The last months I have began to feel that I have done enough. I stayed in our marriage and did plan A because
1. I saw that I needed to improve myself.
2. I saw that I had caused a lot of the problems in our marriage.

While I have done everything in my power to improve myself and to recover the relationship with my WH, he has done nothing. And I mean nothing; he just walked out the door and has done nothing to break contact with OW and nothing to recover our relationship. He hasn't done anything to improve himself either and he is full of "I can't do things any differently, I feel the way I feel, marital recovery seems so hard".

Simply put I have begun to feel that I am way better than this sad excuse for a man. I have also started to think about men around me. Wait, don't bring out the red flags, I'm certainly not going to start an affair with a colleague or a friend. No, I have just looked at them and realized that this is what a good man is like. Most of my colleagues are married with children. They take care of their wives, they take care of their children. I realize that things are not always easy for them but they stick to it and don't just run off to la-la land. I have even tried to imagine one of them having an affair and treating his wife like WH has treated me. It was an impossible thought. A good man does not behave like that.

So I set up a meeting with WH to discuss D. I know, I should have vented here but I didn't. When I met him I got completely, raving mad. I said to him that he has betrayed me and hurt me but I have still left him the opportunity to reconcile. Then I asked him: Are you going to fulfill my conditions to end plan B? He said no. And as if that was not enough, he said that he started to go out with OW again 2-3 weeks ago and intends to go on with that.

Ok, so he tosses me away, he doesn't appreciate the chances I give him, he doesn’t appreciate me - all for his shaky affair and an idiot OW. So I did a major plan FU. I said that he is an adulterous, treacherous scum and that he has destroyed everything wonderful we had. I told him that OW is an unfaithful, lying wh0re (yes I actually used that word for the first time in my life). I told him that they fit together and that I am better than that.

The last thing I said was that I don't know if I ever would want to see him again even as a friend BUT if he wants anything to do with me he has to fulfill my plan B condition and specifically break off all contact with OW for all future.

That is how it stands and you know what, it feels good! This is exactly what my friends have told me to do from the start. I intend to go straight for a D and to carry on with my life. I am still young, I want to meet a good man, I want a good marriage, and I want to have the chance to have children.

I am glad that I did plan A. I have really tried to become a better person. I am also glad that I tried to do plan B. I have really tried, I can’t do any more than this and I think that I will be able to sleep well at night. I don’t know if STXWH will be able to sleep well after what he has done but that is not my business. If his conscience gives him a hard time then it is just fair and otherwise he is really an empty person. The Karma bus will hit him hard in any case - and he will hit rock bottom when the affair ends.

All the best
Why

((((Why))))

I'm sorry it worked out like this but at least you know deep down that you gave it your all. You deserve better than this and now you know it. Go ahead and call stbx and OW whatever names you want - that's what they are. I hope everything works out for you.

Why,

Well, I've been exactly where you are. After 9 months of continued contact, lying, secrecy, sneaking around etc. I did the same thing.

In my case, WH was travelling (a job he refused to quit - now I know why) so I left an FU voice message plus an email telling him that I underestimated both his capacity for betrayal and the seriousness of the A. I later, with he help of Jennifer, wrote a couple of letters trying to soften the FU, but too late.

You sometimes just can't continue in Plan A mode or R mode when they just keep lying, contacting OW etc. In my case it was clear that he wasn't going to let her go. I'm convinced the cake eating would have gone on and on.

Just focus on yourself, and let him go for now. Dark Plan B.

Thank you Tabby!

I don't know what I deserve but I do know what I want and what I can give in a relationship. And I don't want a man who hurts people and does so much wrong and doesn’t do anything to make things right.

And thank you Chailover!

I guess I suffer from my poor plan B. If I would have kept NC with WH and just blocked him out of my thoughts maybe I would not have realized the awful things he has done. That could have kept me in plan B longer.

I have been thinking of my WH as confused and depressed and what not just to make excuses for him. The truth is that he has hurt me, he has hurt a lot of other people and he has been a scum OM and contributed to the destruction of a family with children, everything just for his own pleasure and "feelings".

He used to be a good man but this [censored] is not the man I married.

This is my WstbxH to a tee. You know how they say in MB land that your WS has been abducted by an alien? The aliens never returned mine. The replacement is a terrible person who deserves and is deserved by OW. I grieve my M as if he was dead, because the man that I married is.

My H coworkers had a saying at his old job, when he would ask those silly, silly questions like...how 'bout we just knock off the rest of the day and go to the track? ...or, how 'bout we give this customer a failed product so we can wait to fix it until they pay us? And they would reply..."You can do anything you want on your last day of work..."

And so it goes, "You can do anything you want the day before your divorce." And you can say anything you want when you have given up on reconciliation.

You will not be the first, nor the last, to move to Plan D...and it's OK. I thought I had read Dr. Harley quoted somewhere that if his W ever cheated on him he would probably D her...but for those who want to reconcile...here's the way to do it, and to a better marriage.

If there are no kids...I say go for it.

Why,

I agree, if you don't have any children and are fairly young, go for the D. As much as I hate the thought of any M breaking up, the fact that he kept up the cake eating for so long says something. I tried so hard because of such a long term M, and a child (although 26). The financial impact to me is huge.

Yes, it is hard to swallow what they've done. Not the person you thought you married....

Hi Why,

I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with the "Big D." Everything will work out for the best, though. You deserve the best. Absolutely, Baby!!!!!!!!!

I always heard such horror stories about divorce but it's really only as bad as you make it, just like everything else in life.

Take care,

Charlotte

Not that this is a laughing matter...but I love your term...Plan FU!!!

Maybe there should be a whole new thread on plan FU...Oh yeh...there already is...the Divorce thread!

Tabby, I am so sorry for you. I am sure everything will work out for you too.

This gets kind of OT but when I go through hard times I think about my grandmother. She had had a tough life but she always found joy and happiness in everything. Things had not turned out the way she had hoped and wanted but it had turned out in other ways that were even better. She kept the really tough parts out of her thoughts and enjoyed what she had.

Yeah, and in this case it was a crappy work with no pay and no appreciation whatsoever. I have a high moral of work and I usually do my best until the end but if my employer would abuse me I wouldn't bother to please them.

I don't know about reconciliation, I guess I would consider it if he would change completely and show true remorse etc etc. That is not likely to happen and I am not interested in the person he is now.

Thank you Charlotte!

Everything is better than this limbo and I feel that many men are better than my WH. The reasons I have stayed so long are that I know that I caused a lot of our problems but also that I feel sorry for my WH when he realizes what he has done and what he has lost. But there is a limit and I have reached it.

The more you can laugh the better so please go ahead.

Actually I didn't make up the term plan FU, people use it now and then.

I am sorry I don't have time to check in on your thread but I wish you good luck.