I married at 31, after more or less deciding that I'd never find someone totally perfect for me after dating for a number of years and just not running into the "right" person. Military life hasn't exactly put me in the best places to meet the type of woman who would be "ideal". I married someone I love, but who isn't perfect. If I were mean, I'd say that I "settled".

Four years and two children later, we are having significant problems. From what reading I've done--from a book on raising children no doubt--I have found that we are two completely different personality types. I need help learning to deal with my wife's personality type, and with getting her to learn to understand my personality type.

She appears to be an ENFP... I am an INTJ. The house is always a mess, bills don't get paid on time unless I remind, remind, and remind again, dishes aren't done (left in sink--nasty!!), etc. Obviously, I'm not a procrastinator, can't stand piles of mess around the house, and never pay a bill late. :-)

Would appreciate any help we can get. Possibly solution to the messiness issue would be to give wife a room in the house where she can put her unfolded laundry, piles of "stuff", etc. thereby leaving common areas clean. We can do dishes together. Kids can learn to fold laundry.

Of course, I'm also rattled that in my 5+ months in Iraq, my wife has never sent any "love notes" and only 1 package from home... I don't think this is intentional, but she has been out of college for the entire summer and hasn't exactly had a "full schedule" that would preclude taking care of her husband a bit...

How old your your children? I'm not defending your wife, but I am home with my son and I was SHOCKED to learn that there just is not enough time to get things done, no matter how menial.

The critical thing to take note of is the final J on your personality score. That means that you are a judger. Now, this can work well in business or in the military, but not so well when you are dealing with a stay-at-home mom.

I don't buy the idea that you settled, all couples have conflicts and if it wasn't over the messiness issue it would be something else.

I also have J at the end of my assessment, so I feel your pain to a certain extent. What has helped in our home is for me to use my analysing brain to come up with "systems" that will help us keep things under control.

For us, we made an agreement that the front room (living room) should always be ready for company. If the kids have messed it up, it needs to be cleaned (or things tossed) at the end of each day.

You mentioned unfolded laundry, is there a laundry room where this can pile up instead of the living room?

The thing to get away from is this idea that you know the standard, and your wife is failing to meet it. There is no arbitrary standard that says that laundry should be picked up every day, dishes should be done right after the meal, etc. These things need to be negotiated. If you have small children you need to be doing some of this stuff when you get home.

If you can afford it, a housekeeping service might not be a bad idea. Most women hate another woman seeing their clutter and tidy up before the cleaner comes. I would try to have a non-judgemental talk with your wife. Let her know that you appreciate all the things she does do. Ask if there is anything that you can do to help, and see what she suggests.

It may be that she lives more in the moment than you do (I would guess), and it doesn't occur to her that life could be happier if things were picked up more. You definitely need to tell her that you would LOVE more care packages from home. On the bills thing, perhaps you should take care of them yourself, or set up them to be paid automatically. Some people are just terrible with money, and its a big favour to take on that chore.

Ps - Thank you for serving our country, it's greatly appreciated.

I agree with Haapy2CU posts. I am an INFP and my husband is an ESTJ. We deal with same issues re: messiness, disorganization, etc.

Through counseling we have developed similar ways of dealing with it. The one thing the counselor has made a point of telling us over and over again is : I'm not 'wrong' for being messy nor is my husband 'wrong' for wanting things neat. We are just two people who need to learn to compromise so both of us get some of what we want.

The thing that concerns me about your post is your statement about 'settling'. That's sometimes a sign that a person is emotionally withdrawing from the marriage (when you start to think you made a mistake in marrying your spouse). The truth is we ALL settle in some form or fashion. There is no such thing as a perfect human being and once you get up close and personal (living with someone) all of their idiosyncrasies, flaws and annoying behaviors are in your face day in and day out.

It sounds to me like you are very hurt about the lack of caring your wife expressed when you were in Iraq. Have you discussed your hurt with her in a respectful way? How did she respond? Was she also experiencing a sense of disconnect from you while you were away? Very common feeling when someone is living half-way around the globe. I know that the separations are very hard on military families.

