it up to see activity, I can't do anything else (draw money out, transfer, etc). So on his pay days. I can see how much he is holding back from joint account. (I know this is probably very wrong of me, and could consider me a controller)how do I explain this) I do this so i can see how honest or dishonest he is being with me (lies or truth).
As time went on when he first had told me about it:
He needed to replace a musical instrument he has had for years, it was old out of tune warped, but he still played it(he doesn't think hes good at it(but I do with some lessons, he could be real good, but he takes no initiative to learn, no patience) he plays this as it brings comfort to him, he sings songs to the Lord and praises him daily,it is a form of relaxation, other then couch potatoe all the time, he'll take a break and go in other room and sing and play. One day he was trying to tune it and it was just to old, he became frustrated and angry and ended up smashing it to the ground (whoa, I took note, I thought childish), as weeks went on he was lost without his comforter. So we went out shopping at music store. (My h is not one that likes to spend $$ on himself and rarely does (he has always been very very generous to spend on my wants, he has treated me like an angel materialistically)so I knew his hearts desire for replacement of this instrument so I had to coax him into splurging on himself he works hard and deserves it, (he struggles with thinking he deserves gifts for himself, he is a practical guy when it comes to me him, but when it comes to me or grandkids(it used to be this way before hse deal)the sky was the limit if he could afford it. So anyhow I talked him to getting a new one (it was not cheap) while we were there we also saw something that could be used for entertainment that would bring pleasure to me when friends and family come over.(now I think he did this out of guilt, because he was spending so much on himself he felt he had to even it up with me or he wouldn't feel right). So he spent alot of $$$ that day and it came from his acct. When one of his kids would come up to see him, the kid would lay guilt trip of not having gas so dad would reimburse him. (This became an on going thing with this kid, and it was like Dad, if you want to see me you'll have to give me the gas to come and see you this kid was not hurting for money, he goes on expensive excursions with his friends and buys fancy stuff for his car, and loves buying clothes, etc). Two years ago H was able to meet up with children after several long years (ex wife kept H from knowing their whereabouts (it was a $$$ thing, she needed the county checks)(I believe I am getting the grut of what she emotionally did to him, I feel he could hate woman for this reason $$$) So it became a little joke sonso is coming up he will probably hit me up for some $$, which he did every time.
(SAD). So this came out of that acct. So called friends and neighbor got in a bind needed help, he gave them $$$.
One time, I had absolutely no food in the hse, I had no $$ in joint acct (he knew this) so daughter in law (wisely) came up with idea to have a family dinner at our home and she would buy and cook the meal, this was her way of getting some food in here for me to have left overs during the next few days. Then she bought food so I could feed grandson for the week.
Well, that same week, H generously helps out neighbor with $100 bucks. out of his acct. I was spunned. i can't even explain what I felt other than I was deeply hurt and crushed and it sent a big negative message to me.
So you see, i have learned its a control issue for him also rebellion and punishement to me for not sharing hse with him, it is security and yes maybe he is saving up to leave. Put it this way: he gives me so much in joint acct to manage hse and monthly bills, food, and $60.00 for me to spend on myself.I no longer pay tithes because not enough $$ to cover them (so hes in trouble with God on that one not me, hehe). (our spiritual life is another story, thats confusing to me too). I am ashamed and do not call myself a Christian any more but I still do believe in God.
So he is in control finacially, but he feels he is still taking care of me as a husband should (he is supplying my basic needs)so Okay let it be, Im grateful and know that this will eventually end (that is why I have got to get unstuck and climb out of this hole Im in and get going to find a way to provide for myself).

Gosh, I have done a lot of long posts, whoa me, I know this sounds silly but i need help to get started. Where do I begin to get feeling strong again? Im a mess right now so insecure, so low esteem..........I used to be in some what control of my life, and was like energizer battery you knock me down I get back up and I kept going and going, but right now I don't feel that, im lost and just can't imagine how to or where to start in taking steps to get back up. i can't get the motor running again. im so insecure about so many things right now, I got to get going or Im going to SINK!!!!!!!!!!!!! This scares me,I feel like I just have my head just above water and slowly going down for the count i don't want to sink but I don't know where to begin to save myself. (if i can say it that way, I need help).
how do I begin taking baby steps to get out of this?

husband is coming home tonight. Mentioned yesterday about going to the show (one that I have been wanting to see) this very kind of my H (its makes me think he is thinking about me,he is being nice to me) but lately when he is nice to me, the next day or next day a blow out occurs. So I find it hard to emotionally get excited because I have seen past pattern, so therefore I can't enjoy as I should. Does that make sense?

