SF said:
i DONT have to stay with him- even though my heart wants to- but i have to accept WHO he is.

He may change for the better. Pep said to wash the towel, and care for it. He very well may change for the better.

you are sooooo right- i have to decide what I want and if i want to stay and work on the marriage.

You do have choices. If you do stay, make yourself a time line. Determine how long you will work on it before you evaluate if you want to leave.

the problem i still have is that i dont have a clear YES or NO in my head yet.

Limbo......... is not a good place to be. What are the deal breakers for you? You should know what they are. That is, the things you need from him to continue. And, the things, that if he continues to do, will cause you will leave.

when things are going well between us- we are connecting and doing the MB exercises- i feel that i want to stay and do anything to work on the marriage.

But - when things are not going well- he reverts to his old behaviors- not following through on a promise- falling asleep on the coach when we didnt have our couple time- etc. - then i feel...that i DONT want to stay. those are the times i feel trapped.

Recovery is a process. From day to day it will be like a roller coaster. You should use two or three months to gage progress, not days or weeks.



i decided today that i am ordering the MB home study course...............do you think that's a good plan? have you done this course?

We have not done the course. We got HNHN, and LB's (two of Harley's books) and studied them. We filled out the materials from this web site (evaluations) and stopped love busting, and started meeting important needs. This worked well for us, and we are closer than we have ever been. However, both of us were on board, and wanted to succeed.
Harley's four rules are very important. He needs to be on board with the four rules.
Harley's Four Rules

also - i SO agree that the difficult times are the times that open us up for growth. i would never have known how lousy our marriage was or how my self esteem was so low- if i had not had to face his infidelity.

Your self esteem should be good no matter what he does. This is important.

It ought to depend on your moral compass, and your actions in relation to that, not on anything he does. The best way to feel good about yourself, is to be in the right place, at the right time, doing things you ought to be doing.

I do recommend Harley's materials. I would guess the study course would be a great help if he will work it with you. I hope and pray he gets on board and helps with all his heart.

SS

SB-

thanks for this explanation- i tried it with my H over the weekend and it worked wonders. its easy to see that words just flow from me- and he says TWO words for every one hundred expressive things i say.

i started saying things like ="can you say more? can you explain more?"

"do you mean... " and i word something and he says yes or no and changes it to fit what he means.

i need to face it- he is a very poor communicator. probably thats why we ended up here. if he could communicate his feelings to me- he wouldnt have had an affair!

anyway- now i have to think that it is like learning to ride a bike- like learning any new skill. he is getting better but i need to be VERY PATIENT.

i need to kindly say- " oh- i'm not sure i understand - can you explain it a little more??"

also - i understand about telling him what he needs to do instead of what he doesnt need to do... but do you think that i am being too much like a teacher/mommy??

its a thin line.

we read about LB this weekend and it has helped so much.

SF

SS-

thanks so much for all the help. i REALLY like the idea of a time line. i originally said i would give him one year after he confessed, but now it has been 13 months and i am still not sure.

i think the more my ENs are met,and the more my love bank is filled, the more sure i will be about staying in the marriage.

when my love bank is minus one million- i feel trapped again and remember all the pain of the affairs.

i also agree- i hate limbo. i know my deal breakers are if he would ever cheat again for sure. but he has already broken some promises and i stayed, so i cant say that one.


i think you are right - recovery is a process .... and as we get more into the Harley plan- the more assured i will be of his and my change.

we have been floundering with all different processes this past year and some have helped , but now i can see that this process is exactly the right one to lead us back to a road of marital happiness.

i also agree that my self esteem should not be tied up with him in any way. THAT is what i am working so hard to change - and i believe i am successful at that pretty much- but not totally. i am still a work in progress.

thank you sooooo much for your prayers that my H will work with a full heart.

this past weekend was soooo much better.

we read in SAA about spending all of our time when he was not at work together-and it has made a WORLD of difference.

we were living seperate lives. now we are learning to become a unit.

also - we learned the POJA- and that has made a world of difference.

today my H made a decision without me and i said 'what about the POJA?" and he said- " oh!! i'm so sorry" he recognized immediately and i think the next time - he will stop and call me first. it is a first step.

before he would have argued with me - to tell me that we already discussed it and had come to that decision -w hich isnt true.

anyway- i know it is one step forward and one step back.

KEEP PRAYING FOR ME, sf

pep-

so sorry to hear that you are in mourning.

i totally agree about the behavioral approach - rewarding the positives. i did exactly that today. too bad it didnt work today-this is a long story and i will need to add another post. i think it may be partly my fault.

but i DID want to say - thanks for all the applause.

i did the POJA with him and we are still negotiating whether to buy it or not. We are both not sure if it is worth the money over the books alone. H is going to call tomorrow to find out more info.


THANKS FOR OPENING MY EYES AGAIN TO THE TRUTH OF ME BEING THE A STUDENT AND HIM BEING THE C STUDENT. i dont want that to continue anymore.

i realize that i can not and will not carry the ball for both of us anymore.

just as he had a FALSE REALITY about himself while he was cheating- ( he actually thought he was a good husband and father and wondered why i couldnt see it)- he seemed to have a false reality about the effort he is putting in.

i gently showed him example after example where i was the A student and he was the D student. finally - he got it. ( i hope.)

anyway- thanks again for all the support, Sf