Let me say one more thing. I have spend a lot of time researching the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. By all accounts my husband and I are polar opposites in terms of personality. It was one of the things I used to justify separating from him. It is still a bone of discontent with us (the differences in personality) even as we are working hard to save our marriage. The one thing I realized throughout the process of separating and reconciling is there are no 'accidents' about the type of person we marry. We unconsciously seek to balance our personalities (especially those characteristics that are more extreme) by marrying a person who holds opposite qualities from our own. For example, my husband is a neat freak (the counselor says he actually has OCD), I'm not. I need someone in my life who is orderly, just as he needs someone who is more relaxed. We need to be able to accept influence from each other in order to become more balanced people. That is, in my opinion, true in almost all marriages. No couple is exactly alike in all dimensions.

I have gleaned a ton of insight into my relationship through the Myers Briggs. Just as good was the book The Five Love Languages. Have you read that by any chance? It helped my loved one (INFP) and I (INFJ) resolve so many conflicts.

Hoping that helps.

I can definitely relate to your situation. My wife is the same way. I haven't really read the book or check personality types, but I am definitely the organized type while she is all over the place. After years of arguing and fighting over what she doesn't do and my need to keep things cleand and organized, we are reaching a point of no return (more details on another post soon to come). But my point is, let her know what is bothering you and offer to work things out, offer to help her but be firm that she needs to hold her end of the deal. I am sure she tries, and give her recognition for that, but realize that she can only "improve" so much. Involving the kids is a great idea. Communicate, let her know that you feel rattled for her lack of "love notes" while you are away. Agree to help and work together, 4 years in a marriage is still getting to know each other and there's still plenty of time to work things out.

Hi Roadracer!

She goes to school and takes care of raising the kids? And you're not home due to military service? That's a lot for her to handle. On a practical day to day level when you're gone on service, to your W it feels like she's a single mom.

Think about that for a moment. That's a lot of stress on her. A lot.

Growing a marriage takes a lot of time. If you two are separated often because of your service, that puts an incredible strain on the marriage. It does not allow the feeling of love to be nurtured, due to the time apart.

It sounds like you are really struggling in this marriage. It is reasonable to believe it has been just as hard on your W. It may not be reasonable to expect to receive "love letters".

Writing a love letter comes from a place inside a person that feels nurtured and protected. Love letters are like the cherry on top of a great relationship. If you two are struggling in your marriage, asking her to write you these letters is a little like asking her to fabricate something that isn't naturally rising up like a spring within her.

Part pf your frustration about not getting these letters may rest in an unwillingness on your part to acknowledge where the marriage currently is. It is struggling. You can be mad about it, but that's not going to do anything.


How can you nurture the marriage, instead of placing demands on it? How can you be involved as a participant to show your wife you cherish her, to move together gently in negotiation for what the two of you want, instead of you personally driving into her with what you're upset about?

How can you change the perspective from "me against her" to "us against the world"?

Right now, from what you shared, I see you as a person with one foot out the door. I don't know if you're aware of this, or how accurate this is. As long as leaving is an option for you, your actions will not be able to save the marriage and transform it into what you want. You are not fully invested in the change required within you, because you are open to leaving. I think if you "burned the ship" of divorcing, you'd be invested in a different way.

Sticking with a marriage requires more of us than maybe anything else. Either we suffer in struggle for our entire lives, or we commit to growth and the down and dirty business of pulling out the weeds in our own lives. Pulling out weeds is not an easy thing. Often we bring damaging opinions and views to the marriage, we bring entitlement, we bring bad habits, and many of these things we are not aware of. There's a lot of work involved to become aware of the ways we damage our own marriage.

You don't have power over your W. Focusing on her will only agitate you more and more. I know, because I've done it! LOL I know all the things I think H does wrong, and if I think about them I can stress myself out completely. It's been really hard for me to learn and figure out how I'm contributing negatively to my M. It's even harder to learn how to interact in ways that builds love, to eliminate lovebusters, and how to plant seeds.

Love is like a seed that is planted. You're looking for the fruit, those love letters that would mean so much. Have you been planting seeds? Are you watering your crop consistently? Love letters wouldn't mean so much to you if you thought your wife was sending them from the wrong place, would they? If you thought she was just obliging you, as opposed to genuinely coming from a place of deep longing and desire for you? Planting seeds and watering them day after day builds that deep longing and desire. Meeting emotional needs and avoiding lovebusters are ways to plant seeds and water them. What type of lovebusters do you need to work on eliminating?

Meeting ENs and eliminating LBs take time, and it also takes time for our spouse to trust through our consistent behavior that our changes are here to stay. Love builds slowly.

