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The idea that revenge can't "even the score" is wrong, and always has been. IMO, you're wrong. Yes, we all have opinions. Yes, IMO you always will be wrong on this point. The day after d-day, I called his wife. Informing her of the affair for her sake wasn't even a factor. I was ONLY calling to hurt him. I remained civil to her to help ensure she'd believe me, but all I was doing was striking back at OM. I even lied to her and told her "I thought she should know".
I couldn't have cared less. She was a tool I used to hurt OM. I am so glad I did. Wow, such moral fortitude. :RollieEyes: For all you know OM was having his own "revenge affair" with your spouse? So, you are espousing that what OM did may be justified if it was for revenge toward his own spouse. Revenge affairs don't "make it even" they hurt everyone, AGAIN. Carrying around resentment/anger doesn't "make it even" either, just hurts the vessel in which it is stored. The fact that there is almost no legal recourse for adultery in this country is an outrage...something that should get the religious right in this country nearly as riled up as abortion, but doesn't. Yes, it is an outrage! The religious right ARE fed up with this. They ARE fighting satan on many fronts, but it just so happens that their stance against the killing of unborn babies is typically what gets the press' headlines.
injuno
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Thanks a million!
I never really saw my actions as a display of strength, though. I've just been doing what I have to to get by.
I always felt that if I was truly strong, I'd kick her to the curb yesterday. That's how I have felt too. After some encouragement from members here though...I've started to turn the corner and now realize that I'm stronger for trying to recover. Recovery is after all harder than plan FU. I tried to convince myself that trying to recover took more strength, but in my case, I was fooling myself. I DID want to divorce her, but didn't have the guts to throw 13 years away, and to miss half of my kids' childhood. I just couldn't do it. I wish I could've tossed her out on d-day and never looked back.
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Revenge doesn't always even the score, but to say it never does is incorrect as well.
Find an old man in Hiroshima and ask him.
I never claimed to have one ounce of "moral fortitude". He deserved it, and his wife deserved to know. In that instance, revenge was actually the right thing to do. Not calling his wife would've been immoral.
Two comments about your last sentence:
First, I would bet a paycheck that members of the religious right cheat at the same rate as any other group.
Second, mentioning Satan is yet another way for a WS to avoid the full responsibility of cheating...literally claiming "the devil made me do it".
It has nothing to do with Satan, or any other supernatural being. It's all about keeping your pants on, plain and simple.
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Thanks a million!
I never really saw my actions as a display of strength, though. I've just been doing what I have to to get by.
I always felt that if I was truly strong, I'd kick her to the curb yesterday. That's how I have felt too. After some encouragement from members here though...I've started to turn the corner and now realize that I'm stronger for trying to recover. Recovery is after all harder than plan FU. I tried to convince myself that trying to recover took more strength, but in my case, I was fooling myself. I DID want to divorce her, but didn't have the guts to throw 13 years away, and to miss half of my kids' childhood. I just couldn't do it. I wish I could've tossed her out on d-day and never looked back. I did toss KMS out on dday...but, changed my mind.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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Well, at least you both know you have the guts to do it, should such a situation ever arise again.
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Well, at least you both know you have the guts to do it, should such a situation ever arise again. Not only would I do it again if she cheated...she'll be hitting the highway even if there is one more phone call, one email, one wave, one nod, one discussion about him with anyone (other than me) including her family. Basically any acknowledgement that he even exists (unless it's a conversation with me) will be a one way ticket for KMS.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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I believe that proof of infidelity should have a profound effect on any divorce settlement resulting from said infidelity. It should automatically negate any sort of alimony, and should seriously impact child custody and division of assets.
"Infidelity" should be an offical cause for divorce in all 50 states. No-fault divorce should not exist. When the divorce is final, the cause has been determined to be infidelity, and the betrayed spouse voluntarily signs a release.......
