Trying...

My name is Sandy. I dont think Ive posted on his board before,( maybe I have but its been so long?) however I do stop by and read quite fequently.

I was so drawn to your posting as I believe we are pretty much in exact same situation. Wonderful, christian, man of God husband and father of 3 amazing girls. Now heavily into an affair with a co worker. Is now mean..very mean. Has very little to do wth girls. Blames me for EVERYTHING. I have just detached and pray.Know he is sick and had some sort of meltdown. Want to restore my family and am holding myself and girls together with love, prayers and a whole lotta counseling. My husband is a mess. And while I'm scrambling to save my family, hes just scrambling. He is not even a shell of the man I married. I would never have chosen an man like this! Its heartbreaking.

He has been in this affair for a year now. Hasn't officially moved in with her but stays at her house all the time. She is (BTW) still married with children of her own. Sigh. This is her second marriage, she walked out on her first and she has cheated on this current husband ( yes we have talked and actually become friends. weird. I know.)My old husband would never have given in woman like her the time of day in the past..now he's "in love".

But its the meanness, the coldness the uncaring for his family and the blame that most shocking....

If you would like to email me so we can talk..I would like that. I think we have a lot in common..unfortunately.

I'm using this time to grow and learn and teach my girls how to be strong woman of God.

I have a few women I talk to around country going thru same thing..we are not alone...as you can see from this board.

My email is sandyof5@hotmail.com. Please feel free to send me a note. I just felt a "connection" to everything you have said and are going through.

Your situation sounds very promising to me. Can I ask about the OW's fiance's response? Or have you talked to him? It's amazing that she is living with your husband and has a fiance.

First I would do whatever it takes to secure the family finances. You cannot depend on a WS to take care of his obligations. See an attorney to get child and spousal support ordered. That will throw some cold water on the affair.

My ex and I were leaders in our church for 15 years. And he actually had the nerve to show up at church with his affair partner. I exposed to the church and he was told that he wasn't welcome anymore until he came in and talked to the pastors. He never did.

His affair lasted 3 and a half years and ended just a week after our divorce was final. Then he wanted to come back, but I had moved on. The affair lasted that long mainly because I didn't protect myself financially so the lovers had plenty of money to fuel their fantasy.

Let your son and daughter know that you have a plan. Sometimes that comforts them. And I would spend lots of time with them and make home life as normal as possible. That is where I would put all of my effort right now.

Also I would stop reading his emails unless they are civil. You can let him know nicely that you will be communicating with him only if he can agree to eliminate the anger. If he continues, then change your email address and don't open his emails.

Wow your story does sound like mine. Sending you an email now.....

Thanks so much for dropping in. I was reading a lot of different threads where you posted. Great advice.

I can't believe your H walked in church with her? Yikes! What was he thinking?

There were 2 exposures. The first one I called him told him what I knew and hung up. They broke up H came home 3 days later. Within 2 weeks H had gone back to her had to kick him out for screaming at the kids when they wanted to go to the park. He denied he was back with her. Had him followed and pictures taken and asked him again if hes back the OW-he says no-I say liar check your email. I called her fiance and tell him now I have proof check your email. The OW had lies said they were just friends and swore in front of her parents too-that's until the pictures showed up. Her fiance left her last we spoke which was in May. So OW stayed in house for a month then moved to Irvine, which is where he and my H are living.

I have talked with a few attorneys-they are so expensive even for the retainer fees(I live in Simi Valley Ca.) they want about 3000 just to retain them and unfortunately I have been a stay at home mom our entire marriage. This scares me the most. He is still putting money in the bank. it's considerably less than what it used to be-apparently through all this he got a demotion since his sales were low. I was able to check his schedule for a while-he didnt know about it, I was given the info to be able to-and it looked like he was demoted to a commercial division. The attorneys I have talked with say you'll probably lose the house when you file. I think if I file I may actually get less than what he is giving me although I do not know how much he is getting paid as he is commission and it varies weekly.

My H said expected me to file right away anyways. When he confessed to me and left and came back after 3 days the 1st time he said well you didn't respond how I expected you to. You were supposed to get angry, kick me out and file for divorce instead you forgave me and asked me to stay. You messed up my plan and threw me for a loop. Weird.

