My S and I did marital therapy with his new therapist for 10 months, just ending it at the beginning of summer. I agreed to marital therapy after my S came out of rehab (addiction to Ambien, depression, and chronic pain). This was the 3rd time he has went to a treatment facility, since his early 20's (he's 53). His therapist lived in another state and we had phone sessions. My husband talked with her alone 2-3/week and I talked 1/week and we both talked 1/week. For 10 months, I kept asking the therapist how I could make my husband happy, but her answers were always very general. Also, we kept straying from marital therapy and so I would ask if we could work on marital issues. She kept telling me that my husband could work on developing a better relationships with his parents or with our kids(s 12, d 10, s 6) or on himself. She kept telling me repeatedly for 9 months that the only way she could help would be if she did a home visit where she came to stay with us for 5 days/4 nights. During these 10 months and especially when she came to my home she treated my husband like his mother and even went so far as to say "listen to your mother" to S. The therapist told the maid the she was poor just like the maid ("if you saw my underwear...")to get information about me.(Her husband is a professor and she owns 3 houses). The maid told her only good things and that I was a great mother and that the children were very nice. While she stayed at my house the maid caught her going through the cupboards looking for some polish. The therapist asked my S to send her a check even after my S told just to take it out of the account we had with her. After that home visit, I waited a week before I talked with her so that I could give myself time to think. I realized that if my marriage was going to be saved and my EN met (intimate conversation, recreation, honesty, admiration), then I would have to find a program where the therapist stayed in the middle. Then I spoke with my husband and said I didn't think that the therapy was working and that I wanted to try something different. My S agreed to take a break and try something new.

You have to know that my husband grew up wealthy and has had therapy his early 20's when he had an emotional breakdown. When we were dating and first married everything was fine. When the kids were born, everything changed. I stayed home. My husband went to work for about 4 hrs/day and spent 4 more hrs on therapy and exercise. We had done couples communication work prior to the marriage and I didn't know but he never stopped. I asked him to help with the kids, but he said it was my job 24/7. I love my kids and the less my husband gave to me and the kids, the more I gave to the kids (trying to make up for the lack). When I accidently stumbled upon a taped therapy session (he had overwritten another tape), I became very resentful. I resented my husband sharing emotional closeness in individual therapy, group therapy, 12 step programs, and a Monday Night Men's Group. He would come home exhausted, angry and have nothing left for me and the kids. During this time, he began taking more pills (prescription, over the counter, internet bought). Even as a teenager, my S would take over the counter cold medicine to help him sleep. He still sees multiple doctors (pain mgmt, back, GI, 2 psychiatrists, therapist, and primary care) and taking medications prescribed by them and medicine bought over the Internet. These doctors tell him to do things, but he doesn't follow their suggestions (I sometimes feel like all he wants is someone to cry to and tell how horrible his wife is).

Back to the issue: My husband promised that he would give up this therapist and try something different, but he keeps going back to her, usually behind my back. I've told him that my sister would watch the kids if he would only pick one the many programs/seminars available. After 3 months he still hadn't enrolled us in anything, so I went ahead and order MB (he agreed when the pain mgmt doctor suggested it) and the weekend accountability pgm. I've told him how much it hurts me to see him emotionally commit to this therapist, but not try with me. After promising once again to put his whole heart and effort into this prgm, he saw her again. He had to go visit a GI doctor where she lives and his mother convinced him to go see her. I called while he was out and his father lied and said he didn't know where he was. When I asked my S, he did finally tell the truth, but I still feel deeply hurt. I feel like my S is having an affair without the sex. Does that make any sense? Even when I have done everything to be loving, affectionate - what he says he wants, he still goes back to her and I still don't get my most important needs met. When we did therapy with her, she said we couldn't go to any other therapy or even read books on helpful subjects like parenting (because she said that was how he ran away and didn't have to deal with issues). I did the marital therapy because my husband said he was moving away if I didn't. Now, I would like to try something else and have exclusivity too. We both talked to the therapist today and she kept interupting me and tried her hardest to convince my S to stay with her. My husband was relatively nice to her but not to me but he agreed to give MB a fair shake. I want my marriage to work, but I don't trust him to keep his promise and to even try. Please advise!

unmetneeds

Sounds like a pretty serious problem, un. Very likely this is an EA, and certainly an inappropriate relationship for a therapist and client to have.

