Decided to delete this and not continue. I just find it too difficult. Sorry

Sounds like you are still writing as I didn't see any actual question in your post. However, I did notice something that could potentially cause you and your M some problems. It is the way in which you worded this statement:


I have bolded the key phrase. It is very judgemental to say one set of values is good and another is bad or lacking. They just aren't YOUR values. So from your perspective, it's true, they lack values. I'm sure his family doesn't feel as though they lack values and quite likely question yours. Such is life. It is better to say they have different values. This way you don't come across as though you are being condescending and won't put your H on the defensive right off the bat. You may in fact have far better values than they do but even if they are all drug-dealing serial killers, to approach it this way will not get you anywhere.

Thanks Tabby
I totally know what you are saying and I agree, I knew that when I wrote it. I'm just trying to make a point of difference.

You guys would benefit from a counselor of some sort, where you can air those differences and define how your marriage should look.

Take your time and consider that it may be useful to get it all out and vent. We'll need the story to offer opinions, and it might be good for you to get it out of your system.

Maybe it would be easier for you to answer some questions, and then as time goes by and questions are asked, you can fill in the blanks. For now, perhaps you can give us this information:

How long have you been married?
How many minor children involved?
Is there another person involved for either of you?
Any addictions - drugs, porn, gambling, alcohol?
Any police record or otherwise illegal things going on?
Do you want to stay married to this man?
Are you willing to work on the marriage? Is he?

Thanks Anyway

What we typically suggest is that you read about the following here:

1. Basic concepts.
2. Love busters.
3. Emotional needs.
4. Undivided attention.
(To start - there are many other articles, etc. that are excellent concepts to read about and adopt.)

You live apart, so working on your marriage is going to be difficult this way. It will be hard for either of you to show the other the changes you are making if you are forced to live separately.

Since there are no other people involved, no addictions, no abuse, there is really no reason for him to live separately if both of you want to work on the marriage. We typically only advocate separation if there is abuse or addiction. Furthermore, forcing him to live apart raises the risk that he will eventually lose hope and start to see other women, which would further compromise a reconciliation. Are you prepared for that?

How about thinking on this...you both invested a lot of your lives into the marriage, so it would be a huge thing to throw away. I'm going to guess close to half or over half your lives. That's a long time. You will still need to learn how to get along and be civil, regardless of whether you stay together or not. Your children will eventually,likely be giving you both grandchildren, which will make it very difficult to not see each other at birthday parties and special family events such as weddings, etc.

You seem ambivalent about getting back together, but not yet against it either. He wants you back together. I think these are good reasons to ask him to come back and live with you again, telling him that you will invest 2 more years into the marriage, using either MB principles, a marriage counselor, or both, before you make a permanent decision about staying together or not. A month for each year you've been together, and (at least) another month for each child. Just as a baseline. Two years of earnestly working on your marriage is a drop in the bucket, when you look at the big picture.

Think about it. The agreement will have to be unanimous - that he can come back if you both immerse yourselves in MB and/or Marriage counseling of some sort for (I'm saying 2 years, but it's your future.)

Editing to say I guess 2 years may seem like an eternity to you, but think about a workable time frame for both of you. Perhaps you could take it 6 months at a time. The thing is that you really do need to work on the marriage during that time, or you're just going to get more of the same. And the way to measure your changes is to fill out the love buster questionnaires for each other and later the emotional needs questionnaires plus spend 15+ hours a week one-on-one.

It's marriage medicine, my dear. This is what the doctor calls for.

Your situation is hopeful, and trust me when I say we've seen a lot of very, very complicated situations written about here that go on for pages, and pages, and pages. It wouldn't shock us.

I will leave my post up for a bit in case you are interested in reading it.