Hi
I am new here, although visited site lots and used book, heres my story, just wondered if anyone else has had this.

I will keep it short (it is very complicated) I found out last July WH was havind A. I had suspected but didn't want to believe.

confronted and he said he wouldn't see ow until we had decides what to do.
I showed him we could make it work and he was keen, went to councelling for months! after 5 wks he, reluctantly sent her a letter ending it. we seemed to be moving on and our narriage had turned around, we were so much closer and getting on etc. I had a few wobbles but he reassured me.
December I found out he had had contact, he told me just that week, I said chose me or her and he ended it by phone in front of me. We had a fab xmas. end jan i found out he had been seeing her again, turns out on and off all along, month on month off. I was keeoing a close check but she bought him a phone so she could get hold of him. he said it was finishing, I wanted proof so he phoned her and asked her to tell me, it was awfull I kept my cool but she was horrible to me, it was over.
Our marrige was getting back on track and talking re vowels etc then June the night before our holiday i caught him with the Phone, Not again I said, it's ending, it's over he said. It was but it was her ending it to push him the leave me (and 3 kids)
He agreed to destroy the phone with me, went on hols and I was distraught, said he would have to move out as soon as we were back. The night before we came home he phoned her and finished it. when we got back she asked for the phone back and money, he sent a cheque with a formal letter, it was sent back to his work, cut up. That was the last.
I still made him move out and after a month we started dateing, it was going well, we had our bumps but it was mostly good and he was spending more and more time with us and we spoke text every day, lots.A month ago we really started to get really close and i started to fall in love with him again, then for no reason I wobbled, I thought I was going mad the signs were there again!He denied it over and over promising to never hurt me.
Last friday i found a text on his phone (he gave me the phone to check!) that was it, we talked for 10 mins (he was collecting kids for night)He said it was text only, then admited to a call, then at a push admited to seeing her once, but only to help her with an exampaper (please!) He said having no contact was not getting her out of his system but this was and he needed to do it, but you don't send text saying your thinking about them if you are trying to get over them. he said he doesn't want her, he wants us, he hasn't has s-x and has made the decision he won't???
I said thats it no contact except handing over kids.
That night and next morning he text/called I ignored it but when the kids were back and i had to explain and cope with their hurt I emailed. He doesn't know what he wants (he has been saying for a while she's an addiction)
Now I feel i should go for divorce but I am not ready yet. I still love him but there have been so many lies i could never trust him. I am doing plan B but have to see him due to kids but couldn't even look at him, it was sooo painfull.
Has anyone had it work out after they have been treated like this? I have found out 5 times in the last 14 months and each time he has "finished it" I think he thinks I'll wait forever but he knew this was his last chance and he still took the risk.
I am going to try and concentrate on me and the kids, my fear is when he eventually sorts himself out it will be too late and can trust ever be rebuilt after all these time (he has had trust issuse from a child and I have discovered he has lied all his life - he is having some therapy as he is also not in touch with his emotions)
Sorry that was the short vertion honest!
x x

Sonds like your H cant get beyond the withdrawls of no contact.

Has he read the basic concepts sheet on that?


BTW welcome to MB, sorry you had to be here.

Thanks
we have been working throught the book and were just putting together plan and doing the contract, he was meant to be moving back in ,in 6wks,
Is there a seperate sheet on withdrawal? where do i find it?
thanks
x

Have you exposed the affair to his family and yours, and the kids?

He told his Mum at xmas, she has known more than me! and has been there for him. I have just told my mum now, protecting him! No will not tell kids unless he moves in with her they are too young and I cannot inflict that pain, have already had to tell them we are no longer dating and daddy doesn't love me.

How did he meet the OW?

How old are your kids? How long have you been married?

met ow through work, she has changed jobs but still local. children are 8,9 and 5.
married 15yrs together 17

You need to expose the affair to anyone who will support your marriage. Just tell them that your WH is having an affair, that you love him, and ask for their support in saving your marriage.

Also, your kids are not too young to know, in an age appropriate manner. I would imagine that, right now, they are very confused, and may even be blaming themselves.

Simply tell them that when people are married, they are not supposed to have boyfriends or girlfriends, and that the reason Daddy is not living at home is because he wants to have a girlfriend, and that is hurting you very much.

If you don't tell them, it is likely that your WH may, at some point, try to introduce him to his adultery partner as a friend, so the kids will learn to like her. Believe me, you do NOT want your children exposed to his adultery.

Thanks for advise.
I cannot tell my children I need to protect them, they know it is their daddy who doesn't love their mummy, that is enough for now, if he moves in with her (it hasn't fully started up yet - I know it's just time) that is when I will tell, they will hate her without me saying anything (I know my kids!)

AS for exposing it, too who? his mum is supporting him, I'm sure she doesn't know the whole story.
I have now told my family but that will have no impact on him.
An old friend of his just called and I said he doesn't live here anymore and gave his number, I didn't say about A but said he left me.

This morning i sent him a Dr John email, hadn't planned to but from his emails (which is the only contact i have allowed re kids) he is now doing all the things i have been asking this past 14 months which annoyed me!
I said it was over, he knew it was his last chance and there was no point, and I won't let him treat me like this anymore, then said no more contact unless re kids or emergancy.
It was very hard to do. he says he doesn't know what he wants, he wants to get over her (?) and doesn't want a divorce.
I think it is time for me to give up, however impossible it seems right now.
even if he came back (yes i would be very tempted) how could i ever trust him again after 18 months of lies and more lies? has anyone done it when their wh has gone back to ow 5 or 6 times over 18 months, to an A situation while working on our marrige!He has never lived with her (or spent a night with her!)
I am tired and can't cope with it anymore. I will take one day at a time.
Any advise?