Im so sorry for all the complaining and such long posts.
Im reaching out the only way I know how.

I am so grateful for this forum and all of you that reply your the only friends I feel I have right now. I appreciate all of your suggestions. Please forgive me for my comprhension (I know Im slow, but keep telling me (if you have the patience) I'll get it sooner or later. Please don't give up on me...........

justpeace - I want to talk to you about a delicate issue that you've brought up. I hope you won't be offended, as it's not meant in that way, but I'd like to establish something so we can clear the air on the topic:

You've stated that you're a slow learner. You've brought this up more than once, so, I'd like to know if you were diagnosed as a slow learner in school, is this something you've been told by family members, or is this your own opinion of yourself?

Justpeace,verbal abuse hurts just as much as a punch in the face. You know,you express yourself very well. My son faces ridicule in life too because of a medical problem. Do you have anyone that can encourage you? You aren't slow and neither is my son. You just learn differently and society labels you for that. Don't accept the label. KNOW that you are fine. I watched my son be ridiculed and made fun of by his former abusive boss. My son would always be so down when he got home. When the boss gave out raises,everyone got a 4$ and hour raise ecxcept my son. He got a .20 cent an hour raise and the boss ENJOYED the way his face fell when he saw it.
I spent a lot of time talking to my son about all that has happened in his life. I told him that he was worth far more then 20 cents and that this boss would some day get his. He ended up firing my son on some trumped up thing. He was devastated. I just kept telling him his BOSS was the one with the problem.
He has found a new job,one with a kind boss. He loves it. He has remarried after his tramp wife had an affair and told him HE was the reason she strayed,because he was stupid. I told him that was ridiculous. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do and SHE was responsible for her actions. 6 years later,he met a wonderful young lady and they have now been married 4 years. And his ex-wife's life is in the gutter,where she belongs. Her much older "boyfriend" did not marry her. He only wanted one thing. Being the slut she is,she gave it to him. They worked with my son and ended up getting fired for having sex at work.:)
Life is what you make it,justpeace. Verbal abuse is NOT acceptable. EVER
You have worth and you can find a job where you will be happy. It takes some looking but you can do it. DO NOT give in to his demands. Like you said,he is a child. It's YOUR money and he just wants to get his hands on it.
You can do this,justpeace.

i was told this in school, on jobs from bosses, and family memebers.
I struggle with this trying to find a job, and have axiety attacks when training on the job, so it makes it more difficult for me to train because I know they are ridiculing me and the pressure is tremendous, I have lost last two jobs because they didn't have the patience and time to train me, just said i can't do the job I learn to slow. i know this is hog wash but it does play on ones self esteem.

Iam not offended at all. It is a struggle for me. i can't take on high pressured jobs. I need the right training and then time to process it. I learn by visual and hands on.
Today, everyone wants quick learners, don't want to bother with ppl like me. But you know, once I get it I have it and im the best employee you could ever ask for, hardworking, dependable, multi task, as I get older it gets worse to comprehend. These days they train you so fast, they don't even give me time to take accurate notes, so how can I learn?

I have learned computer programs and its just that I need proper training and time. Im not stupid. My mind just processes information differently then these quick learners thats all, but Iam teachable Just have to have the right trainer.

Does this answer your question?
Can I ask why the air needs to be cleared on this. may I ask why you are asking. you have struck up my curosity as to your reason for asking.

Thank you jewelldy for sharing and the encouragement.
Im so happy your son is doing better, I know exactly how he felt.
no i really don't have anyone that can encourage me. The ppl i do know don't know me well enough to see this problem, jobs that I have had, there was a gentle ole sole that worked with me (training) so i managed. But now days, nope everyone is out for themselves. Employers want quick learners.

