I came from a family of total dysfunction. It wouldn't doo much good to tell. Actually might be worse.

I have thought of telling only my sister. She has been through a bad marriage but she divorced. My family adores my H if I try to make it work and they "know" I don't think things will ever be the same. They may never accept him again. Then I have to deal with that.

No...then HE has to deal with that...not you.

I had pretty much a "Partridge Family" thing going on (until WW decided to screw it all up)...that ain't on me...it's on her.

It seems the more I hear at this point the worse I feel. I took in a lot at the beginning and was dealing with it. I asked for information then and gave me some but hid other stuff. Then I kept finding out more later. Each time I started to feel better I'd find out something else! My hubby seems to be a ses addict or something. He was very much into BDSM and liked a lot of sick stuff. It's one thin to look at porn, it's another thing to act on it. Knowing some of the stuff he did makes me sick. Really sick. I don't know that I can handle it all.

betrayed, you can't be worried about what other people think when you are trying to salvage your marriage. If people are going to thumb their noses at you, [censored] them. We have all probably felt embarrassed, stupid and ashamed for even considering giving our WS another chance. I wasn't going to hide my H's affair from our family no matter what. He has to own it and I wasn't going to make up anything to cover for him. My dad's first reaction was for me to pack up my stuff and kids and come home. When he saw that I was try to recover the M, he told my mom that he thought it was mighty big of me to give H another chance. You might be surprised how supportive people can be. If your family never feel the same towards your H again, that's his problem. However, I also will not tolerate my family or friends openly treating my H like dirt either.

As for knowing the details, I do think living in that house may hinder your recovery and you are not overreacting. Maybe in 6 months you'll have to look at how you feel living there. Hang in there.

"I don't know that I can handle it all."

You can handle this. Do you WANT to handle this?

Do you believe in God? Jesus? The bible as the inspire word of God?

I just found out that this has become a thread to discuss betrayed and not Idhawk -

Betrayeed - Have you started a thread that deals with the things that you are going though? It is ok that others have posted advice to you but I just got lost trying to figure out who was asking for what -

WOW!!! Thank you sooooo much, MelodyLane, for the link to "Joseph's Letter"....it is fantastic! I am very much in agreement with those of you who feel it's impt to know all the details. I had been trying to get them out of my H, but he would get so irritated with my questions because he felt it would "set me back". That in turn made me so angry b/c I viewed it as his own selfishness and lack of consideration for what I'm going through. That's the reason I initially posted this question here. I am one who wants to know every detail......I am already incredibly hurt by this, so I feel that knowing the details will at least help me understand it better. I then I won't have to imagine what happened....at least I will know b/c for me, the not knowing would drive me crazy for the rest of my life I think. Anyway, I copied "Joseph's Letter" and personalized it a bit then E-mailed it to my H. It made all the difference in the world!! He came to me and said, "Wow, I can finally see why it's impt for you to know all the details." So he has now allowed me to ask anything and has been willing to really discuss it. It has been the first sign that we may have some hope. He said he didn't want to talk about it at first b/c he just didn't want to have to deal with all that. I said too bad, that's part of the consequences of your choice. I feel that admiting to all the details and having to tell me about it all is part of the accountability he owes me and part of him having to really accept what he did. He agreed. I explained to him that if we're really going to get healthy and be able to recover, all the facts need to be on the table so we know what we're dealing with and can go into it or not without any misconceptions. Some of you have said the same thing and I totally agree. The only thing I fear a little is that even in giving the details he may not be telling the truth.......I don't want him to be just humoring me. That was another excuse he used in the beginning for not wanting to tell me everything...he said, "Everything I say to you is a lie anyway in your mind, so why would you believe my answers to your questions?" But after reading Joseph's Letter, his whole attitude changed and he has just become so much more open and not angry. After having really gone through the whole thing from beginning to end he says he actually feels much better now that EVERYTHING is out. His mood has changed and I think he has a lot more hope now too. Yes the details are painful, but the not knowing and trying to go forward with someone unwilling to be open and honest....completely transparent.....is more painful and is setting yourself up for possible failure IMO.

ldawk,

Just as an example for you, concerning details.

Last night I asked some more questions about my WW's affair. I was trying to see if there was any sort of consistency with her relationship with OM as compaired to ours. One thing that we enjoyed from the start of our relationship was showering/bathing together. Last night I found out that she did indeed jump into the shower with him (he was showering after sex...she decided to surprise him by joining him in the shower). Does this hurt?....f#ck ya. Did it make me cry?....f#ck ya. Did I have to sleep on the couch, because I didn't want to share a bed with my wife?....f@ck ya.

Do I regret asking the question?....f#ck no.

I so agree with this. It has helped me so much now that I know all the details and the whole story. Yes, the details are extremely painful, but my H's finally being willing to really talk to me about it and be open with all of it has made a huge difference in the way I see him. What he did was horrible, yet how he is now so willing to really take responsibility for it and wanting to figure out what got him to that point changes the whole dynamic between us. Before knowing the details this was impossible for me to see how we could R, now I have some hope.

introvert,

I can relate. When my H shared details about how it got started and what the rendevous was like, it so reminded me of the beginning of our relationship.......almost identical. Only we were in high school and he's now 41! It is very painful to think that special moments with your spouse are tarnished by the fact that he/she did the same thing with someone else. On the flipside, I find myself wondering when he asks me to do certain things or wishes I was a certain way, or in the past asked me to wear certain things, was it because she did that for him and was he wishing I was more like her? I question everything now which is sad to me, but I'm hoping that eventually the whole comparing thing will fade. I just let him know what I'm thinking now......everything....I don't hold anything back. I think it lets him know where I'm at mentally/emotionally and it also lets him see just how damaging his actions were. And like you, I have absolutely no regrets about knowing all the details. I finally feel like a weight is off my shoulders. It is what it is and now that I actually KNOW what it is I can start to deal with it.

introvert,

btw, I forgot to tell you that I loved your flat tire analogy.....very well-said.

