I am being totally honest about that believe it or not.

You engaging in ANY conversations with your "friend" at this point shows your character. People like this should be cut out of your life until they repent.

And BTW...does your WIFE know what this guy is doing? And if so, how does your wife feel about your friendship?

I listen to him a lot about their "relationship" and always tell him that it is a bad idea. I am probably at fault for listening when he tells me about when and where they have sex. I ask him to leave out details as that is TMI for me however I know they often see one another during the afternoon. If that makes me less of a man then "my bad" however I would like to help him get out of this mess. I tried to get him to look at this site a few weeks ago but I am pretty sure he didn't do it.

Bro, you are treading on thin ice with this one."

Yes...your character is being questioned. Based ont he above paragraph that YOU wrote, you are showing a lack of character. YOU said that you listened to the when's and where's about there sex. YOU stated this.

How about this for a response..."Don't talk to me about your filth. You are having an affair with a married woman. That makes you the type of person I don't want in my life in any way. Do not speak to me again until this changes."

Although this may sound strange I am here to assist a close friend.

...let's define friendship because perhaps I use the term loosely here. He and I have worked together for four and a half years. We on occasion have been to lunch (once this year) and been in a fantasy football league two years ago.

I think your whole story is bull chit. YOu wrote in your first post that he is a CLOSE friend. When you are called on things, he suddenly becomes a co-worker that you have a distant relationship with.

So, either you are making chit up to account for your lack of character...or this is all just bull chit.

Wow...my character. Ok MEDC to answer your "BTW" yes my wife knows about this however she says I should mind my own business. I disagree with her which is why I am here.

Second...let's define friendship because perhaps I use the term loosely here. He and I have worked together for four and a half years. We on occasion have been to lunch (once this year) and been in a fantasy football league two years ago. He is a single guy who dates and spends most weekends playing golf and going to singles bars. I am married with three kids eight years old and under so he and I do not spend time together outside of work. I see him about twice a week at work as we work for a large state employer so when we have talked at length at the end of a work day I have often referred him to this site. Since he has not come here on his own I thought I would retrieve some information for him. I can not force him to read it however perhaps it will make him think a little harder about what he is doing.

As far as conversation and my character are concerned you make it out that I am panting while he tells me of sorted sex stories with all the dirty details. When he mentioned that he was seeing a married woman the first words from my mouth were..."Bro, you are treading on thin ice with this one." I told him he needed to leave married women alone as their drama and deceit would become as much his as it is theirs. I have no interest in any details of his affair. I am only interested in doing what I am able to discourage him. It is only because of my character that you question that I am here seeking information to back up what I am telling him.

Mel

It would seem you and your wife are cut from the same cloth. You deserve each other.

Why don't you act like a decent human being and expose this affair to the poor schmuck husband who is having to expose himself to your all of your 'friends' past sexual partners?

If my 'friend' was having sex with a married woman he would immediately cease being my 'friend'.

You are just as culpable here.

But it's more likely that they would simply talk to each other more often, depositing even more love units. Sex is actually not the driving force in most affairs -- it is conversation and affection. In fact, most people who have affairs regard the sex as a minor player. What they appreciate the most about the relationship is the love and acceptance that is communicated in their conversation. But sex is usually the inevitable outcome, and since sex works best with great conversation and affection, the sex is also great. Once sex is added to the mix, so many love units get deposited that the couple cannot imagine losing each other. They are both addicted to the relationship.

The unsuspecting jilted spouse usually senses a problem when an affair begins. For one thing, an affair usually takes up quite a bit of time, and all sorts of excuses are given to be away from home -- having to work late, impulsive trips to the store and unexplained absences from work -- they all become more and more difficult to believe. Telephone records and credit card receipts are carefully hidden, for if they are found, they will often reveal the scope of the affair.

When the spouses are together, an emotional distance usually prevails. Sex is almost always a problem for women who are having an affair, and many men having an affair find they cannot make love to their wives, either. In many cases, intimacy in marriage becomes so bad that a separation is requested to "sort things out." An affair is often suspected by the jilted spouse, but almost always vigorously denied by the offending spouse. It usually takes solid evidence, like B.D.'s finding her husband in bed with her best friend, to get an unfaithful spouse to admit the truth.

I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings.

Since an affair usually creates emotional distance between spouses, lovers describe their increasing dissatisfaction with their marriages. They talk about how incompatible they are in marriage and how compatible they are with each other. The addiction they have for each other turns the relationship into a passion that makes an eternal relationship with each other an absolute necessity. Many would rather commit suicide together than to return to their horrible spouses.

