I am curious how many of us are on Plan B.<P>I am also curios to know how many on Plan B have already had the divorce filed.<P>How long have you been on Plan B and how is it working for you.<P>I have been on Plan B officially for two weeks (L gave my H the letter and he throw it on the floor). We are only having contact during the visitation of our daughter. The only thing we say to each other is Hi and Bye. <P>I am beginning slowly to feel better about myself and am actually beginning to not think about him. It is very strange. If we are to get back together, he had better make a move quickly. With out divorce in full swing and the way I am starting NOT to feel about him, time doesn't seem to be on our side.<P>Thanks for responding. Just needing some moral support.<P>c

hi cee cee,<BR>almost 2 weeks also...have been 'badder' than you because i have hugged him...he has come to see the kids quite a few times.<BR>i don't want this but in my case he just refused and refused to give up OW. now he is making some overtures toward giving her up but i don't feel its going to be enough or work. the ow is NOT done with him yet and he's not strong enough...<BR>i also have retained a lawyer and have signed my petition. it's being filed. he should get served this week. or early next week.

ceecee & KelStill, I have been in Plan B for 2 weeks. Husband moved out 4 weeks ago to live with OW. It's very tough, and he resents my not having any contact with him. I know I am pushing them closer together for now, but I need to survive. Our only contact with each other is through e-mail about business items. Our boys are teenagers, so he calls them directly, I don't need to be here when he comes. One reason I did Plan B was to stop him from dropping in and staying for the weekend. It would take me a couple days just to be able to function after he'd leave. <P>Although my heart wants him back, for the first time in 3 years of the on- and off-again affair I am actually getting mad at him and thinking that I might be better off without him. Neither of us has filed for a divorce. I'm hoping to stick this out for a few months and then decide what to do.

Hi Cheryl - <P>W moved in with OM in July. Been in plan B since July as well (3 months)...from what I can tell, it's been totally ineffective. W filed for divorce late August - apparently she's happy as a lark.<P>I, too, have been slowly getting better emotionally. I'm eating again, sleeping through the night (most of the time), and starting to look to the future with a positive attitude.

Iorana,<BR>You went to plan B to keep him from staying for the weekend? I would give my right arm to have my H stay for the weekend - right about now I would settle for him wanting to stay for 15 minutes! I really don't understand - so many people say they do better when they don't see their spouse, but the longer I go without seeing him, the worse I feel. People complain about how their spouse still wants to be "friends" - my H, who has been my best friend for 25 years, left and now he wants nothing to do with me. He is essentially in Plan B, except he will talk to me on the phone, but he is the betrayer, and it is driving me crazy.<P>cheryl - sorry to horn in on your thread!<BR>

Thanks for responding. I think that Plan B is difficult and it is nice to know who we can turn to for ecouragement-those of us going through the same thing.<P>At this point, I am not even sure I want my H back. He has made on attempts toward reconciliation. Our divorce is moving forward and so am I. <P>I think that it will be hard enough to start a new relationship having gone through what I have (all of us). I really can't imagine getting back together with my h, with all the background we have. It seems to have to much baggage. Plus the fact that my friends and family really think he is a louse. I think it may be to much to overcome.<P>I know that God works miracles, but I believe this situation have touched to many lives and it seems nearly impossible to mend.<P>I will us all the best of luck. I am feeling better, more confident, ready to move on. I look at this situation as a tremendous learning opportunity. What I know how, how I handled my life and my marriage, will be different the next time around (if there is a next time)<P>Keep getting stronger. Keep working on you. If our spouses can't see what they are giving up, that is their choice.<P>God Bless,<P>c<P>PS Nellie- You aren't horning in. I do wonder why you aren't on Plan B. It sounds like you are letting your h continue to call the shots. I know how miserable you are, but I do think you need to try and forget about him and move on with your life. There are better men out there. Your h may have been your best friend for 25 yrs, but he certainly isn't right now. I feel for you. I know this is difficult-esp. with 6 children. I am praying for you and your family.

cheryl,<BR>I can't imagine that Plan B would somehow make me feel better. Everyone says that you shouldn't go to Plan B in an attempt to change your spouse's behavior, but for yourself. Actually, I am not sure my H would care if I went to Plan B. No, he is not my best friend now, but that is not my H - my H may have been abducted by aliens, but I am convinced that he is still alive somewhere, though perhaps on another planet. <P>With respect to there being better men out there - maybe there are, but it would be unrealistic for me to think that there is much chance that I would find one, especially with six kids. I was trying to think of how many divorced/single men I have met over the last twenty years or so - and I worked for many years in a large organization that was heavily male - and I could only think of 2 or 3 between the ages of 30 and 60. Sometimes I am not surprised that my H's OW went after a married man, not that it is any excuse - she is older than I, has three kids, and there are not very many single men around here.

