Hi

I am glad your session with jennifer was good.


I dont think my answer on what you should do should matter. What matters is you and him have open communication of what is going on, what you are feeling, what he is feeling and act on what ever is mutually aggreable as long as it is in the best interest of both parties involved.

Yes it will take enormous patience on your part to allow him to recover from his own betrayal and that as a BS is hard to stand by and watch. At the same time there are 2 injured parties here and some one needs to be looking out for what you need from him in order to recover/rebuild your marriage. While you wait around for your WH to heal and he finds a way to allow himself to let you in his heart again, you will need to find a way to stay stong and motivated.

I think confirmation of NC is a great positive that you have going for you

Having never been a WS I cant see nor comprehend the depth of your H's withrawls. I feel empathy towards a WS struggles of "facing the betrayer" and the guilt and remorse associated with it. I just wish there was a better way in this process that did not put the BS on the back burner while the WS heals, yet again another "unfair" aspect of this whole recovery process.

You have Jennifer on your side and she is the "best expert" to give you advise on what to do for you stich. May be this is a question you need to pose to her and see what she says.

I wish you well and hope that you see happy days ahead soon.

thanks WMF,

i too think it doesn't matter what any of you have to say about whether i try to continue to meet my H's ENs or not...... it's what WE want and desire.....

maybe he doesn't want me to meet his needs..... maybe that would make it easier for him..... cause i'm workin by butt off trying to meet his needs to only be continually rejected by him.... YES IT'S HARD TO KEEP GOING..... but i'm determined to battle this storm till it's over!!!

yes, jennifer is great and i think she is helping my H. it's just so hard to sit back and wait (like you said, be put on the back burner) while my WH continues to tread water in all this crap he won't let go of.... his decision i know. but you're right, it doesn't make it any easier for us, the BS's.....in fact, it's never easy so how could it be easier....

i just keep telling myself that it's just the 'process' (i still hate that word)...he will move through this... seems like it's never going to happen.... i continue to walk around like a zombie because i'm so exhausted! exhausted emotionally which tires me out physically.... losing all motivation to go on....

i must daily lay my H at the foot of the cross and battle for his soul as the clenches of the devil are on him so tight! i rebuke him often....over and over and over again..... i'm not just fighting for my H and my marriage but for my H's soul!!

i can still only get through one day at a time......and it's usually the morning.....and then the afternoon that i look at getting through....can't think of the whole day. whatever works i guess....

well, i am 'low' today myself as my H seems to continue to push me away - - - however, i am so grateful for that hug i got this morning before he went to work.... haven't heard from him at all..... i slipped a card into his computer last night just telling him i believe in him...... wonder if he allows anything i do anymore to get through his thick bank vault that seems to be closed to me.... there must be a sign on the inside of that door that says 'do not take any deposits from my wife'....

yes, i'm sad but i have prayed and covered myself AND my H with the armor of God...... it's all i can do...... will keep my chin up as best i can.... if nothing else, when my chin is up - you don't notice my dark circles quite as much.... lol (gotta find some humor......)

thanks WMF.....you've been good for me..... i will work to pull myself out of this low!

What are some of the ways she is helping YOU ?

Hey WMF ~

a few things i am learning from our sessions with jennifer:

(doesn't it make you mad when you have a whole post typed out and then you do something that you have no idea what you did and it erases the whole thing!!) ug.

ANYWAY...

1. even though this is a very trying time we're in right now, it will be but a speck of time when we get to the other side....and yes, i said when 'WE' get to the other side ~ TOGETHER!
2. i am learning not to give up.
3. i am learning about my LB's and how to control them.
4. i am learning to meet my H's EN (even when (IMO) he rejects me)
5. i am learning to just be strong!

hmmm, i had 10 things listed before i erased it all..... i'll keep thinking. my brain is about gone these days...

6. i am learning it's ok to take care of 'me' and work on my own self (and still do things for others as well)
7. i have learned and come to the realization i need to quit my job at the office.
8. i know my kids love me.
9. i am learning to be confident in who i am and what i believe.
10. i am learning that i never want to go through this again - - EVER! and that now we must have boundaries and we must have EP in place to help us meet this goal.

well, that's all i have for now.... i am working on me... i know it's all about 'him' still and his pitty parties he has and his continual wallowing in his fantasy that keeps him blinded from the truth..... but i can do things for me that make it about me for me....i will wait for him to make it about me....but really, to make it about us!! i don't want to get drug down to the deepest part of his pit. i have to stay strong for us....i am fighting a very tough battle and i need my strength renewed every day.

thanks for your tough questions sometimes....let me know if there's anything i might have missed that you have picked up on or maybe that i might still learn... sorry to take so long to get back to you...

2b1,


You do need to continue to meet his EN's, even though he appears to not want you to do that.

