The cheerful stuff, the 5 hr dinner then the 3 hour dinner, the 10pm stuff, the I love you 15 times.

He is lying. The lying is unacceptable. Can't keep going on like this. The lying is serious serious stuff.

And internal auditors don't have clients. They may have consultants to help them insure compliance but not clients. External auditors have clients.

Did he goto a strip club?

Uggg...

I dragged myself into work today.... I have a headache and am super tired.

A few mugs of coffee later, and at least somewhat alert.

OK, TJD, if he IS indeed lying, then how in god's green earth do I get "the truth"? He knows there's no way I'd find out the truth... he can tell me whatever he wants, essentially. I wouldn't put it past him to be in a strip club...

And Bob-- my boundaries, with him traveling...

I told him that I wanted him to call at least once per evening, stay in contact via text, and that I wanted to know what he was doing and with whom. Up until last night, he was great about it for this past 2 months. I told him no "disappearing" like he used to-- ie, I couldn't get in contact with him, and I'd have no clue where he was or what he was doing.

I guess part of the problem with this particular past week was that neither one of us really thought about the fact that he'd get charged long distance for calls from Canada. So, we racked up what is probably going to be about 70 dollars in charges, pretty fast before we realized it. On top of that, there's a 2 hour time difference between Calgary and where I am... so, when I get out of work, he's still there, when I'm going to bed, he's eating dinner, etc etc... it makes it harder to communicate. Especially when communicating by phone as frequently is not an option.

I agree that I should have just told him not to worry about the phone charges, but then again I didn't anticipate him doing another disappearing act. Up until last night, we were doing fine communicating online (I would just leave my home computer signed onto IM all the time).

He's coming home today, and won't be traveling again for awhile (nothing more on his schedule which goes to the end of the year). So, I can re-iterate my boundaries, but its kinda a moot point at this point, since he won't be traveling again. Maybe I wasn't clear in the first place, but he was doing so well over the past two months and I was happy that we didn't discuss it again. I was just blind sided by the events of last night.

So, if you think he's lying (I'm honestly not sure, I'll probably get a better idea of whether or not he's lying when I actually see him in person)-- how in god's green earth do I find out??? He has a LOOONGGG history of lying to me to cover his butt when he thinks there's no way he'll get caught.

I can go through the pile of receipts that he'll bring home to turn into his company for reimbursement. See what's in there.

And about the internal auditor thing... I'm pretty sure that's what he does. Honestly, I'm not business savy. His techinal title is senior staff IT auditor, and I know that he goes to companies and audits them/points out problems to prevent Enron type of things, before the government comes in and audits them. That's how I understand it. I know that he works closely with the employees in the company's IT department that he's auditing, because he has to get info from them all the time. That's who I'm assuming he was claiming he was out with. Honestly, I don't really understand the business world (btw-- I'm in molecular biology too

E.

:RollieEyes:

K, I'll at least entertain this...

Honestly tho, I don't know if I like the idea of a lie detector test. I just feel like if it really ever came down to that, I think I'd rather walk. Honestly. I don't want to be paying for lie detector tests for the rest of my life every time I am not sure...

As I think I've stated a few times on other threads... I am willing to put this entire disaster behind us, start over, with a new outlook, boundaries and personal standards. BOTH OF US.

But it seems I am the only one sticking to that. He slowly is slipping to old habits.

I don't need to dig... unless this keeps up. I can let it go. I owe him that much-- but I don't owe him continuing this very destructive behavior and me just "taking" it.

E.

Eeyoree,

I think it's time you drop the hammer on your inconsiderate a-hole of a husband.

First of all, no more business travel...not without you in tow. If that means he never travels for business again, too bad. If it means he takes a job with a 50% pay cut, too bad.

It is time for you and your husband to decide what is more important...his job or the marriage.

I HATE reading stories about people who cheat on business trips, get caught, and ARE STILL ALLOWED TO GO ON BUSINESS TRIPS!!!

I'd make that fool get a job at Denny's before I'd let him go on a single trip ever again. If he refuses to find a new job, it's time for divorce, because you should never play second fiddle to a career.

I really, really hope you hand him his own [censored] after the stunt he just pulled. You'd be perfectly justified if you threw his crap on the front lawn and went straight to plan D without looking back.