I'd be in favor an official, government-operated "infidelity registry", as opposed to the privately-run websites out there right now. Given the number of people who are negatively impacted by infidelity, from the betrayed spouse, to their kids, to their employer and their health insurance provider, I think a registry is justified. If your new girlfriend (for example) was a 3-time WW from 3 marriages, would YOU want to get seriously involved with her? Probably not. Rather than depend on the chronic liar for an honest version of her past, there should be a registry.
See? It possible to have legal recourse for infidelity without having two wayward spouses sitting in jail. The punishment isn't so awful that anyone would be "forced to stay faithful". After all, idiots will be idiots, you know.
Hitting them in the pocketbook, reducing or eliminating child custody, and informing the general public of their actions while helping to avoid future adulterous marriages is a pretty good start.
Those who shout about the "sanctity of marriage" from their soapbox should be in support of such ideas. I disagree with the "official registry" since we can't even get sex offenders to register all the time. Do we really want the government involved with tracking this type of activity. Plus I would not want to be on a list like that. I disagree (some what) with the no-fault idea. Marriage is a secular legal contract and some people just want out. No reason to restrict or force people to stay together that don't want to. But if you want the settlement bonus prove the infidelity. I do agree it should play a part in any settlement proceedings. But you do realize that if that type of law was in effect NO WS would EVER confess. Since it could directly impact them. So the burden of proof would need to be even higher then it is today. But overall a very good answer. Can tell you have thought about this. You did it again Krazy - you are my all-time favourite poster! Hu, your bolded statement is EXACTLY why Krazy is right.
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Plus I would not want to be on a list like that. Then dont stick any of your body parts in someone else, or allow them to stick there body parts in you wile you are still mairried! Sounds simple to me.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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You did it again Krazy - you are my all-time favourite poster! Hu, your bolded statement is EXACTLY why Krazy is right. I don't know how this is possible, but thank you very much! 
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Thanks a million!
I never really saw my actions as a display of strength, though. I've just been doing what I have to to get by.
I always felt that if I was truly strong, I'd kick her to the curb yesterday. That's how I have felt too. After some encouragement from members here though...I've started to turn the corner and now realize that I'm stronger for trying to recover. Recovery is after all harder than plan FU. Krazy and Intro, I too felt weak originally for NOT kicking FogFree to the curb, like I always said I would, but I've modified my definition of relationship strength vs. weakness over the past year. You guys have displayed an inner strength to stand up for yourselves. If we view strength as the opposite of weakness, then we have dozens of current examples on this forum of "weak" BH's who simply refuse to stand up for themselves in any manner whatsoever, and continue to serve as nothing but their WW's doormats. Comparing your ACTIONS to their INACTIONS speaks of STRENGTH to me. All 3 of us have taken some criticism for this display of strength that is so foreign to many of the BH's here, and misunderstood by many of the BW's and (F)WW's. We all question ourselves and our actions at times ... its only natural when you're sailing in uncharted waters, but FWIW, the two of you have earned my respect for the way you've stood tall and not broken under the weight of this shared nightmare.
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All 3 of us have taken some criticism for this display of strength that is so foreign to many of the BH's here, and misunderstood by many of the BW's and (F)WW's. not from me! 
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Thanks again.
I usually do feel broken inside, though.
Not shattered, because I can still maintain a "normal" facade...but broken enough that I'm not functioning correctly on the inside.
It's now been well over two years, and I'm a mental mess.
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Recovery is after all harder than plan FU. You can't say staying in recovery is harder in the long run, because you chose to stay. Your not living a life of plan FU. I say plan FU is harder in the long run. A broken family forever is much worse and harder than a recovered family forever! All 3 of us have taken some criticism for this display of strength that is so foreign to many of the BH's here, and misunderstood by many of the BW's and (F)WW's. You don't receive criticism for having kicked your wayward wives to the curb. You had every right to do so. The criticism is due to the flawed moral attitude that RA's may be OK and may even be good. There is no STRENGTH in having an RA, it actually show one's WEAKNESS and inability to have any more self control than their own wayward spouse.
injuno
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Recovery is after all harder than plan FU. You can't say staying in recovery is harder in the long run, because you chose to stay. Your not living a life of plan FU. I say plan FU is harder in the long run. A broken family forever is much worse and harder than a recovered family forever! All 3 of us have taken some criticism for this display of strength that is so foreign to many of the BH's here, and misunderstood by many of the BW's and (F)WW's. You don't receive criticism for having kicked your wayward wives to the curb. You had every right to do so. The criticism is due to the flawed moral attitude that RA's may be OK and may even be good. There is no STRENGTH in having an RA, it actually show one's WEAKNESS and inability to have any more self control than their own wayward spouse. Um...who said this?
