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Joined: Sep 2008
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Well, I'm brand new here...this is my first post. Guess I should have looked for this site a long time ago. I'll try to make this short, would love any advice. It's appreciated in advance.

I've been married for 15 years and we dated for 6 years before that. Yes, 6 years. Why so long? Because of DH. He just couldn't manage to commit and stay faithful. Hhmmm, big red flag huh? Young and dumb, what can I say. Married him anyway. I thought he had changed, thought it was all ok and we had our awesome son. Things went south from there. I won't even get into all of that, but let's just say we have differences of opinions on EVERYTHING! I thought that we were so much alike but really we are absolute polar opposites. I realized early on there's no way I could have more children with him because I could barely manage struggling through our differences with just the one.

Let me preface all of this with my husband works out of town, literally out of state really almost ALL of the time. He's gone more than he's home. The first time I started hearing rumors of him cheating on me happened to be from my brother's ex-wife who I don't believe a word she says so that worked in his favor. It kind of "stuck" with me though. I didn't completely dismiss it but with no proof other than psycho woman saying that I couldn't do anything about it. There's been a couple of other times too. Of course he always denies everything, tells me I'm crazy, you know how it goes. I didn't believe him all those times...just filed it away, stuffed it down, etc. Over the years I've been working on myself and working on handling our differences. Trying to work with them instead of against them. Know what I mean? I can't change him, I can only change me. So our marriage hasn't been what I thought I'd have in a marriage but I've been managing. I'm not a quitter. <grin>

Now, to preface a little more. We both work for my father. I run the office and he is a superintendent. So, 3 years ago I get a letter at the office addressed to him from a girl in the town/state where he'd been working. I still have that damn letter too. I'd been having really bad feelings the whole time he was on that job. I could tell something was up. He was giving me the same old lines, etc. It just never felt right when we'd talk. So, I get this letter. That was it. We had it out. Of course he denies everything still even with a letter from another girl. I told him I didn't care if he did, didn't, just talked to her, nothing. He still cheated on me, he cheated on our family. He had one day to decide. Us and counseling or move out immediately and divorce. He chose to stay and go to counseling. Even with that counselor he lied and would say nothing happened. Uggghhhhhh! We went for as long as possible. I thought (once again) that was it. He wouldn't stray.

Now, fast forward to 2 days ago and I get a message on our office telephone that he's been seeing someone where he's been working and she thinks she's pregnant. You know, honestly, I didn't realize until I heard that phone call that I realized how much of a wall I'd put up around my heart regarding him. My first thought seriously was, "Well, I knew that call was coming at some point." How sad is that? He happens to be home right now so I called him and asked him to come to the office. He asked what was going on and I told him that I got a message for him from his pregnant girlfriend in ___________. He said, "I'm on my way."

When he walked in the office I wasn't even crying or anything I just said I don't want any bs. I honestly can't handle it. I want the truth, period, nothing else. He said he messed up, it was only once (yeah right) and that he's known about this for 2 weeks and he's been sick about it. That she doesn't know if she's pregnant or not. He's sorry, yadda yadda. Whatever.

So, it's two days later and all I've told him is that first priority is a definite answer. Is she pregnant or not? There's no "thinks she is" That's a load of bs. I told him we'd have to go from there because I don't think I can handle dealing with him having a kid by someone else.

In all honesty the only thing that majorly makes me sad is for our son. He's 13 and I'm worried about him. He's such an awesome kid and so worships his dad. Uugggghhhhh!

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Welcome to MB. First off, I don't understand why the OW doesn't "know" if she is pg or not. Home pg tests are pretty accurate! I would say that is the first lie either by him or her.

Ok, next do you want to be married to him? If you do he MUST stop working away from home. You two have little in common because you have spent too much time apart! Dr. Harley says couples need to spend 15 hours per week of time together and that is not counting sleeping or with your children. If he is always working out of state it is no wonder you are in the mess you are in.

I strongly recommend you get Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs". I also recommend you try counseling with Steve Harley.

It sounds like your M needs a complete do-over!


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
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DS 15
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Yes, exactly about the first lie. I don't know if it's him or her but that's why I said...either she is or she isn't. He just said ok and hasn't said a word about it since.

Do I still want to be married to him? I don't know. If he would truly work on things with me, then yes, I want to still be married to him. If he's going to stay the same then no I don't want to. The problem is we've been to 2 counselors before and he always lies to them so it's like we don't get help. The first one he couldn't "snow" though and when the counselor got tough with him then he refused to go back.

Yes, I agree he's gone too much. We can't even work on our marriage, we can't even be a couple practically because he's gone so much.

I'll look into those books and will check into counseling with Steve Harley. I agree, our M needs a complete do-over. Thanks.

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Hi Sassy, Sorry to welcome you to the group. I myself just found out 3 weeks ago that my H has a baby girl with another woman.

I knew about the affair, but had thought it was over. This woman is bisexual, not that that really has anything to do with it. My point i guess is from what I heard about her,it seems to me that for the past 7 years she's been really getting around, with men and women.

My H also worked out of town, and came home on the weekends.
The affair started before he was transferred. Sometimes he wouldn't come home until Sat.afternoon, saying that he had work to do at the office. I think he had OW with him on Friday nights, then went to the office to call me from there so The number would come up on the caller ID that he was at work.

I told him there was no way we could work this out long distance, and that he had to move home right away and go to counseling. We have our first appt. on Friday.

I don't understand why this OW doesn't know if she's pregnant or not. You can buy a pregnancy test at the Dollar Store where I live. Sounds to me like they probably both know but he's afraid to tell you. Trying to buy some time so you don't take any action against him.

Believe me, I know exactly how you are feeling. It's awful!

You need to find the truth out right away, then you can make a decision. And remember, as many of the wonderful ladies on here told me, you don't have to make a decision right away. Do what's best for you and your son right now.

Is H living with you right now?


Me: BS-37
WH: 39
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Yes, H is still living with me right now. Didn't figure I should make any rash decisions until I had MADE a decision. Why rock our son's world until necessary.

Also, yes, H and OW know that she is pregnant. That was just the wording that he used. I knew better though, just needed the truth out of him of course which I still haven't received yet.

I'm hanging on by a thread.

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Take it one day...one minute at a time...

And take care of you and son FIRST.

Lord knows WH and OW NEVER thought of either of you...you are all that child has right now.

Trust.

Listen to your inner heart...it WILL tell you what you need to do. It might not happen right away, but someday soon it will guide you to what is right for you and DS.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Sassyscrapper,

Sorry you are here but know you will find a lot of great advice that will help as you embark on this rollercoaster ride.

Your comment...hanging on by a thread.

I know what that is like and please whatever you do do not make any rash decisions. Let some of the emotionos die down so you can think with some clarity. Also be sure to get counseling at least for your self. It helped me stay sane. I was so full of rage in the beginning. You will need an outlet be sure to find one you trust and use it.

I wish you well.


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DDay- 4/28/08
OC- NC
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I know what you mean when you say you feel like you are hanging by a thread. But you know what? with time that thread will become a string and eventually a rope.

I have only known about my H OC for almost a month. I am very calm now. I wasn't at first, but I decided I needed to keep my head on straight. I also realized that this doesn't have to be MY problem, if I don't want it to be.

I can make the choice on whether I want to stay in the marrriage, I can make the choice if I want to have contact with OC. I've put the ball back it my court for now.

I told H to NEVER underestimate my power. My father is a very pwerful man where we live (law enforcement) So I have many ways to find out information, and I told him that I will use that power if i have to.

You hang in there, I'm available to talk anytime. \:\)


Me: BS-37
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I like me some HurtMomof2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rock on!


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Thanks! Dealan, It's always nice to get support from other posters. I meant every word I said. I know where OW lives now, so it's a great relief that i know that if I want to, I can confront her on my own terms........If I decide to do that.

Just knowing I can if I want has given me great piece of mind!

Hurt


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I agree with the other posters: either she is or isn't pregnant and since it would be easy for her to verify which, then it sounds weird that she (and he) only 'think' she might be pregnant.

Also, your husband says he's known that she (might be?) pregnant for two weeks already before she left the message...
hmmm... sounds to me as if she wanted YOU to hear that message - probably to try to force him to choose between the two of you instead of getting away with more cake-eating? Or to cause you and your husband to fight? She is probably upset because he is home with you right now instead of with her.

It will work in your advantage that you've remained calm, especially if she's putting pressure on him and starting to make demands. BTW, how did he react to her basically exposing their adultery to you by leaving that message?
My guess is she's been threatening to inform you if he didn't, is demanding that he make up his mind and divorce you to be with her ASAP...or his wife was going to be told.

IF you want to fight for your marriage read about Plan A.
You will have to expose the adultery to your father - your husband's boss. Is she an employee too? Or a customer? If so expose the adultery to her immediate supervisor and company's human resources department too. You are also going to have to tell your son. Whether or not you realize it he most likely has detected that his father has a problem. Parents assume the kids can't tell but they can, they just are deprived of the info they need to make sense of it and to be assured it's not their fault.

Also, you will need to expose and deal with the fact that your husband is apparently a repeat offender - a 'serial adulterer'.
The problem is bigger than his involvement with this particular current OW. His pattern of getting involved with Other WomEn will need to be addressed in counseling. Even if he ends this relationship with this OW du jour, he still has a problem that needs to be addressed.

Have you been tested for STD's? Has your husband?

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Thank you for your help everyone. When I say that I'm hanging by a thread, literally I mean I'm trying hard not to just kick his a$$ right on outta here. The only thing that is keeping me sane is our son. I will handle the best way possible for him.

Yes, she is pregnant. When she left the message at the office it was for me. It wasn't for him. They had already argued (I've since found out) about her threatening to call me. He told her to go ahead. Guess she called his bluff.

Yes, I agree that they've been fighting about telling me, about him taking responsibility for her and the baby.

I've totally remained calm. In fact I think that's what scaring him to death frankly. Before I've been so hurt, that we've fought and screamed. Not this time. I'm totally in control other than freaking out about our son and what this is going to do to him.

How did he react to her exposing their adultery? Of course he called her a "b", said that she's exaggerating, he says it's only been one night, she says it's 7 months, she's lying, she's ruined his life. You know, the standard crap.

I'll find and read about Plan A. I've been wondering if I should go ahead and tell my father. He's very rational about things, he knows us both, knows about some of the prior stuff and has always just handled it with me and H. No, she's not an employee with our company. She lives in the town where H was working.

Add to all of this H got a kidney stone on Sunday. He's never had one before and it was really bad. So, our son saw that and it COMPLETELY freaked him out! He's never even seen H sick, let alone hurting like he was. It's been horrible as far as that goes. I had to rush him to the ER. Everyone's been calling and checking on him. I'm having to act like I care. Which, I don't like him being in pain but then the other part of me is like "pay back's a [censored]". Sorry, realize that's not nice but that's how I feel. Just sayin'

I've been holding off telling our son until I figure out what I want to do. Divorce or "dig in" and work it out. He's been so worried about H and his kidney stone, then this week is his first football game and they've made him the starting quarterback which he's excited about but at the same time he's worried about too. (He's a perfectionist and I can tell he's worried about not doing well.) I just didn't want to put this on him this week too.

Then the other night the OW's aunt and/or her too kept calling the house. We didn't know at first because I had the computer on (we only have one line, live in the boonies and are on dial up) About 10 minutes after I turned the internet off the phone started ringing. It was her or the aunt. I don't know which. The aunt left such a long message that it even cut her off she was still talking. Anyway, what I was most mad about is it was 11:00 at night. Our son was sleeping, he has to get up at 6:00 for football and here the phone is ringing off the hook. H started trying to unplug all the phones, running around the house. I calmly got up, went to him and said "If she so much as EVER disturbs this house like this again, wakes up my son, or EVER talks to my son it will be over in a minute." I told him that he had better handle that right NOW or I would and it won't be pretty if I do. Of course he was all mad at her too, but I'm telling you no matter how mad he was paled in comparison to me. I turned the internet back on so that the phone would quit ringing.

I talked with H yesterday about him being a 'serial adulterer' a repeat offender. I asked him what is the reason for it? What's his excuse? How does he justify it to himself? He couldn't answer me. I explained to him how last week a friend of mine who is going through a divorce wanted me to go to a bar with her. She needed to go out. I told her and truly felt it wasn't appropriate for me, a married woman, to go out to a bar with her. I told her we could do dinner and chick flick though if she wanted to. That's how I feel. Even though I would never cheat, I still don't feel it appropriate to go hang out in bars if you're married. So, how does he justify it?

I just seriously DO NOT understand. I really do appreciate all y'alls advice and talking to me about this.

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Wow Sassy! I think we could be twins! My H had a kidney stone while on vacation with OW. He came home to me and I had to take him to the DR.

I had already kicked him out a few nights before, when I found out about his secret vacation, I told him to come and get what he needed and when he got back (it would be Halloween Day) that I wouldn't be home, because I was taking our son trick or Treating at my Aunt's house. I told him to get the rest of his stuff and get the "F" out!!!!

I would definitely tell your father. You need support right now from real people (family friends etc.)

I told everyone and their brother what H did. Called his family, told friends. He won't even answer the phone at our house because he's afraid it will be my mother or father. He's mostly afraid of my father (who's best friend is an FBI Agent)

I promise you, you will get stronger every day. Nothing is really happening in my house right now. If I didn't know better, I would think everything was fine.

But I'm not dealing with a bothersome OW calling my house. I can only imagine the rage you must be feeling.

So what's the deal? Did she take a test or what? It is possible that she may not be pregnant at all, and is just saying this to keep your H dangling? Hoping he will leave you if he thinks he's going to be a father again.

Best of luck to your son at his game! I'm sure he will do a wonderful job.


Me: BS-37
WH: 39
OC born 6/08
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Ok, I've made a decision. I'm going to tell H that I want a seperation. There's just no way I can handle/deal with him having an affair let alone getting that girl pregnant. I have always told him that I couldn't handle that and now that it's time, I know that right now I can't/won't. He's continuing to lie to me. Continuing to say it was just one time. Continuing to deny other affairs in other towns. I just can't see continuing our marriage at this point if he won't be truthful with me. He says that he's completely sorry, really sees the truth now of what he had with us and how he's totally messed it up. He wants to work it out, but continues to lie. So, I just think it's best to seperate and work on things from there.

Opinions, suggestions....HELP?!!!!

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Hi Sassy!

I think you're making the right decision on asking for a separation. It doesn't have to go to a divorce if you don't want it to.

I'm sure that all his repeated lying is not going to make for a good reconciliation. Somehow (and I don't know how) you're going to have to try and get him to tell the truth. I would suggest a calm sitdown, with a promise that you will listen and not react until he is finished, or perhaps having a third party there, one that he respects. It will be harder to lie then.

If you ask him to leave, will he be upset? Or do you think he may go to see OW? I'm not sure if you posted this already or not.........is she pregnant?

Is he still working out of state, or has he taken time off to deal with this problem?

There is always counseling, if he'll go. If you read my post on marriage counseling, you'll see what my experience was.

It all depends on how YOU feel now, not him. If you want him out, then kick him out.......nobody will fault you for it.

How is your son handling this? Or doesn't he know yet? Kids overhear a lot and come to their own conclusions out of fear.

If you think it's appropriate, tell him what's going on. You don't have to sugarcoat it, or try to protect H.

I wish you luck, and I'm very sorry we are both in this horrible situation.

Hurt


Me: BS-37
WH: 39
OC born 6/08

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