It sounds to me as if Plan B doesn't work so well for the marriage, but it sure does work for helping the betrayed (instigator of Plan B) begin to imagine, and plan for life without the spouse (which is the less-publicized purpose of Plan B).<P>Is my perception correct?

D&C:<P>In my experience and watching those on the board since December, I think Plan B does marvels for helping the betrayed find peace and rebuild self esteem.<P>Whether or not it helps the marriage varies trememdously. For obsessive affairs or when the dreaded midlife crisis is in play (where the infidel is incredibly indecisive about everything), I think it does nothing to help the marriage. In situations where the affair isn't the full-blown romantic fantasy, it's possible that the family-distancing is a wake-up call. For all others, it's just a question of waiting for the affair to burn out on its own weight. Harley told me that Plan B speeds up that process because the betrayers spend more time together in a more "real world". Since there's no way to measure this, it's impossible to say whether or not this is true.<P>But I do believe in an underlying assumption. THERE IS NOTHING THE BETRAYED CAN DO TO END AN INTENSE, ROMANTIC AFFAIR BETWEEN THE BETRAYER AND OP AND AS LONG AS THE AFFAIR LIVES, THE MARRIAGE CAN'T BE FIXED. Plan B makes waiting much easier and less damaging, so I am an advocate under most circumstances.

Nellie1, I went to Plan B after 3 years of doing what was basically Plan A. My husband's father divorced his wife and left his family when my husband was 14, for OW. To this day, his father spends every Wednesday evening and all day Saturday at husband's mother's house. (for the past 20 years there have been no kids at home) His mother never made a new life, and has become a very weak and indecisive person. This has been going on for more than 30 years! The father still lives with the OW. I don't want my H to get the idea that he can have 2 wives forever. I want him to come home, and it's very hard to do this, but the kids and I have to feel good about ourselves again, and get on with things in case he doesn't come back. (Thanks for letting me write this, I didn't realize until now how angry I am.)<P>

Plan B 1 week, I've done an absolutely crappy B. I've seen him more the past 2 days than I did before he moved out. I caved with relatives visiting. But I did bug out of the festivities this morning. Yes I spent the night with H & Kids in hotel. He invited me to, I wanted to. I had no resolve.<P>I think part of my problem is spending too much time in Plan A--somewhere around 1 1/2 year, give or take a seaon or two of lovebusters. Plan B feels like lovesbusting--a combo of Selfish Demand/Judgement/Thoughtless Decision to be specific. Am I just looking at it wrong?<P>Then, OW is not doing my H, but is dating H's housemate. H won't tell me if he's running into her or not. She's such a flooze.

Iorana,<BR>And the OW puts up with him spending all that time alone with his ex-wife? It sounds like the ex-wife is not the only weak one in that triangle. You said he still lives with the OW after 30 years - but you didn't say he was married to her. Is he? That is certainly an odd, and rather extreme, situation.<P>People keep talking about moving on with their lives - what exactly does that mean? What would I be doing differently with my life if I were in Plan B, except making the logistics of child related decisions much more difficult, and never having anyone to talk to about child-related decisions. I thought Plan B was for when you couldn't help lovebusting, and your "love bank" was drained.

