Phil, sorry if this is a sore question, but I guess I'm a little confused when you say adultery has not taken place.

That sort of seemed the underpinning to all these threats and her behavior and the gossip and the DVR, etc..

Hi Mike

I guess it what one classes as adultery? i define(d) it as maybe oral sex or sexual intercourse taking place. AFAIK this hasn't happened. I think it has got to 'heavy petting' i.e. hands all over each other, french kissing etc.

Which hurts like he77...

<cough> well....I dunno, bud that seems more like age 14 than 44....

I got my W to cop to everything D-day...unprotected oral, sex in my house......didn't make it easier, but opened my eyes fast.

Well you're not far wrong! She was acting like a schoolgirl that's just fallen in love, trying to recapture her teenage years. MC said this happened 'cause of the death of her 'controlling' mother etc. Still doesn't make it right though

She will confess to nothing that I don't already know. I'm going by what she has told her close friends, the ones that get the WHOLE story. She has told one, that she knows he can get an erect**n. How? I don't know? This was back in about March time. Recordings are picking up less and less, but then we have been on summer break for 6 weeks.

And of course there is all the talk of WW and OM being soulmates, meant for each other etc. etc. She has complained to one of her P.A. buddies that it's not fair, "If he won't leave his GF then how does he expect me me to leave my H". Laughable really, if it wasn't so serious..

Yeah, well, I get the soulmate vibes too and the sadness he won't leave his wife, not overtly but sort of talked around. Only it is said to my face like I should be a sympathetic friend. Pretty f'ed up feeling. Like you think, "Is this good we are communicating?".....and then "Would strangling her feel good, too?"


From what you say, I don't know wht the OM would care a lick if you tossed her out. Let me ask you this -- even if you took away the school connection, could you monitor her re: no contact?

I thought I could trust and I was shown a fool.

Now MB says I should get her email and cell phone and all that cr@p. But I can't go through life like that. I totally suspect she will contact him again, maybe already has since D-day 2, Tuesday.

And, remember, they are both physically terrified of me AND the OM's W. They contacted each other anyway.

So, if the bottom line is you can't ensure no contact because of the nature of your marital relationship, then "exposure" etc has dubious value, I think.

FWIW I think OM is just as much a cake-eater as my W. Would he leave his GF if we got D'd? I don't know, perhaps if my W got a decent D settlement!

Re: keeping tabs on NC if she gave up the school stuff, that will prove to be v difficult. Yeah, I can still DVR, but like you say, life's too short. I can't go on like that forever. This new job she has gives opportunities to be devious, says she can't have her cell on while at work as she is on reception. Only this Friday she had to work later than normal, and yes, I over analyze everything.

I do check her cell bills as they're in my name but obv she's not using that one to contact him. He can call or text her and I wouldn't be able to check that and I'm sure it's happened/happening. She can't reply using that one though, but she can text an intermediary, i.e. her no. 1 buddy on the P.A. who I'm sure has done it before, or his co-worker who will also pass on text messages. If I call her bluff and cancel the cell contract, I'll have to let on that I know about the 'secret' cell won't I? And I can't check on that unless I know the number, which I don't. It's all so messy. She's not using email AFAIK, there is an address for the P.A. but the Head of the school gets access to that as well. And she's not using her other email addy's, well the ones I know about anyway. I know her passwords on those too.

As you say, bottom line, can I ensure NC? I don't honestly know. She's been such a devious and deceitful b!tch up 'til now and most time I find out one way or another, but for how long?? She has a meeting here on Tuesday for the P.A., I feel I have to say something before then. I don't think I can go through another year like last.

So so confused...W came back from taking Ds to school this morning and once I heard she was in, I called out to her to let her know I was awake. She came into the bedroom in her 'nurses' uniform (she is also a reflexologist and wears this stuff when going to clients. Ok, yes this is real, I know the people she goes to!) Anyway, she was obviously feeling amourous and we ended up having sex. Thing was, my subconscious kicks in and things start to 'deflate' rather quickly (if you get what I mean!)So I manage to please her in 'other ways' and she says she really enjoyed it.

A while later she goes to her reflexology client and comes back about an hour and 15 later, so far so good. Then she asks me to clear a text from her cell which she can't do, picture message or something. I do this, but notice she has received a text from OM boss (a woman, her and my W are friends). While she goes upstairs to change, I check the text. Something and nothing, just says she had to work at the weekend, general chit-chat. Thing is, it was worded as a 'reply'. Check sent messages and no record of text being sent?

On her way to work this afternoon she sends me a text saying how 'nice' this morning was. And there I am preparing a DVR for tonight in the hope I might find something else out. I am so mixed up emotionally, one minute I think we can make it and the next I am so suspicious of everything she does (reasonabally so)

Well......one thing I ALWAYS remember, even from 8 years ago on here, is BS, and especially guys, vastly overestimate the importance of sex to a WS's mental state.

It is more like a natural physical need and the spouse has met it for years in a comfortable way, so there it goes.

My W was robotic about it, which I never knew until after D-day when she got emotional and I found out what it could really be like when she was emotionally engaged. Where is that on the irony scale? :-)

Last night we were going in for a "date" and I said to her "Is this going to be weird for you, after all the negative discussions we've been having? (separating, grim chance of loving again, etc).

She was like "huh? you're my husband, what do you mean? I never even thought about it being weird." She's withdrawn as heck but it was pretty good, got what we both needed, above average on the whole.

Anyway, wives have sex all the time just to keep the peace, or even help coverup, so don't put any romantic breakthrough connotations on it, IMO.

