Hello all,
I posted in "Just Found Out" a few weeks back. The short version of what I had to deal with was that my wife(9yrs) went to her high school reunion out of state. Our kids (8&5)stayed at her sisters house which was close to the reunion. She spent 2 days and nights reliving the past with old girlfriends. She was "alive" during this. When she came home, she acted very different. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I could tell something was up. I asked her about it and she said she just got caught up in the freedom and the moment and had a great time. Well, after some investigating, I discovered that while at the reunion she made out with a guy she went to high school with. She was drunk and it just apparently happend. I discovered this through a email that I read back and forth between her and one of her girlfriends that she has reconnected with. The kicker was that she said in the email that at the time she wanted things to go farther than they did.

Sorry that was supposed to be the short version....lol! Well needless to say I was shocked, our marriage has always been a good one, and rather normal. We have since been in MC and had 5 sessions. I am still beside myself as far as how things are progressing. I have forgiven her for her "mistake" and I am willing to make the necessary changes I need to on my end, I have worked on fear of abandonment issues that I have, which have caused me to completely overreact to certain triggers. We have gone basically a month or so without any blowups. She states she wants our marriage to work and that she has issues of her own she is still dealing with. One of these is being able to reconnect with a group of her old girlfriends. She feels that I am uncomfortable with this and that while I don't say anything about it, she can just sense it. She talks to one of these girlfriends every day, either on the phone or chatting. I know, through my own investigation that there has been no contact with this guy. She has said that with all the issues this has caused, combined with the guilt she feels that she has no feelings for him.

Well, 2 months in and I feel like we are roomates, we are both friendly to each other and I feel ready to move forward. I want to have her feel like my wife again. I have sent her messages telling her this and I have had a few conversations about it. She is not there yet, she says she still has some things to work out and doesn't feel like "jumping back in where we left off". I don't want that either, I don't want what we had, I want better than we had. I want to live a more passionate life, I don't want to take things for granted anymore. I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to move forward by seizing every day. I know all people take their time with things differently, but I don't see the efforts from her. Whenever we talk about us, it's because I bring it up, never her. She gets frustrated and uncomfortable.

The MC has definately helped me. It has identified some things that I have taken ownership of and continue to work on every day.
However I feel lonely, I feel like I am constantly being rejected. I am unsure on how to proceed. I want to have a healthy marriage, but I have flags popping up and I am normally a very insightful person. I don't know what the flags represent.

Help, Help, Help......Thanks!

I dont understand why she doesnt want to "go back"? Um, you are married, not dating. Sounds like something is going on...

cc24,

Welcome to MB, the best place to be if you have to be someplace because of infidelity. Sorry you have to be here though.

I think you know in your gut what all those s mean.

I would do some snooping and then some more snooping. It sounds like she is still in contact with the old high school boy. When she is talking and chatting to her high friends make sure one of those is not male.

The friends could very well be relaying messages to the guy. Everybody loves a good drama!!

"She has said that with all the issues this has caused, combined with the guilt she feels that she has no feelings for him."

If we know one thing about waywards it is that they LIE. I would not believe anything she says right now.

"I know, through my own investigation that there has been no contact with this guy."

What did this entail?

kirk

I have access to cell phone records, email addresses and her online accounts. I have most of my bases covered. I truly believe that there has been no contact, but I am of the belief something is just not right here. Like I said before, I can usually read her like a book, but right now I just don,t get how she has chosen to respond to this situation. It definately does not feel like she is making efforts. She has said that she loves me, our family and our lives. She was the one who initiated the Marriage Counseling and she has stated that she feels guilty about all of the hurt she has caused. But, something just isnt there. She shows very little affection towards me and she is just plain sick of having discussions about our situation. She told me last night that she would try harder, but I just don't know what to believe. We go to another MC session in a half hour. I am going to bring up the 1 sided communication and the fact that after all is said and done that I really just don't feel like I deserve any of this.

I am truly frustrated and I know that patience is a virtue, it just happens to be a virtue I don't have a firm grip on at the moment.

If what happend was truly a mistake and I don't have a problem with her being friends with all of these girlfriends she has reconnected with then why am I still getting treated like I did something wrong? I just am lost here. I have adopted some of the plan A items into our relationship, but what happend was not an affair, it was an isolated incident (at least that is what I believe). Who knows....I'm just really confused!