Not exposing to your children is harmful to them. YOU are causing them harm by not telling them the truth.

If you can't cope any more...which is understandable...get a divorce.

If you want to try...start with a massive exposure...friends, family, church, employer...and give NO warning...just do it.

Is the OW married? If so, I sincerely hope you have already told her husband.

Figure out what you want...then we can help direct you.

By NOT telling them, you are exposing them to pain and guilt and suffering beyond imagination for the rest of their lives. Children instinctively blame themselves for family problems. Until they have a concrete reason to believe otherwise, they will continue to blame themselves for the rest of their lives. They also need to know right from wrong. Trust me, they KNOW something is wrong. They need to know that Daddy has a girlfriend and that is WRONG. It's okay to be ANGRY at Daddy, and you can be angry with someone and still love them. They need to know that Daddy is at fault here, not them.

If you don't expose, he WILL introduce them to her in a way in which they will like her. Just like he snowjobbed his mother. Everyone he tells first will get the spin-doctor version of what happened. This is another reason to expose.

Expose to his friends. His family. His work. Is OW married? Expose to her H, BF, parents or any family you can find. All of these people will be affected by the A. All of these people need and deserve to know.

hurtstoomuch
Sorry you find yourself in this mess. Glad you are here cause its a great place to get helpful advise no matter what path you end up taking.
I dont have much advise about your stich except I wanted to add my coments on the kids front. I agree with you that the kids are too little to know the "details". I think if you and WH are not in the same house then it is important that they understand that it a problem solely between "you and "him" the adults and the kids are not responsible in anyway.
I think its ok to protect your kids from the "information of the A" until it becomes absolutely necessary.
What most of the posters are saying is valid however, you need to ensure that you are "protecting" them correctly and not overlooking the fact that in the absence of information the kids blame themselves.
You will have to work hard at compartamentalizing your feeling towrads your H and your issues and balancing that with making sure the kids understand that they are not at fault here and thay you and hopefully your H are still there for them, whether that is together or temporarily apart.
I have 3 kids myself under the age of 12 so I can see where you are coming from. In my case we did not have a physical seperation at any point so it was a tad bit easier. You do how ever have to be realistic if and when the situation progresses in that after a while keeping the info from the kids does not protect them it only protects your WH. So you are a better judge of whom you are protecting and at what cost and be prepared in case you are forced to have the conversation with them.

No she doesn't have a husband, he left her for another woman (who he is still with) when their (now 9yr dd) was 6 months old.
She hadn't "been" with another man until she asked my wh out!
she is hanging in there, there has been months with no contact and she always has him back. Each time I've found out he's finished it.
This time i didn't even give him the option.

I cannot see how p--s---g him off by telling people will help?

He doesn't really have friends he sees

His mother had an affair and left his dad - he never got over it!

I will tell them if he stays with her ie in the next few weeks, he is not living with her and says maybe it's best he's on his own with noone - I agreed. He is a mess and it's complicated as he has Aspergers.

I am still in shock to know what i want, but i know I can't let him treat me like this anymore, enough is enough.

I think he'll be back at some stage now I am the one he can't have but will it be genuine? how will i know? he's obviously a good lier!

I have explained at length to the kids it is nothing to do with them and nothing they have done and that we love them etc etc
I have been reassuring them all along, they now know it is their daddy who is at fault and he'll have lots of questions when they see him next. If the A starts up again (they have just started contact) then i will tell them but my wh is a mess and am not sure what he's going to do but i will find out the truth.

Oh where is MelodyLane - this particular 2x4 is her forte!

So this has been going on for months?
Affairs thrive in secrecy. This is exactly why he keeps running back to her - because he can. You've done nothing to stop it. Exposure will shine some daylight into it. Often exposure it the key thing that breaks the A up for good.

As long as they are people he respects, it will help.

No excuse for cheating on you.

If he is not living with you, how do you know he's not staying with her?

Time for a Plan. Waiting to see what happens and hoping it goes your way is not a plan.

WS's are incredibly proficient liars. You can easily tell when they are lying. Their lips move. You should expect that anything and everything he says to you as an active wayward is a complete and utter lie.


Hopefully Mel will chime in here. She has a ton of useful links and evidence to show why this does NOT work and in fact makes things worse for your kids - in both the short term and the long run.

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Thank you,
I am not protecting wh, i have in the past but not now
but i will not expose my kids to A unlesss I have too. If i did now it would be out of spite and not to protect them. If he gets back with ow then i will, no problem but it will hurt them so am trying to avoid.
He may not get back with ow, he needs to be by himself but I expect he can't resist i don't know

funny how now he it emailing and texting me, now i have let go and am in control!

I found a pic of her on internet, I think she is stunning but have past it on to a few people and they think not (these are people that would be honest!) On second look i think they are right, she is a yr younger than me and half black (so good skin!)
I don't think he's told his mum she is black, he didn't tell me i guessed (I have strong intuition!)
time will tell I am sticking to plan B until i decide what i want to do.