That's not to say that they do not show compassion for their spouses. In fact, they usually express their guilt to each other for the pain they cause their families. But if either of them would talk about how much they loved their spouses, and how happy they were in their marriage, the conversation would tend not to deposit very many love units. Instead, they compare each other with their spouses in a most favorable light, saying that they wish they had known each other before they were married, and that they are perfect for each other. Such expressions of admiration deposit carloads of love units.

At the crossroads R.J. faces, she should avoid telling Bob how she feels about him at all costs. And she should certainly not let him know that she is dissatisfied with her husband. As soon as Bob would know about her feelings for him and her marital dissatisfaction, the risk of an affair would be so great that she must end her friendship with him for life. From the moment he knows she loves him, their friendship should end.

R.J. should be able to talk to someone about her marital problems. I'm glad she had the courage to write me. We should all be able to tell someone how we feel deep inside. But R.J. should not complain about her spouse to anyone unless she has made the same complaint to her spouse. Furthermore, the person she confides in should be either a same-sex friend or a professional counselor (like me). To tell an opposite-sex friend about your terrible marriage is to invite disaster.

R.J.'s greatest failure was dishonesty. If she had been honest with her husband about her need for conversation, and they had resolved the problem, Bob's conversations with her would not have been so enchanting.

It's almost impossible to stumble into an affair if you follow the Rule of Honesty. Her husband loves her dearly, and if she were to have told him about her frustration with their conversation, he probably would have taken steps to improve. In the beginning of her relationship with him, he may have spent hours talking to her just as his best friend did. In the beginning of their relationship, she may have fallen in love with him because of their conversation. But, as so many spouses do, he began talking to her less and less, little knowing that he was draining her Love Bank.

The solution to R.J.'s problem at the time she wrote her letter is to follow the Rule of Honesty. She should write her husband the same letter she wrote me. He should know about the disaster that is about to take place so he can protect both himself and herself from it.

Then, I'm afraid, they must both distance themselves from Bob. Even though this man may not have any feelings for R.J., her feelings for him make him too dangerous to have as a friend, at least until they are able to improve their conversations with each other. If R.J. stops seeing and talking to Bob, the feelings she has for him will subside, but at first she may go through a period of withdrawal where she misses him terribly. Withdrawal usually only lasts a few weeks, with those feelings popping up once in a while after that. If her feelings for Bob eventually disappear, her husband can remain friends with him. But if R.J. finds that they reappear whenever they are together, they should plan to end their friendship with Bob.

This may seem very harsh and unrealistic, but the alternative to ending such a friendship is to create a huge risk of having an affair. And if Bob were to know how she feels about him, then they most certainly should end their friendship with him.

If my 'friend' was having sex with a married woman he would immediately cease being my 'friend'.

If a spouse's needs are not met in marriage, and he or she is not honest about their feelings toward someone who meets those needs, an affair is likely to take place.

Once an affair begins, it is like an addiction. The same emotional attachment that drew you and your spouse into marriage is now directed to someone else. When your spouse is having an affair, she is as attached to her lover as she was when she first married to you. If she tries to leave her lover, she will experience many of the same withdrawal symptoms that people have when they try to stop using addicting drugs -- intense feelings of anxiety and depression.

Most people who have affairs are so depressed they feel like committing suicide. They cannot imagine leaving their lovers, nor can they imagine leaving their families. They see no hope. They know they are causing their spouse and children unbearable pain, yet they cannot stop the affair. They try to rationalize by thinking that their spouse and children will do just fine, but deep down they know that their pleasure is destroying the lives of the ones they love, so suicide is considered as a way out of the mess they're in.

BRAVO!

I treat an active adulterer similarly to how I treat someone who has alcohol or drug problems. If a friend told me they had a drinking problem, I wouldn't tell them to go away and not speak to me again until they quit drinking. I would work with them a while, IF I felt they sincerely wanted help, and if they never never made steps to change, then I would make myself scarce. But I do believe it's worth investing some time with a foggy friend to help them DE-fog.

Not everyone has even heard of MB principles, so sometimes it takes a little patience. So to the OP, I think it's important to ask, is your friend interested at all in ended this filthy relationship?

Well, considering the poster has been talking about this for 3+ months with his "friend" I would suggest that he is enabling the affair. The poster also trys to not be judgemental...wow.

Alcohol and drugs are entirely different. In this case there is a BS that is being raped while this poster sits and chats about his friends dating a married woman.