Not lashing out at the BS's here, I am stating what people post here seems different then what the Harly's have written.

In my own life I would NEVER agree to several of the things tst has on that list.

I will not attend church,
I would NEVER sign away my property
polygraph is a waste of time and easily beaten.

But I have agreed to the following.

1) NC (duh)
2) Accounting for my time
3) Turned on the GPS tracker on my phone
4) Can look at anything and everything I have.
5) We schedule as much time together as possible doing joint things. We even watch and discuss soaps.
6) I continue to answer questions as asked.

Other then that my wife has not asked for more. If she wants more very much up for discussion, with the exception of the three above.

Because I will be honest I like my family and my marriage but I will not surrender my life over too it. I did that and it led me to become bitter and resentful when my needs were not meet and I was totally invested in the marriage and playing the giver. So now I have my boundaries and what I am willing to give and not give. If that is a deal breaker for the wife then it is. We all have things we are willing to accept and not accept, total surrender of my life over to someone else I will not do again.

and that might be why TST is in a much better position than you.

And you are dead wrong about polygraphs...no matter what little tidbits you might find on the internet.

If your real reasons for not agreeing to a polygraph test are that they are a waste of time and easily beaten. Then why not go ahead and waste a little of your time, it can't really be any more a waste of time than watching soaps. If they are easily beaten then you have nothing to worry about even if you still have secrets.

Also if you tell a BS that something they are asking for to recover is a waste of time they are most likely just going to think that it can't possible waste anymore time than your A did. An A is the real waste of time.

No there is a reason polygraphs are NOT ALLOWED in court, they DON'T WORK. They give false readings and therefore are not reliable. So waste of time, money and effort on something that is faulty.

Who knows I may become weak again and cheat again, so why take the chance.

See, now there is another statement that shows you don't know what you are talking about.

First off, polygraphs are used frequently by police to rule out suspects...because they are very accurate.
Next, the reason they are not allowed in court is because a person has the right not to incriminate themselves. Allowing them in court would cast a shadow of doubt on people that refused to take them.

I must assume that other than being locked up that you have zero law enforcement experience.

Why are you still here loser? YOu make comments like this...I thought you found help on another forum. How about you take this type of trash and move it over there.

Well, from my Christian perspective, I'm glad that God in Heaven doesn't demand direct "just compensation" from me. Praise God for Jesus Christ who took on my "just compensation" for my sins. Without His Blood, I'd do the warm toasty in an unpleasant clime.

That said, my Sweet Jesus did say that I have to pick up my cross and follow him. That I also have to die to myself. I do so by doing my utmost to love God above all things and love my neighbor as myself. Following God's laws fits into loving God above all things and helps me love my neighbor in a healthy way. When I'm remorseful for the wrong things I have done or am sorry for failing to do the good I should and I'm willing to make amends for it, then God knows I'm penitent. I show God I'm sorry by opening my life to Him and making the necessary changes within me from the help of His Grace to "go and sin no more". God extends His Mercy to me and I can accept it.

For me, just compensation falls along the lines of the person who did me wrong or failed to do right by me, being remorseful for it and willing to make amends by stepping out of their comfort zone and showing me so. I certainly wouldn't consider "punishing" someone for the rest of their lives. That goes against God. He has the right to vengeance.

Since I am the BS, I understand that many times a WS isn't ready to own responsibility for their devastating actions. A WS often sees good, healthy boundaries as forms of punishment. My expectation that my H take at least one of our children with him when he did errands got the "punishment" remark early on. I understood that H had conveniently done his thing, often times when he had flat-out refused to take some of the kids with him under the guise of he "couldn't get his work done" if he had them with him. I was left with the burden of watching all the kids and doing my work. So, he did need to take some of his children with him after dday. It decreased my workload and the kids provided a distraction from his sinful thoughts. Plus, the kids got to spend time with their dad, time they were entitled to anyway, because he's their dad.

If I had been "punishing", he would have taken all six of the kids, then ages 18 mos to 11 yrs, with him following dday. But that wasn't my goal. It was to bring the M back into a healthy balance and make things better for us both.

BS's have to ask themselves what they want as just compensation. If it doesn't take the well being of the M and both spouses into consideration, then is it "just"? Just compensation can come in material forms as well as emotional forms. It brings the imbalances back into the balance by giving the WS the opportunity to make amends for their selfishness and overcome shame and pain their actions caused in the way(s) the BS needs it. It helps the BS overcome the shattering pain of the betrayal, see the WS's true sorrow and extend true forgiveness to the WS. Just compensation allows both spouses to "buy" into the post A M.