ceecee,<BR> Good topic.I've been in Plan B for months(have'nt seen or talked to her since beginning of the year.I agree with Distressed.When your spouse is having some kind of"crisis",or in an overly obsessive passionate affair,your odds aren't good.<BR> Nellie1,I wish there was something I could say to comfort you,but I do know what you're going through.The reason I went to Plan B was to protect myself.My W was saying the cruelest things to me,and really putting me down.Telling me I wasn't"man enough"for her,like her young trophy boyfriend,and that someday,I would"understand".When I tried to be nice(plan A),she just belittled me even more.Between that,and her ongoing affair,my self-esteem and respect was shot.Now,with no contact,maybe she'll miss me,maybe not.But the point is,I am gaining back my self-respect.I don't feel like a doormat,trying to please her,even after she did the unthinkable.Now I can say"Who the hell does she think she is?"instead of"What did I do wrong?".I supported and took care of her for 22 years,and this is how she treats me?Plan B is to help you to survive.Moving on with your life is just that:surviving with,or without your spouse.My sister's H walked out on her when the kids were small,and she's survived for years now,and has become a very strong person.I know I'll survive if my W does'nt come back.Not very comforting words,I know,but realistic.Life just is'nt always fair.I'm sorry,Nellie,but hang in there,life does get better. --Murph

Nellie1, FIL and OW were married about 10 years ago, I think that she wanted to feel more secure about estate planning and wills (now her kids get something). In the 24 years H and I have been together, H only met FIL's OW 20 years ago, we've only seen FIL and OW about 15 times, for Christmas eve, once a year. H hates going to see them (1 hr away) and can only stay in the same room with his step-mother for 5 minutes. <P>I went to Plan B because I was starting to do lots of Love Busting in Plan A. I couldn't stop verbally attacking the OW, and telling H how stupidly he was behaving. I took one whole month to carefully, never love bust, and then calmly told him that I loved him, wanted him to come home, and wanted to rebuild a future with him. I felt I had filled up the LB as much as I could and I didn't want to start depleting it. I gave him a Plan B letter. I had been in Plan A for almost 3 years. It is time to protect myself from the loss of self-esteem and pain that he was causing. I really believe that I have shown him all the love I have, and I know he knows it. I really believe there is nothing more that I can do. He has to decide what he wants. As much as I don't want him to leave I think Plan B is better than attacking him and her, and leaving him with negative memories. As for the kids, H and I both agree on all aspects of raising them, so there isn't much to fight over.

<BR>Hi everyone-<P>Just wanted to add a few things here. I think , like most of you, that Plan B is not really what you would call a marriage builder. I think it is more like a self-esteem builder. <P>I am alot like Murphy. My h contined to treat me like a piece of crap-no matter what I did. My h had some VERY deep seeded issues, that may never be resolved. I am not on Plan B to get my h back. If that happens and I am willing to take him back, ok. But, I need to start thinking about life w/o him. Our divorce is started. I don't expect it to take much longer to finish.<P>My h can be a very wonderful man. Unfortuneately, for me and every other woman he has come across in his life-including OW, but she doesn't know it yet- he can be a king size [censored]. He knows exactly how to manipluate-how to place blame-how to do everything to make himself look like to good guy. He has been doing this for over 30 years. I honestly don't see him getting any better-his problems are too far inside of him and he had no idea that they are there.<P>Nellie- Plan B is not a way to get your h to change his ways. He may change, but you can't count on that. I think that Plan B would be good for you. It is apparent to me that when you talk to him, you only miss him more. I understand how you feel, but you need to take yourself and put her FIRST. You h doens't deserve you-he continues to treat you very badly.<P>I must say that weekends are the worst. Too much spare time.<P>How long does everyone plan to stay on Plan B? Just until you feel comfortable with yourself? I am giving it until the end of the year. I know that probably isn't enough time, but I will find someone else one day. If I do say so myself-I am quite a catch <P>God bless,<P>c

My H has, generally speaking, been polite to me since discovery. It was mainly before discovery that he had come up with a litany of reasons he didn't like me anymore. He still does his best to avoid confrontation, going so far as to spend good money to get his lawyer to do something a five minute conversation with me might have taken care of. He avoids difficult topics with the kids, generally, also - each time he has cut back visitation he has not come right out and told them he is going to do so. <P>Cheryl,<BR>Actually, I feel slightly better after I have talked to/seen him - I haven't spoken to him for almost two weeks now, and the last few days have been awful.<P>Murph,<BR>My sister divorced her H because of his infidelity, and spent the rest of her kids' childhoods in near poverty, stressed, and unhappy. After they all grew up, things started to pick up, and then summer before last, her youngest was murdered. She appears to others to be very strong, but she is understandably miserable. She told me a few months ago that I should enjoy whatever moments of happiness I could find, because there is so much sadness in life. <P>I am not sure I would want to be strong - so often that is just another word for emotionally hardened.<P>