My husband absolutely will not stand up to his parents or sister to defend our daughter.

My SIL has a son that is 3 years younger than our daughter and he is ALWAYS given the benefit of the doubt - never questioned about anything. Anything that goes wrong is always automatically thought to be our daughter's fault. The grandson is very much a momma's boy - his father not around - which I think has caused my SIL to really baby him. At 9 years old, he still sleeps with her if that gives you any indication.

My daughter came home tonight after a weekend with my SIL and MIL and nephew of course. She unpacked her things and realized that one of her video games was gone. She called my SIL and asked if her cousin had the game and she immediately said he wouldn't have taken it and told my daugher to "Get over it" and hung up.

I looked at my husband and ask him to all his sister and defend he daughter. He got irate and said he doesn't understand what the big deal is either.

I swear, he absolutely will not say anything or put his family in their place when it's needed. His family is typically very good but it seems like when it comes to the grandkids - my daughter is always at fault.

I just need to understand why my husband is so resistant to confronting his family - wouldn't a husband want to defend his family?

It is likely an old pattern for your husband. Did you call your SIL when he refused to?

He's resistant because that's the role he morphed into growing up - the appeaser, the one who goes along, while the others get what they want. He wouldn't dare confront them now; he's never learned how, and every action is filled with fear - of their disappointment with him, their judgment of him, their condemnation or ridicule or criticism or whatever of him. Basically, he has to 'earn' their love, and he needs that love because he wasn't given it growing up - the women ruled the roost.

The best thing I can think of for you to is twofold: one, tell your daughter that this may be the case. Let her understand it's not a lack of love on her father's part, but a vulnerability he's had all his life. Good for her to hear, that even adults are threatened with such things. Encourage her to tell you (and him) anything she's feeling about such encounters, and just be a sympathetic ear for her.

Two, ask your husband to tell you more about his life. Get him talking. Let him open up to you, but don't guide him to that one sore spot - just be available and let yourself be his safety net, where he can express his fears and vulnerabilities over FOO issues, without judgment. Later, down the road, you can approach what's going on and even give him advice or offer to help him past it, if he's interested. But it won't help to do it now; he's too defensive, and probably not aware of what he's doing. You may, however, want to point out that his FOO issues may be affecting how safe his own daughter feels. I've found that the only thing that ever motivates my husband to improve himself is fear of disappointing his daughter.

Oh, how sorry I am you are in this situation, but I can totally relate. My husband has always put me second in line to his mother, step-father and his sister.

My son, only grandchild, spent a weekend with my SIL and when he came back I was shocked that she took it upon herself to cut my son's hair. When I confronted her, she was surprisingly, nonchalant. Rather than explode, as I felt an impulse to do, I took it to my husband.

Although, he agreed that she shouldn't have done it, he didn't seem to share my disdain for crossed boundaries. I often feel completely and utterly alone.

Sorry...just realized this is my first post and I'm droning on and on.

WOW! My MIL cut my 2 yr old daughter's hair without asking, too! She had never had a haircut, and she just took it upon herself to do it? When I told her that I was upset and hurt that she would take away my child's first hair cut from ME, she was like "I didnt think it was a big deal". My husband didnt want to deal with his mom, so he ignored it. He doesnt ever stand up to his pushy, controlling, manipulative mother, either.

That being said - why would your SIL speak to a CHILD that way? She is 9 for crying out loud. Why would you want someone that rude around your kid, anyway? I dont know anyone that talks to a 9 year old with that attitude.

In my family, my kids are disciplined by US only - no one else. Its our job. If a family member has an issue, they need to leave the kids out of it and take it to us, and then we go from there.

May I ask, how do you handle this situation?

"He doesnt ever stand up to his pushy, controlling, manipulative mother, either."

I'm with MadeinNY. What is a good way to handle this situation? Once at my bf's father's B'day party, his mother asked if I wanted cake and ice cream. I said simply, no thank you, I don't eat sweets. (And I still don't) Her reply was, you don't eat sweets!? And immediately he jumped in and said, "Maybe just a little" because he was afraid of her getting mad. What to do?

RMW

OMG!! That sounds SOOO familiar.