Yes, you surely are confused, because this.......



.......is crazy talk.


She had an affair...it's most likely not an isolated incident (it's just the only one you know about)...and, you need to stop justifying her affair.



If she is having "affection" issues with you, she is most likely getting affection from someone else (or will be soon)...since woman usually list "affection" as a top EN.



As far as you seeming to think that her hangin' out with her highschool friends is fine....


If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas, and that's the fruits of travelling with a fool.
[1842 C. J. Lever Jack Hinton xxii.]

Well my H had his A with his high school girlfriend that he reconnected with at his 20 year reunion. I sat next to her the whole night. The PA did not start until 3 years after the reunion but my marriage did nothing but go down hill during that 3 years. My H and OW continued a "friendship" (I call it an EA)during that 3 years that I knew nothing about. Just a couple of weeks after the PA began my H moved out to be with OW and apparently she was still friends with several people from high school. When my H and I got back together he wanted to stay friends with the other people from high school but there was just no way I was going to agree to that. That was a consequence of his A (or mistake if that is what you would rather call it).

I am telling you all this because you need to stop being okay with your wife having friends that are okay with her having an A (or mistake).

Also, just because you see her cell phone records does not mean anything. There are many ways she could be in touch with OM, a secret cell phone in someone else's name with the bill going to someone else's house, a secret email account, he could be calling her, there are just so many ways. If I was you I would install a keylogger on her computer (like SpectorPro) and I would get a voice activated digital recorder and hide it in her car.

You need to find out what is going on and put a stop to it. Don't hide from it and ignore the warning signs, like I did for 3 years.

Well, there might be some overall confusion based on my description of things. I do have a keylogger installed, I have cell phone records and access to her private emails. I also know that this is an isolated incident. Not solely based on what she has told me , but based on the fact that she had not seen this person in 18 years, he lives out of state, and we rarely make trips such as these on our own. I monitor everything I can, and hate doing it. I don't want to have to do it. But it gives me peace of mind.

I think that the major issues I have at the moment is just her reaction to this overall and who she is choosing to talk with about it. She has good friends that know very little from her, her family does not know what happend and she only really opens up with one girlfriend that she has reconnected with. I have explained to her that I did not think that this was fair, bc her friend does not know me or our kids or our history. Not to mention she really doesn't know my wife that well. Until 2 months ago, she hadn't seen or heard from her in 15 plus years.

My wife is usually a very caring individual, she is morally sound (obviously not in this instance) and when heavy things have gone down in the past in her life, she has been the victim not the one who screwed up. I truly believe that she feels an overwhelming sense of guilt and wants us to keep trying to move forward. In our MC session on Friday I spoke about my frustration with lack of progress and her apparent ambivilence towards our marriage. Today is my birthday, so over the weekend she made efforts to make it a nice weekend for me and we sat down and talked. I told her that I could not keep living this way. I told her I loved her and I would always be there for her, but I could not continue with no progress in either direction. I asked her if she wanted to get away from me and the kids for a few days, go someplace quiet and really spend some time thinking about what she really wants from our situation. She said she didn't want to leave. She said to me she would try harder and asked if I could have some patience with her. She said she wanted things to progress and asked if we could make a fresh start. A clean slate, where we both try and be better to each other. I told her that this was what I have been saying and that I would try.

In my previous post in "Just Found Out" I stated that she was previously married. When she was in her early 20's for about a year or so. It was a bad situation, he physically abused her and once even put her in the hospital. We were friends long before our relationship blossomed and I knew a lot about her. When our thing went down, I was really angry, I yelled a lot and threw a lot of verbal daggers. I would never lay a hand on her, but she has stated in counseling that some of our exchanges brought her back to her previous marriage and it reminded her of that because she was scared. She has issues. A lot of them. And I think she needs to learn some new healthy ways to deal with them. She shuts down very easily during conflict and feels the need to "be right" a lot. Something I generally call her on. She has said to me that she does not know what is wrong with her, she said, you are a great husband, father and man. We have 2 beautiful kids. We have a nice home and we both have good jobs. I should be happy and sometimes I am, but sometimes I find myself missing something and I can't even begin to tell you what that is.