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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Recovery is after all harder than plan FU. You can't say staying in recovery is harder in the long run, because you chose to stay. Your not living a life of plan FU. I say plan FU is harder in the long run. A broken family forever is much worse and harder than a recovered family forever! All 3 of us have taken some criticism for this display of strength that is so foreign to many of the BH's here, and misunderstood by many of the BW's and (F)WW's. You don't receive criticism for having kicked your wayward wives to the curb. You had every right to do so. The criticism is due to the flawed moral attitude that RA's may be OK and may even be good. There is no STRENGTH in having an RA, it actually show one's WEAKNESS and inability to have any more self control than their own wayward spouse. so, injuno, what's your story.
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Thanks again.
I usually do feel broken inside, though.
Not shattered, because I can still maintain a "normal" facade...but broken enough that I'm not functioning correctly on the inside.
It's now been well over two years, and I'm a mental mess. None of us are SUPERMEN ... we all have our own particular demons we're fighting. My respect for you comes from the fact that you simply refuse to be a DOORMAT ... you experienced a mental image that I can't imagine, but you have FOUGHT to retain your self-respect and IMHO, in that respect, you are a WINNER and should be PROUD. Look, I'm not the kind of guy who goes around complimenting other men on their manliness, but you've EARNED it. You faced HEAD ON one of the most humiliating circumstances I can imagine ... but you never shrunk from the situation, and in fact, ACTED from a position of great strength to defend yourself and your family against a VERY PERSONAL attack. Just because you are often misunderstood here, speaks much more of the limitations of others in not being able to recognize or relate to a REAL MAN when they encounter one.
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Thanks again.
I usually do feel broken inside, though.
Not shattered, because I can still maintain a "normal" facade...but broken enough that I'm not functioning correctly on the inside.
It's now been well over two years, and I'm a mental mess. None of us are SUPERMEN ... we all have our own particular demons we're fighting. My respect for you comes from the fact that you simply refuse to be a DOORMAT ... you experienced a mental image that I can't imagine, but you have FOUGHT to retain your self-respect and IMHO, in that respect, you are a WINNER and should be PROUD. Look, I'm not the kind of guy who goes around complimenting other men on their manliness, but you've EARNED it. You faced HEAD ON one of the most humiliating circumstances I can imagine ... but you never shrunk from the situation, and in fact, ACTED from a position of great strength to defend yourself and your family against a VERY PERSONAL attack. Just because you are often misunderstood here, speaks much more of the limitations of others in not being able to recognize or relate to a REAL MAN when they encounter one. Rev is right. You have showed a great deal of courage throughout your ordeal. I would have to say that if I had gone through what you did, I'd be serving 25 to life right now. You have done well to get to the point you are at right now. Good on you,and I wish you well.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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Thank you very much, both of you guys.
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You don't receive criticism for having kicked your wayward wives to the curb. You had every right to do so.
The criticism is due to the flawed moral attitude that RA's may be OK and may even be good. There is no STRENGTH in having an RA, it actually show one's WEAKNESS and inability to have any more self control than their own wayward spouse. You obviously haven't kept up with the context of the individual posts contained in this thread. If you had, you would understand that you are arguing against points that were never made.
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defend yourself and your family against a VERY PERSONAL attack. This is likely where much of the trouble lies. Why did they choose to attack me? Why did they choose this type of personal attack? In some situations it is much more obvious why than in others.
ME BH 40 - FWW 39
Sons - 9 and 7
DDAY - March 18,2006
Married 10 years
Recovering
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