This is Mrs. GGW.

My husband and I have not posted in a long time, and since the format has changed I do not really know if this is the best place to post. It has the most traffic, I see, so I am choosing this spot.

I am reflecting that it is almost four years after my affair (I am the FWW), and while I am happily and completely over the relationship and the individual, I do not find myself happy in my marriage. It is not only that my husband intermittently is angry about the affair -- he is, but not often -- It is more that sometimes it seems little has improved since then, and so why am I still struggling to stay, except of course for the children?

My husband is still asking for the same things, that I am trying to avoid. He thinks we should do things together, but I do not trust him to agree to do things for fun or socially, that I like to do. (In the past, he has been remarkably horrid, and said things and done things in public that were really degrading. I do not know if you can look at past threads to get his explanation, I will provide more if needed.)

In our community, he is seen as a wonderful person, and I as the recluse, though actually I like people in general more than he does. But I do not go to church, or on outings with him, and have become resentful. It is still his way or the byway for most things.

Do other FWW feel that maybe staying was a mistake? I think sometimes that I should have had more courage, and left years ago; but now I am "stuck" and unable to leave. He was angry at me before the affair, angry when I exposed it, still angry. Things do not feel different for me. I am worn down. I wish I had left maybe after a year or so of marriage, but who can go back 28 years to redo things? I am so sad about things.

My husband wants things to be different, he says, but I do not really trust him, and I think he is saying we should do as others do because of expectation that it is what is right, without it being true, really, that it is what he wants. He does not really, truly enjoy doing the same things I do, and even now puts up a fuss. I would much rather just avoid him, which I do, as much as possible.

Is there any helpful advice out there?

I hope I am writing clearly, it is late and I am upset.

Hi, I feel for you but think you need to pull your tightie whities up and get on with it. I havent read your other posts so forgive me if I am wrong and please tell me. If my husband told me after 28 years of marriage that he had wished it was over after the first year and the last 27 years were junk A
ND he had an affair, I KNOW I would be so hurt and angrey I couldn't see straight. My whole thing is if you are unhappy then set me free too so we can both be happy. If you think after following the MB principles you really want out and there is no OM then do it and let the poor man lick his wounds in peace. Eventually they will heal and maybe his anger will heal too. I certainoy can see why he is angry all the time based on your post. Re-read it and in place of you and him substitue your mother and father or some other couple, and reverse the roles so the one you favor is your BH. See the situation reads a whole lot sadder that way.
I hope others can help you more than I can.

It takes more than ending a PA to recover.

You don't trust your husband. You never will because you refuse to let him try. Why should he be happy? Outside of you no longer banging the OM you refuse to work on your marriage.

Again, YOU need to take a leap of faith and let him show you if he has changed. Help him to change were he needs help. Congradulate him where he has changed on his own. You have to work. Sitting back and refusing to work on your end will not help.

Yes you stopped banging your OM. But you refuse to let your BH show you that he is the better man instead of the OM. It's as if your loyalties are still to the OM. Even though the PA has ended you will not let anyone including your BH replace what you had with the OM.

Is this the entrance to the pity party?

so, let me get this straight...YOU are the one that dropped your panties for another man and yet you repeat that you don't trust him.

huh?

As you've already seen, a former wayward gets bashed a bit on these boards. I hope you'll be able to hear what they're saying without getting defensive. There is truth in the hurt and anger that is projected at you.

TheRoad is absolutely right: it takes more than ending an affair to be in recovery. Have you guys read "Surviving an Affair" together? How about "Fall in Love, Stay in Love"? I recommend them both, and in that order. They are available from the bookstore on this website. I see lots of room for marriage building and recovery just in your one post, and those two books will help you learn to see (and fix!) those things, too.

My husband is still asking for the same things, that I am trying to avoid.
Points to him for perseverance. Quit trying to avoid them. Do you know what emotional needs (ENs) are? It is your job as his wife to know his top ENs and meet them.

He thinks we should do things together, but I do not trust him to agree to do things for fun or socially, that I like to do.
He is right, you should do things together. You should be doing things with him and you should be spending at least 15 hours/week at this. This is covered in the books I mentioned.

You also have the right (responsibility, actually) to let your husband know what things you would like to do, and he should do them with you.

If you come to a stalemate - i.e. he is suggesting things you hate, and/or you are suggesting things he hates, then you need to learn about the policy of joint agreement (POJA) and develop your negotiating skills (both discussed on this website to some extent but better in the books). That will allow you to come up with ideas that you are both enthusiastic about.

In the past, he has been remarkably horrid, and said things and done things in public that were really degrading.

This tells me he has not yet learned about love busters (LBs), especially the disrespectful judgment (DJ). Again, these are discussed in the books.

But I do not go to church, or on outings with him, and have become resentful.
You need to change this.

Another love buster you guys need to read up on is Independent Behavior.

Be especially cognizant of love busters. They will drain your love faster than it can be replenished. Someone on here made the analogy of trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it, and I think that's a great analogy. The love busters are the hole and if there are LBs in a relationship, you can't fill it up with love no matter how hard you try. So eliminate the LBs pronto!

Your A may be over but you guys are anything but recovered. The good news is, Harley's methods are sound, and proven. You have the tools at your fingertips and they WORK. Your resentment and anger can be replaced by love and admiration.

I think you guys have a very good chance at a happy marriage. Your H is still suggesting you do things with him, which shows he's interested in the M. You're posting here, so you're interested in making it better. All you need is the tools.

I am trying to figure out how your H is seen as a wonderful person in your community if "he has been remarkably horrid, and said things and done things in public that were really degrading."