Hooray for you sons new life. yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO SHARE THIS WITH ALL OF YOU
I RECIEVED THIS BY EMAIL FROM MY HUSBAND TODAY (HE SENT IT FROM WORK) A CO WORKER FRIEND SENT IT TO HIM AND THEN HE PAST IT OVER TO ME.

GO TO THIS WEB SITE http://www.walkthetalk.com/dash-book-movie-gift-p-198.html LOOK WHERE IT SAYS SNEAK A PEEK THEN UNDERNEATH THAT IT SAYS WATCH THIS MOVIE "ITS CALLED THE DASH".

PLEASE EVERYONE CHECK IT OUT.
I watched and the river of tears started. It is so full of truth, but yet so sad what human beings do to one another.

Now I wonder what my husband was thinking when he watched it.
Im axious to hear what my husband says about it when I ask him.
I will definetly share it with you all.

After today I probably won't post until Tues, because he will be home tomorrow and the next day. So pray for some sort of restitution from all the fighting, pray for a peaceful two days he is home.

Let me know what you thought of the movie.

Yes I've seen that movie, and I did want to post it here at one time. I'm glad you found a way to do it, and it is worth watching and reading.

justpeace - The reason I asked is that I'm trying to figure out where your poor self esteem is coming from. I'm trying to get a grasp of when it began, and I was trying to figure out a way that you could build your self esteem and get back into the job market.

There are a lot of adults who have undiagnosed issues, like dyslexia, ADD, etc., and always thought they were slow learners, but they really just learn a different way. You say you learn better hands on and by watching. Has anyone ever tested you for dyslexia?

I am also one of those people who needs to learn by doing. I can't be told what to do, say on a computer, and expect to sit down and get it right. My husband, for instance sat at the computer and tried to show me how to download pictures from a digital camera onto our computer. I will have to sit down and go through the process myself several times before I get it. I learn by repetition and by doing.

When you said that once you learn the job, you are a good employee, it rang true for me because I have always thought the same thing about myself.

I wonder if you need to be more selective with what types of jobs you apply for. Perhaps working in a card shop or for a florist or something like that would be more to your liking. Stocking shelves, helping do things behind the scenes, may be better for you. There is a job out there for you somewhere. Regardless, I think not working is causing problems with your feelings of vulnerability and dependence on your husband, and that maybe you should consider what you can do about that.

* DO NOTHING*
Do NOT SIGN OVER THE HOUSE
1. You Need to make a PLAN.
2. You don't have to DO anything. Your H has dropped an ultimatum on you. He will leave or not. You have no control over his actions.
3. *Prepare* based on the potential that he MAY leave you.
I doubt he will.
Can you prompt him into becoming active at your church/counseling? Perhaps enlist the aid of the Priest/ Pastor/Reverend?

Your husband KNOWS what he is doing. It is calculated. He WANTS the house from you, for whatever reason. The REASON is the KEY to disarming him.

1. IF he wants only to bail on the marriage with goodies in hand. Cut him loose.
2. IF he suffers from an entitlement issue and feels he is a renter. Set up an airtight legal entity in which he basically cannot DO anything with / concerning the house without your FULL CONSENT.

By the way..."slow learner" my As*, WHO CARES what other people think?
Please do me and YOU a huge favor....FORGET THAT NOISE!!!
We limit OURSELVES when we buy into the negative feedback of the current blah blah. I may be getting older...but NOT any slower. LOL...more lethal perhaps...less inclined to give a rat's as* ...that be true.

Re: Making $$$: You are babysitting at your home already. That could be turned into a business [ under the table of course] Print out some fliers and post them at the church, or hand them out to frazzled looking moms. Gyms without daycare would be another spot...wherever frazzled looking ladies with screamers are standing.

Legalities in the USA for that sort of thing make it a problem to go legal...so...help your fellow wo/man out with out gouging them at the regular rates. <---those include a whole quagmire of BS which force the costs up...and make it harder for many to afford on a regular basis.

$$$CASH$$$ up front. No receipts. Can't trace cash if someone tries to blow the whistle on you. No large weekly deposits. Dribble it into your account. Heck, put it into your hubbie's account and then transfer it immediately to yours. Then play *stupid* when asked about it. their weakness it that they underestimate you...this is a GOOD thing..lol..