i know my situation might not seem as bad as most of the scenarios described within these boards, but after 2+ months, I am just drained. The thoughts of some man with his hands on my wife made me ill. They still do sometimes. I do truly believe it is an isolated incident. Not because I just want to believe this, but because it is supported in communications that I have monitored. She does not and never has reacted to things like you would expect, she has baggage that has been brought back up and needs to find ways to deal with it. In the meantime, I am trying to keep my side of the street clean, I am trying to show her that it is ok to be happy. I just don't know how much gas I have left in the tank!

She needs to drop this friend. This friend is her connection to OM and she needs to drop her. She has only really known her for 2 months so it shouldn't be a big deal right?

Ummm okay, so you call her on this. Doesn't that kinda sound like you are the one who feels the need to "be right". Afterall who gets to decide which one of you right?



IMO she is saying this because she is fantasizing about what her life would be like with the guy she cheated on you with. She probably has a whole fantasy life built in her head and when she compares it to her reality the reality will always fall short and she will never be happy.

Well, I have not posted on here in about 10 days and thought I would give an update and see if there are any thoughts. I have been doing a lot of reading and studying on here as well as other locations. What a great resource!

Things between my wife an I have been somewhat quiet lately. She has made efforts to be a bit more affectionate and has been generally pleasant. I have been very quiet and I think she has been concerned with that. She continues to ask what is wrong, why are you so quiet. I generally dismiss it as something else or just redirect to conversation. The reason I have been doing this is because of the fog she had been in. She would ask "what's wrong" but generally didn't want to hear the answer. I have been pleasant to her, we have been trying to spend more time with our kids and do some fun things.

Last night, my older son had football practice until 7:30. When we got home she was just cleaning up in the kitchen and I had noticed that she had a couple of drinks. She has been dealing with a lot of stress at work and while it is not like us to drink much during the week, occasionally it happens. We got the kids to bed around 8:30 - 9 PM. I went outside, because I wanted some peace and quite, listened to my IPOD with the headphones and cracked open a beer (again, not the norm, but it tasted good)....it was very relaxing. Out of the blue, she walks outside and asks me to come inside, that she is freaked out, and she wants me to come in with her. I go inside and she tells me that she really wants to get our lives back together and that she feels the need for change. Before I could say anything, she just threw herself at me. We spent the next hour having sex and it was the first time since our incident. It was very passionate and to be perfectly honest, a relief. I felt great having that connected feeling again with her and even had a little hop in my step this morning.

Now, I am starting to think about the fact that she had a couple of drinks. I am wondering what brought this on. I am wondering if this morning if she regretted it. It is very possible I am overthinking this, but it seems to be all I do lately. Anybody have any thoughts out there? Should I not overanalyze this? Should I go with the flow? Should I ask her about it? She did seem ok today and we went to lunch together, but, no mention of our night. Help a confused guy out?????

Have you read much of the information on this site?

I truly hope you are at a place where you can work on your communication and your marriage.

If she was drunk and "made out" with the guy, I would spend time considering whether or not they DID have sex. I know she emailed her girlfriend that she didn't, but wanted to. However women sometimes lie about things like that, not wanting to appear to have low morals.

So anyway, she got away for a few days and lived a fantasy life -no responsilities, no job, no husband. So real life may look very boring to her and she may feel dissatisfied and unconnected.

I suggest you start meeting her top emotional needs - there is a questionnaire here you can use. Also it is very important to spend at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together WITHOUT the kids. Do you do that?