Hey Krazy, thanks.

He just signed online now, and is talking to me (I can fortunately stay on IM while at work, so that's nice...)

This is what he has said to me (copied and pasted...)

H: morning babe
you are mad at me arent you?

Me: just upsets me when you disappear off the face of the earth...

H: it wouldnt have been so if i could have used my phone
but excuses aside, i'm sorry babe

Me: yeah, i think i would have rather paid the dollar or two or whatever it would have been for you to call tho...
or the 20 cents for a text

H: im sorry, i left my phone at the room
sorry babe

(I don't respond).

H: I got you somethng though
I still feel bad
but I got it for you a couple days ago

Me: ahhh, i see

(end of exchange).

Well, I've decided that at some point this weekend I'll go thru his receipts from this trip. Just gonna do it, not tell him. I know where he keeps them.

We do need to talk about this more, but I'm not going to do it on instant messenger. I think we need to be a lot more clear with what we expect from each other... I think he pulled this last night because he KNOWS this is the last night he's going to be out of town for awhile, so I can get all but unless it is a deal-breaker it doesn't matter that much. The situation won't arise again for quite awhile.

My head is still spinning... this all really threw me through a loop...

E.

He is EM'ing you to calm you down, assess your feelings, and play with your head more easily. He can hide things better on EM. He sounds slimey. That "babe" stuff (when he could care less for you last nite) and offering up the gift to disuade you.

Its his typical MO tho...

Royally p!ss me off... on purpose (he knew what he was doing-- he could have left, borrowed a phone, used a pay phone, etc etc etc... there were PLENTY of options, but he didn't choose any of them)---- then be all sweet to try to "make up for it".

This has been my life and my M for the past 3.5 years. Heck, it started before that-- before we even got married (I know, I know, where's the 2x4 dude and the whole "well then why did you marry him?! :twobyfour: ).

He knew what he was doing. He keeps apologizing online. He's still talking to me, but I'm sort of half ignoring him. I just told him we'd talk when he got home and that was about it. I said "we'd talk" and he said "talk?? That sounds like trouble. I don't like to hear that phrase, it has negative experiences and connotations tied with it" (so, he's in trouble but gonna rub my mistakes in my face? Really? That's his way of getting me to back off-- fast. A little dig to get me to "remember" my place. Whatever.) He's not "allowed" to be "in trouble"-- he's allowed to do whatever he wants and if I get upset about anything, he tossed the A in my face as justification for any/everything.

We'll see how this goes... he's signing offline now to go to the airport and is supposed to call me when he gets to Denver...

E.

It is not an easy win win for sure. If you break off communication you may feel that you will make things worse. If you do talk to him you have to listen to or have pressure to believe his bull. Why is he traveling again ?

Call his boss or HR and rant and rave about their "no phone home" policy. They will immediately tell you that of course an employee is allowed to call home in reasonable increments. I have never worked for a company that would not pick up reasonable calls home.

Left his phone in the room…….right.

IF he was out with a couple guys they went to strip clubs. It is unfortunately what boys do when alone in Canada.

Sorry for your long night.

eeyoree,

It bothers me that you are waffling so much, like you almost don't recognize what is really going on.

You have been at the cusp of Plan B.

Whether you can prove it or not he is lying to you. Period. He is lying to you and then playing with you.

You have to hold your boundary.

This would push me over the edge if I had done alot of work to recover my marriage...even if it was my mistake. If you have truly done the work and been remorseful you need to shake the guilt. He needs to stop punishing you if he wants to keep you. Don't stay just because of the guilt.

I agree with Krazy, your life will always be like this if he continues to travel. It will happen again.

These are all your decisions. Just be realistic on what is happening. Don't brush it off, address it.

Check his shirts for stripper makeup and perfume. I'll bet it's there.

Will do. Should be easy, since I do the laundry...

Good thinking.

I keep my mouth shut and take it because he knows darned well that if I get upset with him, he can pull his trump card out of his hand, slap in on the table, and I'll go running like a dog with my tail between my legs. Its sure-fire. Its the guilt that eats at me... keeps me essentially under his CONTROL. And he knows it.

He was doing so well-- until last night.

