WOF5,

I hope you are right. I'm not thinking of how I get repaid for every single wrong. I don't even know what compensation means in this case? I can understand monetary compensatory damages, but what is this?

It seems possible that I could get to the place where I'm just over all this and have moved on. I don't see how I ever get to love her again.

I guess what it comes down to is this:
You loved her once before, so you know that loving her is a possibility. You loved her before, you can love her again.

Hard to imagine, I know. You look at her and think "she is not the person I married, she has changed too much, her actions have made her ugly to me"

After my D, there was a time when my WxH was in between OW#1 and OW#2, and we "dated". I told him at first that I could not imagine getting back with him - too much had happened. But for the boys sake, I was willing to try. And after a couple of weeks, I started to get some of the old feelings back. I was amazed. I could see the possibility that if he continued to be a decent man, I would eventaully get that "loving feeling" again. of course, soon after that I discovered that he had several other women he was talking to as well - as he put it, "keeping all of his options open, just in case" So we finally parted for good, but I had no hard feelings.

If your WW has truly cut off all contact with OM, and she is not trying to keep all of her otions open, I feel certain that you will find love again. And now that you are older, wiser, more mature, it will be a sweeter love.

6years,

I've been here a long time, and in that time and literally reading hundred of thousands of posts, people seem to come in two categories. Those that don't need and cannot handle the details, and those that MUST have all of the details or they cannot handle recovery.

You clearly come in the second category. Those in this category often say, "how can I forgive them, if I don't know what I am forgiving?" Personally, I tend to be in that category.

Also interestingly enough there does seem to be a gender bias in this. More women seem to not need all of the details than men. Men seem to really need the details. I don't know why. Perhaps it is because betrayal hits people in different places and men being primarily image oriented need something to combat the images. Who knows.

However, there is something that I think you really need to do. I think you need to view ALL of these letters as a tapestry, sort of like point pictures used to be in the news paper. If you focus on the details you miss the big picture. If you focus on the commonality of the statements, how they are self-serving and justifications for doing what they KNEW was wrong, then all the details do is add some depth of the picture, ie (how deep into self-deception they really were).

When you get done reading them, think about what you learned. I am betting when you stand back what you really learned were the following points. Perhaps not, but I suspect this to be true.

You will have learned:

1. TO justify an affair, she had to make you the bad guy.

2. To justify an affair, she had to tell the OM he was better, in every way.

3. To justify the affair, she had to disconnect from the reality of the pain she was and would cause with her decisions.

4. To justify the affair, she had to blame you for HER decisions.

5. To justify the affair, she had to ignore ALL of your good points and ALL of the effort you made.

6. To justify the affair, you basically had to become a non-person.

7. To justify the affair, she had to ignore you, your pain, and the damage she was doing to the family and the marriage.

And in the end when the affair ended as they usually do, to protect herself, she had to back away from you or she could not handle what she did.

So all of the details sort themselves into these types of categories, and when you look at them they are all fantasy, all delusion, all self-serving. To over-simplify, this was all about her, and very little about you.

So take all of those details and see what the REAL picture is, not just where each of the dots lay.

God Bless,

JL

Not exactly compensation, but often a good step is for the WS to make up a list of extraordinary precautions that they will follow in order to protect the M, protect the BS, and make sure an A doesn't happen again.

6YL
I would wait on burning as they do count as evidence. Also if the OM is married now might want to expose the type of person he is to his wife. Likely up to the same sort of tricks again.
NJ

I'm going home a little early today. 2 hours in the gym helped me to feel a little better. I'm going to read the rest of the letters and then try to figure out what to do.
I'm also going to tell her she can come home if she wants. I think I might get sick again when I see her, I just don't know. I won't yell or call her names or anything though.

I'm going to go see a local counselor on Friday.

I've finished the letters, I'm emotionally dead right now. I just don't care I wish she would just go away. If it were not for the kids I would be gone this minute.

She is coming home tonight, I don't think I can look at her without becoming ill. Here are things I don't understand at all.

All of the reasons in the letters are crazy, nonsense. He was super needy. He was not very good in bed, since he keeps apologizing and promising to do better. Of Course, she lies right back to him and says I had the same problems but worse.

Why would she throw me away for that? The only things that seem true are that I had a little bit of a belly back then (6'3" 235 then, 210 now) and I'm too busy with the kids. The last one pisses me off, of course I am busy with the kids since I worked full time and my wife did NOTHING for the kids.

I thought we would not have to spend time discussing this after I read it all but you were right. I need her to tell me that the letters were all lies. Right now, I'm back on the 6 year plan. I won't LB, I'll meet her needs and I'm going to tell her what the plan is. If she wants a different plan then she can figure out how to get one.

How can I go to a place where she gets a husband who has stood by her through all of this, and she knows she can count on my integrity. I get to be the booby prize after she was dumped by a whining impotent little runt.

6

One thing to note - They ALWAYS AFFAIR DOWN.

Why? Who knows, but they do.....

Don't have a talk with her now.

You are trying to find logical reasons for emotional things.

It doesn't work.

If you try to make it work, I believe both of you will regret it. You the most.

I suggest you tell her something like this:

"I don't want to talk about this now, because it hurts too much, but maybe I will after some time passes.

Please leave me alone for a while, and we'll see how it goes."


This is the heat of the moment, you would do well to let it pass.


It is natural to want satisfaction - to say what you feel. It is not always the best course to follow. You are a logical man, you know this is true.

The high road always brings the most satisfaction in the end. I suggest you stay on that road. It is very difficult to gain the altitude back, once one has lost it.


Your feelings are important, I am not trying to discount them. However, feelings change.
Actions, and words, once said, do not.

