About a year ago my wife had been talking a lot to someone I hadn't met. It came to a head when I was gone, and called several times. When we are on the other line, it beeps for the caller. When I pulled into the driveway she peeked through the blinds. When I got in she was flushed, and I asked how come she didn't answer when I called. She said she was talking to OM (later found out that conversation was for over 3 hours). I tried to explain my displeasure of her IM's to him, and erasing the messages, and hiding their conversations from me. She said she needed friends outside our marriage and blah blah blah. At one point we were on our way to bed to be intimate, and her IM popped up. She stopped dead in her tracks and sat and talked to him for over an hour. Well we had other problems as well, so after this we went to a MC.

I was not able to learn anything about the EA. Now I feel that my suspisions were correct, and she was talking about things she shouldn't. This man is someone she searched for via Myspace. She lived next door to him during high school, and he is younger than we are by 3 or 4 years. She went to The MC said that she deserves to have outside friends, and felt as though I was being overbearing. The MC agreed, and stated that she should be able to continue talking to him, but should not keep it hidden. Well she no longer speaks with him. There are random comments on our myspace page, but I don't think she is talking to him.

Well we are working on our marriage once again. Through another site we learned about what an EA was. She has since all but admitted that she had an EA.

This has brought me back to that time, and all the hurt that I felt trying to understand why she was being distant, secretive, and if she was having a PA. Worrying that she was telling someone else her feelings and frustrations, and keeping them from me.

It has since come about that she has depression problems. She made an appointment for tomorrow to see a therapist. She seems to be on her way to making things better for herself, and our communication has gotten a lot better. We have dedicated one night a week to talk about relationship issues. This has helped us greatly.

Now for my problem. Should I go into the past so I can get some closure on the EA? I really don't want to rock the boat on our progress. On the other hand, I am having a tough time with the thoughts of not knowing what was said, and how deep these things got.

I really like the program here, but not sure how it applies to old situations, or if I should just leave it in the past.

No, it should not be left in the past. As you can SEE, it is not in the PAST in your mind and is actually preventing your recovery. Her having secrets with the OM to which you are not privy will prevent you trusting her. This is information about your life to which you have a RIGHT to know.

Joseph's Letter

another key article: Requirements for Recovery



NOT having all the facts of the affair will prevent recovery and can even cause psychological problems.

The Policy of Radical Honesty

Historical Honesty

Reveal information about your personal
history, particularly events that
demonstrate personal weakness or failure.
Whenever you and your spouse make a decision together or try to resolve a conflict with the Policy of Joint Agreement, one factor that must never be ignored is your past. That's because mistakes and successes of the past often provide evidence of what's likely to happen in the future.

While many people feel that embarrassing experiences or serious mistakes of the past should be forgotten, most psychologists recognize that these are often signs of present weakness. For example, if someone has ever had an affair, he may be vulnerable to another one. If someone has ever been chemically dependent, he is vulnerable to drugs or alcohol abuse in the future. By expressing past mistakes openly, your spouse can understand your weaknesses, and together you can avoid conditions that tend to create problems for you.

No area of your life should be kept secret. All questions asked by your spouse should be answered fully and completely with periods of poor adjustment in your past given special attention. Not only should you explain your past to your spouse, but you should also encourage your spouse to gather information from those who knew you before you met your spouse. I have encouraged couples that are considering marriage to meet with several significant people from each other's past. It's often a real eye-opener!

I carry this Policy of Radical Honesty about your past all the way to the disclosure of all premarital and extramarital sexual relations. That's because those experiences are among your most important experiences in life, and your spouse should know anything you regard as important. Past sexual experiences also create a contrast effect in marriage, and it's inevitable that you will compare your spouse sexually with all other past sexual relationships. Knowing your sexual history can make present sexual problems much easier to understand.

I've had clients argue that if they tell their spouses about mistakes made decades earlier, their spouses will be crushed and never trust them again. Why not just leave that little demon alone?

My answer is that it's not a "little demon." If you've had an affair, it's an extremely important part of your personal history, and it says something about your predispositions. If you've had an affair in the past, your spouse shouldn't trust you -- I certainly wouldn't.

But what if you haven't strayed since it happened? What if you've seen a pastor regularly to hold you accountable? Why put your spouse through the agony of a revelation that could ruin your relationship forever?