I'm gonna talk to him about it tonight. We'll see how he reacts to it. I've gotta think about what I want to say to him. Definitely re state my boundary (although it is a moot point, since he's not traveling anymore anytime soon).

Million to one odds he gets upset (how dare I be mad at HIM!) tosses the A in my face, and has a hissy fit and shuts down. No matter how I phrase it. I'm not allowed to be upset with him. Its always me being unreasonable.

I'll tell him I was upset for him disappearing, and I'll bet someone my bank account he says back "I'm sorry, but how do you think I felt when you did [insert something that happened 2 years ago now here]". We can never deal with the PRESENT without him dredging out a bag of old transgressions to toss in my face as some sort of way to divert the attention from his current transgression, get me upset, cause an argument, and for him to shut down and storm out the door.

Now that I'm typing this all out, I see how manipulative he really is. Its kinda sick...

E.

no more trump card.

Its not a moot point. He violated the boundary. He violated it.

Its not a boundary if nothing happens.

Going to strip clubs would be the least of my worries. He wouldn't turn his phone off if that's all he was doing. He could've stepped outside long enough to call, and cover his [censored]. He didn't.

My guess is that there were no other males with him...at least not later on.

The fact that he was in spin-control mode when he finally called is very telling. NO WAY did he leave his phone in his room. If he did, it was intentional...just so he could say, "I left my phone in my room".

No company is that strict with paid phones. They're providing the phone, buying plane tickets, paying for dinner, a hotel, etc., but they just might flip out if he calls home once? A company that tight-a$$ed would never provide cellphones in the first place.

He must think you are really gullible. You need to let him know that you are not.

Better yet, send him here and let me have a chat with him.

And he's right and so are you. It is not ok to hurt each other.

It needs to stop and stop now. Are you committed to doing it? Is he?

HA! I wish he would come here. He won't. I'd love to see that :twobyfour: though... haha...


I have the same suspicion. We'll see. I'll ask him to re-iterate the story again when I pick him up tonight. See-- he's bad at remebering details of stories he's told me... he tends to ramble when he's lying, and then later can't remember what he's said, so if I innocently ask something that gets him to repeat the story and there's incongruences, that's a huge I actually took NOTES last night, halfway to keep myself from and halfway to REMEMBER what BS he was feeding me. Lucky me, he might have a harder time "remembering" his lie if he was drinking last night too

Is it bad that I've become a detective in my own M?

OK, so he crossed a boundary. What's the consequence? I have trouble with consequences. With kids, its easy. You're grounded. No TV. Blah blah blah. With an adult? What-- you're grounded? I already pretty much ignored him and was aloof when he signed on this morning. Not that that is much of a consequence, that is more me avoiding again, and trying to ACT and not REACT.

I agree no more trump card for him. What do I say when he starts flashing it around (and he will...)?

E.

I am! Sign me up... Him... well his actions last night answer that question, don't they??

E.

I think if I were you I'd NOT talk to him tonight.
I'm usually not one for "going to bed angry" but I think in this case you need some rest, some time to fact-gather, some time to see if you think he's lying, and some time to figure out what you're going to do.

I REALLY like the idea of a lie detector test.

You'll find out for sure about the past "EA"s - whether that's all they were, whether there were more. You'll find out the truth about last night.

If he's told you all the truth there is to tell, think how relieved you'll be! You'll be able to truly drop this and move on. The test will show him how seriously you take that boundary. It's a win-win situation.

And if he's liked about past EAs and about last night, then you'll have all the information on the table and you can decide whether or not you want to move forward with this M. Because let's face it, you can't really move forward if you're being kept in the dark and if he doesn't understand the concepts and need for honesty, openness, and transparency. This, too, would be a win-win situation.

The more I think about it, the more I think a lie detector test is a very good idea. And if he refuses to take it, if his "pride" or the $350 is more important to him than his marriage, well, that says a lot too.

Don't let your fear of bad news paralyze you. If you do, then you can look forward to many repeats of last night.

I'm sorry. It is never right to hurt someone the way I hurt you.

The goals for marriage. Emphasize the one about not being the source of each others unhappiness. Actions you've taken and will take to be the person you want to be.

Then ask, do you agree with these goals?