I used the term Stepford Wife early today and then I read it on another posters thread and then another poster used June Cleaver as a reference.

I am just wondering if it is common for BW's to feel like they have become a Stepford Wife or June Cleaver in their attempts to meet their H's needs and not LB?

Maybe some of you have felt that way during your recovery and are now past it. If so, could you give those of us that currently feel that way some advice on how to still meet our H's needs and not LB without feeling like a Stepford Wife or June Cleaver.

I am with you, there. Its feels pretty unfair. He messes up, yet I have to be the perfect, doting housewife to keep HIM from straying...

So, treating your spouse with respect makes you feel like a Stepford wife? Because meeting needs and not lovebusting is simply treating your spouse with respect.

If I understand your question right, I would have to answer YES. Because I was in the habit of treating my husband very disrespectfully. I DEMANDED respect, but never dreamt it would be expected of me in return.

No, I have always treated him with respect and met his needs. Always. He told me I always have, and I do it well. He still got himself tied up in a brief EA and I find myself trying to be even more than perfect, making all of these leaps and bounds to be so.effing.perfect and sometimes I DO feel like I am June Cleaver. God forbid I expect him to give me some help in return. LOL

I think I left out the stiffling my emotions part. That combined with the meeting needs and not LBing is what I think is making me feel this way.

Do you feel like you cant tell him how you really feel, have to hide it when you experience a trigger? That has been hard for me. I want us to be Open & Honest, but I feel like I would always be complaining if I tell him how many times a day I feel like crap because I think about his EA.

Yes! I feel like I am driving him away if I voice how I feel all the time. It's bad enough when I tell him the few things that I do. I'm afraid that it's going to create even more space between us and we just began recovery and that is the last thing that I want.

I think it is the stifling your emotions that might make you feel like that. Is there a reason you are doing that?

Yes it's the not voicing how I feel all the time. I know if I did it would be damaging to our M. I mean why would he want to come home or call me if everytime I was crying and a mess, that would get old fast.

But by not voicing how I feel it is leaves me wondering if my H is being honest with me about how he feels, KWIM?

Yes! If I told him everytime I felt hurt and felt like crying it would drive him away. I mean who would want to come home to a wife that he couldn't make happy no matter what he did.

Well I for one certainly understand how you guys feel. We had a big talk this weekend...he told me I never tell him how I feel (I used to and it never got me anywhere) and I told him I can't because he gets angry and who wants that besides I've already told him all my feelings and it never did any good. So he encouraged me to tell him how I feel and I did and he got angry just like I thought and he left the room for a minute or two and then he came back and said he'd have to work on that. It meant a lot to me that he came back and made an attempt to process what I said in spite of his feelings. At the end of the weekend I told him I felt closer to him than I had in a long time and he told me he felt the same way.
I don't tell him each and every time I feel a trigger...I see no need to bring it up, but from now on if he asks what I'm thinking, I'm going to have to tell him and he's going to have to take it...I never say things in an unkind way, I'm always respectful and I don't want to hurt him or anything, but if he wants to know what I'm going through, he'll have to buckle down and take it, this is hard and I kid you not! By the same token, I have tried to commend him when I've seen him do something right or make positive changes. I know it's hard for them too, they did something wrong, NOW they're trying to make amends and feel sometimes like we're trying to punish them for it, but we're not, it's just we can't get over it instantly just because they've suddenly decided to change, it's going to take a while to process everything and it'll be a long time coming before we can trust completely again...if ever.

Very powerful message Mel....thank you for the humbling....

Not2fun

MelodyLane,
Thank-you so much for posting this. I spent some time last night thinking about it and here is what I have come up with. You are absolutely correct, I feel like that by treating my H with respect I am being a Stepford Wife. I think it is due to living in a society that encourages women to be disrespectful to men.

My mom constantly put down her H while I was growing up. My mom always acted like her H was never doing enough, mind you he always held down a good job while she rarely worked and he still did the majority of the grocery shopping, laundry, and dishes, yet she never was appreciative of anything that he did. That was the example that I grew up with.

I actually had a major falling out with my mom when I decided to reconcile with my H, she thought I should divorce him and get a rich husband to take care of me. Obviously I disagreed and my mom and I barely spoke for over a year.

So many times I have gotten together with my girlfriends and we just complained about our H's. I do not do that anymore, in fact I try to do just the opposite, I try to talk about how great my H is and usually the conversation turns into us sharing some of the things we do to make our H's happy. See a part of me really does enjoy meeting my H's needs and making him happy, it makes me feel more like a woman, KWIM? But then there is a part of me who has been taught all her life how to be disrespectful to men and that is where the Stepford Wife feeling comes in to play.

So here is my plan. I am going to keep being an amazing wife and mom and when I start feeling like a Stepford Wife I am going to stop and figure out what is really bugging me and talk to my H about it. I am also going to teach my daughter that treating your H well and meeting his needs is very important. I realize that I have already started to do this with her. When she asks why I am freshening up my makeup and hair in the afternoon, I tell her I want to look good for daddy when he gets home. I have her help me straighten up the house in the afternoon and I tell her that daddy has worked hard and really appreciates coming home to a clean house. It's just those little things that I think will make a huge difference in my daughter's future happiness as a wife and if I am being a good mom I need to teach her how to be a good wife and mom.

So basically, I wanted to say Thank-you Mel and let you know what an impact your words have had on me.