See, he does want you to. It's sort of like having a chocolate cake in front of you that you realllly want to have a taste of, but you are trying to not eat because you have defiantly said to someone that you are not going to eat it and you don't need it. The challenge is artificial - you said this to someone, "I'm not going to eat it, I don't need it", and you KNOW IN YOUR HEART THIS IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. You really have no good reason not to eat it, except that you have said something stupid and untrue.

So you are faced with this problem, which is that you have to avoid the cake, which you really want, and are actually coming to need. The cake becomes a focus now. It is there in front of you, and you cannot think of anything else except that cake - and the stupid thing you said.

And you need to figure a way out of the situation that satisfies your need to save face

and eat the cake too.



So here is what you do, as his wife. You do Plan A. You place before him a person (the cake) who is irresistable. You show him your best you, you meet his EN's. You show him the person he fell in love with, except you show him something better -

you show him that you can change that marriage so that it is no longer carrying the problems that it used to carry


and suddenly, he is fine to be with you (the cake) again.

Because, after all, he can save face because YOU have changed. You have done the work to change the marriage, change yourself, and show him that you did what he thought you needed to do to make the marriage a place that was different and better.

He wasn't actually eating 'THAT' cake, now was he.....things are different now......YOU are different now......so maybe he can take a second look at this cake thing and maybe reach out toward you......



Someone has to make the first move. I know it's hard, but in many cases, that someone is the BS.

I know this cake analogy isn't perfect, but it was all I could think of right now. Sorry!


And for what it's worth, I think your H does want you to meet his EN's. He does. You both have things to work on, the things are just different. Remember, the WS and BS are on different timelines - focus on the one thing you control in the marriage

you.


Follow the plan, do the work you know you can do. The rest will follow. You are in the best hands in the business.


SB

thank you schoolbus ~

while i feel i am the only one that has changed anything about me and the things i 'used' to do, i will continue to change more. yes, i am completely exhausted, but i will push ahead!

something interesting my H said to me today.... i was asking him if he was sure about giving up the apartment cause it just doesn't seem like he wants to be here (home). this is what he said: 'my only concern is that you will get tired.' i told him i was already tired - - utterly exhausted, but that i was not going to give him the satisfaction if he walked out on me that it was because i didn't change anything or work on our marriage. i told him i haven't stuck by him the last almost 16 months (or 23 years for that matter) to throw in the towel now!

funny thing is....i told him i would not give up...that i would continue fighting....BUT, here was my thought later....if ultimately he decides he wants to be done with me, then he's done. BAM, he's gone. oh well, too bad for me..... pretty sad.

the changes my H has made are those to protect our marriage now from the OW (EPs). and while those are huge and need to be in place, he is not meeting my ENs which make it more and more difficult to keep a positive perspective on things or to continue doing things for him or meeting his needs.

i am meeting his number 1 and 2 needs the best. i am working on the 3rd one (conversation) but when i try to talk to him about things i get the shortest answer possible and the discussion is done, or he'll talk to our son instead. or, if i've misheard something, he'll correct me and be done with it.

he asked me recently what i was interested in.... i told him sewing (that is a hobby i love but just don't have time anymore - - and for a long time [13+yrs] our lives have been consumed with softball so my sewing machine collects dust in it's cabinet).

anyway, i told him since our lives were consumed with softball that i didn't know what i was interested in anymore... and when i told him i was having a hard time taking the time to learn about football and all the teams, etc. i told him i would have to get up earlier to fit in everything that i have to get done.... he said no.... i watch the news every day at least once, but there is never any conversation about it... when i'm fixing dinner, he's usually taking a nap. but in the evenings we watch tv together if he's not on the computer....

and do i have to be the one that has to start every conversation??? why can't he talk to me first or initiate a conversation?... i know, i know.....it's about him right now.... I GET THAT! i just feel defeated at every turn. BUT, i know that just means i have to work harder doesn't it...my job is not done becoming the best me i can be....one that he wants to talk to!!

i'll continue to work to become that 'cake' so that the desire is so great and wants to give in and begin to reach for 'me' - - i'll become as tasty as that strawberry shortcake serenade from cold stone that he loves.....

i will continue plan A and change me.... thanks for the re-focus on my position...

well, here i sit.....lonely and down today.... i know i'm being kicked not only by my H but by the evil one as well. i'm tired.

i am doing the best i can. i was thinking the other day that i haven't LB'd in a while but now i've LB'd twice this week! UG!(monday and last night) hmmm, pride goeth before a fall...

i don't know that my attempts to meet my H's EN are really making it into his love bank....or maybe they are but just not with the effect i'd like them to have - - or the changes i'd like to see not only in our marriage but in my H....

