To be honest I dont know that I am that bad as a manipulator and controlling. A lot of my comments at the time of the post are based on what my wife tells me. I would suggest that if anything my wife has given as much as she as received.
Do you have any advice as to where do I go from here?

look at the title to your thread hamsp... cmon now, you need to regognize that when things get to the point where they are at now, it's not as simple as saying it's all her fault. the title of the thread suggests that you are capable of manipulating to get your way and it's probable that even had something to do with the breakdown of the marriage

there are many things you need to do now. depending on whether your state is no fault or not, you need to verify whether this is an affair. if it is, you can use it in court. if not, well at least you will know what you are dealing with. if it's an affair, is she willing to stop it? If she is tired of the relationship for another reason and there is no affair, what is it that she is tired of and what are you going to do as a couple to address it?

there is no magic answer

I think the best things you can do are:

1. Not involve your children. This means do not use them as messengers in any way. Do not say anything bad about their mother.

2. Recognize what you can do about the relationship and yourself, not what she is or is not doing to help fix things. You are the one who is here; she is not. Be proactive and be good to yourself as long as those good things keep you within your marriage vows.

3. Investigate and do whatever you can to find out if there is another person involved with your wife. Gather evidence, if there is any, keep it to yourself, and then read the boards here about exposure.

4. Because you've been together so long and have children as well, tell yourself this marriage is worth working on and putting time and effort into. If you drop out of the game too early, you may be sorry, and if you do end up divorced, you want to feel that you've done everything you humanly could to do keep the family intact.

5. When she comes over, make those visits warm and welcoming. For instance, you could have a scented candle lit on the counter, have some music playing (not romantic, but nice), try to cook with her and talk about her day (not about the relationship.) If she's open to hearing it, tell her a little bit about your day too.

6. If you think she would refuse to take part, print out the LB questionnaire for wives and fill it out as if you were her. Then use that as a guide to eliminate the behaviors in yourself that she doesn't like.

Thanks, I have already started to do some of the things that you have mentioned, especially not involving the children. I believe that my marriage is worth doing everything I can to save if possible.

I do have some questions about process. I am concerned about what to do in terms of a divorce. My wife wants things to move towards this as fast as possible. In addition I am becoming very concerned that although when she told me she wanted a divorce we would split evrything 50/50 and share the kids no child support alimony( she makes almost as much as I do) etc. I am starting to think that she is not going to make this a very fair procedure. Should I do anything to protect myself, for example file for divorce, file for temp custody or would I be better off just waiting and working towards my goal of reconciliation no matter what the cost.

I personally think there is nothing lost in making an appointment to speak with a lawyer. You certainly don't need to tell anyone you're doing it, and you would be educating yourself on the process. Make a list of questions and see what can be done to help keep things fair to both parties. Stress that you don't want to divorce and are working on reconciling but want to educate yourself. You can ask what the appointment will cost up front so you won't be surprised.

In the meantime, You also do not have to cooperate and make the divorce easier for her. If she is the one who wants the divorce, let her do the running, gathering of information, etc. You don't have to be a pr*** about it, but you also don't have to make it any easier for her.

In the meantime, I would remind her that you still love her, still want her, are working towards improving yourself, and don't want to get a divorce. Remind her that it's best to try and keep the family intact, for the kids' sakes and that divorce is drastic.

If it goes against your conscience to divorce, don't fight your core belief system by being accommodating. If she wants to separate and stay that way for a while, fine, but continue to make home a very welcoming place to be. Keep the house clean, keep conversation pleasant. Tell her you miss her and that the door is wide open to her, that you are changing your outlook on life and plan to continue improving yourself, regardless of whether she comes home or not.

You can also tell her that you found this place and that you'd like her to read about the basic concepts. (Print them out for her.) and see if she will take them with her and read them. This will show that you're looking for solutions.