I'd say you don't give your spouse much credit! Honesty does not drive a spouse insane -- dishonesty does. People in general, and women in particular, want to know exactly what their spouses are thinking and feeling. When you hold something back, your spouse tries to guess what it is. If he or she is right, then you must continually lie to cover your tracks. If he or she is wrong, an incorrect understanding of you and your predispositions develops.

Maybe you don't really want to be known for who you are? That's the saddest position of all. You'd rather keep your secret than experience one of life's greatest joys -- to be loved and accepted in spite of your weaknesses.

Some counselors have argued that the only reason people reveal past infidelity is because of anger. They are deliberately trying to hurt their spouses with that information. Or they might be doing it to relieve their own guilt at the expense of their spouse's feelings.

While it's true that the spouse usually feels hurt, and vengeance or feelings of guilt motivate some, whenever correct information is revealed, an opportunity for understanding and change is presented. That opportunity is more important than unhealthy motives or momentary unhappiness.

Some revelations may need to be made in the presence of a professional counselor to help control the emotional damage. Spouses sometimes have difficulty adjusting to revelations that have been kept secret for years. In many cases, they're not reacting to the revelation as much as the fact that they'd been lied to all that time.

Some spouses with emotional weaknesses may need personal counseling to help them adjust to the reality of their spouses' past. The saints they thought they married turn out to be not so saintly. But the most negative reactions to truth that I've witnessed have never destroyed a person or a marriage. It's dishonesty that destroys intimacy, the feeling of love, and marriages.

When a couple first see me for counseling, I have them complete my Personal History Questionnaire, which systematically reviews many of the significant events of their past. I ask them to share their answers with each other and feel free to ask any questions that would be triggered by them.

I offer you the same opportunity to investigate each other's past. I have posted that questionnaire for you to copy and complete. Simply click the name of the questionnaire in the previous paragraph and be sure to make two copies, one for both of you. Leave nothing out and be willing to pursue any line of inquiry that will help you better understand each other's past.


Policy of Radical Honesty

Thank you for the reply Melody!

So I did read what you sent, and the links. I see that I should do this, and get more details.

She has a hard time opening up. I think that she will need to chew on some of this information before I start asking questions. Is there a way that I give her a little notice before? Say on Monday tell her I would like to talk about her relationship with OM for our talk on Wednesdays. I really don't want her to be defensive, and that is one thing she is working on in therapy.

I wouldn't warn her.

If there is a big secret you'll just be giving her 2 days to build up her wall and plan of denial. I'd say broadside her with it with a plan to get the whole truth and nothing but the truth in a safe open manner.

You want to move past the past and (re)build a marriage of extraordinary care but you can't very well do so unless and until you know the whole past. You just can't let go what you don't know and the facts are a prerequisite to building intimacy.

It's important that you make her feel safe and let her know/believe that NOTHING she tells you will be a deal breaker (even if she were to reveal a PA and you don't think you could handle that...act as if you could). I'm not encouraging you to lie, just that it's likely you'll try to recover anyway despite such preconceived notions. The truth won't change. But your relationship can and will once you get it.

You're in a tough spot. The wall of denial is a tough hill to climb and there is no other way for you to get it (and she KNOWS this). Let her know that her holding on to any of it...in secret...is the actual deal breaker as it will forever be a barrier to rebuiding HER marriage to you. If she's lying...the marriage is all but over and will NEVER be satisfying to either of you. More than any drug she can take for her depression...honesty, with her adoring husband is the BEST medicine.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Wow! I find it a little strange to make an appointment to speak to my spouse.

Do you not think that she would respond to addressing your feelings and fears? Do you not think that you might be able to create a safe non-recriminating environment in order to open her to rejuvenating your marriage?

Look, the alternative is to schedule an appointment with the polygraph (whatever it costs) and fast track it from there.

How is your reading going in "Surviving an affair" and the quick start posts of the "Just found out" section?

We have a weekly relationship talk on Wednesdays right now to work on our communication. It's not making an appointment, because these are planned talks. We give each other a topic for the next week. I would essentially give her this topic.

Just saying that I need to know more about that in detail I think would be sufficient. I am open to being wrong about that though. We are doing really well with these talks, and I think blind siding her with this and demanding information would be counter productive to what we are trying to accomplish. She has expressed that I can be over bearing when asking to talk about things. I am trying to show I can be a better listener, and more understanding.