i know, i know - - i can only change myself! i know that. i'm just getting really tired from not only having gotten my heart ripped out when i found out about the STUPID A, but then to have my back stabbed again and now to be knocked down because 'I' can't do everything right or be that perfect wife for him because it's still all about him.... i wonder if he'll ever let me be that perfect wife for him actually. he still has OW on his brain..... and she's the reason for my tiredness. he keeps holding on. and naturally when i LB, it confirms in his mind that things won't change - - so he'd rather stay in fog-ville and hang on to his ridiculous fantasy rather than let the fantasy go completely and truly put forth some effort into 'US'.

maybe he gets some sort of satisfaction to see me utterly exhausted and keep being beat down by him.

he's not meeting my needs (which makes me wonder if he ever will again - - -maybe he's just biding time) so now we are meeting with jennifer tomorrow evening as well for about a half hour (we just met with her on tuesday).

jennifer said that if we can't quit saying "i'm not meeting your needs, but i'm going to" that she would start meeting with us twice a week.... well, maybe the real issue is he just doesn't want to....well, i guess that's the answer isn't it...cause if he did - - he'd be doing it! ????? (but from what i've learned in all the reading....that won't happen until he's out of fog-ville)

i don't know. i just don't know what to think anymore. i am reading the books suggested by MB and in reading on the different threads, my H should have been through this fog and withdrawal already. so why am i the lucky one to have a H that wants to stay in this fantasy world just because it makes him 'feel' good.....when is the day gonna come that it DOESN'T make him feel good???????????

i was thinking the other day....could it be possible to go into an EA after a PA even if the OW isn't participating in it?? it's all in his head what he dreams about and longs for... sad that he won't give me the opportunity to fulfill all of his needs..... well, actually that's wrong, he IS giving me the opportunity to meet all of his needs right now (for the most part anyway) the difference is that HE isn't meeting ANY of mine.... and i know i have to meet number 3, 4 and 5 needs too....not just 1 and 2 -- obviously that's not enough.

i'm just rambling and seem to be in my own fog today...i'm beginning to think that this is never gonna end and how much longer do i want to be slammed with rejection...

i am still praying for DAILY renewed strength and love for my H. i pray that he will have it for me as well... that he will take those rose colored glasses off that he views the OW through...put on some real spectacles that shows him the committed woman i am to him....the one that loves him and has stood by him for now 16 months of continual crap he keeps dealing me....and for the whole 23 years of our marriage! and that he would also see OW as the reason for his misery....'it didn't do for me what it did for you'.... that's what she told him. and yet he still holds on..

whether he does or he doesn't love me again, i remain committed to him - - till death do us part! i am working to clear the fog from my brain.

i'm pretty sure i will be joining the gym very soon. i told him in a text yesterday (which he did thank me for) that i was looking forward to having my own tone and muscles to show off to him...(and eat your heart out any other guy that would happen to notice them -- i love to realize that a guy is 'noticing' me and then very matter of factly put my hand in plain sight - - you know, the one that has that wedding ring on it - - the one that says I'M TAKEN!)...but, i can't even do that right now...i don't have one to wear... some day i will again.

well, i am at the office and have gotten very little done today. it's only 11:00 but i think i'm gonna just go home. i have much to get done there anyway...

i will work to pull myself out of this pit i seem to be in today....

some day, i hope my H will realize without a shadow of a doubt that i love him with all my heart - - and that i always have!....and always will!

i will work to improve plan A...do it better...and succeed! :-)

2b1again

Sorry I have been on vacation all last week( our lat summer hurrah) and so I have not posted.

I am not leaving, not yet atleast. I am ready to let go of my thread but not the MB forum yet. There is much I need to learn yet and stil need to lean on until I feel stable on my own 2 feet.

I saw you post on my thread so I just wanted to reply back to you here.

So how are you ? and what have you done for yourself today ?

You know,
I believe one day he will, just like one day Flick will. Its just a case of time, and faith, and perseverance.
NOT my favourite things BTW

2b1again
r u still posting or lurking around here?
been wondering how you are doing ?

Hey WMF ~

I'm here but very busy right now... i have a post started but need to re-read and 'edit' if necessary... will post ASAP..

glad you're still here too! :-)

Not having enough time to post is good. It means progess enough that you can survive without having to focus on this as the number 1 issue. Celebrate this milestone

As far as editing goes that went out the window with me when I turned 40 this summer. This is how I feel and thats that. No more catering it to the audience. If someone cant handle the truth (atleast my version of it LOL) then thats not my problem its theirs. I find I have much more energy now as I am not trying to stress about "what if I say this" or "what if he realises I feel this way". This is who I am baby and this is how I feel, take it or leave it or convince me its not so . I am so glad I am not 29 anymore and I am almost pissed that I wasted so many years of my life "editing my thoughts" .....sorry to take off on a personal liberation rant here :RollieEyes: