Chrysalis and others,

I needed a break from the letters. They are crushing, nasty and very very explicit, including physical descriptions of me. I'm glad that the place I came up wanting was my soft belly and not something unfixable. It turns out the other man was physically very afraid of me, with good reason I am much bigger and trained. WW assured him that I am harmless and that she likes smaller men. That hurts.

I'm going to read it all but it is killing my emotions. Wife's mom called to make sure I'm ok, which I am not, she was kind and supportive. Wife now knows that her parents know everything, I screwed up by having her find out when she went over. MIL asked if I'm still here until the kids are grown, I said yes and that wife could come home tomorrow. MIL thinks they should give me another day. She was crying on the phone.

I'm really lost.

6,
It is OK to be lost right now. Normal. To be expected.

I think you are a really good man who wants to do the right thing.

Just give it another day. Don't do anything rash. Remember your kids, who are all still very vulnerable. You have been a hero for them so far. Can you do it another day? They need that from you.

I think you and your W would be so helped by a call or 2 to the Harleys.

6years,

I see somethings here that you may not appreciate. Your W did not have to give you those letters. She knew they would hurt her cause because they would hurt you, and they have. Her willingness to do this is a big thing, although right now I suspect you wished she had burned them.

Another thing you need to remember although it will not remove your pain. All WS in an affair LIE. They lie to their OP, they lie to their spouse, and MOST of all they LIE to themselves. Much of what you have read is very likely to be viewed as a lie, even by your W.

You would be amazed at the number of WS's that have come here and are totally shocked by what they had said to their spouse when the A was on going. It is like they have lost their mind and found one of a mean and spiteful person.

I would guess the feelings you read your W saying in those letters IS NOT what she has been thinking for many years now. What she did not understand is that while you had not read the letters you have felt the affect of them on you for a long time.

You will survive this 6years. I see a chance your marriage will survive, but it will only come when you both see it as a win-win to remain married. Right now you don't. That is no surprise.

Give this time.

God Bless,

JL

Dear 6years!

There are many people now here in this forum who feels with you at the moment. And there are prayers beeing sent for you as well.
You are not alone in your pain.

I want to address the 10 years of coldness you have experienced after the A.

Is it possible that some of this percieved coldness has been a miscommunication? It is very natural that the A has coloured yor perception of what went on. But, if I understand correctly what you wrote, there has been SF once or twice a week since about 6 months after the A.
To me, that speaks of a W that tries to work on the relationship!

Could you describe these 10 years of percieved coldness, and examine them for a possible misunderstanding on your side?

6 - I am so very encouraged by you and your actions. I am sorry for and actually feel your pain.

Just take the "next right step" for now and then another "right step".

Keep us all posted as it appears you are getting lots of encouragement and support from the community.

6Years,
JL already mentioned this but it bears repeating. When you read those letters, and when you recall them in the days to come, try to bear in mind that those are the words of a *wayward*. Reality is totally distorted for a wayward person.

Your children are old enough that you have seen some of them go through their first crushes. Their thinking is totally skewed. The object of their desires can do no wrong - never mind that they have body piercings, are lazy, and won't get a job. Never mind that they are too busy with their friends to remember to call and say they'll be late or can't make it. When a person is infatuated, they truly cannot see reality.

What your WW had, many years ago, was an infatuation. It was no more Love than a teenage girl's movie star crush. It was a high brought on by chemicals that the body releases when a person is infatuated.

Yes, reading/hearing those words hurts like you wouldn't believe. It's pure agony. But it is NOT REAL. It's a chemical high and it's fueled by an "us against the world" mentality. Best of all, you, the faithful spouse, get cast in the part of the primary villain because that helps their cause. It's all fantasy.

As you read the letters, try to remember the feelings no longer exist - they are years in the past. Even when the feelings were present, they were not based in reality.

Yes, this bears repeating. I can verify this, as a woman, that at least for me what I'm attracted to physically is very changeable, in the throes of the excitement of a new relationship. It is definitely due to chemicals and hormones.


Yes. Absolutely.

Remember, she chose to stay with you. She could have left, if you really were the horrible person you were painted to be. She didn't. You're not. She doesn't really think those things about you. She was under the influence of a chemical high, not in her right mind.

6,

I just wanted you to know how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation. Please realize that the pain you are experiencing is normal. Even though you have known for 10 years about your wife’s A, yesterday was essentially d-day for you. There is a level of pain that you feel when you suspect an A, but that pain ratchets up substantially when you have actual confirmation.

I would encourage you to take some time before talking to your wife and formulate a solid plan for your recovery. Recovery may mean that your marriage is repaired or it may mean that you heal personally to the point where you’re ready to move on and enjoy a fulfilling relationship with someone else in the future. But, none of that will happen without a plan. You have committed to staying for 6 years, so why not use that time to heal yourself and at least give your marriage and your wife a chance.

I have learned through my own recovery that the path to recovery is like a narrow ledge. There is very little room for missteps. I do think that there is still a good chance that your marriage can survive and flourish in the future. Your wife’s willingness to share the details with you and to even go beyond what you asked for and show you the letters is a good sign.

You mentioned that you were in the military. Why don’t you use a military approach to the next 6 years and see what happens. In any military operation, there are some key steps to being successful. A successful military campaign contains 5 essential steps. You begin by gathering intel, then you formulate a plan, then you recruit the appropriate resources and manpower, then you carry out the mission, and finally you debrief and analyze the results.

You have begun gathering intel with your wife’s confession and the old letters. Continue to gather intel by reading Dr Harley’s books, SAA and HNHN, which can both be ordered through this site. It would also be great if your wife would read them as well. Take all of that information and formulate a plan for repairing your marriage. Then appropriate the resources to carry out this mission like completing the EN and LB worksheets and setting aside the 15 hours a week of together time and maybe even calling the Harleys for some counseling. Then simply carry out the mission of meeting each others emotional needs, avoiding LB, and spending quality time together as a couple. After a period of time, you can debrief and decide if the plan is working or if it’s time to change plan’s and prepare for a life separate from one another. At this point, what have you got to lose by trying?

I wish you well with whatever you decide to do. Just remember that you’re not alone. There are many of us that have experienced the same things and we’re here when you need us.

6,

How are you today?

I'm at work, kids at school. I'm very sad or empty or something like that. I want to thank all of you for your support and kind words.
I wanted to make a couple of clarifications because I still need help.

After WW got over being dumped, I have not read that letter yet, she had a period of withdrawal 6 months or so. Then we went back to SF 2 -3 times a week, but it made me feel like a human dildo. She was not wanting me, she was wanting sex. I noticed the change a in June, which is why I am here.

She did volunteer the letters but something in the journal led her to believe that I knew she had them. I still have more than half of them to read. She is staying at her moms house. I'm guessing she is getting her butt kicked now that it is out in the open.

I am staying for the kids, I am the core parent in the family. I don't know after that.

It is hard, I know she wants me now in my mind, but in my heart I feel like I'm abandoned and discarded. Please tell me this will get easier.

I guess I'm bothered by the fact that she still has the letters after 10 years. Any explanation for that?

She is a pack rat, but it would have been better if she had said that she burned them years ago when she came back to the M.

It bothers me too.

6yl:

Why are you reading those letters?

I repeat:

Why are you reading those letters?

NEXT:

Do you understand what just happened?

Honesty = Out of the house

Ignore the issues = Stay in house for ten years.

Can you see that construct?

Obviously, she should have been put out of the house 10 years ago. That didn't happen. But now that the truth is coming out, she has to leave the house.

Not to say that at some future point you don't decide to PUT her out, permanently.

But today, right now? I would have her come home. I would STOP reading her letters and Burn them, WITH HER, tonight.

State simply that this is the first step to a better M. That relationship is in the past, and from the ashes of this, we will build something better.

Also, do not presume that her parents are kicking her butt. She's family. and they may support you, but sometimes, that support isn't what you think it should be. WW may just be having tea and cookies with Mom, and not even discussing it.

Make no presumtions. Ask for your MIL and FIL's support in fixing this. Nothing more. If they ask what they can do, make sure it is something that they would be willing to do. Many a thread around here of BS hoping/dreaming/counting on support from In-Laws after D-day and being surprised by the lack thereof.

LG

LG,

I have to read them. We can burn them together when I am done. She can tell me it was all lies.

I did not tell her to get out and that I hate her. I told her I needed time without her in the house to get through it. She knows she is coming home.

