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#2126820 09/13/08 02:19 PM
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hanging Offline OP
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I would like to know rather or not if it is wrong to go through your husbands cell phone is you suspect he is cheating. For the past two weeks my husband places his phone on silent and turns it face down where the incoming cal screen can not be seen. I decided to check it on yesterday while he was in the shower and I found a picture that had been texted to him from female of her in her bra and panties. As of this moment he has no idea I have seen this pictured. I have 3 children and live in a small house so I did not think it was great idea to bring this up while they were home considering no matter what room you talk in their is no complete privacy. I have got to approach him about this because it is eating me up but I already know the argument will get flipped and will not be about what I found but the fact that I went through his phone. ADVICE PLEaSE

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You have every right to protect yourself and your family from a possible assualt. Do you know who the female is? I would keep posting here and spying. You will get a lot of good info on how to have a great marriage. Be careful not to expose too soon. You need more facts. Can you get a copy of the phone bill and see if he is texting and calling one number all day?

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hanging Offline OP
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I saw where they've been texting each other back and forth. I reversed the phone number on this website that I found and it gave me her name address and age. A freind of mine found the female My space page also. Do you think it is to soon for me to approach him about it. How much more proof do I need?

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hanging,

If you already have her information, then you will be able to expose to her significant other and family as well.

Read up on Surviving An Affair for the steps through this.

When you confront him, chances are he is going to hide it even better.

So sorry that you are here. Stay in touch, you will get support here.


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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One thing to remember is that once you reveal your source, you'll no longer have that source. If he knows you can and will go through his cell phone, he'll come up with other countermeasures, such as password protections, or getting another, prepaid cell phone that he'll keep hidden from you.


BH (me) age 55
FWW age 52
married 26 years
First DDay 2/23/08, 1 day after PA began, ~1-1/2 months after EA began
Multiple failed attempts at NC
confirmable NC since 1/23/09


(D 31; S 29) my first marriage
(D 27; S 25) her first marriage
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I also think whether you confront him now depends on the type of person he is. If he is highly manipulative, and will try to make you feel guilty for "spying," or if he will try to convince you that the photograph was from a guy friend who wanted to show him his hot girlfriend, then I think you need more evidence.

A keylogger can be installed on the home computer. You'll be able to see emails, websites, and IM's. You can then print them out and keep them in a safe place.

You may also want to forward the photograph of the woman to your phone so that you have a record.

Finally, a voice activated digital recorder under the seat in the car can be very effective.

Even if you live in a no-fault state, and you don't want a divorce, having a pile of evidence can give you leverage. Who you tell, when you tell them, what you show them...

As for "privacy", there is no such thing in marriage. You are one, his cell phone is yours, and vice versa. It always amazes me that the people who throw a fit about their spouse looking at their cell are always the ones doing something wrong!


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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Is it wrong? Absolutely not. What is WRONG is cheating, and lying. Catching someone doing those things is NOT WRONG.

It sounds as if your H has gaslighted you often in the past and made you doubt yourself, like you dont have a right to look at this phone. Of course he is going to turn it around and blame you so he doesnt have to come clean. As I mentioned, it is called gaslighting and is a praticularly nasty form of abuse.

You need proof. A digital recorder is a great idea or a GPS tracking device hidden in his car.

Once you have proof nuclear exposure is in order.


Read as much as you can here, come up with a plan.

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You needed to IMMEDIATELY send the pix and any text messages to your phone, or email address.

He would see the record and know that you know, but not how you did it.

There are two words you can tell him and what does he plan to do about it.

Check Mate.

You need to find out who this woman is and tell her husband immediately, before he even gets wind. Her husband and everyone else in your immediate path needs to see the pix, even if you just have to take his phone and hide it from him.

It's time to be calculating and calm. Act like you know nothing until you drop the exposure nuke into his little fantasy world.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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You have every right to protect yourself and your family from a possible assualt. Do you know who the female is? I would keep posting here and spying. You will get a lot of good info on how to have a great marriage.[i][/i]
Quote


This statement made me smile because the word spying and great marriage don't really belong in the same sentence together. LOL

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Originally Posted by noregrets
This statement made me smile because the word spying and great marriage don't really belong in the same sentence together. LOL

So True smile



This life and this love are the stories we write
We are free to write the truth, or lies or to tear the pages
To cherish, and erase, rewrite and start over
Mate it better, make it stronger, plot twists and
the impossible happiness that comes from unexpected love and forgiveness
Make it up as we go along, to have faith in the story
And never ever, ever give up – no matter what
Or to leave the book on a park bench in the rain
and walk away, saying how sorry we were
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Although it did work pretty well for jamie Lee and Arnold in "True Lies". I love that movie!

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Reading Dr. Harley's articles, blind trust is harmful to marriages. It's not real and has no respect.

So yes, I get where the extreme of acting responsibly in your marriage and staying informed of reality, calling it spying, (stalking your H?), equally, the most irresponsible choice is to act with blind trust...it's a form of Conflict Avoidance...where you don't really want to know The Truth, just want to work at getting your spouse to tell you what he thinks is the truth.

Power struggle.

Hanging...from your information gathering, can you also use zabasearch or intellius to find relatives of OW? See if she's married, live-in boyfriend? Inform her family, too, and your own that your WH is having an A. He's attacking your marriage by crossing healthy marital boundaries.

Remember, it's the behavior causing embarrassment, not the truth. State you know what he's doing, that it's harming the marriage, because affairs do.

I believe we are taught to parent our partners and not to partner our spouses. So we swing between, "Hey, you're doing this to us. I'm not your mother. I'm not checking up on you." to the other extreme of telling them what they can and can't do (in a healthy way, that's us stating our boundaries...and working out healthy marital boundaries together...in an unhealthy way, it's ultimatums, selfish demands and controlling).

Read all the articles, get the books...read about the four rules of marriage (what hanging's H has done does not follow those)...read up on Emotional Needs (ENs) and Love Busters (LBs) and you may recover your marriages, grow them, keep your family intact and thriving.

You're not alone.

LA


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