I suspect your W would give almost anything to recall her words, and actions. Don't put yourself in the same position she is in.

Forgive me, for I can guess how this sounds to you. There is no good, or easy way to say some things. Please think on this before you talk to her.

SS

6,

The pain, the shock, the reality has hit you in the face head on. I am so sorry for your pain. I know you already knew in your head, but it becomes REAL when the WS admits to it. What you are feeling is normal and it's going to take quite a while to process what you now know as fact.

Try not to make any rash decisions right now.

Try not to "punish" her.

Know that A's are about the WS. They do what they do to make THEMSELVES feel good. Unfortunately in the end, it doesn't.

Know she didn't do it to HURT YOU. It was not an intentional direct assault. You were the unsuspecting victim that was hit in the crossfire.

I know you feel like she threw you away and trashed you behind your back...that's the nature of the beast. But if you can just take one moment to see that you have a WS who appears to be remorseful, has been trying to improve your M, and is now being honest about what took place...you have the beginning of R.

The choice will be yours...

No matter what you finally decide to do, I think your personal R will begin now.

(((((6))))))

Thanks StillSeeking,

She is home, I lost my dinner when she tried to talk to me so I'm just taking the rest of the night off from conversation. She is very very upset but I told her I can't talk to her right now. She was going on and on about how she loves me, I'm soo great, I can't hear that right now.

so I said I'm going down to my office, do not come down, I'll sleep down there.
At least she listened to that request.

Is it wrong to want a relationship where you were never cheated on?

MicheleG,

When do I get to feel good? Do you feel good, you are in recovery? I know I wasn't a perfect husband, I know that our life was hard. We were on the same plan, we both agreed to it, we had unplanned twins, life was hard. She took a break and it got even harder for me. I never took a break, I did the best I could to keep a mother for the kids, and now I am on empty. It more than hurts.

Do I just need to sit and let it hurt?

6,

Even though you already "knew" it, this is really your DDay. You're going to go through it as if the A just happened, not like it was years ago. You will experience ALL the pain and the all the chaos like most do. And to be honest, most take 2+ years to R.

You can feel better and you can be happy again. I promise. But in my experience it is easier if you allow your WS to help. This is hard. The last thing you want to do is allow her near you and it's understandable. But she can help. It is a fact that after it's all out in the open and the WS wants back in, it's the BS who threatens R. There's so much pain, so much anger...

My advice is when you have some control and a calm head...talk to her. Express your pain. Try not to lash out. You'll find that releasing your anger haphazardly will not be beneficial to YOU. The more you can communicate, the better YOU will feel, but don't expect this to blow over in a week. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Keep venting here.

And as I said before, don't make any rash decisions at this time. Feelings CAN change. I am proof of that as are so many others here.

I am now just crazy angry and about the most stupid thing. How could just do this to me and not even get good sex out of it? How could she tell him I'm impotent?

It's like I can't fit it all in me right now. I would be upset if he was great too.

One thing that is a fact...WS's LIE. They can never tell the truth to the OP because it's a fantasy. They tell the OP what the OP wants to hear.

And for women...most of the time it's not about the sex. It's usually about emotional intimacy, conversation, etc. They usually go to the next step (a PA) to keep the OP interested and meeting their needs. Whatever it takes to get their fix, that's what they'll do.

Did you say that you had read SAA? I know you've had this with you for years, but do you fully understand the dynamics of A's?

When you can grasp what they are all about...how they start, what keeps them going, how they end...you will begin to heal. You'll understand that it wasn't about YOU. It wasn't about the OM, it was about HER and the entitlement, selfishness and weaknesses that were in HER.

So when you get your details and you get the "whys" (hopefully she has figured this out by now), you will settle down and see what there is left. That's when you can begin to decide what you want to do.

I think enough things have changed in the last 3 days to knock your 6 year plan off course. And that may be a good thing.

6,

Try to get some rest, every little bit helps at this point.

Eat well if you can. You are going through a real trauma right now, so go easy on yourself. If things don't get done right now, don't sweat it.

This is the time to take care of you.

Will check back in the morning...((((6)))))

You are not alone.

6

Do take care of yourself. And remember, you are in the driver's seat. Not that it is a lot of comfort, but YOU decide from here on out how this ends. Take your time - she'll wait.

6years,

Did you read what I posted to you on the previous page? Please read it again. It was lies because she HAD to lie.

I do wonder if she had Post Partum (sp) depression after the twins. It is not unheard of, especially if times are hard. Some of the lies she told, you KNOW are lies and all of them are about you. Hang in there and really think about this.

She lied to him about things that were not even close to being true. She lied to him about things to justify what she was doing. I will repeat what I and others have said, it was about her, and not really about you.

Please take some time to relax and calm down. This too shall pass, 6 years. Give it time.

God Bless,

JL

As JL and others have said. WW's lie to have an affair. They can not have an affair without justifying it. Can't justify without lying to themselves, to OM, and telling lies about you.

There can't be an affair without lies. Why do you think your WW never wantd to admit to the affair?

One big issue was that she would have to admit to herself on all of the levels that she had lied to committ this affair.

Even though this PA happened, what ten years ago, your D day is yesterday. It is now officially new for you. To WW it is ten years old. This will make her react differently.

Recovery takes two to five years on average. You will be in such mental termoil for six months. This is why it is best to not make any decisions during these six months.

I think that it's wrong for you to hide and sleep down stairs in your office. Why? You about this affair ten years ago. You had SF with your WW for these ten years. I can understand you needing sometime to start SF again. But you have done a good job to not put up walls for ten years when you knew the truth.

Now that the truth is confirmed, you need to continue doing a good job by not building revenge walls now.

It's natural to want to get revenge. But revenge never helps healing. Divorce or not you will both need to heal.