I spent a couple of days thinking about what really happend and since we have had another MC session. I really believe that they did not have sex. For one, her girlfriend was there with her the whole time and I am sure there has been no contact. Anyway, during our last MC session, we sat down and the counselor asked us "So, how are things going?" My wife responded that she thought that things were a bit better and that she had been making some efforts. When it came to me I acknowledged that there had been some little efforts made, but that I was unhappy about our communication and the fact that she didn't complete the homework assignment our MC gave us. See, the MC asked me to give my wife a list of things (emotional needs) that she could begin working on. I, in turn asked her to do the same for me. Well when I gave her the list, she looked at it like they were all things she wasn't doing. I explained to her that in no way was it meant to be taken that way. What the list represented to me was my top EN's. She understood that, but never looked at the list again and never gave me one of her own. So, I went on to say that I felt like everything that had gone on to this point had felt backwards. I felt like I was the one who was cheated on and I was doing all the work, making all of the efforts. In my mind, I felt like she needed to do more. Simply show that she screwed up and was willing to do whatever it took to help our situation. She immediately was defensive in the session and the counselor said to her that something was preventing her from progressing. The MC asked if I would let them talk for a few min. one on one and I exited to the waiting room. The counselor advised my wife that she needed to seek individual therapy to work on herself and determine what it is that is making her reject our progress. She also told her that she thought that the anti-depressants she was on were not working an she needed to see a psychiatrist to have that re-evaluated.

It's been a tough week, in talking with my wife last night, she stated that she needed to take the steps outlined by our MC and that she would try harder to work on our relationship. I introduced her to the 15 hour idea and the EN questionaire and she said she would do it.

I feel like I have to find strength in something, because it looks like a long road ahead. I am usually a positive and very easy going guy, but my head has been racing since this started and sometimes I feel like i'm gonna burst. I have people I talk to about this and good friends. But I would just like to see some progress that isn't forced or unnatural. I think part of my problem is that I don't understand the mental issues that my wife obviously has. It all makes me very, very tired and confused.

Well, I didn't get any responses out of my last post and there has been much to discuss since. I'll continue to update here because to me it is an outlet. I do really appreciate all those who have chimed in on my story.

This whole episode has given me a great appreciation for all that I have read on the MB site. So many people have such horrible stories and most of them hold out hope and continue to work, work, work. It is truly inspiring.

My update - Well, we are approaching the 3 month mark since my W pulled her stunt. We continue to go to see a MC and there has been a little progress. What is coming from our situation is that our MC has advised my W to seek individual therapy in addition to our MC sessions. She believes that my wife has something keeping her from progressing. Now, my wife is making efforts. She has become a little more affectionate and quietly, I am getting us to the 15 hour per week mark, without her even realizing it. I do not approach her with any "heavy" conversations and we have been getting along pretty well. So much has come out in our MC sessions from her past(things I did know). She was briefly married to a man before me in which there was verbal and physical abuse, she had an abortion in high school, she was bulimic for a few years, her first "real" boyfriend in High School died at a very young age. All of these things are being brought out and our MC thinks that instead of dealing with these things in a healthy way, that my wife just buried them hoping that they went away. I don't really understand all of these things, mainly because I had a relatively normal adolescence. She is scheduled to see an individual therapist and is seemingly taking the steps necessary to start to heal from some of these old wounds. I am trying to be supportive in any way possible, but in the back of my mind i'm still hurting and it is not like me to bottle things up. We certainly do not have closure to our situation and while the elephant in the room has gotten smaller, it still manages to pop his head in the door from time to time. Today, I am having a rough day. My W has unbelieveable work stresses as her company is downsizing and while her job is safe, many of the people she worked directly with have been laid off. So, with the work issues, all of the issues she is trying to resolve in her head from counseling, the kids in sports and school, financial struggles (like everyone else) ...it seems like our situation is always last to get attention. My communications with her in letters, emails and info from this site have been viewed by her as overwhelming and she has not really processed them. I am trying to maintain my attitude through all of these stresses, I am trying to be there for her. She is my wife and I do love her very much.

OK, so with all of that being said, I feel like a basket case today. It is hard to be supportive when you harbor the feeling that you have been hurt by the very person you are trying to help. That is not saying I don't want to do it, but it is very hard. She is still in close contact with her friend from High School who she has "reconnected" with. This bothers the you know what out of me. I don't even know this girl but based on what I have observed, her friend is toxic. She actually is in therapy and has had an affair which her H had no idea. In fact, he still doesn't know. The only person my wife talks to on a regular basis out of all of her friends and family is this girl. I find it unfair and I really believe it is hurting her recovery efforts, but she would lose her mind if I brought this up. How do I approach this situation? Do I let it work itself out? How do I find the strength to put my own issues on the backburner, while we deal with hers? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!