If you do end up in divorce (and that's where these things lead if we don't change course) just keep in mind that people tend to recreate the same issues in their next marriage as they had in the prior one. So whatever you don't work through now is going to raise it's ugly head again...

The issues (to me) seem bigger than just absence of love letters or a messy house. There seems to be a communication/empathy issue. What your wife can handle (her limitations), and what you can handle (your limitations). There seems to be a possible disconnect on meeting each other's ENs. There seems to be possible issues surrounding policy of joint agreement and coming together to make decisions you can both be enthusiastic about (house cleaning and options). There may be possible lovebuster issues, such as selfish demands (requiring that your W write you love letters, instead of understanding that these are the cherry on top and have to flow naturally out of the excessive love felt in your marriage). There's probably more that we don't know about. I want to encourage you that there is hope but oversimplifying can be dangerous. You've pointed out the symptoms of what's not working well in your marriage, but they are not the same as what needs to be changed to get what you want.

I am sorry you are not getting letters when you are overseas. That must be hard. That must hurt.

There is no short cut or easy way to get those letters. Don't cheat yourself out of the hard work required to have the marriage you want that would have letters be a natural fruit of the love the two of your feel. Commit to that hard work! Then, you won't have just letters, you'll have a marriage that was worth the work.

"Sticking with a marriage requires more of us than maybe anything else. Either we suffer in struggle for our entire lives, or we commit to growth and the down and dirty business of pulling out the weeds in our own lives. Pulling out weeds is not an easy thing. Often we bring damaging opinions and views to the marriage, we bring entitlement, we bring bad habits, and many of these things we are not aware of. There's a lot of work involved to become aware of the ways we damage our own marriage.

You don't have power over your W. Focusing on her will only agitate you more and more. I know, because I've done it! LOL I know all the things I think H does wrong, and if I think about them I can stress myself out completely. It's been really hard for me to learn and figure out how I'm contributing negatively to my M. It's even harder to learn how to interact in ways that builds love, to eliminate lovebusters, and how to plant seeds.

Love is like a seed that is planted. You're looking for the fruit, those love letters that would mean so much. Have you been planting seeds? Are you watering your crop consistently? Love letters wouldn't mean so much to you if you thought your wife was sending them from the wrong place, would they? If you thought she was just obliging you, as opposed to genuinely coming from a place of deep longing and desire for you? Planting seeds and watering them day after day builds that deep longing and desire. Meeting emotional needs and avoiding lovebusters are ways to plant seeds and water them. What type of lovebusters do you need to work on eliminating?

Meeting ENs and eliminating LBs take time, and it also takes time for our spouse to trust through our consistent behavior that our changes are here to stay. Love builds slowly.

If you do end up in divorce (and that's where these things lead if we don't change course) just keep in mind that people tend to recreate the same issues in their next marriage as they had in the prior one. So whatever you don't work through now is going to raise it's ugly head again...

The issues (to me) seem bigger than just absence of love letters or a messy house. There seems to be a communication/empathy issue. What your wife can handle (her limitations), and what you can handle (your limitations). There seems to be a possible disconnect on meeting each other's ENs. There seems to be possible issues surrounding policy of joint agreement and coming together to make decisions you can both be enthusiastic about (house cleaning and options). There may be possible lovebuster issues, such as selfish demands (requiring that your W write you love letters, instead of understanding that these are the cherry on top and have to flow naturally out of the excessive love felt in your marriage). There's probably more that we don't know about. I want to encourage you that there is hope but oversimplifying can be dangerous. You've pointed out the symptoms of what's not working well in your marriage, but they are not the same as what needs to be changed to get what you want.

........ Don't cheat yourself out of the hard work required to have the marriage you want that would have letters be a natural fruit of the love the two of your feel. Commit to that hard work! Then, you won't have just letters, you'll have a marriage that was worth the work. "

Wow HopingHeart your post really is really wise & encouraging.

It is really helpful to me too.

Thank You.

Another thing to do is talk in her "type" (feeling) and use thoughtful requests.

"Honey, I am feeling a little lonely when I don't hear from you. Do you think you could send me a care package once a month and an email every 2-3 days about what is happening at home, good or bad?"

"I feel very unsettled when there are so many dirty dishes inthe sink. Is there a way I could help with things so you don't get behind?"

Just Your Type is a good book about communicating with the different types.