Ok, here is the story. I have been married for 3+ years, and it has been nothing but happiness for me. A month ago, my wife came to me and told me that she had developed feelings outside of friendship for another guy, to add to the fire, myself, my wife, and the other guy work at the same company. In the last month, she has also told me that she has been unhappy for about a year, and that there are many reasons as to why. Some of the reasons are she feels that she cannot be herself, that she is co-dependant, she is a "doormat", as in she avoids conflicts at all costs, and that she want's to be "free" and independent. I'm trying to understand this, because never once since we have been together, has she stated that she was unhappy, and now I'm totally blindsided. My confusion is that she states she want's to separate for a year to "find herself", to become independent, to work on her guilt, etc. she doesn't think she can do it living with me. She has also stated that she does not want to loose me, I am her best friend, and that she loves me. Oh yes, this other guy the she developed feelings for, from what I have learned they are one-sided, and she says she just wants a friendship with him. I am confused, and trying to figure out what to make of this situation, any opinions would be appreciated!

Your wife is doing you a favor, she is telling you she is unhappy and another man is making her feel like the woman she needs to feel like. Listen!!!!!!! Stop and tell her I love you what is our relationship missing. Woman and men are different and you need to learn the differences. Do you tell her you love her? Do you make her feel special little touches and hugs? her desire will go away for this other man if you learn to please her, she is being honest with you it seems, she is frightened by the way the other man makes her feel. Do for her what he is doing and I bet that this crush will fade fast and she will see it for what is truly is just a guy trying to make his move. A good book to read is Hidden Keys Of a Loving Lasting Marriage and her needs and his needs. It seems that your needs have been met by your wife, you were happy but you missed hers. All the best.

This is the problem, is that she is a "doormat", and by that she avoids all confrontation when possible, and she has held so much in over the years. I tell her i love her daily, and give her attention, but lately, the attention is one-sided, I'm not getting much in return when I give it. I feel like the more I do, the worse I'm making things, does that make sense? I'm just going off of her body language. I does say that she want's space, and that's where it seems like maybe I'm doing more harm that good by trying to comfort her.

Maybe the problem is your not consistent in what you are doing for her, women like men to be consistent I do not know why but we do. This seems to be just a crush for her right now, but if you ignore what she has said to you it will be a messy ugly A. Tell me if you only got sex from your wife when she wanted something and a young pretty thing was giving you just attention for being nice what do you think the outcome would be? Your wife is being honest enough with you, she is afraid for the marriage and told you what she felt, sure your hurt a man is making her feel good and she has desires that you should be giving , you are the one married to her. You have a choice do not listen and a A may blossom or learn and ask what she is missing. It sometimes is the smallest things that will please a women, listen and do is the key.

Let me boil it down for you:

1. The honeymoon/infatuation part of your M is likely finished (it usually lasts about 3 years or so).

2. Your W(?)W is developing an infatuation for another man at the office. In fact, quite likely you're hearing only part of the story and it's either a full-blown EA or even PA at this point and either one or both of them are lying to you. Your W(?)W's comments about "needing space" etc. are red flags for this.

The solution is Plan A, followed by Plan B if necessary - see this site for more information. Stop with the "I Love Yous" etc, and concentrate on finding out and meeting her top Emotional Needs (ENs).

Oh, and either your W or the OM needs to leave the job. They cannot continue working together. An essential part of recovery from this type of situation is No Contact.

I agree that he has to learn to meet her needs, but she cannot quit a job every time a man makes her feel funny in a good way down below in her panties. The point is if he met her needs in the first place after the honeymoon period left than she would see this jerk at work for what he was a home wrecker.

Your wife is an absolute liar and she is now trying to distract you.

The part about the attraction being one sided is to keep you from exposing to his wife.

You need to start snooming ang do it now.

DO NOT get caught.

DO NOT let on what you are up to.

GATHER solid evidence. (digital voice recorder in car, keystroke logger on her computer, get the cell phone bill)

She more than likely has a toxic friend cheerleading and encouraging this behavior. Toxic friends feed on the drama.

Once full discovery is made and you have solid evidence, expose to the other man's wife immediately.

Exposure is like light to a vampire, it kills affairs dead.

Your wife WILL go nuclear, claiming that YOU betrayed her trust and that you are through.

It's the fog talking, the alien that has replaced her. Ignore it.

tiredandangry, go away. You aren't helping.

The assumption you're making there is that if the M was a happy one, his WW would not be getting involved with an OM.

Unfortunately, A's happen in happy Ms too.

This is not about a "man making her feel good in her panties". It's about how she is handling the situation, which is resulting in damage to her M. NC between her and the OM will reduce that damage.

Your thinking like a man, what a mans response give the girl some credit for heaven sakes.