Do you have a male friend that you enjoy spending time with right now?

Have you done all the things that are ESSENTIAL TO RECOVERY, such as answer all of his questions about the affair? It is somewhat ODD for a BS to be resentful 4 yrs later unless the WS has had multiple affairs and/or has withhold pertinent details about the affair.

Withholding facts about the affair is a surefire OBSTACLE to recovery and is tantamount to LYING to the BS. Any BS would be angry about that.

Have you shown remorse for your affair?


Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

And in reality, how your husband has treated you this past 27 years has NOTHING to do with you wanting to leave......I mean, unless I'm mistaken here, you wrote you SHOULD have left after 1 year......so....it wasn't how your husband has behaved, its just you never wanted to be married to him in the first place.

If this is true, you've done neither of you any favors.
Marriage is hard enough when you have TWO people you try to make a go of it. Its got to be impossible if ONE has been living a lie for so long..

GGW,

You know alot more about this than me, but I think you could maybe take a little bit from what I have been through. I think I have done better than your H at the needs thing, but it seems he is trying and if you let him he might try more.

I tried for the wrong reasons and not exactly the best way. But after 10 years of being told I am a great guy, father, husband it seems my W has finally decided that it is true. It might all be too little too late. Seems like your H hasn't given up yet.

Please find the past posts from these 2 posters. This is a complicated story.

I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING THIS WOMAN'S AFFAIR........ but I think their problems go FAR deeper than the fact that she cheated on him.

As recently as last year, he was refusing to take meds that he needed to sleep and for other reasons even though a doctor had told him that his wife's health was in serious jeopardy becasue she was unable to sleep because of HIS sleep problems. He admitted that he did things to her like walk in when she was in the bathroom even though she repeatedly and consistently asked him not to. I am condensing the story. Please read it.

There is SO much more here than the fact that she had an affair after years of abuse and neglect.

Let me repeat....I DO NOT CONDONE HER AFFAIR. An affair is never an acceptable solution.

I just don't think the affair is, any longer, the real problem and I think it is being treated as though it is.

WH2LE

WH2LE, you make a good point.
It's always good to know the background.

Here's a thread of theirs (I haven't yet read it):
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=145097&Number=1926573#Post1926573

Okay, I read that other thread, and I still stand by my original take on the situation:
Meet ENs
Avoid LBs
15 hours of undivided attention
POJA

They're both intelligent, articulate people that want this to work.

Mrs GGW, how well do you think you're meeting your H's ENs and avoiding LBs?

How is he doing at these things?

Can you and he POJA 15 hours of undivided attention per week?

It seemed like you guys were on such a good path... what happened? Is he still taking his meds?
What is it that he wants you to do that you don't want to do?

I feel for you. You've been through the wringer, and for a long time.

thanks for the addl information, W2H2LE. I do believe, though, that there is nothing deeper or more damaging than an adulterous affair. There is nothing he could do, short of murdering their children, that would be MORE damaging to a marriage. Adultery is a form of extreme ABUSE. He is still angry after 4 years so there must be a compelling reason. That would be the expected reaction of a BS who was never justly compensated and was denied pertinent information about the affair. It would be important to rule that factor OUT, IMO.

I appreciate the many responses. I remember some of these names from before!

I will answer the questions, and the insinuations, here. No, I do not have a male friend of any kind or depth. I just started a job and do not even make friends there. I am avoiding people because my husband is usually hostile to "my" friends and acquaintances in social gatherings, and it is easier for me not to start down such a path. I do not want to build up my hopes and expectations for better behavior from him any more. He used to enjoy that we entertained a lot, but he did not help, and typically he would sit sullenly at the table when we had people for dinner, so I am not doing that any more, either.

My husband did ask many sad details of the affair years ago, and I was forthcoming. I cannot think of anything he does not know about, that he wished to know.

I will have to post this and then reread what people asked, because I cannot remember it all.

Oh, I remember. Someone asked about medications I think. My husband has been fairly consistent with his medications, for the most part. He is treated for anxiety and depression, and a sleep disorder. He now sleeps through the night and does not wake me often, also he is not as hostile to the children, or even to me as much. So in this regard things are better.

Maybe my real problem is that while he struggles still to forgive intermittently, I really am not making good progress on forgiving him for past injustices, so I still withhold myself.

Someone wrote Outside of you no longer banging the OM you refuse to work on your marriage.

I have no idea why you think this is true. It is not. But I have much difficulty trusting him. The least bit of negative behavior that returns, and I am closing up. I don't think that I have had much of an emotionally honest conversation with him in longer than I can remember, because it does not seem reciprocal, it seems as if any time I disagree with him it is an opportunity for some kind of rebuke or reprimand.

Please forgive weak word choices, I am still very sad and not thinking well in English.

Mrs GGW, how well do you think you're meeting your H's ENs and avoiding LBs?

I do not think that I remember you from when I was writing some last spring unless your name is different? But this comment did make me laugh a little.

I think it is truer to say that I am avoiding my husband's ENs and meeting his LBs!

[color:#FF6600]he is suggesting things you hate, and/or you are suggesting things he hates, then you need to learn about the policy of joint agreement[/color]

A policy is fine. But if I am the only one of us going along with what-to-do, it seems rather pointless. So my solution has been that I would rather do nothing at all with him. He does not enjoy what I enjoy, he belittles my pleasures. He does not even like my personality, I strongly suspect he is remaining in our marriage because of enui. I am not sure if this is the right word right now, I mean he is too lazy to move and do something else or remarry.