I've seen too many waywards here think that EP's are punishment. I understand why a fogged wayward would...they don't see them as a serious precaution to protect self. They feel it is a burden put on them by the BS.

Now, a BS may or may not consider following EP's as "just compensation". I know I don't see them that way. An EP protects my H from himself in my perspective, so it's to his benefit the most. If I died right now, I'd hope he'd keep them in place in future relationships.

For me, I get just compensation when my H works on his issues, when he respects and willingly follows the healthy boundaries (transparency, O & H, etc)we now have in place for us and the M. But that's JMO

Jewel

HU...I am AMAZED that you are dictating what you will or will not do...Your wife is offering to stay with you after what you have done and you think you get to call all the shots? WOW...Funny thing, Mr. W, though he would have certainly had the right, never had to tell me what I was gonna do or not do...No, I came to him with that stuff...I wanted to do for him...for us...I was grateful that he would give me the opportunity to do so...We work together now to have the best marriage possible...Our marriage is very valuable to US...We view it from a team perspective, but I KNOW we would never have gotten to this point if my attitude would have been anything like yours...

I'm very sad that you are so against church, therefore I presume God...That speaks volumes to me about why it is that you have such a hard time with the concept of being humble...

Mrs. W

You are a VERY SICK person HU...

Mrs. W

I don't care for the term "Just Compensation" because my FWH can't make up for the pain, hurt, and cruelty he has inflicted on me. He can only try to make me feel secure in our relationship moving forward and try to atone for his betrayal.

H offered a post-nup; his idea. I thought about it but sometimes felt it would be a barrier between us. I want my H to be with me because he loves me not because he's going to forgo half the assets or lose custody of his children. Other times I think it is a good idea. H says he will sign it in heartbeat since he KNOWS he will never betray me again so to him it's a non-issue. Lately I have given it more thought and may ask to draft one. It will help me feel more secure....at least right now since everything is so fresh. I always have the option to rip it up later.

You have this backwards, Jewel. I don't behave in a decent, Godly, moral manner [to the best of my ability] because "GOD DEMANDS IT," but because I love the LORD and want to please him. If it isn't voluntary, it is meaningless. He doesn't have a gun pointed to my head either.

No one "DEMANDS" anything here; it is the voluntary actions of a truly REMORSEFUL, CONTRITE heart that wants to fix the damage done. If one is making amends only because they have to, that misses the point. That attitude reveals that their heart is not in the right place anyway.

Just compensation simply means giving the victim what he/she NEEDS to recover. If a WS doesn't want to do those things, then the marriage won't recover anyway and the BS is better off taking a pass.

And lastly, we are ADULTS here so lets not pretend like wayward spouses are FORCED to do anything. Heck, half of you ppl here don't even own guns! They have FREE WILL just like everyone else. And BS have the FREE WILL to accept or reject the offer on the table.

Who knows, your next OW's H might give you a dirt nap and give some justice to us BH's.

He still might when you least expect it or when he has finally has nothing left to lose.

For me 'Just Compensation' has been pretty easy so far...

Whatever I have asked for from my WS has been given.

I try to be respectful in what I ask for.

It's worked out well so far for both of us.

Good luck to you all.

How come I get edited when I use this smilie but you use a bunch and it's OK?

hu7668, the problem is that you are not asking the RIGHT QUESTION and the reason you are not asking the right question is because you are not in recovery and are not sincere.

you are asking:

what do I have to do?

The answer is NOTHING. You don't HAVE to do anything. Nothing. No one can make you do anything.

The question of the sincere will be much different:

What CAN I do to repair the damage I did to you and my marriage?

A person in recovery will want to know how to repair the damage. A person NOT in recovery will ask 'what is the LEAST that I HAVE to do to consider this PAID?'

You don't HAVE to do anything. But you also will not HAVE a recovered marriage until you do.

Yep!

My kids lived and know the horror I put them all through. Seeing their mom in a nice home and dad working at starbucks would not have bothered them much. They have a good sense that it would have been fair.

It's because her husband is a lawyer and they are afraid they might get sued if they edit Mrs. W.

now THAT is frickin hysterical!