As a starting point, I would advise you to start Plan A while studying up on Plan B. Treat it as an affair, whether it is or not. (My guess is that it is.)

Welcome to MB. Stay and you will get all the help you need to get through ths.

unmet, I read this post several days ago, but had no time to respond. I am a counselor and this therapist's behavior is highly unethical IMO. Sleeping at your client's home? In my profession we aren't even supposed to acknowledge a client if we see him/her out in public, but rather allow the client to acknowledge us. Do you know that the #1 reason therapists lose their licenses are due to inappropriate Rs with their clients. The whole thing is very similar to what happens in As.

What are her credentials? This is what I would do. Whatever her credentials are, (counselor, psychologist, social worker, chemical dependency counselor), call the state board. At this point you can remain anonymous if you want to. Explain the situation and see what they say. Start there.

The other thing is that personally I don't think it is a good idea at all to have one S's IC also be the MC. It creates a conflict of interest.

Let me know what happens.

Your husband's therapist is a flake! Aside from that, until your husband resolves his addiction issues, marriage counseling is a waste of time.

FYI, my BIL (brother-in-law) was also from a wealthy family and barely worked his whole life. His life was a mess. He was also into buying meds from the internet. One day, he accidentally overdosed on those drugs and died. Please do whatever you can to stop this.

I'd look into having that therapist's license revoked.

This therapist is a quack.
File a report TODAY!

Thank you for the information. My S's therapist is a licensed clinical social worker and according to my husband (whom is a professor and quite intelligent), she is one of the best in his hometown (medium sized city). His sister-in-law gave him the name (the therapist is her's as well). According to my husband, his sister has even went to see this therapist (but that may not be quite the truth). One of the last times I spoke with the therapist, I stated that I didn't think our home visit was beneficial and even asked her how common it was to make a home visit and stay in a clients' home. She said that she did it often and was even getting ready to do another one. I think I may call the state board and just ask about the appropriateness of what occurred. But I don't want anyone hurt, I just want to work with my S on fixing our M. Since the last phone call with myself, my S and the therapist, my S has read quite a bit of the MB materials and loves it (at least that is what he is saying). When he read through the initial stuff, my S kept apologizing about dragging his feet and not wanting to try this. I am never quite sure whether he is telling me the truth or just telling what he thinks I want to hear. Now, he says he agrees that the therapist was out of her league and didn't really have the skills to be a marital therapist. I am trying hard to believe that he really believes that to be true and that he wants to really give MB a concerted effort. We still have issues concerning the use of prescription drugs, but he gets very upset if I even mention my desire to help him stop buying pills on the internet. We are going next week to see the pain management doctor and he promised to ask her opinion (her advice about MB was good). I guess MB has to be the first step, but like everything else sometimes I am not so sure. Again, thanks for the advice!

Thanks for the information and advice. Accidents (whether in the car or overdose) are always tucked in the back of my mind. It was especially bad right before rehab. My S is very careful and controlled in his use. My S says he went to rehab because of chronic pain and depression. Also, my S says that they never said he had a problem with prescription pills at rehab. My S went in taking pills and came out a month later still taking 4 different pills. Even after a year, he has big mood swings and says that the pills still aren't working and that the doctors just need to find the right combo (although I pretty sure that the pyschiatrists don't know about all the other doctor's he sees or about buying stuff without prescriptions over the internet). If it wasn't for my S buying pills over the internet, I am not sure I would get anyone to believe me that my S has a problem with medicine. Even knowing that, I think doctors will just say he needs medicine for sleep and for chronic pain and for anxiety and for depression and whatever illness he develops (there always seems to be one sickness after another). I tried to mention that we could work together with the psychiatrist to wean him off all this stuff, just to see where's he is at, he freaks out and starts accusing me of wanting him to be perfect and nothing ever being good enough for me. He did promise to mention buying more pills over the internet to the pain management doctor at his appointment next week (I am going with him). I don't know what else I can do if no one else thinks it's a problem. But he has read somne of the MB stuff and likes it and thinks it will help (at least that is what he has said). If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them? Again, thanks!