We are coming up to a year being married and my wife has “no sex drive” (her words). She was on some medication which we thought was what turned things off, but she has been off the medication now for 5 months – still not change.

She says she felt very deep sexual longing for me before we were married and tells me she couldn’t wait until our wedding day would be her. She says she wants to have sex, but she says her body doesn’t yearn for it. She says that she get not enjoyment out of it.

Further…She has not been able to orgasm since our wedding day. We initially attributed this to the antidepressant what was on at the time. Not it is very discouraging for her. She does not every want me to try and please her sexually.

She was very sexually active with a good number of men in her teens and twenties with an abortion when she was 20. 15 years later she admits her view of love and sex was quite different during this chapter of her life.

I really want to please her. I feel that the way she was treated and how she viewed herself when she was sexually active is our affecting our intimacy now.

Would you happen to know what books might provide direction and help with the situation.

Anyone have a similar circumstance?

Any help would be appreciated.

Kaego, I can strongly recommend a book by David Schnarch called "passionate marriage".

It was WAY too advanced for me yet I still learned some useful things about sex in marriage.

Yes, ADs will do this to both men and women. My question is it possible she is still depressed (since she's off the ADs)? Depression will also affect libido.



Not exactly sure what you mean here but a lot of young women use sex as a way of feeling attractive and wanted. What they're really hoping for is to be loved, but frequently, they end up feeling used. That can lead to a bad connotation that sex equals being used by men.

Is everything else going well in the marriage? Have you asked her?

The drop in desire happened to me when my husband and I first married (nearly 20 years ago) and I think part of the reason was he stopped trying to 'woo' or romance me, everything quickly became about the business of working and starting a family. It is very, very important to a lot of women to feel a sense of deep connection before wanting to have sex. That deep connection may come about in different ways for different women but for me it was and still is developed by spending regular scheduled one-on-one time together away from the house so that we can talk about things important to both of us. This was something we did naturally when we were dating. Once we got married and our son was born that pretty much came to a halt.

It took us separating, getting back together and weekly counseling sessions for me to understand how important of a need that is to me. If that need is met, then I'm delighted to have SF. As with many men, my husband's highest need is SF, so I've promised him for every evening we spend together 'connecting' we will have SF.

In other words, if we have regular 'date' nights, we have regular sex.

So my question is do you know what her top emotional needs are and are you meeting them? That would be a good place to start.