He wants to visit with the kids but they are back and forth sometimes they are mad and don't want to talk or see him then they do talk and see him and they like it but they don't because he's not the same. Not sure what to do about that. H says I' a bad mom because I wont force them to see him.....all quite exhausting.

I also noticed, that a lot of people posting on the forum in the end had gotten divorced....kinda scares me a little. Seems like more divorced that in recovery.

I know I should probably at least know that although I am trying I may too. Hard to see life without H since 8th grade, but I know so many people do go on to live happy after just hard to see.

At least I think the important thing in the end for all of us is that we can go forward with a clear conscience know we didn't make any rash decisions and tried to restore our marriages and did all that we can do.

Lots of times the BS is the one who gets tired of things and files for divorce and moves on. That is why Plan B is so important - to protect your love for him.

The affair won't last. In a sick way it is good that they are living together, because the fantasy will end that much sooner. It is extremely hard to live with other people's kids. My ex and I raised 8 together, and it was exhausting.

So hang in there and have lots of hope.

Also you need to change whatever it is hubby is complaining about.

I'm glad you are paying attention to this. Looking at a posters signature line with their stats can really help put their advice into context.

Also, I do think a lot of people are so busy trying to recover their marriages that they stop posting on here. I personally know that the more time I spend reading on here the more questions come to my mind and sometimes that is not a good thing. My guess is others in recovery may feel the same way and stay away from here as reading about others in the same situation can be a trigger.

Keep in mind that a lot of people who actually recovered their marriage no longer post here either. Every once in a while someone from long ago drops by just to update those that still remain and often that update includes good or even great news about their marriages.

Considering that the divorce rate in the USA is about 50% anyway, the recovery rate of those here is generally a lot better than average with the estimated rate of infidelity in marriage at something over 60% according to most research. Latest numbers I saw indicated that 60% of men and 40% of women admitted to having an affair. With most people not recognizing an EA as an affair and considering that if only half the women cheated with single men rather than with those included in the 60% then the percentage of marriages affected by adultery could be as high as 80%.

Nothing unique about infidelity...

Mark

I had forgotten that you were both associate pastors at your church. And actually, hearing that again, I think his “meanness” makes even more sense to me.

James Dobson once talked about this phenomenon – that when a Christian strays like this, they have to work really, really hard to justify their actions, so they completey re-create the martial history to justify their sin. This is what Dr Harley says as well.

So think about this for a moment:
If your H had been a “bad man”” to begin with, he would have easily gotten involved with this OW, and just said “Oh well, that’s life”

But your H knows better. The Holy Spirit is convicting him like crazy. He is constantly bombarded with the truth. So he cannot just lie and say “this is not my fault – this is my W’s fault” So, instead of just lying about it, he has to make it true. He has to completely re-write your history, in order to justify this whole mess. And that is what he is trying to do right now. His anger is so HUGE that I have to believe his guilt, his shame, his conviction is also HUGE.

I have a couple of stories to share with you – but first let me tell you that I ended up divorcing my WH because I came to realize that he had not been such a good man to begin with. I hope that doesn’t sound to harsh! But after he left, I was able to truly look back and see that I had made excuses for his anger for years.
I remember one time when my first born was a baby – we lived out in the country, not close to a grocery store. One night we got home at about 9:00 at night, and I was getting the baby ready for bed. I knew that I had enough milk left in the fridge for 1 bottle. I changed him, put him in his jamies, and went to get the milk. The empty milk jug was on the counter, and WxH had just drank it. He didn’t usually drink milk, so this was odd. I said to him “Uh-oh. We are out of milk, and I still need to get the baby to sleep” and WxH got angry with me and said “I am more important than that little piece of $h!t, and I wanted it!” to which I said, “Of course you are more important, but I need to get him to bed, and that is the only way he will fall asleep. Now I don’t know what to do”
We were too far from the grocery store to drive in there that late at night, so I think I gave him juice.

Needless to say, that is bad memory for me. How can a father call his little boy a piece of $hi!.