I know my in-laws, they are emotional people and I am sure she is not having an easy time. I am also sure they are trying to help her/us fix this, which is good since I am out of ideas today. Her parents are very judgmental and confrontational, when I'm in the dog house with them I know it. I'm keeping my parents in the dark for now, because they had enough trouble with me staying 10 years ago.

I see your equation but remember 10 days ago, seems like a year, when I came here. I was the one being dishonest.

Burn them - good idea. She should have let go of that relationship long ago. I really wish you would stop reading them. I'm just of the opinion that it's TMI - serves no purpose now but to cause you pain.

ChaiLover,

I need to see it all before I can hope to put it in a box. I spent a whole year as a single parent and another 6 months as a single parent and care giver for a depressed person. I need to know what she was doing. It might hurt so much that I can't heal, but I'll have the whole story.

At least I won't have to spend the next 6 months asking her a million times what happened. I've read enough of the BS postings to know that most of them would pay anything to have the whole story.

I guess I didn't want to know all of the details of what my WH and OP did (or do). My imagination took care of that very well thank you.

But, if you feel you must, then you must. Only you can answer that question.

I feel your pain......

We're here to walk you through.

ChaiLover,

You may have some wisdom on me but I need to do it. Thanks for your help and support.

There is no way out, but there is a way through, and it does get easier.

What you are feeling is the abandonment that was very real 10 years ago, and was as bad as it felt. But it isn't abandonment of today.

The suggestion about treating your marriage like a military mission was excellent.

Sit her down and ask her to work with you to try to build the marriage you should have always had. Tell her you have heard from others that it can be done even when things seem hopeless. Ask her to study and learn with you out of respect for what she put you through.

Feelings change. They ebb and flow. They are just feelings.

I think what you would like is a way to feel good about staying with her. But are afraid it can never happen.

If you and your wife follow the advice here rather than make decisions based on today's feelings, you will almost certainly recover a happy marriage for both of you. And you won't feel abandoned and discarded any more.

For what its worth - I would not have read all the letters. Perhaps a few of them - but not all of them
there are some words/memories that just do not need to be burned into my mind.You need the truth, certainly. But every little detail? Not for me.

But it seems to be important to you, and she has provided them, so I suppose if you feel it is helping you, then proceed with care.

But my 2 cents worth is this: you have read enough of them. Reading any more of them can not possilby help you, and would likely hurt you.

I want to make sure you understand something about forgiving her: forgiving is not the same as forgetting. You can fully forgive her. But that does not mean you will ever forget.

My teenage son once told me that he hated me, and my new H, so he was going to live with his Dad. He stayed with his dad for about 2 months, and then quietly came home. he has never actually apologized for what he said/did, but his actions show that he is sorry. I have fully forgiven him. But I haven't forgotten.
I am also pretty sure that during those two months that he was with his Dad, he wrote horrible emails about me to all of his friends. What a horrible Mom I am. I never read any of his emails, and I don't want to. Some words just do not need to be burned into my mind.

Just something to think about.

this will get better. Take everything one day at a time. Do not worry about next year, 6 years from now, etc. Worry about today, and tomorrow.

Oh - one more thing. Don't waste too much time worrying about how she can possilby make the proper amends. Hoenstly, I do not think you should try to keep track of evening out the score. She let the A go for too long, but frankly, so did you. you could have stood up for your M a long time ago and said "stop! I will not stand for this disrespect of my M any longer!! Quit cheating or get the he11 out!!". But you didn't, you swept it under the rug in the interst of keeping peace in the house. You were a single dad for 1 full year, when you could have told her after 1 week to get the he11 out of your house if she was going to act that way - and this may (or may not)have stopped the whole thing, and you would not have been the single dad for a full year.

Again, her A is not your fault. But you should not be set on making her pay you back for every day, year, letter, etc, when you could have thrown a wrench into her activites long ago.

I hope I am not out of line. I do not want to contribute to your pain, which I understand all too well! But I just hate for you to get too heavily into the whole "you have to make up for X number of years, plus Y number of months and Z number days"
You both will come into that scenario with differnt ideas of what/how much penance she needs to pay, and spend the next 6 years fighting instead of loving.

One simple apology from her is not enoguh, we would all agree with that. and you would not be able to build a solid M with just that. she needs to show, by her actions, that she is capable of being a loving, faithful wife. but don't get to hung up on the concept of
hang in there