Just reading that^^^ I won't watch it. Thanks for the warning though. Already know what human beings can do to each other...sickens me when people are kicking and bashing people when they are down. They all crowd around like a bunch of vermin to get their bites in. PASS...but when I SEE it happening...I sneak up from behind with a crowbar and take a few out *grin*
Maybe not NOW....because you are dealing with ABUSE on the homefront. You have far more ability and tenacity then you are giving yourself credit for. Dishonest honesty tracking your hubby with the bank card? Is not a slow mind at work.

Have you STOOD up to him? Let him KNOW that YOU have had ENOUGH!!??

IF being married to YOU requires that I have to Put Up with YOUR CRAP for the rest of my LIFE.....the door is that way------>

Life is too short. Nobody is worth it. Nobody!

Soolee
Thank you for your concern and your encouragement.
I've also been trying to figure this out, and yes treatment of H doesn't help.




Card shop doesn't sound busy enough for this ole sole. Yes, stocking shelves after awhile boring (I have bad back and cannot stand for long, long periods of time (this would hold me back). Believe me Im thinking about all this, the job thing. I appreciate your help. I can do admin work (computer, telephone, office machines, etc). I have since found Im not very detailed, ( I wear glasses and eyes are not what they used to be, miss alot of detail reading, Im not good at grammer(for writing important letters,commas, quotes, apostrophe's, but I am a good speller, never did any scheduling,so never felt I could work for an executive. Math is very difficult for me, I have enrolled into acct classes (oh boy was that overwhelming, my brain shut down, i struggled big time with the concepts, i was trying to learn quickbooks which looks like a pretty easy program, i have the basics of it, taught myself and was able to use some of it on a previous job (temp) so I can't really apply for accounting. Although I would love to be trained for accts payable or recievable, I have sat with co-workers who do this and it doesn't look that difficult, with time I could learn this, all except that Im not detail and not that good with numbers. Although I have no problems with doing our checking acct or paying my bills and spotting a mistake on one of my bills.
I looked in at working as cashier, wal-mart, Mervyns, drug store, etc. Folding clothes would become boring, rush holidays would be very overwhelming, working nites (Im not a night person, body shuts down, Iam a morning person.
Not excuse, its just that there was a time in my life where I tried anything that I thought I could do I had some confidence in myself, today I feel very limited (Im older, body doesn't function as quickly as when younger) and because of bad experiences in job training I have developed the symptoms of struggling today in the job market. I also have a problem with over confindent bosses and co-workers who place themselves so above everyone else and they just step on you and ridicule and enjoy setting you up and then sit back and watch you struggle (drown). This adds to my fears so much..............i can't express it enough for one to understand. yes, I have some how got to get out of this hole (all these fears). I do appreciate your concern and willingness to encourage and help me through this. Thank you

Are you working, do you have to work?
what type of work do you do???

Oops I just reviewed this post. I can't seem to get that quote thing down very well. Didn't mean to quote what I wrote.
how do you do the quote thing? Hahahaha Training again.

I am working part time from home doing medical transcription. The training can take as quickly as 9 months. It took me 3 years. lol

And...after all that, I am finding this is not the most enjoyable job I've ever had.

My most rewarding job was actually doing billing and accounts receivable in a nursing home. I left because I found myself also being saddled with social work I did not have a degree for and therefore, was not paid for. Each job I took, though, was a step up for me in pay and/or benefits.

Accounts payable is something I don't think I'd want. It also can involve keeping a company's books - balancing the budget, making journal entries,etc. Not my bag. I would help A/P with their cost reports that needed to be submitted to the government, but actually doing A/P on a daily basis - nah. Every now and then I consider reapplying at the same place. Maybe down the road.

What you may want to try is taking out some career books from the library and taking some adult-learning courses at a local college, where people your age are dealing with the same issues. I think there's a book out there called "What color is my parachute?"
Here's the book.
You may want to read the reviews first.

justpeace, I see ladies who work going around to all the stores and restocking the cards, magazines, books, etc. That always seemed like a fun job. Get to know people all over, the neat gene in me would get to straighten out all those shelves every day, get to move around all day, make your own schedule.

My favorite job of all time was working in a book store. Loved it! I was constantly straightening up books, even got in trouble for doing it too much, lol!