After WxH left, he also sent me horrible emails. Told me I was never a good W. shouted at me in front of him Mom once saying “I have news for you – this is not the only A I ever had while we were married!” he told my own sons that “your mom was just never romantic enough for me” I could go on and on. But after he left, I started to realize that he talked to me like that for 18 years. I never told anyone else that he was so mean to me, because I always made excuses for his bad behavior. When he called our son a piece of crap, I told myself that he didn’t mean it – he was just tired. I have a million other examples. But when he started saying mean things about me to all my friends and family, I realized that it wasn’t something new for him – it was just out in the open now.

Also – when my WxH’s A ended, he did want to reconcile with me. We dated for awhile, but he would not give up “dating” other women. So I finally told him that he wasn’t interested in me – he was interested in being with ANY available woman, and he needed to just take me off his list of available women. He just said “Ok”. About a week later I found out he had been “dating” another married woman. She subsequently left her H, and the two of them are married today – and he looks even older now. I have no doubt he will end up divorced again. I hope at some point he does find Jesus. For the boys sake.

So do not worry that too many of these situations end in D. I come here to post because I have walked throw this valley, come out the other side, and the Lord had blessed me beyond belief!! I have a recovered life. Not with my WxH, but I am still recovered.

Hang in there, I see great hope for your M.

Hey guys did I also mention the OW is completely different from me actually opposites. In fact a few weeks ago my daughter said dad you went from gold to dirt, and he responds yeah I did. Mind you my daughter can hear her in the background talking to her son.

OW is the same age, she has been divorced. Was engaged when A started. She has 3 children. One over 18. The 2nd child is 14 but she has had to ship off the 2nd child because she is so bad and keeps getting in trouble with the law. And of course a son 9 who lives with them now. My children are awesome, well raised-of course a few rough spots because of this but over all great kids. They go to church weekly with no complaining.

From what I understand, being told by a mutual friend of both H and I, that this girl is bad news. Hangs out at the bar.

He had a friendship with her is what he confessed to me, that they had talked on the phone for almost a year. I think an EA then a PA. I think he deliberately chose someone who was a mess. Although my H outwardly looked confident, I knew he wasn't. Where I may complain about myself a little but inwardly I am more confident. Anyways me and the OW total opposites-total complete opposites. I am hoping this will work to my favor. She seems real unstable but he went through with it anyways. Her kids are a mess but he did it anyways. ?????

Yep. Typical.

Doesn't it help to know that you are not alone? That others have been in your shoes??

I think it may be a little bit of the "Knight in Shining Armor" routine.

It is all too common. I think maybe WH figures he will "save" her, and her children. He feels sorry for her.

But eventually, he will discover that the reason she is such a mess, and in need of so much "help" is because she has made so many poor choices over the years. And she will continue to make those same choices, because it is all she knows.
Heck, it sounds like she has all ready gotten tired of him - she let him sleep in his car for a month! (that just hurts my heart)

so, why did he sleep in his car, when he could have just sucked up his pride and returned home? He is still trying to prove that he did the right thing, that he did not make a huge mistake.
Not trying to prove it to himself necessarily - but to all of his friends and family who tell him he is an idiot.

This A will eventually fall apart. Most likely the OW will move on to her next victim.

gotta run - be back in a little bit

P.S. keep in mind, he is in the midst of an addiction. Just like alchohol, or drugs. So the whole "sleeping in the car close to where she lives" is part of the addiction.

I am half way through the book. I have skimmed through to the end. There are a lot of questionnaires.

I have heard about the letter that you send to your spouse acknowledging where you may have missed meeting some of your spouses needs.

Is this something I should do and even if he has moved in with her?

No skimming!!!

You need to read from front to back

The letter you are referring to is the Plan B letter. You don't want to send that to him, until you are ready to do a full and proper Plan B.

But you should find ways to send him little reminders that you are still his wife, you still love him, and you would be intersted in building a new and better M with him.

Promise I won't skip. I'm half way done. There are a lot of questionnaires. I should do those even though we are separated and he's with her?

