Hello from a frequent reader, very infrequent poster.

I'm over 1 1/2 years from D-Day#1, nearly a year from the last D-Day and I'm at loose ends on where to go from here.

WH has been unfaithful in a number of ways, mostly internet-based, but not exclusively. He has taken a great deal of time and energy to face his problems. We called Jennifer about a year ago and she referred him to a great site to deal w/ sex addition. I feel he has made good progress here. He has seen the roots of his addiction and has put in good boundaries and grown a lot as a man and a father.

But, I feel he has a long road to go to being a good husband to me. A long road to help me heal.

Like a lot of you out there, the D-day process made me realize that our marriage had a lot of problems aside from the infidelity. I knew it wasn't a great marriage, but I convinced myself it was an okay marriage. I think I was pretty deep in withdrawal for years. My needs were not being met and I just went in to myself. This process of getting through the D-days and WH not supporting me in the ways I asked has drained away what little love was left.

But, I want to give this marriage a shot. We have 4 small children, and I have to look at the total picture. I do not want to be a single mother. I am not afraid of it, I know I could do it if I have to, but I am convinced, if I can find the inner strength I can get to the other side.

I have strong boundaries now. While I forgive, I do not give WH a pass.

But, I do not know where to start now. We've been getting no where fast the last few months and so started with a new MC. She's better than the last but there is NO PLAN. I need a plan.

I am thinking that the MB home study might be a place for us to start over, to heal. But I'm not even sure which one, the HNHN? The LB? I'm at a loss.

Also, I need motivation. Part of me does not want to try. When I left the MC yesterday I thought - 'he is not worth it' - WH may not be, but surely my children are, surely I owe it to them and myself to say I really did give it every chance.

Guidance, thoughts, help?
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So, did you both counsel with the Harley's together? Multiple times? How long?

We had two calls w/ Jennifer. This was about a year ago and at that time I felt he needed to get his problems under control before we dealt with our marriage (nothing was going to help while he was still an addict.)

So the good part of that was it put him in to a program that has really helped him and addressed his addiction.

That might be a way to go again, but money is a concern so that's why I was thinking the home study.

I don't think the MC is going to get us very far, this time more b/c of me. I need active steps b/c I'm not very inspired to give a lot of effort at this point, but I'll do my homework if given - Jennifer's "fake it til you make it" line is coming in to play here.

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It is excellent that he worked on his addiction!

Have you both filled out the emotional needs questionnaire?

Good question - we did over a year ago. At that time, I did not feel like addressing the needs was a good idea, because our interaction was still in addict/co-dependent mode (for lack of better terminology, I know that's flawed.)

It might be time to revisit those.

Just being here typing is making me realize that part of me must be willing to make the effort, or I wouldn't be here typing!!!

But man, I am tired of how much effort I have given, for so long. If it just so wholly unfair, whine, whine, whine. There, I feel I little better now getting that off my chest

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We worked for several months w/Jennifer, so I'm partial to that approach. I know some have done the at home sudy course and had success as well. But either way, if you want your M to succeed, my recommendation would be using the H's approach no matter the cost.

Fade, sorry you are struggling so much.

FWIW-
My h is also a SA. It took him 9 months of solid sobriety before I began to see a behavior shift. It took over a year before I saw him behave towards me that would indicate that he's recovering, rather than simply sober. Abstaining from addictive behavior does not indicate he is recovering.

Does your husband know what he can do to start helping you heal? Have you told him I need xyz. (In our case, I at the moment, need one nice gesture a week..flowers, a card, whatever. That's in addition to him organizing a date night every once in a while and good communication during the day..yes, the poor guy has to be in wooing overdrive for a while.)

Do you recognize what he may be doing already? In my case, he was done a fair amount to heal us. It wasn't want I wanted, so I chose not to see it.

Have you looked into Recoverying Couples Anon as another resource? Patrick Carnes also has put out a book for couples to work through to heal from the SA. That's something I'd personally like to do, when I'm ready. We're going to work through HNHN soon as well.

Thanks, tst. That is good advice. I'd rather spend the $$ to heal than give it to a divorce lawyer!

Mumoftwo - thanks for writing. You gave me a lot to think about.
It's a mixed bag - three specific things I asked him to do he either did not do, or gave me a lot of grief over doing. These were opportunities to help me heal, and he blew it big time. I think he it working on one of thse right now, I will share more on that later. He has given me a lot of, "I'll do any thing" speeches over the past year and a half, but when push came to shove, he balked at these requests.

Now on the other hand, as far as extraordinary precautions and transparency going forward, he has been 100% on board and excellent. Well wait, there were some bumps with him giving me info as promptly as I wanted, defensiveness, etc. but he is doing everything I ask as far as that goes. I do believe he is not in the same mindset as far as how he sees women, in how he tries to achieve emotional balance in his life, and he is a much better person.

So in our first NEW MC session last week, I told him again these xyz and I think he is starting to work on them. I also gave him credit on what he has done and I probably haven't done that in awhile. It's hard to cheerlead when they have brought about so much destruction but I'm also realizing WH is a broken down man, and unfortunately, needs to be built up a bit. I haven't been in a good place to do that as I am pretty broken down myself. Gosh, just when I write that it makes me so mad that I have to make any effort to be kind to him at all. Argh, so hard to get yourself in a good place mentally.