I'm so sorry to take over the thread. I will post my own. Sorry Idhawk. I just felt so much like you are and I related to the same subject of knowing all the details etc.

Idawk and Introvert,
I just wanna make one more comment on the "asking questions" thing because I did last night. I found out that this whole thing started almost 6 years ago. I wasn't sure before but I am now sure that he's a sex addict. He says it all started just "looking" at porn but then it grew bigger and bigger until he was joing groups and going to BDSM parties. My H met with women, went to clubs, did all kinds of horrible things. I didn't actually ask much more than was it anal or vaginal sex and I know oral was involved etc. I don't need too many pictures...I got the point of it all now. I don't know how many women he's been with over the past 6 years. I doubt he even knows. The big question is now, what do I do? This changes a lot. I will post more on another thread on how I feel but it just goes to show how important information is. I was also very hurt by hearing it all but I don't regret asking the questions. I need to know. Hope that helped.

Betrayed..
Where are you going to post? IF indeed it is a sex addiction, there are bunch of resources I can give you to help you and your husband (if he wants it) through your journey.

If your husband is an addict and he really wants help and chooses a therapist, please make sure that he sees a sex addiction therapist. If none are available, then he should see an addiction therapist. Not all mainstream therapists believe sex addiction/compulsion/whatever you'd like to label it exists. Some inexperienced therapists may tell you that YOU need to loosen up in the bedroom, which won't help IF your husband is a sex addict.

For me, just by the fact of merely knowing my H was involved with someone else, I'm already dealing with comparison issues about EVERYTHING....not just the sex. Now that I know all the details about the whole thing.......how they met, how it progressed, what they talked about, what kinds of things they did together, how and where they would meet, how often, etc., I can at least have the clear picture of what went on and I don't have to guess or wonder or create all kinds of scenarios that would be swirling in my head anyway. For me the knowing the truth is what's important and my H admitting to the truth and facing all the ugliness of it openly with me is what I needed. I am very glad that my H was finally willing to talk so openly about it. Had he not, I don't think I could take any steps toward R. Before he was willing to talk, I felt like that if he wasn't even willing to face square on what he did and admit to all of it, how in the world would he be able to face all the work required for true R? I felt that he couldn't just pick and choose what he wanted to face and work on (what was comfortable for him).....he has to face ALL of it and take responsibility for it. Bottom line, imo, it's better to move forward on a foundation of truth then to always have questions in the back of your mind. Lies are what enabled the whole A to take place and stay hidden.......I don't want to move forward with any lies or anything hidden b/c I think it would come out later and then be even more destructive.

betrayed mom,

It totally doesn't bother me to have you post on my thread......I'm very interested in your journey as well. It's all related to the same topic, knowing details, but I'm new to this too so if others with more experience feel it's not appropriate then that's ok. I want to make sure I'm following the rules with this whole process too.

Thank you. I would like that info. I posted on Recovery. I don't know if it belongs there but I'm trying to recover so....

H is going to see a sex therapist. He also went to the Recovery group at church. At the least he needs to do this for our children. Our relationship is up in the air. I love him but...well just read the post.

thanks Idawk,

I was thinking of asking my H to put some of it in writing if possible. I want a timeline of events. Where he went, what he did etc. Maybe not explict details but how many women etc...
I still feel like he's holding back some. I really grilled him about a woman he was seeing like 5 years ago. I overheard a conversation he had with her and I have reason to believe there is more to the story he's giving me. I'm pretty sure I heard him say to her that "She doesn't know we were lovers and doesn't need to". At least that's what it sounded like. He had a cd of pics of her. She's a um..."model" ofo sorts AHEM! COUGH!
He was looking at her and I'm guessing masterbating to those pic. Why else would he have had them and kept them?
I just want him to confess it all. I need to know.

Also writing things down is good proof for such a reason as if maybe later on they try to take it back and say, "No I never said I did that", or change the story. A few times my H has done this. He said one thing to me and then denied saying it later. If I have it in writing then he can't deny it.

IMO you should regret that knowledge. How are you better off by know that? Now, you are going to have a hard time having a shower with her.

I am just curious why would would want to have the positive things that you have shared together be taken away with knowledge?

She kissed him hundreds of times (I'm assuming)...I still kiss her. She had sex with the guy...multiple times....and I still have sex with her. She had meals with him...I still eat with her.

Am I mad and miserable about it now?...yes. But, at some point I'll probably shower with her again.

Of all of these things that I now know about her affair, that I didn't know before...I am bound to take back...when I'm ready.
And. I will take this back too...when I'm ready.

You seem to think that ignorance is bliss...I don't live my life like that. The stance that you are taking is basically a reflection on your own lack of confidence...IMHO.

My WW did many things with OM. And if I don't know everything she did with him I would be nothing but ignorant. I don't like being ignorant...not with anything in my life.

I would also like to add that your last sentence is something that you should take a look at again.

Knowledge does NOT take anything away...that fact she did it takes it away. Now that I know it was taken away...it is partly MY responsibility to take it back.

JMHO

edit:

I'm glad you got me going on this, because it reminded me about "taking things back"...which I think I will do tonight, when I get home.