Sure hurts to know he left me for a woman who is mess and even physically she's overweight. Wish she was a supermodel it would help my brain. {{sighs}}

From what I have read on here most people affair down, meaning they have an affair with a person who is imferior to their spouse. Trust me on this, it is not any easier if the OW is attractive. My H's OW works out everyday and if I didn't hate her so much would probably think she is attractive. Trust me that does a number on your brain and self-esteem.

Ok, here is a story to show you that your WH is not doing anything unique (Not sure if that is good or bad!!)

My WxH left on a Wednesday, he was quite happy with himself, and showed up on the following Saturday telling the boys hew as going to take them to a park for a while. I knew that this meant they would be with OW, but I was too distraught to say no. As soon as they left I had a complete melt down.

I called the church, told them my story, and said I needed to talk to someone. They got me in touch with a woman I ended up talking to many times – although I never met her in person.

And she tld me her story. I will call her Mary.

She and her H were very active in their church. Owned a business in town, 2 teenagers at home. One day, he did not come home from work. For the first hour or so, she thought he was just running late. After a couple of hours she started to worry about him. That is when the teen-age son broke down crying and said “Dad has moved out”.
She went to his closest – and sure enough, all of his clothes were gone. Apparently he had told the kids the night before that he was moving out, but they were not supposed to say anything to mom until after he was gone (jerk!!)
She called family to come over and help her – she was up all night crying.

Over the next couple of weeks she found out that he was having an A with someone from work, and he had moved in with her. (she later found out that this OW had an ugly past – which included living with another woman, as a lesbian, for a couple of years, and she also had 2 children from 2 different dads) they lived in a small mobil home with her 2 kids.

I hate to do this – but I have to break here!! Gotta get home and fix dinner

I will finish tomorrow. But know this at least – this couple is back together, fully recovered, and active in their church again.

Thank you so much for sharing. Yes please share the rest and more. That encouraged me much.

Wouldn't it be fun to do like a million man/woman march type thing but instead it would be against adultery in America. It's like an epidemic. Every time I turn around someone else is telling me they are going through this. But instead the marchers would be all the Betrayed Spouses in America.

I hate having more laws because in some ways there are already to many but I personally think that all the states should be an at fault state concerning adultery. Then we could sue the OW/OM for damages and so the betrayers would think long and hard about it.....Just a thought.

Thought I'd fill you in on my WH's OP...
Is divorced,has an EXH who hardly pays maintenance,has 3 teenage boys....
She has tattoos,nose and belly ring....is same age as me...lives in a counsil house.

My DS18 is a good-looking boy and he said that in the beginning she would compliment him all the time and he felt uncomfortable....even unzipped her jeans to show him her tattoo below her belly-button.His friend explained her to me as "the girl in your class at school that everyone knows sleeps around"Of course WH went and got a tattoo at 45yrs old!!
OP apparently puts WH on a pedastal..he was her boss with the bucks!!! Kids say shes irritating and tries to act like a teenager..

So you can see theres a pattern to the OP's in our WH's lives......

My WstbxH's OW is a real winner as well. Her story - WstbxH is the second A that OWH knows of. Likely there are more. OWH confessed that when they began dating, she had a BF - so she was cheating on that BF to date her future H. Apparently her sisters have similar histories. How does she do it? I guess she was better looking in her younger days. She's a few years older than me. Short. Probably around 50 lbs under weight. I've seen manb**bs that are far more shapely. She doesn't fill out an A-cup (and WstbxH was definitely a b**b-man). She's wrinkley and boney - and you can see this from a distance. She also has a 7 yo DD. I believe WstbxH is playing the "rescuer". I think that's what he saw in me as well - since when we met I had recently divorced XH and was the single mother of an infant. OW never spent a moment being single, but I bet she complained about her M to him for years.

I think the "rescuer" role is NB to them.
At the start of my H affair we were dealing with my DS18 severe injuries from motorbike accident(broken back,knees,ankles,femur...has 13 screws and metal rod in his body..kids call him tin-tin LOL).WH blamed himself for buying the bike and couldn't deal with DS18's injuries at all..he .was bed-ridden for 3 months,then wheelchair 2 months then crutches....

So what does he do???Plays the knight in shining armour to the damsel in distress!! while I'm trying to nurse DS18..