I so hate when people come up that BS about "finding themselves" :RollieEyes:

At the very least she is having an EA. Work on her guilt of what? Marrying you? Leaving her best friend for some guy who she just wants "friendship" with? It will be very easy for her to have her fling with you out of the picture for a year. Your selfish wife doesn't want to lose you...yet. She needs a year to make up her mind between you and OM and hopes you are the doormat this round and will be waiting in the wings once she makes up her mind. If you want to save your marriage start snooping now. Does OM have a W? Since you also work at the same place, that may be of some benefit to snoop on them.

Tired and Angry,

This is not a man/woman thing, but a newbie vs. BTDT kind of thing.

MIM is not speaking from a man's point of view here but from a long time MB regular POV.

While all any of us really express is our own opinion, those that have been around for a while, have experienced an affair from one side or the other and have read not only the website but also the books generally have an opinion that has been modified by experience as well as an understanding of MB concepts and ideas.

And just so you don't think I'm picking on you, go back and read the early posts of many long-time Marriage Builders and you will see the same things repeated over and over again. We were ALL ignorant of what is the right way to handle an affair by our spouse when we first got here. That's because much of this stuff is counterintuitive.

Please read all the Basic Concepts if you haven't already done so and check out a bunch of the threads on the General Questions II forum. It might prove enlightening.

Don't go away. Stay and learn. We all had to do it when we first got here.

Mark

She mentions the guilt that she has done this to me, and that she feels an inch tall for it. She did mention that she did have an EA, but swares that it is a friendship now. She has avoided him at work as much as possible, or so she says. I have hacked into her email, and went through her cell phone and seen nothing that would make me upset, but she could have been deleting emails and calls as she goes also, that I'll never know. The other guy is not married, but is one of those "passive" guys who treats everybody the same, and this has been told to me by so many ppl here @ work, in that he does not have any feelings, and was just being a friend to her.

Most BS are in a bit of a fog themselves when posting to this site. Do take advantage of reading the quick start posts at the top of this here "Just found out" post listings.

This site will be your VERY powerful ally during this difficult time. Use it.

**EDIT**

Tired,

Your responses have not only not been helpful to VC but your response to mark could very well be considered a personal attack. Mark's post to you was not only respectful but he clearly explained his viewpoint and welcomed you. Seems like a post for the Mods to me.

God's Blessings,

Say

Whatever, I felt that that his wife was being upfront with her husband we do speak three thousand words more than men do. He has a choice listen to her and try to fix the problem in the marriage or do not. **EDIT** Well off to live my life take care.

Well, an update on things since I have last posted. My wife and I have had many talks and a couple arguments over this topic in recent weeks. At one point I made her upset enough and pushed her to the OM, she went to his place for an evening and had to get things off her chest, as in why she thought she had feelings for him, etc. I am told nothing happened, and as I've said in previous post's, everyone has assured me this guy is not the home-wrecking type, and I have to say I believe it to due to knowing him, to a point. My problem is this, she want's a friendship with him, and they've actually hung out together outside of work with groups of ppl, w/o me. Not to mention, they talk on the phone when I am not at the house. I have been checking her calls and text's, and she is not volunteering this info to me, I have to ask. She assure's me that it is only friendship, and that she has missed "social" life while being married, and now doesn't know if she is marriage material. Things are out of my hand and in her's, what do I do? I've been saving $$ in case the inevitable happens, is it good advice to expect the worst, pretend everything is ok on my part, and ride the storm out? What it boils down to is the more time I can ride this out, the more $$ I have saved to start over. Good idea, Bad idea?

What exactly is the home-wrecking type?



If you wants a D and need to save more you can stay longer, that's your choice to put up with W's A. If you want to save your M, then you can't sit there and pretend everything is ok. Do you own a home together? Do you make more than she does?

If you wants a D and need to save more you can stay longer, that's your choice to put up with W's A. If you want to save your M, then you can't sit there and pretend everything is ok. Do you own a home together? Do you make more than she does?

Home-wrecking as in he's not the type to sleep around. I do want to save the marriage, but at this point it is totally in her hands, she is not sure that she can be married and live the life she wants to live. She is wanting to have her cake and eat it too, more or less, as in she wants the "free" feeling to do what she wants, when she wants, and not feel guilty about it, but not necessarily to loose me either. She is confused, and has made comments about needing to get over me to be able to move on and be the person she wants to be. That's why I feel that eventually we are going to fizzle out, and wondered if the "riding the storm out" theory was wise or not. I make about $15k more than she does, and yes we do own a home together.

Well I'm sure most BSs didn't think their WS were the homewrecking type either yet here we are. You don't know what's in OM's brain. He's not the type to sleep around but he's the type that will let your wife sleep at his house and not tell her to go home and work on her marriage? Okay.


It's all fog babble. She is still in fantasyland about OM. If you want to save your marriage draw the boundaries and be firm. If she refuses and you just don't want to continue to get dumped on well then good luck to you because you deserve better than what your wife is giving you.

If she wants to "get over you" then help her and tell her to get out and call an attorney.