My W was hardly ever interested in sex, once a month if I was lucky! I blamed a very low libido and put up with it (maybe foolishly) Similarly after D-day it's been more frequent and different, but not always in the right way. I've noticed she seems to prefer it facing away from me. I'm not that stupid to realise she's prolly fantasizing about OM or the like. This is going to be very tough to get through. Have highlighted your last paragraph, do feel alot of the time it's guilt sex

Glad to hear things may be looking up for you

""" I've noticed he seems to prefer it facing away from me."""""




Isn't that how you gay guys do it?



lol....

Thanks for spotting that Mike! Even after all this, I don't think it's gonna turn me gay

After all this female treachery, I'd turn gay, but I don't have the wardrobe.


So, the latest with me is, I came home late last night, and she jumped up all concerned I'd gone to the OM's house (to beat the heck out of him).

So it ticked me off that "that" was her worry, so I tossed her out of my bed into the guestroom.

drama, drama,drama....

Well there's no doubting where you're coming from! She knows where she stands with you.

My update...

I came down from having a shower yesterday afternoon and W is on phone to SIL. They both have the same type of job (doctor's receptionist) now so chat about that mostly. I'm passing the door and W says "...I didn't think we were flirting...He took it the wrong way..." So I said "What are you talking about?", she says "Oh nothing, I'm just talking to E (SIL). Someone asked me out for a drink". Obviously this lit the blue touch paper and I demanded to know who it was. She said "One of the patients, but we're not allowed to do anything like that 'cause it's against the rules (or something similar)" So I said "Well it didn't stop you before did it?" and walked off. I heard her say to SIL "This will cause a row..."

Dinner was had in silence and when I took plates to kitchen was asked "Are we not talking then?". I said "I'm not sure, but I'll tell you something, I'm not going to have another year like last year". We then went up to the bedroom out of earshot of the girls, at the request of my W. She said "Listen, it was a guy who used to come in and collect the prescriptions. He said last Thursday he was leaving the next day so we wouldn't be able to flirt anymore. I said I didn't know we were. Anyway on Friday he asked me for a drink and my phone no., I said no and that was that". "I didn't say anything to you 'cause i knew we'd end up like this". Also, story changes from being a patient to someone who calls in for prescriptions and she doesn't know his name (or won't tell me more likely). She's only worked there since the end of July! Part-time too!

Oh thanks very much then, thanks for the honesty.

I said "I'd really like you to give up your association with the school, the P.A. stuff etc. I'd like you to resign. You know it hurts like he77 every time you go there. And there's always the chance of contact" She said "Yes I know but I'm not giving it up. It's over between me and OM and I don't see why I should give up something that I enjoy and am good at. I won't go anywhere near him"!! I said "When was the last time you contacted him?" She replied "When it kicked off last May". Which I know to be a lie. I said "I'm not happy at all, if you insist on carrying on with the school stuff then there will be consequences" To which she replied "Are you trying to scare me?" I said "No, just telling what you might happen. Are you scared then?". "No, I'm not" she said...

And there we are, still in limbo really, but she doesn't give me many options doe she? Can't see much point in exposure?? Can I do a Plan B without moving out?

Comments welcome

I'm not sure what MB would say at this point, but I know the only reason I am hanging in is because I got all the ugly truth out of her, and I believe we are on somewhat of an honest basis now.

You say when she said last May it was a lie. How do you know?

With my W, I didn't tell her how I knew something, I just rode over her lies and said "Stop it. I know"

Also, just basic teenage attraction rules, don't rise to every jealousy opportunity. It strengthen her and weakens you in the tilt.

read my signature.

""""I said "I'm not happy at all, if you insist on carrying on with the school stuff then there will be consequences" To which she replied "Are you trying to scare me?" I said "No, just telling what you might happen. Are you scared then?". "No, I'm not" she said...""""


also, quick comment, let a stated position like that sit for awhile with her. If you stay calm and strong, I'll bet she comes back to it. In the heat of an exchange you won't get any reaction you want from an ultimatum.

I said "I'd really like you to give up your association with the school, the P.A. stuff etc. I'd like you to resign. You know it hurts like he77 every time you go there. And there's always the chance of contact" She said "Yes I know but I'm not giving it up. It's over between me and OM and I don't see why I should give up something that I enjoy and am good at. I won't go anywhere near him"!!

Perfect opportunity for you to say "Because it hurts me. Is your enjoyment more important to you than the pain it causes me?" No accusatory tone. Just a sincere question.

She's either in withdrawal or (more likely) still in contact. Why can't she move out and you do a Plan B? YOU don't move out. YOU aren't stepping outside the marriage so there's no reason you should have to leave the home.

I know it was a lie because I have audio of her talking to her P.A. buddy in late July about how that night, her and OM were having a quick snog in one of the rooms at the school and that OM was a bit nervy of someone walking in on them. But she told OM "It's ok G***(her P.A. buddy) is outside looking out and she won't let anyone past" There seems to be so many people who condone what's goin on

I know I should let some things go and I do mostly, but this
just got to me.

Situations like this go over and over in my head, how to play it cool and calm etc. I didn't think we were going to get into this yesterday so when it came to it, I was ok most of the time but there was a slight quiver in my tone, but I did manage to hold back the tears. I must sound like a right wuss!

Oh she knows it hurts me, I've told her enough times. I have no proof at the moment since July but I'm sure there is still contact one way or another. I'm not moving out, but she doesn't have the decency or respect to move out. As far as she is concerned, it's all over so what's the problem? She even said yesterday I was the one with a problem!

What is a snog?