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#2126771 09/13/08 01:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 173
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Hi All!
H and I had our first counseling appt. yesterday. I was very newvous to go, thinking H might start a fight or something.

I am happy to say it couldn't have went any better! If this was the "People's Court" it would have been verdict for the plantiff (Me)!

He talked to us for two hours. He's been in practice for 23 years.

It wasn't as if he was really taking sides, but obviously H is the one in the hot seat right now.

Counselor TOLD H, didn't ask, that for now he should have NC with OW or OC. That he needed to focus on me and the kids. H said he was commited to me and our marriage and family.

Counselor also ask H if he had apoligized to my paremt's yet.
Nothing was even said prior to that that my parent's were angry with him.

I still said that every time he leaves the house, that I get a sick feeling because he has lied so much in the past, that I am always suspicious about where he is going.

Counselor said he has to earn back my trust, and that H will have to put a lot of work into the marriage if we want it ti suceeed.

We ended on a good note with regular conversation and a bit of joking around. We will be going back next Thursday.

I am praying that things will continue to go smoothly.

Thanks for listening, and if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

Hurt


Me: BS-37
WH: 39
OC born 6/08
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 33
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Hi Hurtmomof2! It has been a minute but we must beon the same page in all this mess. I had to respond to your post. I also had my first MC appt yesterday and we are due back this Monday.

It was very interesting. I like the therapist. He seems to be very insightful and he chooses his words very carefully. He kind of tells you what you should expect, need to do or should do with out telling you directly.

From the session H now understands that he needs to tell me the whole story. So I am expecting it.

Counselor also see how disconnected he is from how I am feeling ...I am sure he will dive into that...( depression, shame, guilt etc...)

and it was odd but expected...my H is so insecure. He was worried about who the counselor knew that he knew, where he goes that he may go, about the confidentiality agreement etc... He swears he does not give a d*&% about who knows but it is obvious the it is on his mind and every time he is exposed it eats at him and i just keep exposing him.

so self centered! by the time this all over my H will have learned the lesson of his lifetime that he should have learned in his twenties and from his first failed marriage. Idiot! Should have thought about that before you did what you did.

Last edited by shocked1; 09/13/08 04:27 PM.

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WH-(to old to know better)
COM- 2 DS (toddlers)
DDay- 4/28/08
OC- NC
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Hi! It is funny that our situations are alike. I too like the therapist. He got across what he wanted to say,but in a non-threating matter. H said he liked him too.

We have not discussed anything between the 2 of us yet, and I don't think we will, not this early into the therapy.

I think if we keep it at our sessions, there will be less fighting etc. How did you get your H to agree to NC with OC?

I told the therapist that that would be my one wish if I could have it.

H just left and said he was going out for a beer with one of his friends ( who I have of course never met) I am wondering if he is going to see the baby. I have no trust in him at this point.

I know where OW lives. I guess I could go there and see if his car is there. But, I'm not ready to make a decision yet, so the trip would be pointless. If I catch him in the act, and am not prepared to leave him, I will look foolish and weak.


Me: BS-37
WH: 39
OC born 6/08
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 33
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Hi!

Your question of ... How did you get your H to agree to NC with OC?
I knew that the H and the OW could not have contact anymore which meant that the OC was a casuality in this mess they created. Being that this is a minor child contact meant dealing with the OW which could not happen. Plus I have gave him info on how to rebuild your marriage and every site states that contact should be avoided. Plus I gave him a choice.. NC we can try to rebuild or C and lets divorce. I know in my heart that I will not be able to survive this or rebuild knowing that there would be contact. Even if the OW files for CS ..we agreed to let him pay if forced to but still there will be NC. It is just to risky. Now this may be a different story if the child is no longer a minor and comes looking for him but I have 18 yrs to deal with that and we may be in a different place by then. So in the meantime as long as the child is a minor she is to stay away as well be turned away if she comes looking. Think about it. She is an innocent child brought into this world under selfish intentions ...she will have enough to deal with growing up why expose her to any further rejection by dealing with H ( which has admitted that he will not ever love this child the way that he loves our COM , feels more like an obligation more than anything because he socially and morally feels like he should be there(societal pressures). Plus why expose her to me when I know that the hurt runs so deep within (pregnant at the same time as OW, always wanting a girl child , what her existence means to me and stands for . As much as I would not want to hurt a child I know in my heart that she would be treated differently (unintentionally and subconsciously) and kids will pick up on it . They know when they just do not fit in or really feel not wanted. Plus knowing that she will not fully be integrated in my family...she can't come for school breaks, vacations etc...Just sets her up for more repeated rejection. This is why I say they should of thought more thoroughly about what they were doing which we all know he did not and neither did she. He thought a pregnancy would not happen or he could talk her into an abortion but she intentionally was trying to get pregnant. So this is why I cannot worry about it. OW wanted it so let her deal with it. She chose these conditions to raise a child ...I did not and this is one way she is being held accountable for her selfishness and her cruel intentions and choices. Let her deal with the consequences of raising a child be herself. That is why I told him think of it is an adoption and he should consider giving up his paternity rights. I got him to think of it as an adoption but he has not quite ready or willing to give up his paternity rights. He still struggles with it. I am sure we will talk about this counseling.

Besides plus from what I am gathering from this website visitation is not encouraged. Just to risky.

As to your other comment....
H just left and said he was going out for a beer with one of his friends ( who I have of course never met) I am wondering if he is going to see the baby. I have no trust in him at this point.

I know where OW lives. I guess I could go there and see if his car is there. But, I'm not ready to make a decision yet, so the trip would be pointless. If I catch him in the act, and am not prepared to leave him, I will look foolish and weak.


I would not worry about looking foolish and weak ...sometimes you need to expose them and actually exposing them is in your best interest and yes you need to be prepared to follow thru . As much as H hurt me and how much it would hurt me and my COM to kick him out ....I knew that I had to kick him out when he was caught. Sometimes this really wakes them up from the fog and puts their betrayal into perspective as to what is really important. H found that out. He was quickly slapped in the face with what he actually caused and how is actions affects other people. Plus I exposed him to the OW (usually there are secrets on both sides) , his family, my family, his doctor ( aids test) ,my attorney ( which has influence in the community and the same circles my H travels in ) and the kids pediatrician which he is personal friends with . Anyone that I knew that would not harm me or my kids ( gossip) or I would not feel more humiliated by due to their jobs to keep things confidential or their vested interest in helping us . That seemed to do the trick...he was so ashamed and remorseful and was willing to do anything to save his family.
Today it is a tougher battle for him to see some of the errors in his ways but that initial exposure and shock gave him a hefty does of reality and showed him that I was seriousa and I am not just going to let him walk all over me and was not going to be kept in the dark anymore. I had to stand up for my self and you may need to as well. Find your power and take that chance if necessary. You cannot be afraid because if you do not do what is best for you and your family it will just happen again and then we will be the fools.

I hope that helps!



Last edited by shocked1; 09/14/08 12:04 PM.

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WH-(to old to know better)
COM- 2 DS (toddlers)
DDay- 4/28/08
OC- NC
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 Originally Posted By: hurtmomof2


H just left and said he was going out for a beer with one of his friends ( who I have of course never met) I am wondering if he is going to see the baby.



Now you know

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 Originally Posted By: Pepperband
 Originally Posted By: hurtmomof2


H just left and said he was going out for a beer with one of his friends ( who I have of course never met) I am wondering if he is going to see the baby.



Now you know

sigh


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8

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