I did the program at RN for partners. It was very good for me to do. At the time I was feeling very trapped in my situation w/ four little kids but it helped me get that I do have choices and they are my choices to make. That was very liberating. I feel pretty together on my end as far I my own emotional health. Now, as far as this relationship goes . . . .that's another story.

thanks again for asking the good questions, mum

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I'm hopeful because after all, you are here posting. And he has done the work to recover.

We have had lots of folks here posting who are married to SA's and usually they post for awhile, but don't ever get the addiction addressed, and sort of fade away.

The EN list is important, and also spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together without the kids. Can you manage that?

We can support you while you are attempting this. It sounds like you are worn out.

Believer - thank you for writing.

Silly of me to start posting on Friday, I rarely get on the computer on the weekend for more than a minute or two.

Can I manage trying to meet EN and 15 hrs a week? Not right now. I'm trying to get there mentally. We were doing the 15 hrs for awhile, but right now we're just spending time next to each other (tv,reading) which is all I can handle. We're co-parenting and living as roommates. Obviously this is not the kind of relationship I want long term but I still have a lot of anger to work through.

WH wants too much from me I think. The more he pressures, the more I withdrawal and here we are in this unhappy dance.

Intellectually I have forgiven him for what has happened pre D-day. Emotionally that it something I work on everyday b/c of so many triggers, but I feel I have forgiveness in my heart. I have not forgiven the past year and a half, because he does not show true remorse for it, and is not yet making amends for his behavior. He says it in words, but not actions.

There is a point where I wonder if he has the capacity to do this on his own. In other words, I may have to just suck up the injustice of it all and make the effort without him carrying the load he should be carrying to help get us there. It is not fair. Plan A for BS' certainly isn't fair, but it's what needs to be done to get the marriage back sometimes.

Again, intellectually I can see it, but then my anger flairs and I say this is ridiculous and wrong and unjust. And it is all those things but so is a lot in life.

Thank you just for your words. Just having some one say they will support me. . . I'm tearing up because I am so tired and and weary from the sickness WH brought into our home. I did not stand up for myself as I should have done for 10 long years, and the time has come but its hard to know your own strength when you've been practicing the position of a doormat for so long.

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The strangest thing about this whole recovery process is that I have trouble trusting myself. Here's the latest:

We stopped MC. I didn't really think the counselor would be that helpful from day one, but I kept going until last week. It did help us a bit - got through my head that I need to take responsibility to say "NO" - which was good. And mostly was good for WH seeing how defensive he can be and how we can communicate better. But there was no plan, no guidance, so overall, not a very productive use of the last four months.

The other thing is that I feel further withdrawn and have no desire to work on the marriage, like trying to meet ENs etc. I keep trying to convince myself to do it. I am trying to find inspiration to give it another try. But I still don't think my WH is in the right mental place and that it might be wasted effort for someone who is not ready to go from WH to FWH.

Case in point - last night he asks me how I would feel about him going to a work party at a bar. This bar is where he arranged to meet a woman for NSA SF (she canceled so it never happened, as far as I will ever know for sure). I have previously told him NEVER to mention this bar to me as it is a huge trigger.

Sigh.

My first reaction - I told him I couldn't believe he was asking, that I asked him to not say the name of that bar to me, and of course, I was not okay with it. Then I went upstairs and went to bed not saying anything else.

This morning he left me a note saying he was sorry he asked. He knew it was a trigger for me but he was more concerned about looking bad at work and that he put his feelings first. He also patted himself for not badgering me about it as a sign of his progress.

Part of me knows that this bar is not the issue. Part of me knows him just going out is a trigger b/c of all his past horrible inappropriate behavior. But I have no desire to live my life in fear of triggers. Really, my reaction was considerably less that it would have been a few months back.

So I don't know what to do with this. I don't care if he goes. But I am so angry that he AGAIN disrespected me but wading full on into something he knew would trigger me. He did not start this conversation by saying, I know this is a difficult subject, but b/c I am being honest with you I need to tell you I have an invitation to go to X. Instead, he tells me about the event, and leaves it to me to ask, where will it be held? So again, he did not show me remorse in the discussion itself. He did not show me that he understood the pain he caused me. Am I making sense? I get that he needed to tell me about this invite, but he showed me complete lack of care again in the way he brought it up. Why is it so difficult to get that?

I am more and more convinced that WH cannot get there on his own. His IC is a joke. He has no other support system. His family are enabling. While he has conquered his SA, he is not showing me the care I need to recover. He is not showing me the empathy.

So I have shut down and said, it's up to you. I think he wants to do the right thing here. He is trying to be a better man.

But after four months of taking myself out of the picture and not working on the marriage, I know this is just not working. He needs my help. I keep trying to tell myself that if I am in this marriage the reasons don't matter and I need to be IN the marriage and put myself out there again and help him.

But for 10 years he has let me down in every way imaginable. And for once I need him to help me.

He has shown me time and time again that he is only halfway capable of that. This man's taker is very, very, very strong. And if that mindset cannot be swayed, I am confident he will find a way to talk himself out of being in this marriage. In some respects, that would probably be the best thing that could happen to me. But I have 4 little kids to think about too. And if there's a chance that their dad could become the kind of husband he should have been all this time, that maybe I just need to find that inner reserve to give this man another chance.

Re-reading this has made me decide I'm going to ask him to start posting again. I asked him to last fall and he only did a few times before dropping out. And I will try to post more too, because I probably need as much help as he does.

Thanks for listening.
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